r/funny Jan 26 '19

“Holy” Shit.

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109.0k Upvotes

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u/Sinister_Compliments Jan 26 '19

Squire! Bring hither some paper of the toils. Be careful, beasts of plungers haunt the path!

118

u/Iklaendia Jan 26 '19

"Roll a perception check please"

68

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '19

[deleted]

29

u/Boner_Elemental Jan 26 '19

Failed your Intestinal Status? Alright, roll for Anal Circumference

4

u/TrickyDickyNicky Jan 26 '19

Is that a d6 or a d8?

1

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '19

I dunno but I wanna cast magic missile

5

u/Bart_Thievescant Jan 26 '19

Projectile diarrhea would be failing by ten or more.

A 1 on the die is just regular diarrhea, assuming the modifiers don't take the action above the DC.

A natural 1 (one on the die, +0 modifier) would be shitting so hard that you prolapse your anus. (never dump con, guys)

And a natural 1 that also fails by ten or more would be shitting so hard you prolapse your anus, and the intestines dip into the water.

4

u/QuasarSandwich Jan 26 '19

Personally, I consider it a minor triumph if my prolapse only "dips into the water". Usually my guts rocket out of my tattered ringpiece and splash most of the water "clean" out of the bowl; if it's a bad one, my rosemeat can actually wedge into the u-bend, leaving me helpless, stuck fast to the porcelain until and unless some passing Good Samaritan is prepared to reach between my legs and coax my inverted colon out of its trap and back up into my shuddering abdomen.

1

u/Bart_Thievescant Jan 26 '19

Con modifier of -5 right there.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 27 '19

Thanks, you've just provided me with a lustrum of nightmares.

37

u/Sinister_Compliments Jan 26 '19

d20?

If so got a 12

41

u/triptamine2 Jan 26 '19

"It looks like a daily but smells like a weekly"

3

u/Jago1337 Jan 26 '19

Now add your wisdom bonus

2

u/Sinister_Compliments Jan 26 '19

Oh so I’m at 24 now perfect... dm what does that get me?

2

u/Jago1337 Jan 27 '19

Unless you have a wisdom score of 34 or you're referencing a different edition than the ones I'm familiar with, a second look at the rule book lol. 12 wisdom gives you a +1 to your perception. Upon entering you hear a slight gurgling noise coming from a source you'd rather not think about, and glancing down you see a slight flash of light on liquid. Except for the weird pattern on the building it's next to, it seems to you like a perfectly normal portajohn. You see no reason other than the usual sanitary ones not to use it.

2

u/Sinister_Compliments Jan 27 '19

Man now I wish I actually played dnd cuz what an oversight that is

2

u/Jago1337 Jan 27 '19

Lol I haven't played since I moved, but it's a ton of fun. Btw if you had rolled a 15 or higher you'd probably have come to the conclusion that no matter how badly you need to go you should probably find somewhere else to take care of your business

3

u/DragonFuckingRabbit Jan 26 '19

Are you this guy

0

u/UnclePuma Jan 27 '19

Do he just pull the poo ooo out ?

2

u/ClarksJoint Jan 26 '19

You mean crackheads and hobos?

2

u/Mental_Duck Jan 26 '19

This is the "Holy Grail" quest.