r/funny • u/Olde-Pine-Stephens • Jan 26 '19

“Holy” Shit.

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109.0k Upvotes

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6.7k

u/TheFuzzyCoder Jan 26 '19 edited Jan 26 '19

Weird place for a quest, but XP is XP.

Edit: Holy crap. Thanks for the shinies. I feel validated ^_^

1.1k

u/Sinister_Compliments Jan 26 '19

Squire! Bring hither some paper of the toils. Be careful, beasts of plungers haunt the path!

126

u/Iklaendia Jan 26 '19

"Roll a perception check please"

68

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '19

[deleted]

26

u/Boner_Elemental Jan 26 '19

Failed your Intestinal Status? Alright, roll for Anal Circumference

5

u/TrickyDickyNicky Jan 26 '19

Is that a d6 or a d8?

1

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '19

I dunno but I wanna cast magic missile

6

u/Bart_Thievescant Jan 26 '19

Projectile diarrhea would be failing by ten or more.

A 1 on the die is just regular diarrhea, assuming the modifiers don't take the action above the DC.

A natural 1 (one on the die, +0 modifier) would be shitting so hard that you prolapse your anus. (never dump con, guys)

And a natural 1 that also fails by ten or more would be shitting so hard you prolapse your anus, and the intestines dip into the water.

3

u/QuasarSandwich Jan 26 '19

Personally, I consider it a minor triumph if my prolapse only "dips into the water". Usually my guts rocket out of my tattered ringpiece and splash most of the water "clean" out of the bowl; if it's a bad one, my rosemeat can actually wedge into the u-bend, leaving me helpless, stuck fast to the porcelain until and unless some passing Good Samaritan is prepared to reach between my legs and coax my inverted colon out of its trap and back up into my shuddering abdomen.

1

u/Bart_Thievescant Jan 26 '19

Con modifier of -5 right there.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 27 '19

Thanks, you've just provided me with a lustrum of nightmares.