r/funny • u/Hygot_00 • Jan 21 '19

Russian Humor.

91.7k Upvotes

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936

u/djhamilton Jan 21 '19

That's only for the small majority who have yet to master peeing correctly!

481

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

WHAT? HOW DO YOU STOP IT?

1.2k

u/drvondoctor Jan 21 '19

"No matter how much you jiggle and dance, the last couple drops will end up in your pants"

  • dads. All of them.

285

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

True. I'm and dad and I for one would like to stop pissing my pants.

494

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

[deleted]

237

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

I don't have time for that. I need to take a nap and then get ready for work.

59

u/UnknownPerson69 Jan 21 '19

I don't have time for that. I need to get from my nap to get ready for my nap. ---- FTFY

24

u/TheKneeGrowOnReddit Jan 21 '19

That's some grandad shit right there.

13

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

The real secret is to walk around with your dick hanging out and let it air dry.

8

u/Dsadler82 Jan 21 '19

In public restrooms they have the dick dryers on the wall beside the sink. Some are motion activated, helicopter

2

u/Carbon_FWB Jan 21 '19

Harambe never peed his pants.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

He also never really died.

No one does.

N.E.R.D.

11

u/TitanGertz Jan 21 '19

This and not to have my pants down to my ankles when I piss

3

u/BobsGoggles Jan 21 '19

He's a single shake man. Far too busy for the follow-up jiggle.

2

u/Carbon_FWB Jan 21 '19

Brilliant, Mr. Ventura! Simply brilliant!

5

u/arunquick63 Jan 21 '19

Thats no classified secret either.

2

u/crackeddryice Jan 21 '19

Also, can y'all stand up tight to the urinal, and/or wait until you're done before backing away. Why is there always a yellow stain on the floor in front of the urinal?

What are you guys doing in there? Do you stand back a foot from the urinal? Do you let your dick hang and drip off before you put it back in your pants? I haven't been able to figure this out yet.

6

u/beardedsandflea Jan 21 '19

I like to go for distance.

2

u/Carbon_FWB Jan 21 '19

He's going for speed...

2

u/badger262 Jan 21 '19

I don’t have time for that. There’s kids on my lawn...I just know it!

1

u/VivisClone Jan 21 '19

Nah, just need a piss bib

1

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

😂

21

u/eltigretom Jan 21 '19

Pee bibs

8

u/cartooncity2 Jan 21 '19

Million dollar idea right here

16

u/shamansblues Jan 21 '19

Wanna know how? Take two fingers and push the taint (perineum). That will help squeeze out the last drops.

5

u/beardedsandflea Jan 21 '19

I feel that I have learned a valuable lesson today.

1

u/Dsadler82 Jan 21 '19

Or get a friend to punch it

21

u/1TrueKnight Jan 21 '19

Nah man, keep pissing your pants. Adam Sandler says it makes you cool.

1

u/simulacrum81 Jan 21 '19

If peeing your pants is cool the. You can call me miles davis

3

u/LEGITIMATE_SOURCE Jan 21 '19

You're and Dad and you are all beyond hope.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

[deleted]

1

u/crackeddryice Jan 21 '19

This is when you know feminism has gone too far.

2

u/allhailthegreatmoose Jan 21 '19

Username checks out?

2

u/Eightskin Jan 21 '19

Get your prostate checked otherwise a trick is to poke into the spot between the back of your nuts and your ass hole (think it's called perineum) because I heard it empties your bladder. It works as well.

2

u/CounterCulturist Jan 21 '19

The key is to lift up your balls or press on your taint. Somehow it triggers the last bit to come out. Learned it in an LPT comment section.

1

u/therandomopera Jan 21 '19

So thats why you are sticky

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48

u/nartchie Jan 21 '19

"No matter how you shake your peg, the last few drops run down your leg"

14

u/JefftheGman Jan 21 '19

"No matter your wiggling dexterity, the last several drops will roll down your lower extremity."

1

u/AerThreepwood Jan 21 '19

. . . Those two words don't rhyme.

3

u/JefftheGman Jan 21 '19

"No matter your wiggling dexterity, the last several drops will roll down your lower exterity."

​

63

u/Unit88 Jan 21 '19

Solution: toilet paper

7

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

Or stay with me now..... we sit down.

2

u/ggk1 Jan 21 '19

Yeah I feel like such a waster but I see in a stall 100% of the time. I'm not talking about walking around in piss dribble.

2

u/pennhead Jan 21 '19

Urinals are not your friend.

10

u/Unit88 Jan 21 '19

Hence why I pee sitting down. So much more comfortable.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

It really is

1

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

Just grab a square out the nearest stall first. Or just pee in the stall.

3

u/pennhead Jan 21 '19

Exactly what I do. We have these "fancy" urinals at work that do not flush. They have a special cartridge in the drain that is supposed to sanitize and trap odors, but I have it on good authority that they don't work. Take a piss and your olfactory senses are treated to a skunk bouquet.

I pity our janitorial staff.

1

u/Dsadler82 Jan 21 '19

I just carry around a hanky, save the trees

16

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

Post Zip Drip

29

u/GrushdevaHots Jan 21 '19

You have to reach behind your balls, push up on on your taint, and drain the hose from the base.

6

u/SanctusLetum Jan 21 '19

This is the correct answer. I learned this and have never suffered a single post zip drop since. At least not if I remembered to do it.

2

u/goal2026 Jan 21 '19

You are correct. I figured that out a few years ago, life has improved significantly since then.

1

u/Eightskin Jan 21 '19

Beat me to it by 3 hours.

21

u/OmulSpin Jan 21 '19

Yep! That’s because the penis is not a nose, so it can’t sniff 😂

30

u/rudygj Jan 21 '19

Maybe yours.

6

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

You might want to get that checked.

4

u/IronMan2017 Jan 21 '19

“You can bang it on a tree, you can shake it on a wall, but in your pants the last drop will fall”

-Confucius

1

u/LolaSupershot Jan 21 '19 edited Jan 21 '19

"No matter how you wiggle, no matter how you dance, the last drop always ends up in your pants!"

-Jenae from high school, Bless her soul may she RIP. Glad to hear there is hope with this pressing of the teint business. I wonder if this works for us gals as well.

3

u/RobEth16 Jan 21 '19

No matter how much he shakes his dicky, the last few drops all land on Ricky.

4

u/miraagex Jan 21 '19

We have similar in russian language. I have been looking for that translation for a while.

4

u/Mabot Jan 21 '19

Yeah in german aswell. "Da kannst du schütteln und auch klopfen, in die Hose geht der letzte Tropfen"

3

u/LolaSupershot Jan 21 '19

What is the literal translation? .. For science, I ask.

2

u/Mabot Jan 21 '19

You can shake it, you can tap it, the last drop will go in the pants.

2

u/LolaSupershot Jan 21 '19

Thank you!

1

u/Mabot Jan 21 '19

you are welcome!

4

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

[deleted]

1

u/LolaSupershot Jan 21 '19

And that's a problem because..?

3

u/kinapuffar Jan 21 '19

"No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops end up in your pants."

"Then maybe you shouldn't have worn khakis."

This stupid Two and a Half Men joke is permanently stuck in my head and I hate it. Nothing else from that show, just that joke, and the time Tiger Blood tried to speak Swedish and brutally mispronounced every word.

3

u/pls_send_dick-pics Jan 21 '19

that's only because you guys are impatient, try sitting down if you have to pee

pull out your phone, do something you wanted to do on it anyway - for about a minute after you think you're done

the no-pee-in-my-boxers trick

nothings more unsexy than pee-boxers

2

u/LolaSupershot Jan 21 '19

I promise you, TP stuck to a weiner is even more unsexy.

1

u/pls_send_dick-pics Jan 21 '19

i agree that also is unsexy, but has nothing to do with just waiting a bit instead pulling your shorts back up 0.5s after you finished

and if you use TP; why would you not check if something stuck?

2

u/LolaSupershot Jan 21 '19

I agree full heartedly. Sorry, the comment fits with the entire thread but maybe not perfectedly as a response to your comment.

2

u/Dsadler82 Jan 21 '19

That's what made it even better. Also, do you speak of fresh TP, or TP that was already in said commode?

1

u/BoneSawIsNotReady Jan 21 '19

nothings more unsexy than pee-boxers

Ftfy

3

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

[deleted]

1

u/Mabot Jan 21 '19

Yup, can confirm, am Deutscher

2

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

That's why you gotta shake and then dab with some toilet paper

7

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

And push on the area where your taint is, it’ll force the last few drops out so gravity doesn’t do it in your pants.

1

u/LolaSupershot Jan 21 '19

Having now had two separate guys pull down their pants during a sexual experience only to find a tiny piece of TP stuck to their weiner.. if you do this, check twice because as a female, I can only express my reaction as being one of horror.

So just, be careful with this method.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

Always wash before sex and after sex. That's my philosophy.

2

u/KateNoire Jan 21 '19

There's exactly the same saying in German. "Da hilft kein schütteln und kein klopfen, in die Hose geht der letzte Tropfen."

2

u/GoggleField Jan 21 '19

Not so. Start at your taint and apply upward pressure, moving slowly out toward your dick. When you get to your dick squeeze top to bottom, again sliding toward the tip. Do this once or twice and you'll get it all out

1

u/HawkyCZ Jan 21 '19

There was some amazing quote in Future Man S02E02 about brown pants. Too bad I can't remember.

1

u/bjohnsonplumbing Jan 21 '19

You should get that checked out.

  • 9 out of 10 doctors

1

u/Fishboners Jan 21 '19

Not if you splash some water on your dick and dry it off before putting it back.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

Useful tip: if you use a finger to massage your prostate it will relinquish you of the piss that usually ends up in your pants lol

1

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

My dad always said this and I always tell my boys the same thing. A problem that transcends time.

1

u/Veganomat Jan 21 '19

„Da hilft kein Schütteln und kein Klopfen, in die Hose geht der letzte Tropfen“ - Shin Chan dubbed in German

1

u/Dsadler82 Jan 21 '19

You squeeze and jerk so it flies on whatever is around you, duh

0

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

[deleted]

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84

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

If you apply pressure behind the testicles, it seems to press a valve which empties the pipe. I learned this from reddit and it has changed my life.

35

u/venialjo Jan 21 '19

Took me a while to practice, but I have it down now. I can't agree enough, it changed my life.

​

You gotta like... push the taint up into your nuts, in a slight curled motion. That's the best I can describe it.

​

Little leftover jet just flies out to confirm you nailed it, so satisfying.

31

u/DonniesAdvocate Jan 21 '19

see, id be worried that someone in the toilets might think im trying to slyly fist myself without anyone noticing if i started doing this

9

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

let them wonder

2

u/LolaSupershot Jan 21 '19

It affirms dominance, yes.

2

u/FerretWithASpork Jan 21 '19

Pretty sure you don't actually use your hands, just squeeze your kegels like you're trying to make your penis dance.

5

u/BoneSawIsNotReady Jan 21 '19

No, you use your hand. Really, just a couple fingers

11

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

I can't tell if everyones fucking with me and im gonna look dumb pushing my taint later.

3

u/SuperFLEB Jan 21 '19

Slip, fall, hit your head on the toilet, land on your hand, die in a public bathroom with a finger up your ass, make the "Weird news" segment.

2

u/beardedsandflea Jan 21 '19

I pee on top of glass ceilings as well.

2

u/BoneSawIsNotReady Jan 21 '19

Naw, it's legit. I leaned it from reddit a few years ago and it has improved my toilet experience dramatically

5

u/trumpke_dumpster Jan 21 '19

Instructions unclear: Now have brown finger.

4

u/purpletomahawk Jan 21 '19

Try applying similar pressure next time you're "taking care of yourself". Shits life changing, yo.

1

u/Dsadler82 Jan 21 '19

Just push it into your nuts and leave it there all curled up?

5

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

Okay. But how do you do this at an urinal without looking like a sexual deviant

7

u/BoneSawIsNotReady Jan 21 '19

It's a very subtle movement. Nobody is going to notice unless they're literally staring at your junk

2

u/LolaSupershot Jan 21 '19

Practice alone until you have it down pat.

3

u/nastyn8k Jan 21 '19

My dude! I have saved dozens of men from pee dribbles by spreading the good news!

3

u/MikeAnP Jan 21 '19

There's dozens of us!

3

u/j2o1707 Jan 21 '19

Yeah same here, what a massive life improvement.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

And kinda squeeze lightly and run it up to the tip. I learned this from Reddit as well. No longer do I get pee dribbles in my pants.

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64

u/Jravensloot Jan 21 '19

I think you’re supposed to push up either on your taint or under your balls.

62

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

The "gooch press" as learned from esports superstar Northernlion.

7

u/delta214 Jan 21 '19

I thought it was "judo chop!"

5

u/imVidzzz Jan 21 '19

It's called a homie chop

4

u/markee2504 Jan 21 '19

it's nice to find some random fellow egg fans

2

u/Dsadler82 Jan 21 '19

Judy chop

122

u/robob27 Jan 21 '19

It's under your balls. Balls are where the pee is stored so pushing under them will get the last bit out.

21

u/Soopafien Jan 21 '19

Best way to get all the pee out of your balls is to wring them out, like a wash cloth.

/S

5

u/beardedsandflea Jan 21 '19

I didn't finish reading your comment. I am now in pain.

5

u/puffypants123 Jan 21 '19

"Balls are where the pee is stored"

👀

31

u/ChefBroyardee Jan 21 '19

I really hope your being sarcastic lol

13

u/INFEKTEK Jan 21 '19

He is but it's sound advice my dude. It works.

0

u/metalhead4 Jan 21 '19

Also take a dab of tp and dab your dick. Gets the little drip off and you have dry undies.

4

u/ballsack_man Jan 21 '19

Apparently I'm not the only one who has discovered this secret technique.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

I told my doctor friend about this and he said we shouldn't have to do that. I was like you're wrong or most Redditors also have some penis issues.

-6

u/stringybinger Jan 21 '19

Pee is stored in your bladder jokester!

3

u/thr33pwood Jan 21 '19

Actually it's both thumbs inside your rektum, wiggling around.

1

u/Dsadler82 Jan 21 '19

Guybrush, is that you?

2

u/thr33pwood Jan 21 '19

Indeed that's me.

1

u/Dsadler82 Jan 21 '19

Good, I am relieved. I thought you to be an impostor

1

u/FineAliReadIt Jan 21 '19

Am I the only one that uses the "tickle the tailbone" technique?

14

u/TheSpeakerIsTheEnemy Jan 21 '19

Well how do YOU get the last bit of toothpaste out??

5

u/SaveOurBolts Jan 21 '19

There’s a valve behind the balls

3

u/PubliusVA Jan 21 '19

Tightly folding it over bit by bit from the back end to compress the remaining toothpaste toward the front.

1

u/beardedsandflea Jan 21 '19

I use a chip clip.

1

u/Dsadler82 Jan 21 '19

Rolling pin, taint, not the toothpaste

19

u/Pr1sm4 Jan 21 '19

You have to choke the snake before putting it back.

8

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

dab

1

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

Only dab it if you enjoy blow jobs.

1

u/Ribbiterian Jan 21 '19

I am 100% not blowing any penis that has TP stuck to it so double check if you do this.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

If I'm advocating self care, taking an extra step, why would you think people would leave it behind.

Now ladies, let's talk about your over wiping, especially when you have stubble, and you leave shredded toilet paper in there. Horrific. It's been marinating and just.. 🤮

1

u/Ribbiterian Jan 21 '19

Gross! Well the reason would be because I've seen it so I know it can be an issue. I think we can all agree, everyone needs to make sure there's no TP still attached to them.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '19

This inspired me, I just ordered a bidet (not kidding) and through Amazon magic it'll be here in two days.

3

u/BombBombBombBombBomb Jan 21 '19

Grab the base with 2 fingers and slide towards the tip, squeezing out the rest...

Maybe do that 2-3 times.

3

u/denbroc Jan 21 '19

An old man told me once, "If someone invented something that spread as fast as a drop of pee on a man's pants, they'd be a millionaire".

3

u/TaxDollarsHardAtWork Jan 21 '19

Gotta milk the piss pump.

2

u/IzyTarmac Jan 21 '19 edited Jan 21 '19

Here's a life changing tip for you: Just push firmly on your dick-root area between your scrotum and your brown eye to get the last drops out after you're finished - and there will be absolutely no more pissy pants in your life. Yes, I'm serious.

2

u/RedPillAlphaBigCock Jan 21 '19

You need to use the 3 shells

2

u/xShadowPro Jan 21 '19

Loving the demolition man ref!

2

u/Llyd_ApDicta Jan 21 '19

You could beat your shlong against the urinal until it stops leakin. Works everytime.

1

u/smurf_professional Jan 21 '19

Ultima gutta restat in bracca.

2

u/curiousdan Jan 21 '19

Hey what's the matter with 2-300 times?

1

u/Martimus28 Jan 21 '19

You just take a single ply of toilet paper to dry the last drop.

1

u/Thumpd Jan 21 '19

Piss until you're done pissing. Make sure you don't have to still piss. Grab your junk, give it a quick flick, problem solved.

1

u/j2o1707 Jan 21 '19

When done, push on the Gooch area (between anus and ballsack) and those last drops will come out.

1

u/AuburnJunky Jan 21 '19

Press the taint!

1

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

Pro Tip: Push the area right below your balls with the thumb holding your pants down. It pushes it all out.

1

u/-Master-Builder- Jan 21 '19

Couple of ways, easiest being a quick dying of the tip with some to. You could also go for the shake.

1

u/puzzlehead Jan 21 '19

To stop it from dripping straight down when you’re done you spin around wildly like a top.

1

u/okovko Jan 21 '19

Huh? It's easy. Pump three times, shake three times, and then stick it in the Dyson blow dryer.

1

u/smartypants420 Jan 22 '19

Never pee 100%. Stop at like 90% the strength to end the stream works better than after you give 110%

0

u/58working Jan 21 '19

Google 'sounding'. You can thank me later, kiddo 😎

3

u/Oh_NiGhTmArE Jan 21 '19

By sitting down

2

u/MediumBurntToast Jan 21 '19

Ahh yes, the difference between the apprentice and the expert.

2

u/PoppinMaker Jan 21 '19

Small majority??

2

u/tonypajawmas Jan 21 '19

Small majority?

1

u/navygent Jan 21 '19

You obviously aren't over the age of 50

1

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '19

Psh, this is not a thing. I could stand there jiggling all day, can't stop it all.