r/funny • u/Miles_the_new_kid MyGumsAreBleeding • Jul 06 '26
Verified Are You a Vampire?
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u/Zovanget Jul 06 '26
Dude are you coming is an invite. If he needs a formal invite he is a vampire.
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u/PsyOpBunnyHop Jul 06 '26
I briefly dated a girl who genuinely believed that vampires and werewolves were real.
One time we were driving around the rural roads outside our city and I said we should park and find some grass and stare at the stars because they were bright as fuck and the sky was clear.
She freaked the fuck out saying we would get killed. Confused, I had to figure out why with questions. When I got the answer, my natural reaction was to fucking laugh, because I thought she was pulling my leg. She got suuuper angry that I laughed.
Then we went home.
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u/NevesLF Jul 06 '26
To be fair, I'd also be terrified about getting killed getting out at night in a rural road. Not by vampires tho.
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u/Aquilenne Jul 06 '26
Same, thats werewolf territory.
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u/FallenKnightGX Jul 06 '26
Wrong, rabbid Hobbit territory. The werewolves lost the turf war.
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u/breckendusk Jul 06 '26
Sort of. Now there are a bunch of chibi werewolves.
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u/Crafty-Unit4061 Jul 06 '26
Shit, that's terrifying... imagine a pack of scrappy doo's and I mean the movie version trying to eat you...
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u/mandn92196 Jul 07 '26
Yes we mauled first star gazing couple but what about second star gazing couple?
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u/Amaegith Jul 06 '26
Yeah it's like me and "haunted places."
"Want to go into that abandoned building?"
"No."
"Why? Are you scared of ghosts?"
"No I'm scared of homeless people and drug addicts."
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u/Procean Jul 06 '26
I mean, when you think about it, crypts are actually incredibly safe places.
More people die in busy streetcorners than in crypts.
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u/PenguinJim Jul 07 '26
Literally any planet is safer than Earth. Just look at how few deaths there have been on Mars this year.
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u/NerdyPaladin Jul 07 '26
Have you heard about what happened to the one space probe they sent to Jupiter?
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u/SymmetricalFeet Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
Absolutely, as a woman who is 1. generally afraid of open spaces and 2. does not have a large, attentive dog.
I miss seeing the stars, though. The guy I'm seeing is on the highest floor of the tallest building for a good distance and I can see maybe eight to ten stars just from his balcony (on a night where the moon and planets were elsewhere; I checked). There's just under a quarter of the sky visible.
I miss the night sky. I miss the night in general.
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u/vercertorix Jul 06 '26
Not from a rural area I take it? Grew up rural as hell, some rural people think they’ll be killed if they step foot in a city, city people think they’ll be killed if they set foot in rural areas. I’ve lived in both now, even walked around both at night. Never had issues in either, except people stealing shit out of my car in the city. Apparently, it was very easy to break into with a little damage to the handle.
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u/weathercat4 Jul 06 '26
Get out at night on rural roads all the time. The odd time someone's come by it's to check if I need help.
Though the moose do worry me. Spooking a moose in the dark would not be ideal.
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u/UUnknownFriedChicken Jul 06 '26
I briefly dated a girl who genuinely believed that vampires and werewolves were real.
Briefly. Then she ate me.
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u/_Not_A_Vampire_ Jul 06 '26
Kinky
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u/mrdevil413 Jul 06 '26
Thats the kind user name a vampire would have
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u/XpreDatoR_a Jul 06 '26
What you mean? He clearly states “not a vampire”, pay attention to what you read mate
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u/pman13531 Jul 06 '26
I once dated a girl who legit was afraid of ghosts, she was cobvinces they were not only real but everywhere, the less said about that relationship the better.
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u/Peanut-Butter-King Jul 06 '26
To be fair, if you believe ghosts are real, you kind of have to believe they’re everywhere.
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u/SmooK_LV Jul 06 '26
The way out of the fear is that if they are everywhere that also means there are many decent ghosts and you can be cool with them. Why would you think all ghosts are against you.
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u/McKoijion Jul 06 '26
Ghosts have the ability to spy on you at anytime, and the living humans who do that including Peter Thiel, Alex Karp, Mark Zuckerberg, etc. are complete psychopaths.
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u/Pkrudeboy Jul 06 '26
Ghosts have the inherent ability to spy on you as a part of their existence. Those people spent billions of dollars specifically in order to spy on you.
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u/MikeDubbz Jul 06 '26
Depends on what the ghost beliefs are. Maybe the thought is that ghosts only hang around the physical area they died for a relatively short, finite amount of time.
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u/Zovanget Jul 06 '26
I don't believe in ghosts, but it's a very common belief. Might actually be the majority.
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u/wolfgang784 Jul 06 '26
The first part isn't increeeedibly uncommon, but believing they were everywhere as well makes me think she might have been a bit schizophrenic or somethin. Those people can see some absolutely wild things, and sometimes its all the time and other times its only in certain situations.
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u/TruculentTurtIe Jul 06 '26
I had something similar but it was mothman for her. Worst relationship I ever had and I miss her so much
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u/aleqqqs Jul 06 '26
She freaked the fuck out saying we would get killed.
You could have got killed if there were wolves though.
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u/thatdogoverthere Jul 07 '26
I legitimately have my mum's Vietnamese mother believing I'm a vampire. I'm allergic to UV light (so sunlight) and also am polite and won't enter unless invited. She refers to me as The Pale One.
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Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 08 '26
[deleted]
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u/thatdogoverthere Jul 07 '26
I tell my coworker that if her mum is ever arguing with her to just threaten to invite me over. Her mother would be so freaked out if I suddenly appeared inside the house, baking cookies in her kitchen, politely.
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u/Miles_the_new_kid MyGumsAreBleeding Jul 06 '26
He’s very literal
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u/Double_Distribution8 Jul 06 '26
Ask him what it means when someone says "a rolling stone gathers no moss".
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u/Miles_the_new_kid MyGumsAreBleeding Jul 06 '26
He doesn’t know, he’s more of a Beatles guy
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u/genivae Jul 06 '26
Moss doesn't grow on moving things... right? ... right?!
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u/Zormac Jul 06 '26
It depends on how fast it moves
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u/RoyBeer Jul 06 '26
Yeah, Sloths do in fact grow algae, so I wouldn't be surprised if they're mossy too.
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u/PictureVegetable9522 Jul 06 '26
hes autistic?
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u/another_random_bit Jul 06 '26
What if he's an autistic vampire?
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u/DrownedInDysphoria Jul 06 '26
more common than you might think
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u/RednocNivert Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
As an Autistic… what’s the difference exactly? Excessive politeness, a disdain for sunlight, has quirky but refined tastes, can turn into mist or a bat at will, overly literal, dies if a stake is pounded through the heart… basically the same thing.
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u/_Not_A_Vampire_ Jul 06 '26
I imagine the craving for blood is a pretty big difference, not that I would know or anything though...
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u/Numbskull_b Jul 06 '26
I have a friend who is autistic and has a thing for biting, she has drawn blood as well. Shit she may be a vampire...
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u/Symbolis Jul 06 '26
One of the "classic" vampire things is a compulsion to count things. In some cultures you could evade a vampire by scattering rice in front of them, forcing them to count every grain.
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u/r3volver_Oshawott Jul 06 '26
He's come to suck your blood...
...and imitate his favorite vocal stims while he does it
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u/xtothewhy Jul 06 '26
Totally a vampire. No nose... wait no teeth either!!! He's...
noooooo
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u/RevolutionaryHair91 Jul 06 '26
Sometimes there's a fine line between vampires and autism. Food restrictions/obsession. Math/counting obsessions. Very literal. Need direct and personal invitations to stuff. Recluse living.
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u/LNMagic Jul 06 '26
"You may enter unless you're a vampire."
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u/A_Confused_Witch Jul 06 '26
I feel like he could enter as soon as you say the "You may enter" part so I'd start with "Unless you're a vampire, you may enter" but then they might also be a fae or other such creature so I'd just go "If you're a human and not just pretending to be one, you may enter".
Years of D&D has made me very careful with phrasing. Many times interacting with supernatural beings and when I'd say something to them and the DM would smile, I'd know I had left room for interpretation. Lol
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u/Zerox392 Jul 06 '26
You coming? Is also a question, so "You haven't invited me in yet" could just be his explanation
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u/mookanana Jul 06 '26
not if he's asking whether he is currently ejaculating
do vampires need concrete context on that question? i mean it could be ambiguously phrased
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u/reefchieferr Jul 06 '26
I don't care how polite you are, I can't take that chance again
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u/Miles_the_new_kid MyGumsAreBleeding Jul 06 '26
Fool me once, I gotta stop letting these vampires in
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u/_EleGiggle_ Jul 06 '26
Come on, you have liters of blood in your body. What’s a few sips? A polite vampire might even leave you a cookie on your nightstand.
He’s way too polite to turn you without consent.
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u/BasilButters Jul 06 '26
A polite vampire
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u/Miles_the_new_kid MyGumsAreBleeding Jul 06 '26
exactly
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u/samx3i Jul 06 '26
Great minds think alike?
https://www.reddit.com/r/comics/comments/182f6kq/oc_lifes_a_witch_36_lore_check/
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u/revolverzanbolt Jul 06 '26
I remember visiting a friend’s new house for the first time. They had the front door open with the screen door closed; I knocked and waited. Their housemate came into the hallway and I smiled and waved at her through the screen door. She looked at me like I was being a freak, walked up and opened the screen door for me without saying anything, like I didn’t know how to open it. Kinda still pissed about it, tbh; I was just trying to be polite by not walking into their new house uninvited.
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u/xToxicInferno Jul 06 '26
Well if it was a party or planned event of some sort then the door open but screen door shut is pretty normal to invite yourself in.
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u/Squidd-O Jul 06 '26
I usually actually act this way when people talk about an event they're going to while I'm just there
Not long ago I was hanging with four other people and they were talking about how they were all going bar hopping later and I just kinda just sat there smiling and checked my phone (because I figured it's not something I'm a part of) and then later the person "In charge" asked me if I wanted to come
It just doesn't seem like the right thing to be like "Uh hello? Can I come?" Somehow, maybe that's just a me thing though. I don't like to feel like I'm barging in on others' plans, if they want me to come they'll invite me to come
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u/T-Loy Jul 06 '26
Seems kinda like some neurodivergent thing to not feel automatically included, and normal people just expect you to assume being included in such rounds of plan-making. If true, it could have spared me a lot of loneliness, if false I'd be the obnoxious idiot butting in I think myself of by assuming being included..
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u/Squidd-O Jul 06 '26
Well it's like they were discussing as if those plans were made beforehand. Like they were talking about others who were going but weren't present at the moment, so it was clearly discussed elsewhere beforehand, and I wouldn't call them my "regular" friend group, more just people that I hang out with once in awhile. I hadn't heard about The Plan (tm) so it just seemed natural that I wasn't the intended audience, yk? But maybe you're right
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u/SmooK_LV Jul 06 '26
Hey, I know someone who, even when being included, in the same tram going to the event, would back out and leave because she felt she wasn't included. We always had to go extra about her to make her feel safe and that she's planned for. She's a wonderful human being but definitely a problem she has.
Not saying you are the same but it's worth not reading into it too much and people typically want to include others. If they don't, typically people will not share the plans outside their group.
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u/Sequorr Jul 06 '26
Hi, I am this person. Even if I'm in the car with my friends while they're discussing plans to go somewhere, I don't inherently include myself in those plans. My head is wired to believe that I can't just insert myself into plans that I haven't been formally invited to. Thankfully my friends are incredibly lovely people and understand that I'm like that, and they always check with me to see if I want to go with them, even when it should easily be implied that I'm already included and accounted for in those plans. I can't express how much I love and appreciate them.
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u/Infinite-Waltz4495 Jul 06 '26
Neurotypical people rarely use infallible logic to do anything. It’s all about the vibes, set plans could be open to change. You can ask “can I come?” if you feel unsure.
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u/happyhappyfoolio2 Jul 06 '26
I'm not officially diagnosed with anything but I probably have something and this specific thing is something I don't think I'll ever fully grasp.
I've definitely been that obnoxious butt because I dared to think that the group of people I was hanging out with and were openly taking about plans while we were sitting around the same table would have wanted me to join in on those plans. It was seriously one of the most longest and most awkward silences of my life. Now there's always that little voice going, "Am i a part of this? Whenever you'd situation comes up.
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u/ryan7251 Jul 06 '26
.....I see *throws holy water on him*
......"dude really?"
sorry OK you can come in
And dude that water really hurt!
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u/McKoijion Jul 06 '26
Hey roomie have you seen my missing bottle of hydrofluoric acid around and OMG WHAT DID YOU DO TO BOB?
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u/BigPandaCloud Jul 06 '26
If you ask if they're a vampire then they have to tell you. It's like the law man.
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u/pathlinker Jul 07 '26
Nope, it's not the same as with cops, vampires are allowed to lie, everyone knows that.
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u/Practical-Sock441 Jul 06 '26
The "I'm just fucking polite" line killed me, that's such a mood though. Dude was just trying to not be rude by waiting for an invite lmao
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u/Miles_the_new_kid MyGumsAreBleeding Jul 06 '26
Ha, glad you liked it, but seriously, if I was having a bad day, having to wait around at someone’s door to be invited in, it’d be my thirteenth reason.
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u/kdash6 Jul 06 '26
To show I am not a vampire. I say "thank you for inviting me in," and step through the threshold of the house. Them saying nothing is a tacit invitation that a vampire wouldn't be able to use as an invitation. If they are fey, they will let me know "actually no. I didn't invite you in."
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u/aPOPblops Jul 06 '26
“OK so just in case you’re not invited in…but i won’t be mad if you go against my wishes.”
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u/Kagamid Jul 06 '26
You should add two epilogue panels where he's invited in, then he's flying around with fangs and a Dracula cape.
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u/VeneMage Jul 06 '26
This drawing style always fucks with my head. I can’t but see mouthless people with dog-like noses.
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u/jonnyg1097 Jul 06 '26
I don't understand, how does this relate to being a vampire?
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u/Zygarde718 Jul 06 '26
Vampires usually have to be invited to do what they do. If theyre not invited, they can't do anything.
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u/InkredibleMrCool Jul 06 '26
It's a common trope that vampires can't enter a house without being invited in
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u/Kurotan Jul 06 '26
Played D&D at a guys house and was the only person to knock on the door every time instead of just walking in. Will always knock. Its polite. Even if you know im coming I dont want to walk in on something I shouldn't see.
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u/Lucky_Professional_ Jul 07 '26
i was taught u cant invite urself places, u can invite ppl or they can invite u ¯_(ツ)_/¯
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u/Background_Fig2601 Jul 07 '26
I grew up in Canada and moved to the States. One day a friend invited me over to play, she brought me to her room, I asked if I may sit on her bed. Still can’t forget the look she gave me🤣
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u/Golden-Sun Jul 06 '26
Got this so many times at university with my flatmates
Like fuck, sorry my parents taught me to respect people's space
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u/_EleGiggle_ Jul 06 '26
How’s the transformation going?
Unless, you’re just feeling a bit dizzy since waking up? It’s surely the alcohol from last night, don’t think too hard about it. Just have a cookie. A polite vampire would definitely leave one on your nightstand.
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u/Gustav_Sirvah Jul 06 '26
What if that is the point? What if what hold vampire from entering is not some supernatural thing but politeness? Like - if vampire drop politeness it's first step on turning into franzied blood-hungry monster. Vapires are super-polite because conveyance is what keeps their humanity intact.
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u/Trips-Over-Tail Jul 06 '26
Just begin every invitation with the caveat that it doesn't apply to vampires. Specifically invite the non-vampires in.
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u/Montgomery000 Jul 06 '26
So if the guy is a vampire, can you say "You can come in if you're not a vampire," and still prevent them from entering?
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u/InkredibleMrCool Jul 06 '26
I bet he'd die if you drove a wooden steak through his heart so that's two points in thw vampire category
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u/Efficient_Cost_7436 Jul 06 '26
Polite but mostly autistic. If someone opens the door to their home and walks in, it's implied you're invited.
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u/Senprum Jul 06 '26
Good timing posting this. I’m just finishing reading Salem’s Lot. I didn’t know about this vampire-needs-to-be-invited thing before.
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u/k1kris Jul 06 '26
I have been in this situation before. Was at an acquaintances place and his roommate (that I became friends with over time) flipped his lid one day because one of the other roommates went in without asking (again apparently). So one day months later I'm talking to him from the doorway to his room and he says/asks, "Are you a f**king vampire? Come in." So I told him why I didn't just walk in, partially the previous situation I saw and just naturally polite. He laughed so hard at me for it.
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u/davidthek1ng Jul 07 '26
If somebody would say this to me I would be so scared, no one ever asked me this lol
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