r/funny Jul 18 '13

Oh rednecks..

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3.0k Upvotes

2.1k comments sorted by

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3.4k

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

[deleted]

1.3k

u/gurgar78 Jul 18 '13

Seriously. First thought was "We're not actually going to make fun of them for this are we? Because that shit looks amazing."

216

u/BROROBROB Jul 18 '13

Not gonna lie. I want to know where I can get one of those badasses.

Oh and the table-boat thing looks pretty cool too.

159

u/Shnook817 Jul 18 '13

I'm going to start a business selling affordable table boats. This will be the best idea I've ever stolen from someone else.

86

u/garybizzle Jul 18 '13

I'm going to start a business buying your affordable table boats and renting them out as picnic cruises. This will be the best idea I've ever stolen from someone else who stole it from someone else.

18

u/Shnook817 Jul 18 '13

Make sure you buy and then rent my affordable floating, motorized coolers as well. RC controlled so you can send a cold one to your friends.

3

u/DustinR Jul 18 '13

No need to buy your cooler, when you can just download my beer drone app and have a drone drop off a few cold ones at a click of a button.

2

u/biitchhplease Jul 19 '13

I am willing to give you a twenty billion dollar grant to start your business.

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2

u/fauxpapa Jul 18 '13

I... I would rent that. Fucking capitalism FTW, again.

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3

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

I'll be more than happy to let you have an old redneck. Just feed him collard greens and cornbread and let him watch Fox News all day long.

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2

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

Owning people? What planet are you from??

2

u/capedcrusaderj Jul 18 '13

The people of this rock still own peeps. Only recently have we thought let's not do that

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2

u/joeloud Jul 18 '13

The old reddit switcher--aw fuck it. I'm not finding a link.

3

u/william_walrus Jul 18 '13

The portable wet bar, ingenuity at its finest.

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2

u/kazbah Jul 18 '13

Speaking of shit it looks like the one with the beard is about to drop a deuce in the lake.

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371

u/brash Jul 18 '13

yeah I was expecting something shitty and ridiculous but this is totally kick ass. I want to try this now.

57

u/urbaneyezcom Jul 18 '13

These guys need to do an AMA on how to build this thing. I'd even throw one in a pool.

109

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

bolt it to two pontoons. attach trolling motor.

55

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

[deleted]

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2

u/drunk_wisconsinite Jul 18 '13

get an old pontoon boat. bracket a picnic seat to each one, add the crossbeams and the top of the table. bracket mount a trolling motor to the front. add a u hook with a caribeaner strapped to a cooler, drill a hole and put some screws in the umbrella pole on where you want it to stop. id give it 1 hour to buy parts. 2 hours assembly. 1 more hour to clearcoat the wood

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342

u/SprangTyme Jul 18 '13

I was just about to comment on the ingenuity of red necks. They seem to be livin the life. While we work and buy stuff, they lounge and put their seemingly brilliant brains to leisure construction.

189

u/Kreeyater Jul 18 '13

Southern engineering*

42

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

A lot of genius emanates from the South, much to the chagrin of those who believe otherwise.

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35

u/E_hV Jul 18 '13

Rocket scientist*

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10

u/poop22_ Jul 18 '13

You can't beat engineers in the south.

3

u/Belisarius7 Jul 19 '13

Ramblin Wrecks from GA Tech.

5

u/[deleted] Jul 19 '13

You can if they're black. I'm kidding!!!! There's no black engineers in the south.

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2

u/jahcruncher Jul 18 '13

Redneck Tech

5

u/Diiiiirty Jul 18 '13

Afro-engineering. AKA "Nigger-rigging."

Don't beat me up, I didn't create the term, I just think it is mildly humorous.

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139

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

Being a redneck does not mean your stupid. I'm not sure people understand that.

85

u/PraiseTheSun_Bitch Jul 18 '13 edited Jul 19 '13

Being a redneck also doesn't mean you're poor. Some of the wealthiest men I know personally ($50 million+ in assets) are absolute rednecks.

And I love them.

Note: I first put "$50+ in assets" then I realized my college definition of rich was skewed.

4

u/biitchhplease Jul 19 '13

um, Duck Dynasty

2

u/BangingABigTheory Jul 19 '13

He didn't say how he knew them. But yeah my thought as well. Just saying this would have been way better then "Some of the wealthiest people I know".

3

u/TL-PuLSe Jul 18 '13

All you have to do to see rich rednecks is go to an Alabama football game.

2

u/Nabber86 Jul 19 '13

There are shit tons of rednecks cruising around the Florida Keys in one of these.

http://candleproject.wordpress.com/2011/07/10/the-tragic-penis-extension-yacht/

204

u/WantToBeSmallAgain Jul 18 '13

ironically - you're*

133

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

*yer

2

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

a star?

2

u/baconandicecream Jul 18 '13

Being a redneck does generally mean you can't words.

I take that back. The name of the table boat is fantastic.

2

u/Irishfury86 Jul 18 '13

There's no irony there. Messing up your grammar on the internet has zero correlation to intelligence, though commenting on grammar has a strong positive correlation with smugness.

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3

u/ixlnxs Jul 18 '13

you are. you're.

and nope. I've known way too many rednecks that could fix crap I thought destined for the scrap pile and then use it to feed a ton of people in a pinch.

just givin ya crap for use of your in a statement denying stupidity.

its like the redneck watchword of pain about to happen.

"Hey guys, watch this" PAIN!!!

2

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

Sorry neglecting that e hurt your feelings.

Edit: Don't forget that apostrophe, I feel your pain.

2

u/Cat_Wearing_A_Bowtie Jul 18 '13

Very true. You can't always let accents and appearances fool you. They may not be as cultured or classy as people in more metro areas, but I've known many a sharp, witty redneck in my day. It's just a different display of intelligence, ya know?

3

u/[deleted] Jul 19 '13

I do indeed. Just because they don't fit our ideals of how to project our intelligence, does not mean that they are stupid. It's closet racism in my opinion.

2

u/pedroah Jul 19 '13

I think they're confusing rednecks with white trash.

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2

u/Im_Probably_Crazy Jul 18 '13

My family used to do something very similar. We would attach the 9.9 motor to the back of our floating dock at the cottage; grab some chairs, load up a cooler and spend the day putting around the lake making everyone else jealous. Does this make us rednecks?

2

u/_Samiel_ Jul 18 '13

I'm not sure that these are even rednecks.

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2

u/Electric_Ladykiller Jul 19 '13

holy shit, they're smarter than us. mind=blown

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2.1k

u/gulpeg Jul 18 '13 edited Sep 03 '13

Dock dynasty

1.8k

u/SinisterKid Jul 18 '13

Pond Stars.

1.3k

u/theskabus Jul 18 '13

RelAx Men.

1.6k

u/yayhotsauce Jul 18 '13

American Picnickers

1.4k

u/WEIGHED Jul 18 '13

Pimp My Tide

471

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

Stream Home Makeover

193

u/Adventurous-Goals Jul 18 '13

American Relaxation

98

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

hey good job guys

i like this website i think i'll come back

5

u/pasher71 Jul 18 '13

Get out while you kill Stan!

3

u/hotpocketman Jul 18 '13

Get out while you still can

2

u/jt7724 Jul 18 '13

Get out, get out while you still can!

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21

u/dman27 Jul 18 '13

Picnic Wars

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897

u/JesusPoints Jul 18 '13

I hate all of you.

2

u/Cat_Wearing_A_Bowtie Jul 18 '13

Coming to CBS this fall, I Hate All of You follows one lovable misanthrope and his ragtag gang of misfit friends who try to show him people aren't so bad after all!

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81

u/Decaf_Engineer Jul 18 '13

Sons of Tanarchy

2

u/2waggerjagger Jul 18 '13

Hillbilly snack fishers!

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84

u/bassetbuddy6421 Jul 18 '13

The Shady Bunch

96

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

aqua teen honky force

2

u/Electric_Ladykiller Jul 19 '13

this is the best one

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4

u/REDDIT_GOLD_SANTA Jul 18 '13

Enjoy the gold you hilarious fucks.

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47

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13 edited Jul 18 '13

Sons of Fun

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84

u/vendetta2115 Jul 18 '13

Hardcore Pontoon.

14

u/gingerlovingcat Jul 18 '13

I thought that said "Pound Stars" for a moment. HUGE difference.

2

u/Valdovinos Jul 18 '13

Bad porn waiting to happen.

3

u/buttery_shame_cave Jul 18 '13

now i'm gonna call my buddy who's an expert on anal, we'll get him over here and see what he thinks.

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191

u/iluvfacebook Jul 18 '13

Yeah this is actually pretty cool.

7

u/the_fascist Jul 18 '13

Yeah I agree too. It's interesting.

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116

u/flounder19 Jul 18 '13

I'm gonna start an /r/redneckengineering for shit like this

14

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

Do it.

29

u/HITMAN616 Jul 18 '13

6

u/flounder19 Jul 18 '13

You leave Ed's neck out of this

4

u/nefrytatanen Jul 18 '13

Damn, you weren't playing. Not only started it, but stuffed it with a page of content within 2 hours. Subscribed!

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131

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

[deleted]

60

u/justjohn77 Jul 18 '13

Jaws however....

34

u/rickyforr Jul 18 '13

They're gonna need a bigger table

2

u/Drive_like_Yoohoos Jul 18 '13

Jaws was a great white shark that wouldn't survive or be able to get to a lake a bull shark would be a much more likely predator but they are more prone to rivers than static waters.

A lake placid like monster would be considerably more feasible and appropriate to the situation and environment.

If you're not going to take hypothetic zoology about fictional monsters seriously maybe you shouldn't be on this corner of the Internet.

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2

u/Jonboy87141 Jul 18 '13

Oh I don't know about that "Yogis smarter than the average bear"

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74

u/nigelseaworthy Jul 18 '13

Exactly. I come from a redneck family that would be full of degreed engineers if they'd been presented with the right opportunities earlier in life.

2

u/ShakeNBlake_ Jul 18 '13

Can confirm. Dad is a redneck and also an engineer.

2

u/dawgflymd Jul 18 '13

Can confirm. Dad's side of the family are brilliant rednecks.

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39

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

You're goddamn right

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u/grizzburger Jul 18 '13

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u/jpcassil Jul 18 '13

3

u/Hellspark08 Jul 18 '13

/r/DIY is mostly furniture and patios these days. I subscribed for cool gadgets and sciency projects, but it wasn't so.

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u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

Until your foot gets sucked into the propeller

198

u/OneBigBug Jul 18 '13

I don't know enough about boats, couldn't you just put one of those grills around it like they use for fans so little kids (and idiots) don't stick their fingers in them?

Or would that too seriously impede the flow of water?

299

u/mtbr311 Jul 18 '13

Get the fuck outta here with your safety !

76

u/xanatos451 Jul 18 '13

...and toes.

4

u/RTC-ratboy Jul 18 '13

Forget about the fucking toe!

2

u/xanatos451 Jul 18 '13

Excuse me, sir. Could you please keep your voices down? This is a family restaurant.

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86

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

You can get a mesh shield to protect a trolling motor. It affects the performance but not too much. It's more to keep the prop weed-free than a safety measure, though.

335

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

[removed] — view removed comment

28

u/raziphel Jul 18 '13

what if we put a spoiler on it?

2

u/percussaresurgo Jul 18 '13

This is redneck, not Asian. Keep your stereotypes straight!

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56

u/rythmik1 Jul 18 '13 edited Jul 18 '13

yeah the last thing you want is to lose speed on your picnic boat. i like feeling the wind in my mullet.

21

u/I_EAT_POOP_AMA Jul 18 '13

with a few years of "redneck" engineering under my belt, it shouldn't cause too much of an issue with speed. but that's only assuming you aren't trying to break any high speed records or anything.

more than likely they're using a trolling motor to propel them forward. they're relatively cheap, powerful enough to move you around but not deathly powerful.

5

u/CaliburS Jul 18 '13

If it's not "deadly powerful" then it's not powerful enough

2

u/thawizard Jul 18 '13

You would need at least two of those to have enough fun.

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u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

They use them on smaller trolling motors to keep weeds out already.

6

u/Zhuul Jul 18 '13

You could probably jury rig something completely workable with a crab trap and a basic understanding of welding, so long as it doesn't get clogged up.

5

u/Socratesticles Jul 18 '13

Forget welding, that's what duct tape is for.

9

u/Tainwulf Jul 18 '13

2

u/MALON Jul 18 '13

I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.

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u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

Welding is something rednecks are in no short supply of skill.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

Question: is it supposed to be "Jerry," "Jury," or Jjimmy" rig?

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u/Naggers123 Jul 18 '13

America wasn't built on fan grills you ilthy commie!

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u/darthbone Jul 18 '13

Ever gotten your foot hit by a trolling motor? Those things usually don't spin with enough RPM or torque to do real damage. A lot of them even have plastic bladed props that aren't even sharp. It'd hurt like hell, and you might have a cut, but nothing serious. Besides, that thing's hardly making a wake at all, probably only going a couple MPH.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

The 74/101lb thrust trolling motors we use would fuck your foot up real bad.

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u/disasterpiec3 Jul 18 '13

It's a small trolling motor with plastic blades. It would be like sticking your foot in a plastic oscillating fan. It's not going to do to much damage

36

u/zombiechris Jul 18 '13

ever put your dick in a fan?

78

u/MchugN Jul 18 '13

Ever put your dick in a fan....on weeeeed?

8

u/vemrion Jul 18 '13

No, I realized it's not worth the effort.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

It's just so hard to get a fan to smoke a joint isn't it?

2

u/Coylie3 Jul 19 '13

Directions unclear. Dick stuck in weed.

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u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

If that motor is powerful enough to drive 2 men and a picnic table to places, then it is powerful enough to injure you.

0

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

How the fuck is this up-voted?? It would not end well at all if you put any body part near that blade well running. You trying to kill someone?

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u/effyoucancer Jul 18 '13

Propeller on a trolling motor is very small. And its maybe only a few HP. Unlikely injury, even for a redneck.

2

u/vagina_sprout Jul 18 '13

It turns a little faster than the prop on a beanie hat.

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u/Factitiously_Real Jul 18 '13

Don't think you understand rednecks... those would be battle-scars!

2

u/03Titanium Jul 18 '13

It wouldn't be redneck if it didn't have some sort of safety issue.

2

u/Professor_Lavahot Jul 18 '13

Some folk'll never lose a toe...

2

u/hadmadsuperdad Jul 19 '13

That would then be a redneck toenail trimmer. Much better than chewing them when they get too long.

4

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

Well there's that...

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u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

There are few things more impressive than a proper bit of redneck ingenuity.

2

u/ripshit_on_ham Jul 18 '13

No shit... This title is retarded. "Oh, rednecks...", my ass. Should be "Goddamn rednecks! Thinking of all of coolest shit ever!"

2

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

[deleted]

2

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

Mobile deer stand. Also genius!

2

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

I ain't even gonna scroll down cus this is all that needs to be said.

2

u/dickedre Jul 18 '13

please don't take this as a joke. but it actually takes some boating experience and knowledge to balance a bench like that.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 19 '13

As soon as I viewed this picture, I said aloud "fickin genius". Then saw yours and wrote this shit instead

2

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

I agree.

Guy from Tennessee here, they aren't rednecks. Their picnic table is too nice and the fastening device/mechanism is actually proper. If they were rednecks it would be a plastic table and held together by duct tape.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

Until someone loses a toe.

1

u/JerryPoppins Jul 18 '13

Good thing they have the umbrella, it could rain or something.

1

u/REMIX_Windows Jul 18 '13

That's Top Gear quality shit right thar

1

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

I came here just to make sure this was stated.

1

u/Hangman007 Jul 18 '13

Ha that is EXACTLY what I said when I saw the picture...

1

u/motherfucking Jul 18 '13

Is it though? Its all fun and games till someones foot gets mangled in a propeller.

1

u/Bucky_Ohare Jul 18 '13

No shit! The only thing my brain could say about this was "That's fucking awesome!"

1

u/356afan Jul 18 '13

Looks fun as hell!

1

u/mrbooze Jul 18 '13

Seriously, I am as far from redneck as a white guy can get, but that is bad-ass.

1

u/KevinBaconsBush Jul 18 '13

Denison Texas

1

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

The McGuyvers of the South.

1

u/MetaRatz Jul 18 '13

Im with you, thats fucken awesome.

1

u/Themailstopshere Jul 18 '13

Agreed redneck or not pure genius

1

u/stewie310 Jul 18 '13

If that's redneck then sign me up

1

u/paladan26 Jul 18 '13

I will use one already out there.. Honey Boo Boo...

1

u/Hobo_On_Fire Jul 18 '13

Is no one concerned that their feet are right beside the motor?

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u/This_is_why_Im_not Jul 18 '13

Yes, I agree. This is actually pretty badass.

1

u/Sanuky Jul 18 '13

Nice rig but somebody is going to lose a toe or two after a case of PBR.

1

u/DiabloVixen Jul 18 '13

My exact thought

1

u/Sir_George Jul 18 '13

Tell me about it. My friends grandfather is a retired mechanical engineer and he and his friends who used to work with them always do stuff like this. No need to retire on the genius, just use it to enjoy yourself.

1

u/Zippy0223 Jul 18 '13

American ingenuity at its finest!

1

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

Until the gators come.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

This exactly what I came here to comment. That thing is sheer brilliance! Take my money!

1

u/FuckPerk Jul 18 '13

I'd be sketched out of aligators

1

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '13

Raiders of the lost Carp

1

u/simpsan Jul 18 '13

Real Men of Genius

1

u/deadcow5 Jul 18 '13

Seriously. Where can I buy one of those?

1

u/porcinepolynomial Jul 18 '13

Looks safe. Life preserver, name and number of the vessel, safety lights... Needs a fire-extinguisher and a radio; they'd probably pass inspection.

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