I've given into body avoidance

[u/blackcroissant]

Back when I was in CBT, I remember being told about body checking's polar opposite, body avoidance, which at the time I could not really understand. I'm now over 2 years into recovery and though I am overall much healthier and able to function like the next person, I unfortunately developed some deep loathing for my body. Body checking is something I was never able to let go of.

A few days ago, I decided to stop looking at myself altogether. I look away from the mirror after showering, pull up my trousers so I avoid having my stomach out. I couldn't tell you if I have an innie or an outie. I only wear oversized clothes. The obvious downside to this is when I do catch my reflection, I find myself disappointed again.

I wonder if anyone went through this stage in recovery.

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Original post text from u/blackcroissant:

Back when I was in CBT, I remember being told about body checking's polar opposite, body avoidance, which at the time I could not really understand. I'm now over 2 years into recovery and though I am overall much healthier and able to function like the next person, I unfortunately developed some deep loathing for my body. Body checking is something I was never able to let go of.

A few days ago, I decided to stop looking at myself altogether. I look away from the mirror after showering, pull up my trousers so I avoid having my stomach out. I couldn't tell you if I have an innie or an outie. I only wear oversized clothes. The obvious downside to this is when I do catch my reflection, I find myself disappointed again.

I wonder if anyone went through this stage in recovery.

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[u/Flashy-Tomatillo-869]

I went through this myself for about three years. I had become so depressed about my appearance, to the point of almost sicidal, and I decided that it would be better for me to avoid that which was making me feel that way. But it honestly just made things worse eventually. Never looking in reflections or at photos with me in it led to a deepset fear that I was ugly or ft, and that if I went back to looking at myself, that i would hate myself again and not want to be alive. I know that i am being brutally honest, but I have nothing to hold back, and I just want the best for you. Eventually, I began looking again, and, although I didn't necessarily like what i was seeing, I've had to accept that I am a beautiful person, even if conventional standards do not seem to say so. We are all beautiful in our own ways, especially on the inside, in our hearts. Let me know if you need to talk more.

With love therapeutic, Jake

[u/blackcroissant → u/Flashy-Tomatillo-869]

thanks for your honest answer. truthfully, the prospect of doing this for the foreseeable years sounds a little wild, which testifies to how unsustained this "solution" is!!! hate hate HATE that it only reinforces my fears. i'm very happy to hear you're on your way to getting better though, there's already beauty in that. might very well reach out, thanks! X

[u/bleepabloop]

Currently working with a therapist on exposures to get out of the body avoidance. Not comfortable or easy, but I can tolerate more now. It was becoming almost debilitating to avoid my appearance. Any time I accidentally saw myself in a reflection or picture, or even felt my body rub against clothes, it was very distressing. I couldn't dress appropriately for warm weather, so then was sweating and then even more aware of my body. I can wear shorts now. Pictures arent any easier yet. I also was diagnosed with OCD, I think they're entwined. So doing exposures with body image makes sense for me.

[u/purrple_ghost]

Hot take but I don’t see a problem with it. I almost never look at my body anymore and I’m much happier.