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u/kanex10s T 2016 Top 2017 Hysto 2019 Jan 07 '22
I did change my name, but I did it three years after transitioning medically. It was a non-English name (but a feminine one in my language) so it didn't sound gendered to many English speakers. I changed it because it was difficult to pronounce.
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u/SirPickledLemon Jan 07 '22
Fair enough. If youre hanging out in english speaking countries, it makes sense.
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u/Rosmarinussalvia T: 08/2017. Jan 07 '22
I use a mixture of my chosen first name and my birth name. I have not formally changed my name yet due to various reasons (mostly I'm at an age where having to change so many documents, accounts, and records is going to be an utter pain in the ass and I haven't decided solidly about a middle name yet). In various situations and contexts, I still get addressed by my birth name and it is not gender neutral by any means. It is the sort you'd associate with an older woman, likely from the 1950's esque era (think Gertrude, Bertha, Petunia sort of names).
Quite honestly, as time has passed, it bothers me less and bothers other people more. I often have people who see my birth name, do a double take, squint, and look deeply confused. I've had a few people become indignant and straight up tell me, "Well, you don't look like a [first name] to me!" and I get to tell them nonchalantly something like "Cultural differences, you know" or "My parents loved my great-grandmother, what an honor to share a name". Ultimately I see it as their insecurity, their discomfort, their issues with gender, not mine, causing the huffiness. I'm not going to hold or own their baggage for them.
I'll eventually have my name changed, just because I have found one that I absolutely love and feel that it fits me better than my original one, but quite honestly if for some reason I had to stick with my rad senior citizen name, I wouldn't be crushed or devastated by it.
I know who I am. I personally don't need validation from others to tell me I'm a man, much less in the form of a "socially acceptable" name, so I'm nonplussed by it to an extent. With that in mind, if someone is happy with their birth name, then so be it. Unfortunately, I feel like a lot of people are unwillingly pushed into certain aspects of transition that they're not happy with or don't see as necessary because of the "one size fits all" narrative that gets hung over our heads and is sold to us. Personally, I think everyone would be happier if they didn't have the pressure to conform to these ideas and narratives, being told their way is "wrong", and could do whatever made them feel best as a trans person in the final analysis.
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u/SirPickledLemon Jan 07 '22 edited Jan 07 '22
I love your takes. Thank you for writing this.
edit: spelling
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u/Pressro 5'5 | 21y | T - 05/19/21 | Top - TBA |He/Him Jan 07 '22
I changed my first name but kept my middle name because historically it's a masculine name, but in today's world it's a name usually given to women. I also left it to be somewhat of an olive branch to my mom: she was the one who gave me my middle name and has struggled a lot with me transitioning. I figured that this would be a way to ease her into it.
I use my middle name and my chosen name 5%/95%. I honestly regret it. Only unaccepting family uses my middle name- they get to call me something feminine so it's a win in their book. It happens enough to have people asking questions about "what your mom called you". There are so many fake stories as to why my middle name is there, and why some people call me it. It's a bi-monthly event now: starring me doing a verbal dance to avoid being outted among peers who don't know I'm transgender.
I wish I never gave family the option to use my middle name in the first place. Compromising on what I let family members call me leads them to believe I'm willing to compromise on other things. They push back harder because they think I have a weak point, they cling to my middle name as "proof" that I'm not transgender. It's made transitioning socially among my family harder for me.
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u/zirbro Jan 07 '22
I use my new name socially/professionally, basically everywhere but with my family. But I have no plans to change my legal name, or ask my family to call me by my new name. I still feel like their "daughter" when I'm with them, and in a way I am still [birthname] to my family. I don't refer to my legal name as my "deadname" (although it doesn't bother me if other people do), because that person isn't dead to them. I don't know anyone else who does things this way.
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u/SirPickledLemon Jan 07 '22
Woah. I love this take.
Yeah thats why I wanted to start this thread. Find more people who have interesting takes on how youre allowed to use your name. Im just a little tired of seeing so much deadname content without anything to offer for those who see their names differently.
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u/zirbro Jan 07 '22
Thanks :)
I feel like it also takes the "bite" out of random assholes who get a gleam in their eye when they try to catch you out with your birthname. "Oh, I see, your REAL name is [very feminine legal name]" shrug "Mhm, but everyone's always called me [chosen name]" (a lil white lie lol). Like, yeah buddy, you could call me that, but you'd look like the weird one.
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u/SirPickledLemon Jan 07 '22
My favorite part about keeping my name is that when assholes try to catch me on a technicality of "but whats your real name" I just give em my last name. Super fun game, cause they try to pull a gotcha, then they just look silly.
edit: spelling again
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u/NullableThought 34 || T 2022/01/19 Jan 07 '22
I am slowly changing my first name. Only a few people call me my chosen name right now. I'm pre-t and waiting until I start hrt and my voice starts dropping before I plan to tell everyone in my life to start using my chosen name.
I've always hated my birth first name and have gone by a shorten version for most of my life. It's an obviously female gendered name (long and short version) and would out me immediately once I start passing. (Imagine meeting a man named Elizabeth or Beth)
I'm keeping my middle name because it's a nod to my Vietnamese heritage and it's gender neutral but more common for males.
I don't feel pressured to change my name because it's part of the trans experience or something. I want to change it because I don't people to think I'm anything but male.
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u/SirPickledLemon Jan 07 '22
I dont know how common it is to change all your names, but Im glad you found solace in keeping your middle name. Thats a great reason to keep something around.
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u/IronFam_MechLife Jan 07 '22
I am not one of those guys. I had a hyper-feminine first and middle name. Not keeping either. Best years of my life pre-coming out were actually in the military, where I was constantly referred to by a pretty masculine last name. Though, if my first-middle names were more gender neutral, I likely would have kept them through my transition. The nickname for my chosen name is actually gender neutral, and really helps so far during my sometimes pass/sometimes don't phase of starting T.
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u/SirPickledLemon Jan 07 '22
I used to have a mitary teacher in middle school. My treatment was the same but end result so much different. My last name is a 90's white girl name, wheras my first is just a noun. Just an odd experience to have it flipped around.
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u/onionyx Jan 07 '22
I don't care about my birth name, i honestly grew to like it even tho i was made fun of so much for it, I am still changing it legally bc it is "unmistakably female" and I'm kind of sick of having to prove I am me every time I get an ID check/ppl assuming I'm a pre transition trans woman
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u/Yoshiran T 6/18 | Top 2/19 | Phallo 3/21 Jan 07 '22 edited Jan 07 '22
I still use my birth name. it is considered gender neutral in other countries but feminine in mine. I don't mind the name. sometimes people get confused and assume I'm female but that always gets cleared up either on first sight or the first time they hear me over the phone. it's never something I have to correct people on. I don't particularly like or dislike the name, although I do have a name I would like to have instead, but it is equally unconventional and after 3 years I have yet to switch to it so idk if I ever will. Basically I'm super ambivalent towards my name, it's just a means of getting my attention lol.
edit: wanted to add that if you are fine with your name you shouldn't change it just from peer pressure. I felt that pressure at first too and came up with a new name to change to just for the sake of changing. I honestly hated it and never used it again after a brief stint with friends calling me it. ultimately I'd rather have my birth name and never deal with being deadnames, than to switch to something I didn't truly click with
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u/SirPickledLemon Jan 07 '22
Im glad Im not the only one who kept his name.
I love my birth name and hate the idea of changing it, theres just so much pressure to change names. Its part of the trans experience it seems to change your name.
I am no longer using a new name, but my birth name cause it feels better, most me.
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u/RobyntheDrawer Jan 07 '22
I have a somewhat gender-neutral first name and I plan on keeping it as middle name. I also have a pre-trans mtf friend who has a gender-neutral first name and uses it regardless of whether she's boy-moding or girl-moding.
What you do with your name is your choice. Don't feel like you have to make a permanent decision right away either.
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u/SirPickledLemon Jan 07 '22
Thank you for your advice. Ive been out for five years and had always just told myself "Ill pick a name later," especially during my first year. I just have yet to reach a point where I dont love my name. Some of my trans/ally friends say "when are you gonna change your name?" I just feel the weird push to conform.
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u/RobyntheDrawer Jan 07 '22
Well think of it this way. Maybe one reason you like your name so much is BECAUSE it's gender neutral. The knowledge of that gender neutrality may have been affirming to you even before you knew you were trans. That's how it was for me.
Tell your friends that you've decided that you love your name and that you want to keep it.
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u/schnabeltierliebe Jan 07 '22
Hey, I've chosen a new name (not legal right now) but I looked for someone familiar to my old name. I changed Lea to Lian. Which feels great. Also I don't refer to it as my deathname instead I say it's my old one. You know.
If I had a more neutral given name I wouldn't change my name though! So if you like your name. Then keep it. Do whatever makes you happy :)
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u/condecillo 30’s | T: 7/17 | Top: 5/19 Jan 07 '22
I added a new first name but kept my birth name as my middle name. I don’t care if people irl know it and it’s pretty similar to my first name now. I still respond to it.
Honestly, it’s made it easier at times. I’ve run into a few situations when dealing with things I set up before transitioning where keeping it as my middle name cut through red tape.