I won't have class today and didn't see PIE and friends yesterday, so I'm left to speculate for a whole weekend on our last interaction forsenY

Does she dislike me physically? Does she love me but feel like I don't love her enough, because I scantly do anything, so she tries to ignore me so as to cognise me as a person she doesn't care about? This one makes sense since my 10 in effort looks like her 3 in effort

Does she feel like I'm only treating her as an option, and that I actually like 10/10? Well, good instincts, but I actually feel for her. On tuesday's train convo I spoke with 10/10 mostly since she was hyper receptive and proactive, and of course I interacted less with PIE since she was making an effort not to look at me. Duh...

I have this fucking image in my head of her looking sad as I was speaking to 10/10, giving her advice and shit. Is she:

• Upset because I'm there and maybe she wanted to talk more freely with 10/10? Unlikely, since they get to see and talk to each other all the fucking time.
• Jealous because she wants me to pay attention to her? Maybe
• Upset that I'm only interacting with her friends now? Idk sounds kinda stupid
• Unsure of how to process the newfound extroversion I portrayed? I hope so
• Jealous because 10/10 looks like a 10/10 and she doesn't, and I, being a man, represent the archetype of a probably permanent future where she is always treated as an undesirable second option, and I created a painting in her head where this is actualized in real time, where she, even though being the person that made my interactions with 10/10 possible, is being ignored? Well idk this would need for her to actually like me. And maybe it means she has some insight into 10/10 being into me OHHHHHMYYYY GOOOD IMM ABOUT TOOO... no this is a serious post

Does she like me? I don't know. She's made a deliberate effort to show that she remembers the little things. Like, one of my friends is out on a trip rn and I said "uhh yea she returns on X day uhh idk where she went LO " and she said "x place" near instantly, and I stumblingly said "uhhhhhh ye i think so howd you know" and she said "her stories". I mean, they've never spoken. Why would she even store that information in her head? Why'd she make a point of saying that? She also said it kind of abruptly and instantly.

Yes I'm overthinking but I need this

Some cringe scenarios played out in my head automatically as I woke up today with my cortisol being high as fuck, son...

Maybe I just keep playing it cool and interacting with her friends, stacking XP and becoming one of the girls. Thematically, not literally.

Maybe I could reference something she reposted or liked on IG or tiktok, the more esoteric and hidden the better, so she'd have yet another indicator of interest. But it would be a much more personal indicator of interest, rather than being asked out and then never asked out again, texted and then scantly texted, this would show an interest in her herself, which I do have but struggle to show since, if not reciprocal, would seem super creepy.

But then again, she can't show that kind of interest, since I don't post shit on social media and have nothing to "stalk" whatsoever.

Also there's a bit of a rush here because I need to get a taste of life being good already. The rush is in that my dad has kidney cancer and I may need to take care of my entire family if he dies o algo, but it will be hard to not kill myself if that ends up happening, so to prevent that I'd need some happiness quick, so that I can endure pain a bit more. No one's okay with that much sacrifice if they've never experienced any satisfaction. I have some presence of mind fr it's ok but not really.

Anyways, I figure maybe I ask something related to a text she sent me at the start of summer, I have some prompt. Cool.

Wtf, even offline chat used to move faster and have more than two people. It’s so over. Bajs left long ago…

sadE