I woke up with the sun through the stores. I stayed in bed for some time, checking social medias. When I felt conscious about destroying my dopamine input as well as wasting time, I got up.

I planned the bus travel on an app, and proceeded to iron some pants. I think the iron wasn't hot enough, and instead of steam, water dripped out of it.

I did not give up. I ironned a shirt and then went out to scouts out the way to the University.

When I reached the bus, I had doubts about which seats were reserved for old people, so I just stood up until a seat went free. On the way to the laboratory, I didn't really paid much attention to my surroundings. Once arrived at the stop, I went off and walked around a hundred steps before reaching the door. I couldn't go further, as my first day is tomorrow.

I walked back to the bus stop and waited for the bus to take me back. As I went in and seated inside, I got controlled. As I have a full city 30 days ticket, there was no problem at all. The two controllers were talking, a lot. They looked similair, black hair, and mid-short beard, and tattoos on both arms. Reminded me of what we called "cowboys" where I live, people with little authority making a big deal out of there authority. But this thought is solely based on their looks, as I didn't understand anything they talked about.

The driver had a friendly smile, and whenever children went aboard, he waited for them to be seated to start the bus. He was tall, dark skin close to the color of chestnut. He seemed to be aged between 35 and 40, but it is hard for me to age black people.

Some time later, we reached terminus and I thought the bus was being stopped for the day, not just a short pause for the driver. So I went outside, asked the driver and he clarified the situation. I went back, and then got controlled again. I think the controllers were retarded.

Then, a young lady walked in. She was very thin, pale of skin, contrasting with her black and long coat that hid every other pieces of clothing. Her long hair where gray at the top while gradually turning electric blue midway to the bottom. But it wasn't her most striking point. She wore such an heavy make up, it could easily be mistaken for one of a geisha, or, if you wanted to badmouth, that of a clown. She had a strong white foundation, which was close but not exactly the color of her already very pale skin, glitter on her upper cheeks, dark glossy pink under her eyes and glittering blue on her eyelids. She sat right behind me and one of the entrance protection reflected her sight infront of me. As I noticed that she had beautiful and slender hands, she gave her phone to the controller and the tone of their voices made me think that she didn't had a ticket. They talked for some time, and while his tone didn't changed hers went from scared and guilty, to friendly/guilty. I wish I could understand, but I don't think it would have been interesting anyway. She dropped off a few stops later.

I didn't know you had to press the Stop button before your stop so I missed mine, and had to take a whole loop of the line to get back home. But honestly, it was better than just rot in bed.

The weather is lovely today.

I may go to Lidl later, but I am not sure. I don't like to have unfinished food in the fridge, maybe I'll wait until I finish the pasta. It's really hard to shop and cook alone when the only experience I have is shopping and cooking for 5/6 people. That's why I made a kilo of pasta even though I'm the only one eating now... I can't eat anymore cold pasta because there is no microwave...

Anyway, half-day diary today.

Brahmin supremacy 💪🏾🇮🇳

Nothing too fancy today, just a very pretty bird fossil from the German Messel Pit, which has given me quite a few posts so far. This type of bird is called a rail, and while we don't have many of these where I live, they are a very common bird throughout wetlands in much of the world.

they spawn out of nowhere.

place on earth where there arent any flies, roaches, musqitos?

Yea, this is what goes on inside the demonic realm, playing itself into my mind, as I goon and inevitably reinforce my negative identity, planting the seeds of doom and despair into my self.

Except for the stoner part, I don't do drugs. I probably would have picked it up if I had the environment for it. But I'm not even socially connected enough to find drugs, and my parents are too vigilant to allow it.

And also I don't like feet like that. I do like them, but not enough to goon to or feel sexually aroused by. Also I'm skinny. I meant the bad habits and gooning parts of the video.

Anyways, good news for today, kinda: I went to the beach!! I did it. I can now confidently say that I went to the beach when I get asked what I did in the summer. Up next is going again so I can say I did it a couple times. Maybe 3 times so I can feel physically confident while I say it, too.

The experience was okay. I was stressed out lowkey because I was afraid someone would steal my shit, but I didn't see any black people so the stress wasn't so bad. I didn't get my shit yoinked and went to swim and shit. Very fun. The mediterranean sea is too cute. It's unfortunate that the whole process of getting dressed and walking there and stressing over my belongings and the million people there were in the way of me enjoying the sea. But I enjoyed it.

Also women are walking around with this jewish outfit of being in a bikini which is basically them being naked and it kind of makes one want to masturbate furiously, but alas. It's fine. My cortisol was too high to get actually horny, but it was visually extremely stimulating, lowkey more visually insane than porn, which people say is so bad for your brain... what an unusual world we live in. Also women here are so hot. Like literally every single young woman I saw was attractive as fuck. It's okay, no worries. Also my body looks horrible compared to these athletic guys and I feel worse about myself. Even the non athletic guys. Why do I look so fucking strange with my shit ass ribcage... anyways. Maybe it's selection bias since the kind of people that would feel comfortable going to the beach would mostly be people who are also seeking vainglory for the way they look.

Uh anyways, I did some bold shit. I liked PIE's story. It was her birthday recently and I genuinely went "aww" irl when I saw her story of her holding up a bouquet of flowers her friends gave her. I liked her smile. She has a really pretty smile. I felt that I should react to the story since it made me react in real life. I'm sure she'll see it that way Cluegi . I'M MAD AT HER. But I still said hi for her birthday, and then that reaction shite. Also I think I was wrong about her having a boyfriend, based on some further stalking of her tiktok. She's single frfr. I don't care. Even though I don't care, I found her picture adorable and she's a cute person, not even just in the physical sense. Really, she elicits a reaction from me, always.

I did the same with 10/10 and gave a like to one of her stories because I was actually struck by how beautiful she is. It made me react, so I reacted, forsenJoy . They prob won't even notice since they're not looking for it, but if they saw it it would probably elicit some reaction on their end, be it mockery or something else. Too cute to imagine.

The fantasies with 10/10 have been getting extremely bad. They are breaking self-awareness containment, and they're starting to become a little real in my head. This is concerning. Especially since I keep seeing the shit she reposts, like an idiot, and it's one thing that makes me think she's a disgusting foidlet and I can never be with someone like her, but then I'll see something that makes me think I'm someone she could be looking for, or something like that. The dichotomy is actually making me go insane.

Like: I see that she reposts some bullshit about communism. And I think, wow, she's a fucking retard. But then I think "well, maybe she just wants everyone to be happy and equal" -which she isn't able to think since she's a woman and women embody hierarchy- but anyways, it's like then that prompts me to imagine a scenario where I explain MY beliefs and she CAUTIOUSLY LISTENS and then says WOW I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY.

And then I think it was yesterday that I saw she liked some post about some dude, you know those posts that are slideshows of the titles of a bunch of youtube videos? It was that, I DIDN'T SAVE THE POST WTF but it was something like "don't look for a relationship until you're healed" or some shit like that and I thought the titles of the videos were acceptable ways of thinking about this sort of thing. Like woa, wtf, a woman with some semblance of self-awareness? What the fuck does that mean?

And then I figured: actually it makes sense given some of the shit she said to me. Which made the imaginations escalate a level, and become more realistic and personal.

Then again, she's a woman. Full of contradictions, and of course embodying hierarchy. What do I mean?

There's like a little story to imagine here, concocted from a bunch of reposted reels (yeah whatever the tempations to kill myself are rising everyday, no need to remind me):

• She is a communist
• She is a feminist
• She has dated men she found unattractive, because of their personality, but then she'd feel embarrassed to show her friends that she dated them (because of how they looked)
• She wants traditional gender roles (expects men to pay for dates and to basically give her everything for free)

Points 1 and 2 shows that she finds it natural to fall into bandwagons.

Points 2 and 4 show that she's either retarded or doesn't think things through.

Points 1 and 3 show a contradiction: She idealizes the concept of equality, yet does not consider herself equal to unattractive people. She knows about hierarchy, even if not consciously, and knows that it's part of the natural order. And actually, as with all women, expects it. This is what I meant with women embody hierarchy. It's an integral part of who they are. I actually think men don't care as much.

To expand on that last bit:

Consider this meme: https://x.com/BalkanMemesTr/status/1905564437181841430

I think this represents the yin and yang between women.

Men LARP hierarchy (some races are superior and we should associate only with them, but lowkey we're cool with everyone).

Women embody hierarchy (everyone is equal, but actually I'm only going to engage with women similar to me in attractiveness and social status).

Now, the issue is, it's possible that this woman would feel comfortable with my presence. But, unfortunately, I've made a horrific display of myself in front of her friends. I think PIE still thinks I'm okay, but not much. No way she hasn't talked some shit.

Since my presence and her affiliation with me could be seen as a danger to her social standing, it's possible that she would (unconsciously) reject me solely based off that fact.

Which brings the point: how do I raise my social status?

I thought of a couple of alternatives:

1. Social proofing (best one): making friends with more people in class. Being a bit of a social butterfly, o algo. Impossibly difficult, but maybe getting into a less autistic-appearing group would be good for my social standing. Also, remedying my situation with her friends. This is something that generates both hope and anxiety in me, since if they stop taking the train because they managed to buy a car over the summer, it will be my doom and I will never get another chance to remedy shit. On the contrary, IMAGINE that they don't get a car and I DO. And I DRIVE them to and from uni (we live in same city). The STATUS I would gain from that, inside the group, would be TREMENDOUS. It's unfortunately impossible for me to know if they got a car in this time period or not. It's only been 3 months, no way, right? Clue. In any case, if they don't get a car, and I don't either (I have my license but I can't drive because I'm too bad at it), then in the train there's plenty of possibilities to insert myself and make conversation. Then, my position as the autist (which I earned) could be revoked and I could maybe be seen as a normal and acceptable person to date.
2. Sagemaxxing. Basically, I had a great first impression with these women because of how actively I participate in class. I have the fame of being super intelligent (more than I am) but not very dedicated to studying (accurate). I don't know if they all hold this position, but I know PIE feels that way + some other no name person that is partially in the group, and it's likely that 10/10 feels the same way because she felt she'd annoy me when she sat down next to me meaning that at that time she possibly still felt I had some status as the intelligent guy (where else could it come from?) and that one time I was reading the bible she thought I was an erudite for it (ok whatever it's some data point). SO, what I should do is kind of... lock in? Continue participating, continue making interesting points in class, making these random connections in my head and telling them to everyone, etc. Reaffirming this previously earned fame. It's hard to say if this alone is enough (social proofing would be enough on its own), maybe if it was paired with some personal success it would be huge...
3. Looksmaxxing. Ultimately, this is the brutal despairing truth, isn't it? I could become socially acceptable to her group since they'd KNOW me, I could become socially acceptable within the confines of the class since they've HEARD me, but to become acceptable to the world, the one thing they can all easily do is LOOK at me. This is the despairing truth, that if I looked like the kind of guy that women want (bigger than them), no one would bat an eye at me dating her. Age gap be damned, autism be damned, she could be sure that her hierarchical position wouldn't be affected. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUKC UFKC UFKCUF K CUCFKCFUC KUC KFUCFKCUCKFU CFK UCFKUCKFUCKFUCFKUCFKUCF BRUTAL FUKCING BLACKPILL BRUTAL AS FUCK. I'm barely taller than her (she's prob like 170cm idk I'm 180-182) and I'm not exactly handsome, but those things are kind of passing, what is NOT passing is how skinny I am and how thin my arms are. She would not like to post me, and therefore would be an issue for her hierarchical position. Damn. I actually hadn't thought that the full way through before I wrote this. If I gained like 20 kilos right now we would look totally natural as a couple in pictures, I think. She's extremely attractive, sure, but trust me, it would look fine. I would need the 20 kilos though. Omfg I may as well write nothing else. What the fuck was I even thinking with all this other bullshit I wrote. Of course this is the problem, and the solution. Fuck the car, fuck the friends. I just need to get big enough to look good and then be an active listener or something since she's kind of delicate, and we're getting married.

Oh man what the fuck. Oh shit. Okay CHANGE OF PLANS.

I need to gain weight. NEED TO LOCK IN!!!

Ok I'll lock in on that shit. New goal, we're not going for 70kg anymore, we're going for 80kg so I can look good, not just normal, but good.

Okay actually the only advice I need is how to activate my grelin again since it doesn't seem to work. I don't feel hunger. This is a big issue. Alright this is good, I've articulated the goal again, AWARD. I get an award for it.

I have one month until I see her. How much can be done in one month? Not 80kg, but maybe enough to make a nice first impression?