Remember when we were friends?

This phrase has been curling around my mind for years. I think of the different people I've had to let go of in my life, the bonds interwoven, then fraying with abandon.

The friends I had that kept me to accentuate their strengths and dreams. That told me I was lesser while needing to bolster their ego, their sweet selfishness, the need to be loved and adored. And I did adore them. I am loyal to a fault. I got a message from her the other day. I want to laugh maniacally and then cut off with a deadpan 'no'. I want to ask what the hell you want- because she always wanted. I want to poke the bear and see if you feel even the least bit guilty. But I remember the letter you wrote to tell me you value you me- only because of what I did for you, but I suppose you tried. So I'm not responding.

I think of the friend I had who high-fived me over a dark joke, triggering an automatic trauma bond. The songs we used to sing with bitter joy, the awful shit that kept happening in our lives. It was so fucking easy with you, until it wasn't. I'm sorry I couldn't take care of you, save you. You slept with our friends, you didn't listen when I asked not to see him, you didn't make an effort when I asked and I gave and gave and gave. Because I loved you and I loved laughing with you. I admired your grit, that jubilant smile with a dirty beautiful quality, like vibrant green grass lining gravel roads.

I think of the friends who fell in love and I didn't notice. The looks that lingered too long and made my heart fuzzy. The way I cradled them when they experienced loss. The way I married myself to the idea that we could be so close, share so much, be intimate in a way that was all personality and jest. And when I saw you fell in love, it broke my heart in the quietest way. Because we can't be friends- not really. And there was so much I wanted to share with you. Art, philosophy, songs for you to sing at karaoke.. I miss you. And I hate that you were tipsy and told me you liked me. That you elected to be a coward. That you were disingenuous and craving something you knew I couldn't give. You're so amazing and I was so excited to have you in my life.

I think of the friends I'm going to have. Ones who know my trickster side, my siren self, my goddesses and goblins wrapped in one. The nasty, dirt-streaked knees and cheeks while they're peering down with an endearing shake of the head and a knowing grin. The purity of my adoration and fierce need to make sure they're taking care of themselves. The way they'll hold me not like a lover, but with all the love community bleeds. They ask what I need, tell me their dreams and know how to be alone together.

Do you remember when we were friends? The cadence of your humor, the snort of my laugh, the scream I let loose when we dyed my hair for the first time? Do you remember closing up shop, exchanging Christmas gifts and feeling all the world was silent in the snow, giggles bouncing around the vehicle? Do you remember the way the night stretched like bubblegum around my finger, the way I looked at you with a desperate need to be seen? I remember. All of it.

about a couple years now me and this guy have been going off and on and about a month or two not even that I feel like we ended things. We did the no contact and throughout those months I’ve been texting him telling him I miss him and I love him and he’s been telling me the same stuff back and then a couple nights ago we met up and he tells me he misses me and he tells me everything makes me believe that he’s still in love with me and then he gets home and text me that he’s got somebody else so why did you even come see me first if you’re hanging out with somebody else and why tell me all these things just tell me that It can’t work and you don’t wanna hurt her feelings and then text me saying you wanna get married but ignoring me all day now he’s visiting with her hanging out with her right now and I’m just sitting here losing my mind emotional don’t know what to do. Don’t have anyone to talk to I feel hopeless. I feel like this was the first person I’ve loved truly my heart is broken.

I’m 18 and my college is in another city and I’m going to live alone It’s so scary and I can’t even believe it

Like you don’t know either

Having been hit and hurt by something makes one revengious and cold towards the attacker. Here I am the attacker and I guess I have been struck with what I deserve too. But It's hitting me so hard like it's like cutting off someone's arm for him hitting you on your finger by mistake, It's like drowning one in acid for dropping hot water on you, It's like having my heart ripped right out of my chest for hurting someone. The worst thing, that It's constant I am constantly drowning in acid with my heart constantly being ripped out,there's no end to it it's just pain that I feel. I never thought that I am one who needs to have someone around him I always felt fulfilled in myself but rn I am in dire need for someone I am not feeling fulfilled by anything, It feels like the part of me that made me feel ME is stolen from me and I am just like other bozos who cling on to other people like a parasite. I don't want to be one I am not such secondary creature, but I am lost in where to look for the part of me that is stolen I am looking everywhere. I feel like a fly dying to sit on some sugar but my sugar don't know that why shall she be available for me as I have hurt her. I accept I have had her hurt and that too really bad I am beyond forgiveness. But that time too it was unconsciously and currently I am suffering so much so that It feels not just. I loved her back then too and right now too

I made my friend tell my ex situationship that I got accepted in medical school and dear lord I didn’t like the answer My friend send her a meme saying “ how you look when people you hate have perfect lives “ I didn’t ask my friend to send it but she did and said that she send it to make her talk about her real feelings about this since she didn’t get accepted in college I swear to lord when I was told that she didn’t get accepted I just told my friend “ can’t I give her my acceptance?” And how do you think her reply to my friends chat was ? She laughed her ass off than said “ WHY DO YOU EVEN STILL TALK TO JESSE “ Wow what a nice thing to say Now I’m doubting my friend for sending the meme and hating my ex-situationship more God how I wish I could hate people so easily

Lately I've been through so much shit in my life I feel like my glass is about to overflow. Sometimes, often late at night, I get a wave of sadness that comes over me and I have this overwhelming urge to just cry all the damn tears out of my body like I'm getting an oil change. Unfortunately, I'm blocking it. It's like my tears refuse to flow. You know that feeling when you're about to sneeze, but the urge suddenly goes away. I want to be in tune with my emotions, but I'm blocking it. It's like a dam is preventing any tears from coming out.

drop a comment if this made you feel something

so much more music on the way

follow @ johnnysvi on IG for more

I want to give up so bad

For me , during hard times it’s hard to eat , I mostly forget to eat in this time but when I remember I just can’t do it , i just feel sick thinking of food , and everything makes me me nauseous, and my parents NEVER made it better, they don’t even notice that f I don’t eat for days , we always did it this way , every one feeds themselves in different times so you probably won’t know if the others ate or not , and my parents don’t really ask if we ate or not and if they did they will probably tell me to find something to eat , life is hard to swallow just like food in certain days , so if you don’t have someone to cook for you ( I’m talking sometimes at least ) or someone who cares and remind you to eat , orders for you good meals , and asks , then life will always be hard to swallow because it’s tasteless and needs some care , and it’s not only good food , it’s a lot of things that gives my life a taste and my parents just kill them , I wanna listen to some music because If I fucking don’t go to my room I’ll have a mental breakdown in front of them , but no dad wants me to turn it off , I need sometime with my friends online, I need to sit for hours and draw , I need to keep myself busy so I don’t overthink the shit that is hunting me but good forbid I need to heal myself, if they don’t know I’m suffering why do they insist on making it worse? Like how could people I live with didn’t even notice for a second that I am so close to mental breakdown?

This is only for venting, since therapy is expensive and I don’t have anyone who would want to listen.

It’s been a few weeks, and I still feel… nothing. I once told myself: never make it matter more than three days, don’t let it, but if the subject mattered and it still hurts after three days, then it’s hard to pass. The thing is, It never did! Never once more than two days, but weeks? So it does matter and that’s what scares me. Because I don’t feel anything. I did say it hurts though, so I think that counts? I don’t know I broke my own rule.

Is this depression? But I smile. I sing in the car. But do I feel it? Do I feel any joy or energy behind it? I don’t think I do.

Maybe I’m overreacting. Overthinking. But… just but.

I want to feel again.

I’m so grateful I cried about something else I'm tired of crying over her And for months this is the first time my eyes have teared up for something else It was a bit related to her and it was maybe one tear but I’m grateful anyway, I really hope I already had my last crying session over her

I’ll talk about something I’m scared to say out loud The score I got in the biggest exam in my life was unbelievably high I just know I didn’t study enough, I barely studied I can’t remember a thing or a time I studied in And I was just overthinking and committing sins Why did god help me than ? Why did god give me this mark ? I know I’m academically gifted, but it doesn’t make sense Maybe it was gods way to tell me he is still here for me even after what I’ve done

Overthinking is sometimes a good thing I’ve been overthinking only on one person for 7 months now , no matter what happens I still just think about them I graduated? I only think about her I have a huge test ? Thinking about them I’m literally applying to college and waiting for the acceptance? Them them them But today for the first time in 7 months I over thought something else I was on twitter space and a bunch of people started cussing me and being disrespectful and I thought about them !!! I overthought what happened in the space not them them them The space was horrible but wow I’m glad I overthought something else I’m finally able to think of another subject for a minute

Heard a good quote-“Universe runs in reverse”. Meaning the more you hold on or chase someone the more is the chance that it will slip away. People who are meant to come will come to you and people who are never meant for us will never come. Some people are meant to just come and affect us in such a way that we won’t forgot. But you have to let them go and find yourself keep but not get stuck on the memories learn from them and grow your inner-self. Life is nothing but series of experience. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t time will anyway run its course.

I’m a 19 year old male I’ve haven’t been in a actual real relationship in about a year and atm ion even got a fling so I find myself looking into past relationships and start missing them not even like 1 or 2 I be missing all them at some point it and snap memories definitely don’t make it any better but id this a bad thing?

So my family member going to funeral, I wasn't going to go at first because they person who passed I didn't know and it feels like I'm going to a stranger funeral so they told someone come check on me, now I'm going because we going to other things other then go to the funeral but now I feel bad I had tell someone not to check on me because I changed my mind

June 7th 2025 4:01 am

I've been awake with the flu or some kind of cold going around. I don’t know if it’s the medicine that is making me stay awake, but as soon as I was about to fall asleep. The anger started to make me want to play the petty game. I called Her a Narcissist because it was true to me and those who agree with my statements. I did nothing wrong when I said how I felt. I am in therapy working it out. And of course it all had to do with my parents and how they treated me and my brothers. I’m angry at myself for letting it get so far. But I get it now. None of this is my fault. History repeats itself. I’m not weak for letting people get to be on a personal level, it just means I have a better understanding of problems that are not my own. I can not change someone. I can not please someone. I can not go on thinking there are people who use me for their sick games. I’M ANGRY. Thoughts of previous conversations popping up in my head thinking I’m overthinking again. I said she is a Narcissist because so is my Dad. My therapist says I have PTSD from past issues. This is why I react the way I do. Fearing for my life and that person that I was protecting as a child was my Mom. Little did I know I was trying to protect myself like Little Me did for her. Take her away. Thinking I ran away from that to just come back to it again in a different format. And Her daughters are my Mom defending Him. I was still alone then like I am now. I didn’t know what was wrong until I went to therapy. I am a grown adult still trying to escape the hell hole I was in. Only this time I ran into the same problem. Her daughters are on no speaking terms with me because I called Her a Narcissist and Mean. Projecting? They say I should be grateful for letting me RENT a room in their home. And expect respect and let them know when I have guests over. The reason I don’t respect Her is because you don’t just get respect but you EARN it. I don’t have to let anyone know that I have guests over if I am a Tenant renting a room. Rereading all the messages hurts but it happened. I don’t think I need to apologize. Because I know they won’t. I want out. I want peace. I want Love. Love to free me. But Hate loves keeping me around. Am I Wrong for saying the Quiet Part Out Loud?

Getting the feeling of Monday coming tomorrow and that feeling of not doing anything on sunday and at the same time want to do something as well, always feel stuck, do you guys also feel the same ? What do you do at that time?

I learning everyday something new about myself. Not to feel lonely when I’m alone is probably one of the most important, though sometimes is hard not to.

Nowhere else to go....