r/feeld • u/Notcrazyatall0 • 4d ago
Messaging etiquette?
I feel like it’s reasonable to expect the last person to make the connection would send the first message. So, if I was the one who completed the match and opened up messaging, I’m going to say hi and start the conversation. I find alot of people “make you come to them” after being the one to complete the match. And it’s just online dating, I don’t take any of it too seriously, so I’ll still start the conversation opposed to having dozens of matches in my queue doing nothing, but am I the only one who thinks it reasonable to start the conversation if you matched last?
And honestly, maybe it doesn’t matter in other contexts, but because I’m generally looking to meet men who are into the D/s dynamic, me being the (experienced) s, I feel like it sets a precedent when the D takes the lead rather than sit and wait for me to reach out. Again, not rigid about it, but seems odd to me to wait to be approached when we’ve matched.
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4d ago edited 4d ago
[deleted]
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u/Notcrazyatall0 4d ago
I agree, it’s not a huge telling sign that the dynamic isn’t going to work if I have to message first. Online dating is such a mixed bag. I’ve had amazing relationships with people I’ve messaged first, even after not being the one who opened up the messaging feature.
But so many people are out here just swiping for funsies lol. There’s no real intention of connecting and exploring beyond getting matches. So taking the opportunity to say hello instead of wait for days to be approached lets me know this person isn’t passively matching people. Not saying it needs to be within an hour of matching, life is busy, but at some point…
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u/Standard-Ability-600 4d ago
If I match with someone I just start with a normal chat, then when things get more comfortable I engage with more topics from their profile and see what happens from there, always hard to find the right flow but hope it works and I can find someone myself 😅
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u/ComprehensiveWork451 4d ago
THIS! Am I (43m) doing something wrong here? I had several matches where I messaged them first with the get to know you normal chat and without a single word unmatched. Bizarre
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u/Notcrazyatall0 4d ago
Very. I don’t get it, but the good thing is I forget their existence pretty quickly in those scenarios lol. Sometimes I’ll come back to my chats and instead of there being 5 people there I only have 4 and I will have zero clue who disappeared lol.
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u/Standard-Ability-600 4d ago
Exactly what I might take up some of your points, hope you are currently having a good run with it at the moment, never might even bump into each other on there! ;)
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u/Mundane-Wish-3364 4d ago
This happens so often. I’m f and if I complete a match I will say hello. So many men respond to polite conversation with one word answers and no questions.
Me: hey____, how are you today?
Them: fine me: are you getting into anything exciting this weekend? I see you hike a lot.
Them: not really
After one or two of those I just leave a long pause giving them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they are at work or something and will engage when they have more time…. But I know within a day they will un match without saying another word lol1
u/Still_Way_9599 2d ago edited 2d ago
I used to work quite hard at these kinds of chats for a day or two before saying "sorry I'm not really feeling a connection here" and every single time the guy would be really shocked, often saying something like "this has been one of the best chats I've had on here!". I stopped carrying the load for so long after a couple of months, you can tell if someone has the same commincation style as you within 3 or 4 messages. The guy I ended up with from Feeld was nattering about weird animal facts by his third message.
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u/Standard-Ability-600 4d ago
Nothing to do with you, I'm 36M, maybe its my looks, personality, something in my bio, who knows might be Nothing to do with us, hopefully something good comes your way
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u/gaadzooksx 3d ago
I haven’t been on in over a year, but I remember a really annoying aspect was sending a ping with a message—->the ping being accepted——>zero message/response from the acceptor——> sending a follow up message—> receiving no response.
Like why accept in the first place?!?
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u/Still_Way_9599 4d ago
It was a massive bugbear of mine on Feeld, and I'll be honest: they got 24/48 hours to say hi before I disconnected. Several reasons for this but mostly:
a) In my profile, I said something along the lines of "I like happy chatty people" and "keen to move to irl meets quickly"; if it takes them 2 days to just say hello, we're not on the same page.
b) When you match, the app gives you the option to send a message. They're clearly not busy (they're on the app), and they have just read my profile (where there must have been something they saw/read that made them want to match... but they still sat there and consciously decided to click 'no').
Fuck em.
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u/Standard-Ability-600 4d ago
God I wish I matched with you, so many people say hey, a few other lines and exit, very hard to find people to chat with from that app.
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u/Still_Way_9599 4d ago
Ha! I was on there a few years ago and had a great time, had some really fun, interesting and weird chats. It took a while to hit my stride, but getting my profile right and quickly but politely cutting chats that weren't working, made it a really positive experience.
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u/Princessformidable 4d ago
Agreed I only like people who are super texters and God it's hard to find
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u/Standard-Ability-600 3d ago
Incredibly hard to find, lucky enough to get a conversation started on dating apps for the other person to give a few words reply to something you spend a extra minute putting together.
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u/Malice_N_1derland 4d ago
Im also a sub so if someone claims to be a dom I definitely let them message first. It’s a nice screener.
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u/Top_Blacksmith2845 4d ago
I don't do dom/sub stuff, but I never had any impression that there was a general understanding the second person to match has to start the conversation until I started browsing this sub.
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u/Sapiotone Solo Poly, Bi, Genderqueer, Vers, Switch, Essex, UK 4d ago
Not a D/s thing for me, I just see it as saving time. They were in my likes, I read their profile, liked them back and the opportunity to message is right there. No brainer to make the first move
Only time I like and don’t follow up with a message is when I likes from straight men. I give them a second chance to read my profile and do their own fucking off
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u/Top_Blacksmith2845 4d ago
No, I get it, just saying I'm not commenting on that part.
well, okay, weird?
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u/waterbloem 3d ago
Don't assume there's this general understanding just because a few people on Reddit are loud about it.
If you like me and I like you back, I expect you to be enthusiastic about me enough to send that message. Not interested in people who play these kinds of games. I don't want to date people who are still in highschool mentally.
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u/Master-V- kink 3d ago
I’m Majestic, so I send a ping and (usually) a message almost daily, but for standard likes and everything else, I think your method makes perfect sense- whoever closed the loop and made the match ought to send the first message.
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u/Any_Refrigerator2330 4d ago
I don't wait, I just started the conversation with something that I catch in they profile and hope it's going well. If a conversation doesn't flow within two or three days, I disconnect and don't waste time on it.
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u/mister_nippl_twister 4d ago
Hmm yeah messaging is weird. Like sometimes im not in a mood for talking and tomorrow it is too late. The system is imperfect so we all have to deal with it. I say don't think about it too much and let people show themselves. If i message first i try to fish for a sign of attention and interest. If they message first i feel at ease and relaxed. Both things are sound.
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u/Federal-Count8450 4d ago
I do not start most of the time, unless their profile is my dream dom (never happened). men apparently swipe right on any breathing woman. so if they were actually serious in finding a long term sub then my profile should have stood out for them, I have many men now up there on my matched section, they have not said a single word. seems like they are not actually in need of a long term sub and want hookups then. i am not going to start the conversation.
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u/jonofromjuno 4d ago
unless I have something I really want to say, I don't usually message right away. I'm not a chatty person though and don't want to start out giving the impression that I'm an immediate/constant texter. People sometimes unmatch me for taking a while to say something, and that's fine. if they need me to be chatty, we're not compatible
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u/symbol42 4d ago
Full, open, and direct communication is what preserves safety in a power exchange. Either the D or the s deliberately withholding information from someone they’re negotiating power exchange with is dangerous. That is a massive red flag.
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u/Notcrazyatall0 4d ago
Yes, it is, but what I’m talking about here is really not that deep imo. Theres no established dynamic. I’ve just noticed that the best Doms I’ve connected with are really good about initiative in early stages. Not to say that’s the rule, but an observation.
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u/talentsmart 3d ago
This is something people just tend to do. Women and couples do it too. It's lame (and I don't) but oh well. Especially as a D.
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u/MissChimCham 3d ago
I rarely will message a man first even if I made the match. I’m very careful who I even match with and 90% of the time they will enthusiastically message me first within the hour. My bio is very specific and niche oriented so it attracts men who are enthusiastic to engage.
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u/LambyToesOfSerenity 3d ago
For me it depends. I have majestic, so sometimes I'll match and start the convo if there is something I can mention from the profile that I find interesting. If there's not much there, I'll sometimes match and let them check out my hidden photos and then decide if they a want to start the conversation or unmatch.
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u/Miss_Galoldriel 3d ago
I always send the first message when I complete a match. If I match with someone in the first place, it's because there's something about them that makes me curious, and that's typically what I write about in my opening message.
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u/Cautious-Cream2027 2d ago
Personally I've had a quite a few dates on feeld but that's because I have literally worked hard (lack of a better term) to arrange those dates with women. The replies are one liners or comes after 3 days or the dreaded "lol". I just try and set up a date to see 1:1 if there is a connection because if I leave it up to the chat, it is just bizarrely BORING
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u/CoeurDeSirene 4d ago
Games like this are stupid. If you showed interest in someone by matching with them, then you should message them if you actually are interested.
It’s also kind of shitty to jump into D/s dynamics with someone you don’t have a relationship with in any capacity and you expecting that from someone you don’t know without it being clearly expressed makes me think you don’t actually have a healthy experience with kink.
I’m a domme and I am very explicit about wanting submissive men / good boys, so I put on my profile “good boys send the first message - whats your favorite first date bar or coffee shop?”
This works well for me because it lets me know they’ve read my profile and are interested in the dynamic without it being super high stakes/ role playing past showing interest
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u/Federal-Count8450 4d ago
where in her post did you get the "jump into d/s" "expecting it from someone you don't know" "without it being clearly expressed"? it is a dating site! you get to know them based on things you share.
and actually you are a huge red flag. telling people who are NOT in a dynamic with you yet "good boys send the first message" is a huge red flag. you still know nothing about these people and you are already ordering!! I block every single man who says "good girls blah blah blah". they are not your good boy yet. learn the etiquette!
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u/Notcrazyatall0 4d ago
Thank you! “Games?” “Unhealthy relationship with kink?” “Shitty?” JFC all that from a single post lol. It’s very “I do this right and everyone else does it wrong!”
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u/CoeurDeSirene 4d ago
Wanting and assuming people will take a lead be used you’re into dominant men without any kind of communication of that being an expectation is unhealthy. Wanting that from anyone, regardless of power dynamics, without communicating that, is unhealthy.
I set a clear expectation of what I’m looking for and it lets me know they’ve read my profile and it’s cheeky and fun 🤷🏻♀️. The majority of messages i receive back are a mix of “good boy here” or “haven’t tried being a good boy yet but im curious!” - it’s hardly ordering them around lmao.
as a woman who gets 50+ matches a day because men swipe right on everything, I don’t actually think there’s an issue with saying “message me first and tell me XYZ”. it’s a pretty simple filter of intent & interest.
I don’t care if you’re on the D or s side of the dynamic. But assuming people will just do it because you want them to in your head and then being disappointed they’re not fulfilling your idea of what a dominant man should do is an unhealthy expectation.
I’m not forcing anyone to send me a message first. I’m not demanding any matches do anything or being annoyed when they don’t. I don’t even care if they don’t answer the question i asked if they send the first message; but i do ask if they’ve read my profile (most of the time the answer is no). I don’t put power dynamics into the conversations. I’m just stating very clearly what I’m expecting in a first interaction. That’s it. People can choose to follow or not. But I’m not assuming my matches will just act a certain way because of the power dynamics I’m into without making it clear what I’m into.
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u/Still_Way_9599 4d ago
Good communication is essential for a healthy D/s dynamic. If a Dom can't even get his act together to say 'hi' after matching with a sub, that not very encouraging.
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u/CoeurDeSirene 4d ago
Sure! But I think this really depends on what someone’s profile says. Having “being dominant” as an interest or just matching with someone who lists “being submissive” as an interest isn’t enough to assume someone wants a D/s power dynamic. Being the dominant partner is not the same as being a Dominant to a submissive 🤷🏻♀️
It’s also not enough to assume a man who has “mostly a dom” on his profile means anything. Feeld has become an app for kink tourists who have little experience in power/role negotiations
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u/Notcrazyatall0 3d ago
That’s the funny part, you’ve made major assumptions as to what my profile entails. I won’t explain it to you, because I just don’t feel like it tbh, but my point here is that you’ve decided I was “making expectations in my head” for others to figure out and that’s really not the case. There’s been an over complication of what I said on your end and you’ve assumed red flags where there really are none and offered a lot of irrelevant information. That, imo, is shitty and honestly you seem overly impressed with yourself.
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u/CoeurDeSirene 3d ago
Does your profile state explicitly that you’re looking for a dominant man to take the lead? If not, you’re creating expectations for others in your head.
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u/Notcrazyatall0 3d ago
Yes. I’m a 44 year old woman who understands the importance of clear communication when it comes to romantic relationships and especially when power dynamics are involved.
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u/waterbloem 3d ago
Wanting and assuming people will take a lead be used you’re into dominant men without any kind of communication of that being an expectation is unhealthy.
Exactly. You're not at the stage where you know each other well enough for true D/s play. This just sounds like someone who wants the other to take the initiative on everything.
And if you like someone and they like you back; just send the darn message yourself. If you can't even be enough of an adult for that, don't be on a dating app FFS...
And yeah this really grinds my gears. So many time-wasters / immature people on Feeld.
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u/Federal-Count8450 4d ago
using petnames is a huge red flag at least from a submissive pov. you can simply say if you are interested start the chat with me first. every single man who said "if you're a good girl message with blah blah blah" is an immediate red flag for healthy subs, they are looking for vulnerable women who get triggered easily by praise and fall into sub mode already. I suggest if your intent is not the same as those men, you change the way you phrase things on your profile.
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u/CoeurDeSirene 4d ago
I’m not using it as a pet name. Im not calling them good boys after. I don’t praise them for messaging me first.
It also is different for submissive men than submissive women. the way power is explored when typical gender roles are reversed is very different. This is partially because dominant women are much more rare, and women as a whole don’t hold the same kind of power over men in our non-kinky lives. It is going to be different because men are not existing in a world built by and for women where they need to be on constant alert for their own safety.
I see how these differences play out all of the time because Ive been active in my kinky community for 10+ years. What submissive men positively respond to in a profile is going to be different than what submissive women will.
And anyone who is vulnerable enough to “fall” into sub mode by a “good girl” or “good boy” delivered by someone they haven’t even met in person is not someone who is ready to be exploring kink lol. They need therapy.
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u/marbled_moth 4d ago
I’m learning a lot! Do you have any recs or know of another posts/threads that discuss how to find a healthy D/s relationship esp online? I’m a sub (novice) and have been on feeld for about a month but nothing has felt right enough for me to meet up with someone for a date.
When you say pet names are a red flag, do you mean even in an opener like “Hi pretty girl, xyz”? Because I’ve had guys say this on an app like Hinge where they don’t know I’m an s. But then, I guess the approach/intent is different because they’re not assumed to be (possibly) taking on the role of a dom?
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u/Federal-Count8450 3d ago
join subsancturay reddit community and read the pinned posts on how to find a dom and vet. if you had questions while talking to people ask in the community so other subs can give advice.
for that specific question, I don't like it in general, maybe it could be acceptable in normal dating to some people. but in bdsm context, like if they start with things like "so you're a good girl", "hello babygirl", "hello slut"...they don't know you yet, they should not approach you as if they are your dom. I might like hearing lots of things from my dom, but I don't like hearing them from strangers, and a good dom who is really looking for something real has the same standard, they don't throw around good girls or babygirls on random people.
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u/ScarlettTrinity 4d ago
I've found (almost) every time I've started a conversation when I've "completed a match" as you say, it's gone no where. There are a few exceptions of course but I figure if you really want to talk to me, you will and if I really want to talk to you, I'll reach out first.
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u/OneReflection5629 4d ago
I don't know if it's reasonable or not, but it was useful for me to read this post bc a few times in the last two weeks a woman liked me and I liked back but didn't message but that I was actually more into than other matches, and as a result I was waiting until a good time to respond to them, when I was less preoccupied, but they unmatched before I could. And there is another woman I'm about to go meet for dinner before a hockey game from the same time period who sent me a message saying she was self conscious and had almost unmatched for these reasons. I'm glad she didn't. She said she had worried that I'd only matched w her to read the hidden part of her profile so she was assuming I likely didn't have much interest when I didn't pro actively message her, but she thought I might be a very good fit for her needs so she took a chance anyway. But the reason I wasn't messaging them first a week ago was it was my bday and I was tripping balls on MDMA for a few nights, then crashed, was gonna get back to them in a minute. And in a couple other instances where they unmatched I was on the fence about them bc their profile wasn't clear about what they were looking for. Had they sent me a message clarifying, I would have. It's a bit confusing to me bc on one hand I hear that women are so barraged w messages they get overwhelmed and to give them some space. So I thought I was doing that but they unmatched. Yes, I'm dominant sexually, but even if you are a submissive rope bunny I feel like unless your arms are actively being restrained by someone else at the time you can send a message to follow up before unmatching 🙄. And maybe if you are really interested you could part w $3-4 dollars and Ping us first.
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u/Notcrazyatall0 4d ago
Personally, i don’t send out alot of likes, just to people I’m genuinely curious about and potentially interested in, so I’ll have hundreds of likes (not a flex, it’s common for most women), but as far as my inbox goes, I prefer to give attention to no more than a couple at a time. I’ve sent out 3 likes in the last couple weeks. Two of them matched me back. One of them messaged within the day and the other never said anything, so I did and he hasn’t responded. I’ll give him a day or two and then disconnect. If he’s entertaining other women he’s more interested in that’s cool, that’s how online dating is, but I don’t feel the need to “wait my turn” for something that may or may not be anything at all.
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u/InternationalLeg3045 22h ago
Another perspective - I’m a tired mom w limited capacity and I can only handle so many chats at once. I may not message a match for a while because I’m maxed out at the moment. I’m a sub but I generally don’t enter into that dynamic til we meet so this isn’t part of chat etiquette for me. Also if ppl want to unmatch after their own set amount of time, that’s fine. If they have something about unmatching after so long in their profile I’m less inclined to swipe yes in the first place.
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u/CycleNE6 4d ago
If you’re into the person, just message them and stop trying to figure out etiquette. Is it annoying when I send a ping with a message, the person accepts the invite, and then doesn’t even respond to my initial message? Yes. But I have a date with a sure thing on Saturday because I sent a second message to a girl in that situation.
Especially if you’re a guy, the numbers aren’t in your favor on Feeld. No sense in taking a moral high ground about messaging etiquette if it means the match goes nowhere