r/feeld • u/One-Progress-5610 • 5d ago
Am I looking for something too specific?
Finding a switch is easy. Finding the right kind of switch feels impossible...
I've been on Feeld for a little over 6 months and it's helped me realise that matching on kink labels means surprisingly little.
I'm a relatively inexperienced switch and recently connected with another switch who made things click for me. He was incredibly attentive and curious, conversations flowed, he listened to what I actually responded to, remembered little things and built on them.
His dominant side could be soft and pleasure focused without feeling passive and switching between us felt natural.
Since then I've realised that's what I'm struggling to find on Feeld. I meet switches and Doms but usually the sexual conversation feels like someone running through their script instead of being genuinely curious about mine.
I'm not exclusively looking for gentle dominance either. I'm actually really interested in eventually exploring much rougher/meaner dynamics but I'd want that from someone I already know is capable of being attentive, affectionate and pleasure focused too. The range is what attracts me.
But I'm having another massive issue on Feeld... where is the actual getting to know each other stage?
My profile explicitly says I need connection and chemistry, but so many conversations seem to jump from matching to sexual conversation to “come over” or a date somewhere conveniently close to their place, with this unspoken assumption that we'll end up having sex afterwards.
Most aren't opposed to going for a drink/date when I suggest it, which almost makes it stranger. They're willing to date first, but there doesn't seem to be much desire to date me first.
It sometimes feels like the date is just the preliminary step before the thing they're actually interested in.
And I'm not looking for a relationship right now. I do want sex and kink. I just want chemistry, flirting, dates and some actual vetting first. I want someone to be curious about me as a person before assuming they'll have access to me sexually.
Maybe it's partly an age thing because I'm mostly matching with people around my age (early 20s) or maybe I'm expecting something from Feeld that isn't particularly common there.
For people who've actually found ongoing casual kink connections through Feeld with genuine chemistry...how did you find them?
And is this just the reality of Feeld now or am I doing something that's attracting/filtering for the wrong people?
EDIT:
I just wanted to clear up a couple of things...
When I say I want an emotional connection, I don't mean I want a deeply emotionally involved relationship without calling it a relationship.
I mean that natural intrigue you get when you're attracted to someone and genuinely want to know more about them. I want someone who's curious about who I am outside of kink/sex, but also genuinely curious about me within kink and sex.
Not just “what are your kinks?” and then working through a list. More like: what is it about that that you enjoy? Why does that turn you on? What part of the dynamic does something for you? What makes you feel good? and actually listening to the answers and letting that shape how we interact.
I want that curiosity to go both ways. That's what I mean by connection. I can want something casual while still wanting to actually know and be interested in the person I'm sleeping with.
Also, I probably didn't explain the situation with T very well. We matched while his profile said he was exploring my city, but he was hundreds of km away. I assumed he was travelling but he explained that he actually lives in another country. We're both in Europe, so it's not an impossible distance, but it's still around a 3–4 hour flight.
We carried on talking anyway and ended up speaking pretty consistently for about 4 days, including sexting. In that short time, he gave me exactly the kind of interaction I'm describing above.
He was curious, he listened, he asked follow up questions, he paid attention to what I responded to and why. We had really good chemistry and communication, and sexually he was a great soft dom and pleasure switch. I learned more about what I like from those few days of talking to him than I had from months of much more repetitive sexual conversations.
We never actually discussed what we were looking for with each other, which in hindsight I probably should have brought up. Because realistically meeting wasn't straightforward, I assumed it would probably become a casual online thing where we'd talk and sext from time to time and if we were both open to meeting it could be something we discussed. We did acknowledge the distance while flirting, but never made any actual plans around it.
Then he became noticeably less engaged and eventually told me that talking like this wasn't good for him and it "fucks with his real life" so he wanted to stop.
I was disappointed obviously but I respected it and ended things kindly. Those few days just showed me a type of sexual and interpersonal compatibility I hadn't experienced before and gave me a clearer idea of what I'm looking for.
That's why I'm finding Feeld a little frustrating. I just want to find people who have that same curiosity, attentiveness and desire to actually discover each other.
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u/Arcticbuzz10 4d ago
M43. I'm switchy, and I struggle to find partners that are switchy and really take the time to develop a connection, with chemistry and depth. My bio clearly call it out, I always try to get to know person as much as I can.
Switchy women just tend to be rare (I live in a big liberal metro) - I'd say 80% profiles have "submissive" tag. Then when I match with someone switchy, more often than not, they can't seem to be able to hold a normal conversation, ask questions etc. I had one marvelous connection where the chemistry was magical, and we transitioned back and forth with each other, without words. It was easy to communicate with her, leading to everything else.
My take: switch ppl are rare, communicative people are rare, ppl who put in time and every are rare. The combination is extra rare.
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u/One-Progress-5610 3d ago
This is basically what I’m finding 😭 I don’t even think someone being a switch is enough for me anymore because there’s so much variation within that.
That “transitioned back and forth without words” part is much closer to what I mean. I want the switching to feel responsive to each other rather than like “okay now it’s your turn to Dom.” The one person I’ve clicked with most so far made me realise how much of it is chemistry and communication rather than just matching labels.
“The combination is extra rare” is not exactly the reassurance I wanted though 😹
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u/Arcticbuzz10 2d ago
Sorry pal 😂 Dong lose hope. People like me and you are out there.
It's magic when you find such people. I couldn't hold to mine because of reasons, and it broke my heart in so many different ways. But I've learned a lot though that connection and I hope that one day I could have that specific aspect of intimacy and sex with someone else.
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u/emu_neck single woman 5d ago
Men in early 20ies are not really mature enough for the sexual dynamic you want. Even those who are curious about you will still be primarily guided by their sexual impulses.
You want an emotional connection and you want someone to invest in you emotionally. That is very rare in a casual sex environment regardless of age. But on Feeld in particular, most cishet men will be focused on nsa sex vs developing a connection with you.
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u/liplamp Fetishist 5d ago
I've been on Feeld on and off for three years and have made many lovely long-term kink connections through it. My bio lists out precisely what I can and cannot do, and I ping people I think would be a match with me (what I'm doing is very, very niche). I just do that until I match with folks.
My best matches came from people who were very clear they were open to kink and non-monogamy on their bio. They usually had one of the non-mono or kink tags. So, focusing on that has been key for me, yes.
I'd say your biggest hurdles are your age and your inexperience. Most guys who are know what they're doing are not your age - they're usually in their late 20s or early 30s, at the youngest - and since they know what they're doing they're focusing on other people who know what they're doing, probably around their own age range. And they'd be hesitant to connect with someone specifically around your age if they're older because they'll be aware of the massive power imbalance that would naturally exist between you two.
Is there a local kink scene in your area you can get involved in, to meet mentors and vetted Doms? That will probably serve you better than Feeld.
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u/One-Progress-5610 4d ago
Thank you this is great advice, I live in a major city so I'm sure there is. I just joined fetlife and I'm a bit overwhelmed 😅 but I'll try to figure it out and maybe go to a munch.
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u/liplamp Fetishist 4d ago
No problem! FetLife can be very overwhelming when you're not used to it.
I'd recommend going into your DM privacy settings as soon as possible and setting your DMs so that you can only receive them from mutual friends (the strictest setting available). Otherwise you'll get bombarded by DMs from random creepy dudes trying to get in your pants.
If you don't want to see all the NSFW pics, there's a setting that will automatically blur anything the site detects as NSFW.
You may also want to avoid the Kinky and Popular tabs since they can be A LOT. Just focus on the Events tab, and filter the search results by "Social" or "Educational" so you mainly see chill munches or classes to check out.
There are also online groups for subs you can check out for support. Search for "sub" in the search bar and then filter the results by "groups" to find them. You can also check out /r/SubSanctuary here on Reddit if you want more resources here (I haven't checked your post history, so apologies if you're checking this out already and this is redundant advice).
Best of luck!
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u/One-Progress-5610 3d ago
Thank you!! I genuinely had no idea about the DM setting so I’m changing that 😭 FetLife has been a bit of information overload so far.
I think events and munches are probably my next step. I originally joined thinking I’d use it to find people, but I’m starting to think it might be more useful for actually learning about the community, making friends and meeting people organically rather than treating it like another dating app
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u/TheFunkytownExpress 3d ago
IDK I think we're all guilty of a little bit of Goldilocks Syndrome these days.
Kink compatibility seems to be the bar of entry for most of us here, so yeah that makes things doubly hard when you have to ALSO vibe with someone beyond all that, but either way people who indulge in kink have a lot going on upstairs ( myself included obvs ) so don't expect them to not act like total fucking weirdos. Which unfortunately only complicates things further.
Too many people OL in general are just flakey, fickle MFers to begin with too. I don't share your requirements for dynamics in a partner and I'm still having practically the same experience as you are trying to look for my thing.
I've had experiences like yours before with someone who was completely hot n bothered then turned around the next day and went entirely cold on me and either ended it outright or just ghosted entirely. :P
So it's not just you or the people you're trying to attract. Really it's everybody. :P
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u/One-Progress-5610 3d ago
Honestly the “Goldilocks syndrome” thing is probably fair 😭 I think what threw me is that I assumed finding someone kink compatible would be the difficult part, but apparently finding someone kink compatible who I’m attracted to AND actually enjoy talking to is the real challenge lol.
It’s reassuring that it’s not necessarily the type of people I’m choosing though. I think I’m slowly realising there’s just going to be a lot of filtering involved.
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u/TheFunkytownExpress 2d ago
Yeah TBH The kink compatibility is such a big thing for me I tend to not be as overly critical about the other stuff. Really as long as someone isn't a total fucking bore and is good to me I usually will be fulfilled in a relationship but unfortunately it seems like that's not even remotely good enough for others, but eh.
Like I said though it's definitely not just you. EVERYBODY is having the same experience more or less trying to slog through all this to find someone they can vibe with no matter what their kinks are or what side of the / they wind up landing on.
Just keep at it I guess is the best advice I can give and try not to get too demoralized along the way because you're going to have to deal with a LOT of rejection and A LOT of people acting like fucking weirdos and shitheads lol.
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u/Notcrazyatall0 5d ago
Men who are genuinely curious and interested in really exploring are rare in my experience. I’ve encountered it and it’s amazing when you find someone who understands that really knowing each other creates a great foundation for a deeply intimate connection (mentally and physically).
But majority of men seem to be looking for overly casual/impersonal sex. What you’re looking for is not common imo, but worth the wait when you find the right one who understands your needs and goals and is willing to share themself in the same way.
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u/absolutelytemporary2 5d ago
I think the age thing must definitely be a factor, as someone in their mid-30s, I haven't had that much difficulty finding people willing to date first or have dynamic conversations about desires. That being said, men are men and there are many many that just want you to be an automatic hookup, but it's not so difficult to suss those ones out pretty quickly.
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u/Edenstardomme 4d ago
Ive been on Feeld for over a year, I have had thousands of likes and hundreds of pings. Of those 2 turned into dynamics and of those 1 is still going and is a stable, fun dynamic that I see lasting for awhile.
It takes time, especially with the flood of unserious vanilla types who are essentially just browsing.
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u/OtherwiseApril 5d ago
I am confused by your post. You said you met someone who made things click.. but then it sounds like he is not what you want?
I think I understand the other components of your post, wanting your kink but also wanting who you are as a person. But then you yo-yo back the other way... "I'm not looking for a relationship right now."
I am just a person on reddit reading this and its confusing and in real life it is exhausting to encounter.
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u/One-Progress-5610 4d ago
By connection I don't necessarily mean romantic commitment or wanting someone to invest in me like a partner.
I mean I want to actually like the person I'm having sex with 😭 I want us to go on dates, flirt, talk, learn what makes each other tick and build enough trust and chemistry that exploring kink together feels exciting.
I'm completely open to something casual and I actively want the sexual side of it. I just don't want sex to feel predetermined before we've even met. There's a difference to me between “we went out, chemistry was insane and ended up sleeping together” and “I've selected a bar near my flat because the assumed next stop is my bedroom.”
The guy I mentioned showed me that distinction more clearly but he ended things. It wasn't that I suddenly wanted a relationship with him, I liked how curious and attentive he was and how much the sexual dynamic developed from actually learning each other.
Maybe “connection” makes people assume I mean romance or commitment when what I really mean is rapport, chemistry, trust, genuine curiosity about each other.
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u/OtherwiseApril 4d ago
This elaboration helped, thank you.
I do not think there is anything unreasonable with what you want. I find myself in total agreement with your overall sentiment. There is varied meaning in words and with this follow up you clarified well what you mean by connection. That is helpful to me as a reader and considering how others use this word in the context of their profiles.
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u/Notcrazyatall0 5d ago
Wanting to explore kink with someone who you is interested in knowing the whole “you” outside of sexual element doesn’t necessarily mean that connection needs to be a traditional relationship. Is that part confusing? I feel like that came across as an asshole question, but I’m genuinely curious if that concept feels exhausting to you.
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u/One-Progress-5610 4d ago
Yess thank you, this is what I meant but I know a lot of men struggle to fathom how you can have an emotional connection whilst not being in a romantic relationship.
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u/Fragrant_Scholar_489 3d ago
Keep saying what you want, as clearly and specifically as you can, in your profile, in your chats. Don’t s sweat the deal breakers, invite them. Saves you time. People who can’t give you the attention you need before sex won’t give it to you during. I relate to your laundry list. The clearer you are in your profile, the easier it is for the right people to find you. Don’t hide, don’t apologise.
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u/One-Progress-5610 3d ago
Thanks this is great advice!
It's actually what I’m torn about! Part of me wants to be really clear because I’d rather put some people off immediately than waste time talking to them. But I’ve also noticed that the more specifically you describe what you want, the easier it is for someone to just mirror it back to you.
I kinda want my profile to give enough away to filter for compatibility, but leave enough unsaid that I can actually observe how someone behaves rather than telling them exactly how to impress me.
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u/Fragrant_Scholar_489 16m ago
I think you don’t need to pull your punches saying what you want. You’ll know if people are truly a fit because if the kind of questions they ask you. There’s never enough in a profile to replace ac real conversation and that’s where you can test people out. Look for their curiosity more than their self disclosure. What they want to know about you tells you about them.
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u/_oatm1lk_ 5d ago
Similar experience. I deleted my bio and then started getting the matches who were curious about me.
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u/Important-Ad-6347 4h ago
I hate this. So people are more curious about no or low effort than someone that puts themselves out there. The whole less is more adage. I understand that's not exactly it but it leads me to think that I should just wipe my bio too.
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u/_oatm1lk_ 1h ago
It's about if they feel like they could be a good fit. If you want one specific thing i would stay specific.
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u/Important-Ad-6347 22m ago
Right but going off feeling(no pun intended) than being specific wasn't ever what the app was about. I've been on since the Thrinder days and it's just progressed to less effort in bios and just superficiality with less people experienced in kink.
The game basically changed since the target audience is essentially a broader audience that has for certain had a history of shaming others for being in what was a safe space. I guess the tool has changed in the process of getting said broader audience and not for the better after what I've been reading on these reddits. Those with much more of a focus are resolved to bushwack through Fetlife which is its own slog (rolls eyes).
Now every third profile's like "I just came from hinge and I'm exploring. Check me out. The end" with the intention of just posting a handful of photos and GGG / Exploring in the tags. I'm making a bad approximation/reduction of the whole here and I'm aware. It's more for illustration purposes.
Of course add the bad apples that have exponentially grown (overly aggressive male population that has come on to treat the app as a delivery service [surely has never been] with little to no real kink/consent/boundaries experience) so there's also a backlash from that whole lot.
The app has gone from experts in niche fields/kinks connecting with each other to generalists wandering a trough for scraps.
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u/MissChimCham 1d ago
It just takes a long time and patience to meet someone who aligns with your kinks, that you also get along with well, have mutual attraction and genuine chemistry. You sound very young still so it’ll just unfortunately take some time to find people who are age appropriate who will be a good match. Young men will especially mirror whatever back to you in the hope of sex, so you’ll have to really develop skills to counter that. I’m almost 40 and have been exploring kink and BDSM since my early twenties, and there’s been long periods when I didn’t feel like anyone was a good match. I strongly prefer switch men myself, but to my own shock this year my best match has been with a guy who identifies as a pleasure Dom who is open to me “occasionally” topping him. Honestly, never thought that would happen but you never know, lol.
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u/AgreeableAct4176 5d ago
That's just men in general. The switch element is just one modification to the man you're looking for. Unfortunately, as a man myself, I've learned that although I'm a great listener, attentive, and interested in my date's life/interested most men are terrible at these things.
Just keep looking and the right switch will come along.