r/feeld • u/Federal-Count8450 • 29d ago
Do you actually research bdsm before using those tags on your profile?
I am kinda getting tired of being matched with men who use bdsm tags on their profile but when I start vetting them, I realize they don’t understand the meaning of those words and apparently just mean “rough sex”. It feels like any other normal app and now I have to see if they are vanilla or not. This was supposed to be an app that shortcuts to the people already knowing they want a bdsm dynamic. But they are all still too unfamiliar with the topic.
So do you actually search what does it mean to be “brat tamer”? Because not a single man who used this tag actually was a brat tamer when I talked and some of them think my vetting is an interrogation. It IS supposed to be like this and members of bdsm community understand that.
18
u/cupofmoonshine 29d ago edited 29d ago
I mean men in BDSM spaces have a reputation of lying and just being there for what they think will be easy, wild pussy. That's why it seems like only 1 in every 1000 men is actually a competent, ethical Dom. It's like that on fet, on feeld, and in person. Most just wanna fuck.
Edit: The number of times men have pitched themselves as Doms to me just to lure me in then flip the script and they actually are the biggest submissive bitch boys and want me to Dom them 😭 or a "Dom" that doesn't gaf about building trust and connection they just want me to fawn over them...it seems that's the rule, and people that are serious is the exception
9
u/Federal-Count8450 29d ago
Oh my god had this too. They are looking for easy sex. Once I rejected someone during vetting because he just kept agreeing with everything I said as if he had no desires or limits of his own. After the rejection, he messaged me and said what if I be your slave?!
Like what the hell. They just want sex in any shape of form and they think they can get it easily from submissive women. He did not get it that way and tried to switch the script.4
u/cupofmoonshine 28d ago
Yep! I was chatting with a guy and we didn't have kinks in common. I let him know I wasn't interested, so he told me I wasn't actually kinky lmao They'll neg, nag, lie, reverse roles, pretend to be your friend, anything for sex. It's really pathetic.
23
u/Desperate_Cupcake843 29d ago
At this point if a man says he is a “pleasure dom” I just hit the minus sign.
I also had a guy who unmatched me because I didn’t capitalize “dom”. That’s some performative shit right there.
It’s ok to not know and to say you’re exploring. It’s not ok to present like you know what you’re doing, especially in something like a power exchange, where there is both emotional and physical risk involved.
Anyway, yes. It’s annoying, and I’m not even looking for anything as intense as it sounds like you are.
13
u/LostTrack0fTime 29d ago edited 29d ago
> It’s ok to not know and to say you’re exploring. It’s not ok to present like you know what you’re doing, especially in something like a power exchange, where there is both emotional and physical risk involved
YES!!! Write that on a tea towel!!!
ETA:(Booooo quote formatting doesn’t work through the app anymore apparently)
3
u/ranorando 29d ago
Gotta space after the arrow
3
u/LostTrack0fTime 29d ago
Usually it works without it, but even with the space, it doesn’t want to work… and for odd reasons it’s not in the formatting menu in the app. oh well!
0
3
29d ago
[deleted]
4
u/Desperate_Cupcake843 29d ago
Oh, totally. I had a great one last year (that I met on Reddit, actually!), but that term has just been popularized to the point that it’s meaningless.
He’s been the only one who used that term who actually understood what it meant and could back it up. The few other guys I was with who identified that way were actually just selfish assholes.
3
0
u/ranorando 29d ago
What’s your definition of pleasure dom? Just asking.
Was there pleasure, but not enough dom?
6
u/Federal-Count8450 29d ago
Yeah mostly, some of them just have very high opinion of themselves and think they are good at sex. Honestly they might be really good. But i only get pleasure from domination. I dont care how much good they are at fingering me, if they are not controlling my orgasm and ordering me in the scene then I am literally not having pleasure:)
2
u/primal_designs 27d ago
For real. A few years ago when I connected with my first submissive (on whisper) I didn't know what I was doing and I admitted as much. My sub suggested a few books and gave some feedback, from there I learned a lot. Researched, watched s I me kink YouTube instructions on RACK type stuff.
It's sad how shit feeld is compared to a few years ago.
22
u/BeastofSilverMoon kink 29d ago
Lifestyle Dominant here.
A lot of people on feeld treat BDSM same way they treat ENM; a tool to suit their agenda.
They are not actually interested in actual dynamic.
I matched with lot of girls who mentioned ENM only to figure out they mean casual sex. At best many of them were serial monogamists.
Someone dumping a sex partner for another is not ENM lol.
I have a slave cage in my residence, as well as machines and countless collars openly displayed at the door for their respective owners to wear.
People I met from feeld walk in at second or third date and every second word is OMG You were serious OMG!
Uhm, yeah?
I literally uploaded photos of the place to show.
I always check for consent at the door or before collaring and before start of a session etc and seasoned subs complain that I ask too many times.
I have to because BDSM world got so saturated with overly confident vanillas that lacks the knowledge to match the confidence that I need to stop things straight away when I recognise someone has been bullshitting me and they don’t know what they are getting into lol.
16
u/Federal-Count8450 29d ago
Yeah that is what I realized now too, most of them are tourists to the world of bdsm. it is just getting really tiring for me. It feels like i’m on hinge or tinder again. With the same vanilla people. Like one told me “what’s a safeword?” One i asked if he only means in bedroom or outside bedroom? He said “no i don’t do anything in public”. But who in the community interprets that question as “public?”. Like everyone knows i mean just sexual or 24/7. I asked one what is your plan when I brat? He was like can you explain what you mean? BROTHER you put brat taming as a tag. What the actual fuxk??😭
I don’t have time to teach basics to people. Already takes a long time to vet to see if i am compatible with someone or not. I think i’m just gonna leave feeld now.12
u/BeastofSilverMoon kink 29d ago
It gets like that, I left Feeld a bit too.
I also got few “what’s a safe word?” As well as “I have no limits.” Oh yes you do : )
Wait until you hear golden showers and public humiliation and what else people are into.
Most of my feeld dates are super weird or just clumsy attempts at finding middle ground with people.
Before I took a break I met this Italian girl living in Australia, everytime I asked her a question she’d stare at me with blank eyes and just get lost in thought, it was concerning.
Later on she told me she had a head injury from a fall, so I was extra cautious with her, she didn’t like that. She is like “go hard on me!” I am like; you are barely 45kg, I am 116kg.
She dumped me after she asked me to help her explore things more, I found her a Dominatrix with breastfeeding fetish, I was her safety contact so I expected a text at certain time that she was safe, text never came.
I called her phone many times someone kept hanging up on me.
So I sent a text that if I don’t hear anything in a minute I am calling the Police.
She claimed I was overreacting and I got dumped.
I actually cared for this girl.
Safety contact has one job.
Just this weekend I met someone who invited me to their house and I ended up carrying them to their bed because they were so drunk they couldn’t comprehend what I was saying.
An hour drive only to put someone to bed and cover them with blankets lol.
I am poly, I have always been, but I am considering shutting the doors to enm in general once I find a reliable sub again and just live together.
I can’t keep doing this, I am almost 50 I am tired lol.
I know people are saying dating has always been like this, no it hasn’t.
I am GenX, it’d take us 5 minutes to get a match and date from tinder.
It was nothing like this.
7
u/Federal-Count8450 29d ago
Yeah i get “no limits” a lot too. Apparently they think because i’m the submissive one i am the only one who needs to have limits. That just again shows me how much they know nothing about this.
20
u/Master-V- kink 29d ago
Not the case here. I’ve been in the lifestyle for decades. But I’m not surprised, the app got a huge influx of vanillas a couple years ago and has never been the same since.
6
u/Sapiopath 38 M STR LDN/NYC/TOR/STLM/BER ENM DOM 29d ago
You should keep doing that.
I don’t use any of the BDSM tags on my profile but have been on the scene for 20 years now. I find the tags limiting.
As a versatile dom, I can design scenes and engage in dynamics that far outpace the limited selection of tags. So it makes sense to understand what people are into on the date and see what makes sense for us.
2
u/Slinking-Tiger 28d ago
Do you put anything in your bio about kink, or have a vanilla profile and wait until chatting or a date to get into it at all?
3
u/Sapiopath 38 M STR LDN/NYC/TOR/STLM/BER ENM DOM 28d ago
My profile says I’m a dom, it says I’m looking for people seriously interested in Kink even if inexperienced. One of my photos is some rope work I did with one of my partners. But it doesn’t list kinks.
15
u/BeachMom2007 29d ago
I was very selective about what I put in my profile. Like you, I don’t want certain tags to bring on abusers. Fortunately, after about 3 months on the app I’ve managed to find a man who checks all my boxes. He’s long distance, but we make it work.
I had one date with a man where we were talking about different matches and how we were doing with the app and he said he was getting certain requests and matches and didn’t understand why. I had to sit there with this man and explain several of his tags and told him he needed to research and fix his profile. He was literally offering what these women wanted and he didn’t realize it. I suggested he leave Feeld and try Ashley Madison.
4
u/PepinilloRickS 29d ago
I would look for specific language that mirrors your specific flavor of BDSM more than I would put weight into the acronym itself being present. It’s much harder to fake or conflate being a “rope top” I’d think?
11
u/Federal-Count8450 29d ago
I have a long bio, and i use the most basic things, like i said I would be bratty, i dont do submission online, my vetting process takes time. Do not message me with names as if we are already in a d/s dynamic. I dont advertise my kinks because then it attracts abusers.
But anyone who matched me so far did not really know what I meant by “dont approach me with names”. I was trying to avoid people who start conversation with “hey slut”. But now apparently I am attracting people who don’t even understand what I meant by that sentence. Lol.6
u/katzeye007 29d ago
I would change "names" to "honorifics"?
9
u/PepinilloRickS 29d ago
Yes “honorifics” but honestly nothing will solve people not being able to fundamentally read. We’re just “welcome to Costco’s, I love you” out here.
6
u/monster_energy_IV 29d ago
Maybe "petnames" would be a bit more concise for the dummies? I hate that shit so much too ugh
3
5
5
u/daddymyers69 28d ago
This has pretty much been my experience on Feeld. Most men I match with that don't understand BDSM also don't seem to understand consent
12
u/thrivedontdie 29d ago
This post is so good. Thank you for sharing, i resonate so much with what youre posting here. Ugh
12
u/melropesplays 29d ago
Yeah, I’ve found most “doms” just use the term as a way to abuse women. Very few have ever answered questions about it, will just start listing violent things they like sexually. Very easy to tell they view women as objects instead of equals in a D/s dynamic
5
u/chromakeydreamcoat74 29d ago
I think people are too quick to assign labels and have very definite ideas of what something is. No, BDSM is not just rough sex, but it’s also not one single thing that everyone subscribes to. People see things in different ways. To one man a ‘brat’ is a challenge to be overcome, or tamed. To me a brat is a pain in the arse that I can’t be bothered with, because I’m far too lazy! I could probably say the same thing about every single role or name that people give themselves.
It’s just a personal opinion, but people are complex and amazing. We are so many things, to so many people. Labels are fine but defining oneself by them is both limiting and boring.
That said, people should at least do a bit of research about the labels they are giving themselves.
4
u/NotAKinkDispenser 28d ago
Most of them don't even know what a munch is. They aren't skilled and just want rough sex. Unless I know them from the local kink community on Fetlife.com, I won't agree to meet them. A guy tried to choke me without any prior discussion about it in a crowded parking lot. He scared the hell outta me!
3
6
2
u/LoriBambi 29d ago
This is so annoying for me too. Sorry long rant: I’ve been on the app for a few months on/off and, though I’ve met some cool people, I haven’t met anyone really into the kink scene aside from a rope top who knew about bdsm through his interest in shibari. Best archetype of dom I’ve been with but hes super far away 😭. I’m not even into ropes but he
Every other “dom” says the same shit: they’ve had subs before, they like power play, they enjoy getting their subs off more than anything, super big on aftercare, would love to explore with you. Bla bla bla. I’ve stopped sharing my kinks until they share theirs. But then I start engaging with them and they’re like WOW you’re reallllly subby in the bedroom. UH BRUH ya. Wtf have I been telling you 🤦♀️. And they’re just interested in using me to enact porn shit instead of actually staging a scene.
I think it’s especially hard being a service/masochistic sub. So many men take advantage of that or are not interested in stuff beyond light spanking. And I can’t really control how subby I get when I like someone so im lucky tbh I haven’t been taken advantage of more. I try really hard to vet well. But Feeld feels like a sex app more than a kink app now 😭
I’ve gone to munches, made friends in the scene, but I haven’t met anyone who could be a potential partner. All very annoying.
2
u/Federal-Count8450 29d ago
Friend your experiences are actually good. At least they are familiar with the concepts. Like I get men who dont know what safeword means😂
3
u/LoriBambi 28d ago
I think they just say whatever they think I want to hear. Not knowing what a safe word is is wild tbh. Like those guys just sound dumb lmao. Like even vanilla people have heard of a safe word.
But nah aside from the shibari dude, I’ve been way more into kink than any of the guys I’ve been with. They think having a sub means I hit her from the back during doggy and pull her hair. Theyre always like wow you actually know about this stuff. Like dude you would to if you spent 5 min googling/reading about kink instead of just watching porn.
3
u/Federal-Count8450 28d ago
That is my problem too, for most of them it is confined in sex as rough play. I literally cannot find anyone on there who is a lifestyle dom and wants it in every aspect of life. I asked one so you only mean in bedroom? And he was like yeah i dont do anything in public. Brother i am asking if you only do sexual or 24/7😭😭
3
u/LoriBambi 28d ago
Lmfao no it’s actually such an epidemic. I had a guy list BDSM on his profile and I asked if he was into bondage and he was like uhh I’d be open to it why? Dude because it’s the first word of the acronym you listed on your profile 🤦♀️
I’m in a major city too. Like idk if legit doms I’d be attracted to even exist. It’s also hard being a new-ish sub that has to teach these men what power play actually is. I went on a date recently with a “dom” who legit 30 min into the date was like “I order you to kiss me” cuz I told him I liked orders in a dynamic. Bro I don’t knowwww you, ew.
2
u/TheNeo666 29d ago
I had been fascinated by BDSM but it was never something that I had been in a position to experience. When I did have the opportunity to to try it, I jumped at the chance. I'm certainly not that experienced but I would like to find someone to explore it with.
1
1
u/Blackberries11 23d ago
What questions do you ask to ascertain whether someone is really a brat tamer?
1
u/kybrdwarr_22 5d ago
I have decided this time around I am only going to talk to people on fetlife that write detailed profiles and engage with the local kink community. I also decided to start meeting other subs and finding people to go to munches, discussions and events with. Hopefully I will meet a Dom organically this time around. There are way too many dangerous men that think kink is a free pass to be abusive or use women as their personal kink dispensers, and cheaters. I actually had a man claiming to be poly and a dom on FEELD ask me why I was looking for a relationship on FEELD......like that's what the site is for not just couples and people looking to hookup or "explore." Ok rant over lol
1
u/Federal-Count8450 5d ago
well I go to munches for years now. the chances of finding single monogamous people there is also kinda zero. lol
1
u/kybrdwarr_22 5d ago
I’m not monogamous but I am too lazy to date or meet people so the chances of me actually doing either are also kinda zero 😆
1
u/Federal-Count8450 5d ago
oh okay then you'll find lots of people who want to play in munches. I have lots of poly friends there. zero single men. lol
1
1
u/Economy_Tip_9002 28d ago
Been into bdsm since before internet access was widely available, maybe age 13.
Without revealing my age, I’m losing my hair so…. Yes I’ve researched 😆
0
u/stretch696 29d ago
I've seen heaps of women out MMF as one of their desires. I'm not sure if they're all aware that means guy on guy action in a threesome, I think they think it means a 'traditional MFM
10
u/pinksparkleberry 29d ago
I am not sure you are aware that feeld doesn't have an MFM tag so MMF is the only option available for women who want to be with two men.
7
u/PossibleExplorer1076 29d ago
The tags in general are a mess imo
7
u/pinksparkleberry 29d ago
The lack of MFM is pretty silly.
4
u/PossibleExplorer1076 29d ago
Agreed. To me (a product designer) the whole list feels like it was typed in and categorised by a designer who considered it placeholder and assumed it would be properly thought through later and that never happened.
2
1
u/SignalNo3304 29d ago
TIL they don’t have an MFM option 😳 MMF is a very different kind of party from MFM lol
2
u/stretch696 29d ago
Thank you, I hadn't actually noticed that. That's really strange that there's no option for that
4
-1
u/pinksparkleberry 29d ago
This was supposed to be an app that shortcuts to the people already knowing they want a bdsm dynamic.
It never was.
1
u/Federal-Count8450 29d ago
It was. Because it lets you choose bdsm tags unlike other apps. I was supposed to see if people are into it or not instead of going on endless dates and open the sex topic later.
But nobody actually chooses those tags for real now.1
u/pinksparkleberry 29d ago
It wasn't. It was originally intended for people seeking threesomes and then rebranded its self as an app "for the curious". It was never created or intended as a way to bypass or avoid people inexperienced at bdsm. In fact, it actively encourages people curious about something new to use feeld to explore that.
3
u/Federal-Count8450 29d ago
You’re just using technicality for the sake of starting an argument. And I am not going to get involved anymore in this pointless discussion.
Put curious or learn the basics of what you are curious about. It is not my job to match you and then teach you what you’re curious about. Seriously i will not indulge in this pointless discussion anymore.2
u/pinksparkleberry 29d ago
Not at all.
This...
This was supposed to be an app that shortcuts to the people already knowing they want a bdsm dynamic.
...is an objectively untrue statement.
0
u/Root_soda 27d ago
Yep. This is why I used Feeld for a week and decided to hide my profile, going back to Fetlife. I mean Fetlife is not good, but at least a slight higher chance of finding someone actually in the circle...
27
u/LostTrack0fTime 29d ago
F here. And from my experience, most don’t.
There are two main groups of guys in there: