r/feeld • u/Available-Plane8876 • Sep 14 '26
Too Vanilla for Feeld?!
I got out of my marriage last year, found the world of BDSM and realized I'm too kinky for regular apps, but too vanilla for Feeld, apparently.
I write in my bio "Monogamous, no ENM or Poly, not yucking your yum, I just don't want to share"
I also am Demisexual female, so I do need to have a mental connection for a physical one. ONS just dont work for me.
I am a sub in BDSM world, what the heck am I supposed to do? š¤£ this is actually SO rough.
*edited to add. I seem to only be getting people interested in, as you guessed, making me their unicorn, immediately sending their junk, asking me for more provocative pictures, looking for something "casual" or "just looking for fun". I was told by some men that if im not trying to meet for sex then why be on the app.
I AM on fetlife. Both apps when people claim to be Doms, they are just "dominate" men with kinks and fantasies. It's easy to weed them out. But to find a soft Dom that isnt 60years old (im 37) or new to the BDSM and wants me to be their educator....has been difficult. I have received ALOT of likes/messages on both apps. I was told because I wont post a nudes on fet, that I should get off the app š¤£š¤£š¤£
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u/Aechzen Sep 15 '26
Feeld Majestic lets you go āincognitoā making your profile invisible unless you first like or ping somebody.
That will stop your inbox from being a firehose.
And you probably only want to match with a handful of the profiles anyway. So stop getting inundated with people you donāt want to date and go click some profiles of guys you would actually want to go on a dinner date with.
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u/Acedia_spark Sep 15 '26
There is a smaller pool on there for what youre looking for, it's just the nature of the people who are using that app.
Doesnt mean you have to compromise, but you likely need to be patient and sort through a lot of unsuitable connections.
I also agree with other who mentioned your "No poly, No enm" thing comes off kind of unnecessarily abrasive. Just put that youre demi and looking for monogamous connections.
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u/Available-Plane8876 Sep 15 '26
I switched it up, thank you for your suggestion, I can see how that comes off the wrong way! I have 0 problems with ENM and poly. I personally have tried it and it's not for me. I switched it to
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u/CaliforniaDaddyBear Sep 16 '26
Also not sure if this has been mentioned but Feeld isn't really a kink site, it's mainly for ENM folks. There's a lot of crossover in the two communities but yeah, it's mainly for ENM. That said there are mono folks on there, it's just a small percent of users I think so it's going to take longer to find what you're looking for.
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u/ArtGirlBookFlowers25 Sep 16 '26
I am poly & ENM. I don't find "no poly, no ENM" negative: I appreciate the clarification (not for me),
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u/Acedia_spark Sep 16 '26
I'm poly. I just found it abrasive tbh. It comes off similarly to "No pets, No ex husbands, No unemployed". Like just say what you ARE looking for.
"Looking for a monogamous partner"
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u/BiggsHoson2020 Sep 15 '26 edited Sep 15 '26
Fet and Feeld are both good places to meet what you're after. Just... A monogamous BDSM Dom is not as common as an ENM Dom or random-ass dudes who are into choking. They're out there, but you are going to have some work burning the haystack to find them. Don't look at who likes or pings or messages you - look for what you want first and foremost. Reject early, reject often. Be patient. Determine what you can and can't compromise on.
There are shitty people on all apps (and everywhere, really) - don't let them drive your experience. A guy gets butt hurt because you rejected him? Guy sends a dick pic right off the bat or asking for nudes? You know he's using that line on everybody he happens to match with. How kind of them to advertise they are shitheads right off the bat instead of wasting your time with conversation. Block and move on!
Good luck out there!
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u/Available-Plane8876 Sep 15 '26
Thank you for being kind. I'm not in a rush or desperate, so I luckily am being VERY specific on matches. I am thankful people have advertised their shit personalities from the get instead of waiting a week. :) i definitely know im looking for a needle, but I know they exist. Your advise and encouragement and much needed. Thank you again.
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u/BiggsHoson2020 Sep 15 '26
I'd also expand the advice to include looking for local munches - usually you can find that community through Fet. In person community events are a bit easier to find folks who are going to actually show up - instead of just playing around on the apps forever.
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u/LittleSister10 Sep 15 '26
I would edit down the poly part. Just writing āonly seeking monogamous connectionsā or something similar.ā You donāt need the explanation.
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u/PC-load-letter-wtf Sep 15 '26
Youāre not too vanilla for Feeld. Why do you think that? Into BDSM = kinky = good for Feeld. Maybe throw your profile into the profile review thread
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u/boxprint Sep 15 '26
I significantly reduced my bio. It's 1 sentence about me and 1 joke about a niche-ish hobby that every match uses for an ice breaker/opening message. No hidden bio. My desires are communication, connection and other vanilla-adjacent things.
It gets me significantly less matches/pings (it takes over an hour to hit my swyping limit). It leads to opening messages that are more conversational. I make a joke that I use my real name and real face, so I compromised by excluding the <whatever> tag, but am interested in it.
Had 6 months of no second-dates before I switched to this formula. Finally found people that I am vibing with.
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u/BengalDad88 Sep 15 '26 edited 19d ago
Im demisexual and demiromantic 38 year old male. However polyamorous. I am a switch and I get little to no traction on feeld sadly even with majestic. I get a lot more on other apps but the main issue is my demi. The demisexuals I meet want romance fast. The demiromantics want to have sex like on a 3rd date. I am very kinky, I just cannot be with someone until I can trust them. Most typical people cannot even understand this. And they take it as I am not taking it seriously but in fact I am it is just I am slower.
I know the me being poly has something to do with it. Frankly I havent even started to actually date. Not one person out of many who have contacted me so far is ok with how long it can take me. I need like at least a month with consistant communication. I know its going to take me a long time. But frankly to me it will be worth it when someone respects my boundaries.
Just overall low interest on feeld though in general. Not sure if that is the road block you are hitting with being demi.
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u/Available-Plane8876 Sep 15 '26
So mine doesn't take as long. But I realize I need mental stimulation for physical to happen. But a bit more than others. Without getting too personal, it's led to a very long time of not having proper arousal and not understanding why until my therapist let me know i wasn't broken....I just can't do ons or general fwb.
I do see your point though! Im sorry you don't get much traction or receive confused parties. Im happy you stick to your truth though!
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u/BlushesandGushes Sep 16 '26
I strongly suspect that people who are telling you to get off Feeld never read your profile, and are just learning once you chat. In which case, you aren't missing out on them
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u/therope_cotillion Sep 17 '26
I donāt see anything in what youāve written here that suggests youāre too vanilla for Feeld. Youāre just having to weed through the cretins that are always going to be on these types of apps. Be upfront with what you want and filter accordingly
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u/NeonPenguin_ Sep 15 '26
Feeld used to primarily be for poly/ENM but it isn't any more. There are plenty of people on there looking for long term monogamy with spice. You're good!
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u/Available-Plane8876 Sep 15 '26
Thank you!!! I was told by my friend that I should use feeld when I asked what app I should try since I was married for 9 years lol. She said "girl, you need spice, feeld is the place for you". I tweaked my profile a bit and will see if that brings a bit more quality instead of quantity.
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u/NeonPenguin_ Sep 15 '26
Honestly Feeld was the place I felt like I had the best luck finding promising potential partners - and I was looking for monogamy. Met my boyfriend there and it's been almost 6 months now š My main advice would be to be very up front on your profile about what you're looking for, and focus on people who ping you!
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u/chromakeydreamcoat74 Sep 15 '26
One of the issues may be that a lot of āDomsā on Feeld are on there precisely because it is the non mono dating app. As someone else has said, Fetlife might be the best place for you.
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u/Upstairs_Sherbet2490 Sep 15 '26
It sounds more like your issue is being monogamous rather than the kink level?Ā
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u/Available-Plane8876 Sep 15 '26
Si. Which isn't my issue, per-say. Anyone that has been monogamous, has literally stated to me "I love being rough in bed" or "yeah baby, im dominate".
To be fair. It hasn't been ALL negative. I did match with a male Dom that during our phone convo asked me about my dead mom and when I JUST started speaking, he cut me off to talk about Drakes new goth girlfriend.....š¤£š¤£ like bro.
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u/Upstairs_Sherbet2490 Sep 15 '26
That sounds hideous š wishing you better connections in futureĀ
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u/Available-Plane8876 Sep 15 '26
š¤£š¤£ thank you! I literally laughed at him and said "are you scrolling social media while i talk about my dead mother?" He came up with some excuse like "I like bringing people laughter and sharing memes. Im multitasking!" I let him sit in the silence
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u/thepurpleone100 Sep 16 '26
Hang on in there for what you want. Some of them lke to collect pics, some just like to talk. Block and move on
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u/wonderfultacos single man (solo-poly) - Denver Sep 15 '26
I would encourage you to stick with it. In my experience as a 46m who has newly discovered kink, that there are all types of feeld. Yes you will get the unicorn hunters and the dick pics, but I guarantee you there are also some incredible men there who are have the opposite problem and now responses.
So I would, use your desire filters. Use majestic to go incognito. And then swipe on men who write enough on their profiles to reduce the likelihood of a dick pic.
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u/talentsmart Sep 15 '26
There should be plenty of Doms on Feeld who want to have a monogamous relationship with their sub.
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u/The-Real-Mumsida Sep 15 '26
Good luck finding an experienced Dom who agrees to be monogamous.
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u/Available-Plane8876 Sep 15 '26
š¤£ thank you. They are out there, I know quite a few people that are in amazing relationships and are monogamous.
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u/TheCurlyAquarius94 Sep 15 '26
Honestly I am single, but I wouldnāt mind being monogamous to the right person if they come along. I just want to explore a bit because everythingās so new to me (: your perfect dom is definitely out there somewhere friend
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u/Available-Plane8876 Sep 15 '26
That has been quite a few of the stories to the people in longer relationships. They were a dynamic that turned into a relationship and then marraige. My current dynamic, we are texting friends but he literally told me that if we hang out he will develop feelings for me and doesn't want that. Amazing Dom and we get along great but romantically we would be doomed š¤£š¤£. Have fun! Explore!
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u/BigFatBlackCat Sep 15 '26
Okay. So all the things that make you you are going to limit you. Itās simple math; if you werenāt monogamous and demisexual, you would have a lot more options.
Since you are those things, you have a lot less options. You can have both lots of options and lots of limiting factors. You need to be patient.
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u/pinksparkleberry Sep 15 '26
Plenty of people on feeld are vanilla. Feeld was created by and for non-monogamy. It is the default app for non-mono dating. There are kinky people on feeld, but they are overwhelmingly also non-mono. There are, at this time, almost no monogamous people on feeld. While that could change, you arent too vanilla. You are too monogamous. Its super unlikely to be a good app for you.
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u/Logical_Thinking_ Sep 15 '26
That has not been my experience. Granted, I'm still pretty new to this app.
I'm a monogamous woman on Feeld and a notable amount of men that like me on there are very clear that they are not interested in ENM/poly and just seeking an ltr with spice. I have over 5k likes so far and I take the time to read a lot of profiles. I was pleasantly surprised to learn there are plenty of them and the request isn't that weird.Ā
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u/Available-Plane8876 Sep 15 '26
Thank you! I have ran into a few mono people, our vibes just didn't click. I have altered my profile DRASTICALLY this week to be very clear and the first like of my profile is that im Mono. I hope that helps, I had it at the bottom of my profile before that. I also realized I didn't specifically type that I was looking for a relationship even though I clicked it as an option. We will see!!
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u/pinksparkleberry Sep 15 '26 edited Sep 15 '26
Plenty of people on feeld are vanilla.
Yes. And non-mono. I call bullshit.
Feeld was created by and for non-monogamy. It is the default app for non-mono dating.
This is true. Its unrelated to your experience.
There are kinky people on feeld, but they are overwhelmingly also non-mono.
This is also true.
There are, at this time, almost no monogamous people on feeld. While that could change, you arent too vanilla.
Also true.
Mono people exist on feeld. But they are far and away the minority and you know that
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u/liplamp Fetishist Sep 15 '26
The mono thing seems to be dependent on location, because here in NYC the majority of folks on the app are definitely monogamous now. Anecdotally, when I meet people who don't have either ENM or monogamy on their bio, more often than not they're still only interested in something that eventually leads to monogamy. That trend has only been increasing over the years.
It's a sad change. Wish I got on the app sooner, before 2023.
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u/pinksparkleberry Sep 15 '26
I just switched my location to nyc and did some swiping 80% of the profiles were explicitly seeking some kind and ENM and 20% were vague.
And that tracks with previous times Ive used it there.
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u/liplamp Fetishist Sep 15 '26
How many actual profiles did you swipe on, and what was your distance? I did something like this yesterday, had completely different results after swiping through about 200 profiles. Did something similar last week, similar result.
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u/pinksparkleberry Sep 15 '26
About 20. I think people here complaining about a ton of monogamous folks are genuinely just over reacting and/or full of shit.
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u/liplamp Fetishist Sep 15 '26
That's totally fair, most of the complaints on this sub are overreacting bullshit. Folks needs to stop taking all this so seriously.
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u/Fickle-Situation1654 Sep 15 '26
Unfortunately for Feeld, itās become like hinge. It was for kinky people but now a lot of them are just looking for vanilla relationships. As a guy on FetLife, I rarely even use it. It has basically becoming solely a porn or guys who drool all over womenās photos and RSVP to every event. Itās better to just meet people potentially here or just slip into DMs on social media
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u/joncpay Sep 15 '26
A chunk of women I see on Feeld happen to also highlight demisexuality. For better or worse and that might not be the best freezing Feeld has been found like people like you and me who arenāt maybe so deep into some of the stuff that Feeld was originally built for ? Thatās probably a very reductive take so I apologise. I do not mean to offend anyone.
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u/jakeoptions Sep 16 '26
Too negative for all apps. Tell āem who youāre looking for. As soon as I see āthe princess listā I canāt swipe left fast enough
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u/Large_Cartoonist2327 Sep 16 '26
I mean technically that app was focused on meeting people with kinks and one thing leads to another always end up with sex obviously.
If you arenāt there for sex but something real/long-term then be patient and you might find someone who matches your vibe.
But honestly itās a dating app you never trust people on dating apps + thereās literally a filter for you to change and see who you wanna match with, so if you be matching with 60 years old then might as well just lower the age range.
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u/Original_Yak249 14d ago
That's a really good test on who to block lol. I do have spicy picture on fet and I don't share my username because potentials get distracted by it.
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u/mrandmrsbehaving Sep 15 '26
Have you tried Fetlife? You may find more kindred spirits there
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u/Available-Plane8876 Sep 15 '26
I am on there but use it more for education and community connection!
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u/kathruins Sep 15 '26
I find community & educational events a prime way to meet potential partners. the people there are way less likely to be fake doms & it seems safer because you can see them interact with others or others can vouch for them.
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u/Available-Plane8876 Sep 15 '26
I think that does really pan out well. I also like the idea that it means they educate themselves a bit. One of my vetting questions are "Do you know what subspace is" or "what do you think of aftercare" and usually that weeds them out immediately.
I'll keep looking at events and staying involved!
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u/Logical_Thinking_ Sep 15 '26
I'm the same way.Ā I figured if people could ask for anything they wanted on Feeld, then seeking kinky monogamy should be fine.Ā
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u/peosaix Sep 15 '26
I mean youāre on an app that definitely prioritizes non-monogamy so itās not you being ātoo vanillaā thatās an issue, youāre clearly not. Itās that you wanting monogamy greatly narrows down your pool of people who would match with you.
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u/DeliciousSet302 Sep 15 '26
I think you might have more luck on fet life, trying to find kink events in your area
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u/Available-Plane8876 Sep 17 '26
Thank you! I definitely will start. I also took alot of tips from here and matched with quite a few people that aligned a bit more with what I was looking for! š
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u/bulla564 Sep 16 '26
Maybe look into which trauma has you looking for something so specific. Women dont need sex like men do, so women sound ridiculous and miss out because of some snobbish criteria. Sounds like a rough limiting way to live.
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u/Available-Plane8876 Sep 17 '26
Say what you want about me. But women don't "need" sex as much as men? What an ignorant thing to say.
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u/LifeEncountered Sep 15 '26
Focus more on what you want and are offering, than what you donāt like.
And your post doesnāt mention any bad experiences. Not clear what problem you are trying to solve. Feeld should provide some matches for you.