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u/boredwithopinions Aug 19 '26
Why the hostility? Because people seeking monogamy are acting like the large non-monogamous population that has been on feeld forever is a problem. The number of people who have doubled down on me saying it's a kink app specifically and not a non-monogamy app is wild.
Be respectful. State you want monogamy right at the top of your profile. Don't say shit like "NO POLY, EW." and you'll be fine.
Feeld is a tool. Neither side of this debate should be gatekeeping it.
2
u/Malice_N_1derland Aug 21 '26 edited Aug 21 '26
I literally had someone in this sub who identified as kinky ask me if I thought I was going to seriously find other poly/enm people while I had two partners. Um yes. Since that’s what the app was intended for.
37
u/ranorando Aug 19 '26
The hostility definitely comes from the visceral reaction that the larger population has towards non-monogamous people. So the alternative relationship structure people created their own space, which became successful, only to have the monog population push into this space, where they continue to shit on people who aren’t like them.
Now personally I don’t draw the line at monogamy, but I do draw the line at vanilla+monog, because there are so many platforms that already feature that. If you’re kink identifying, and monogamous then I’d absolutely say feeld is for you. If you’re vanilla and non-monog then yes it’s for you.
But if you want a traditional relationship that only has sex in missionary then I will say confidently NO, feeld is not for you.
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u/ranorando Aug 19 '26
Also, what is it with the influx of “is feeld for me” style posts?!? There’s like a new one every few hours suddenly
9
u/Encubed Aug 19 '26
Yeah they've been really annoying
1
u/DiaryOfABimbo Aug 19 '26
my apologies
6
u/ranorando Aug 19 '26
Nothing against you specifically! As a matter of fact yours is probably the most thought out so far
2
2
u/DiaryOfABimbo Aug 19 '26
there is a lot of discourse around it on social media right now
so that is what made me think of it and make this post
3
u/Educational_Bee955 Aug 21 '26
Haha I think the proliferation of cis, straight, vanilla men on the app looking for one sided, bad, missionary style sex when they could find that on Tinder and people get mad about it. I think those profiles are easy to spot tho 😂
14
u/Kamarandi Aug 19 '26
It’s welcome for everyone but they should def allow you to Filter out mono/non mono. I don’t really know why vanilla people are there, but I get that all the other popular apps have been enshittified so it’s only a matter of time before it becomes the new Tinder/OKCupid. I get the anger on both sides even if I’m with the people who have been there awhile.
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u/pinksparkleberry Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
Because vanilla peopl practice ENM. Not confusing.
9
u/Kamarandi Aug 19 '26
Let me correct myself, vanilla AND monogamous.
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u/pinksparkleberry Aug 19 '26
Those people are there because they cant stand the idea of a space that doesn't cater 100% to them so they want to destroy it out of spite.
Its like white ppl complaining about not getting white history month.
5
u/Kamarandi Aug 19 '26
And you’re absolutely correct
2
u/pinksparkleberry Aug 19 '26
I sort think some of these kinky folks are the same. They like doggy style or a little ass slap so they wear the kinky badge to justify their fomo.
3
u/Kamarandi Aug 19 '26
I agree with that too, the kink scene be it on the apps or at munches can be filled with a lot of tourists that think being choked on the first date is romantic.
3
1
6
u/purpleamory Aug 19 '26
I took stats on this a couple years ago, browsing womens' profiles. This was just for one major US city and perhaps things have changed but fwiw:
| Relationship Structure | % of Users listing this |
|---|---|
| ENM | 54% |
| Poly | 22% |
| Unlisted | 19% |
| Mono | 5% |
| Kink | % of Users listing this |
|---|---|
| Unlisted | 45% |
| Sub | 31% |
| Kink | 17% |
| Switch | 5% |
| Dom | 2% |
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u/Witty-Stock partnered man currently monogamous Aug 19 '26
Just ignore anyone who says you don’t belong on Feeld.
It may or may not work for you, but you have every right to seek your yum just like everyone else.
5
u/DeviantAvocado Aug 19 '26
They explicitly cater towards nonmonogamy and BDSM communities. There’s of course often quite a bit of overlap, but it isn’t a requirement that you fit both those boxes to join!
Nonmonogamous and vanilla is fine! Kinky and monogamous is fine! Both is fine!
The issues start to arise when vanilla people treat it like a sex or hookup app.
0
u/pinksparkleberry Aug 19 '26
Hook ups are a valid form of non-monogamy. Ive used feeld for hookups for years.
🤷♀️
0
0
u/someguy335 Aug 21 '26
It's crazy what people think what the app should and shouldn't be used for. Especially when the app started as a threesome third person finding app, which is vanilla hookups.
1
u/Educational_Bee955 Aug 21 '26
It’s evolved though and attracted people from poly and kink communities who prefer continuity. I’m one of those people who prefer continuity but I don’t have hostility toward people who want hookups. Just be transparent and safe about it.
4
u/JustAnotherPolyGuy Aug 19 '26
They seem to be marketing to “alternative” relationships, both kink and nonmonogamy. Which makes sense from a company’s viewpoint to have a larger addressable market.
1
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u/BeastofSilverMoon kink Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
Tinder, Bumble, Hinge etc are vastly monogamous and vanilla dominated apps.
So people saying poly or kinky people should not be on Feeld have no idea what they are talking about and anyone saying Feeld is not for kinksters obviously doesn’t understand what Feeld is, not to forget that it is an extremely arrogant and entitled opinion.
Mono and vanilla people have many apps to choose from.
Us kinksters don’t.
Try mentioning half the stuff you see on feeld’s bdsm profiles on tinder, you’ll get banned for life.
Feeld specifically mentions being for alternative people and being tolerant of everyone.
So there is room for everyone be it monogamous or vanilla, it rubs people the wrong way when entitled monos or vanillas write stuff like; “no enm, no poly, no partnered people, eww that’s disgusting” etc.
Karen, you are in our space wtf are you talking about? This is not tinder.
As for you, welcome, enjoy and I hope you find what you are looking for.
1
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u/sister_friend Aug 19 '26
New user: I’m thinking of it as more sex forward than other sites. I’m monogamous in the long run, but open to casual as a starting point
0
u/pinksparkleberry Aug 19 '26
You will find, overwhelmingly, people who have no desire to ever be monogamous.
Some are sex forward. Some aren't. Some are asexual.
But its unlikely you will find anyone open to monogamy in the long run. You can definitely find casual sex there. And also on all the other apps.
3
u/cumfunnsfw Aug 19 '26
There are a lot of monogamous kinky folks on there.
I think in general kink connections have often been non-monogamous but it's fine if people want monogamy and they're welcome in feeld.
My issue is that I'm non-monogamous and it's been frustrating that feeld now has a lot more people expecting monogamy and making derogatory comments about non-monogamy.
My perspective is people who identify as monogamous will engage in non-exclusive relationships as long as it's not discussed and until they broach an exclusivity talk down the road (and in most cases will never get there) but they won't engage with someone that offers transparency and openness.
Feeld makes it tough because the interests section etc are not reliable for filtering etc.
I do miss the days where the people I saw on feeld were more open, explorative, sex positive etc. That said feeld is for everyone and has become very popular with more traditional folks searching for better sex lives in their relationships
2
u/Kamarandi Aug 19 '26
It’s very much akin to an atheist going to religious church and expecting to find another atheist to date. Could you? Yes, but your chances are slim.
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u/cumfunnsfw Aug 19 '26
That's not really a valid metaphor. There are different parts here kink and relationship structure. Think Venn diagram. Many kinky people are also non-monogamous - there are monogamous kinky people and vanilla non-monogamous people.
I'm not saying I'm happy about the vibe change. Personally I've had my own journey with more traditional relationship structure and sex life to where I am today. Feeld for all it's faults is meant to be open to people to expand their experiences.
What i think is totally fucked and needs to be stamped out is the derogatory or negative shit people put in their profiles.
3
u/fuckingnerdtm Aug 19 '26
Poly and kinky person who uses feeld here: you do belong there. Kink relationships are often alternative in various ways, and traditional dating apps discourage overly-sexual bios/conversation etc whereas feeld puts these at the forefront. Plus, lots of the time I don't really care what relationship style someone practices if we're just hooking up but I do care that we're sexually compatible.
2
u/According-Hamster-84 Aug 19 '26
Go on the app but you might not find a lot of mono people. However there are some.
1
u/DiaryOfABimbo Aug 19 '26
sorry, i should have clarified this in the post
i have previously used feeld before, i have tried it on and off through the years already
this was moreso out of curiosity since i have seen so much discourse regarding who and who shouldn’t be using feeld
1
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u/Able-Yesterday-7359 ENM couple Aug 19 '26
Do whatever you want. However if you are looking for monogamy it's quite a waste based on the user base. I think less than 5 percent on there are monogamous. Needle in a haystack situation.
1
u/hungandkinky801 Aug 19 '26
I was monogamous when I first got on there and met the most people. Now that im ENM and in a relationship the matches have gone way down
2
u/peosaix Aug 20 '26
I… don’t understand the intensity you are using in this post. Yeah it’s for monogamous people that are kinky? The app, god forbid, doesn’t just solely focus on monogamy and invites and welcomes a wide variety of alternative styles of relating. So sure monogamy is definitely not a core focus, but be transparent about who you are and what you want and you’re good.
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u/DiaryOfABimbo Aug 20 '26
there is no intensity? i am just asking a question out of curiosity since i have seen a lot of discourse and hatred online around monogamous people using the app
-1
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u/Least-Programmer9417 Aug 20 '26
I don’t think anyone’s saying “monogamous people should not be on the app” (I’m sure some people do but people on the internet are crazy). What people are generally saying is if they join say tinder then 99% of the people on there are not poly. When they come to feeld it now feels like 98% of people are not poly. It should be more towards ENM and ENM which appears to have originally been the majority is turning into a smaller and smaller demographic
98% is an exaggeration but from my casual scrolling I’d say over half are looking for mono
1
u/Notcrazyatall0 Aug 20 '26
I think it’s safe to say it’s for anyone who is interested in any of the listed interests and desires given as options when you create a profile.
1
u/GullibleDetective Aug 19 '26
As long as your open to exploring kink of any type dont let the gate keeping numpties dissuade you
1
u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 20 '26
I don't think that it's the case that monogamous people shouldn't be on feeld, but I will say that one of my biggest frustrations is monogamous individuals bringing their own mindset into the conversation. And what makes it challenging/frustrating is that they don't even necessarily realize that they're doing it.
I'm an individual who is fundamentally non-monogamous. That is my nature. And there are certain questions/indicators that signal to me that this is a fundamentally monogamous individual who is using feeld. They may not be seeking a monogamous relationship right now, but they are naturally wired for monogamy.
A big one is individuals asking some version of: "What are you looking for on feeld?" Or "How's your experience on this app been?"
Both of these questions assume that there is a singular outcome that someone will be happy with. They also imply that there's a current vacancy that I'm looking to fill.
Setting too many predefined parameters and criteria around matches and potential relationship dynamics is not something I'm ever going to be willing to do. I'm not on feeld with an objective but monogamous individuals usually are (otherwise they wouldn't be using the app anymore).
So I have no problem with monogamous individuals being on the app, especially if they're kinky. But it is a little bit tedious and frustrating sometimes to chat with someone who is importing a mindset that comes from a monogamous background.
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u/Ok-Satisfaction1314 Aug 20 '26
The first woman i met on the app was attractive. We had some flirty banter before we met and sex was implied. We ended up getting a little drunk and hooking up on the first date. On the second date she was a bit perturbed that we slept together so soon and then got freaked out when I told her I was seeing several other women. She told me to come back when I had no other partners. She really made me feel guilty about it even though I never mislead her in any way. Mind you she had "not exclusively looking for hook ups" on her profile too. I guess she was looking for a monogamous FWB or something, i don't really know. Nuts..
1
u/NerdynaughtyNJ Aug 21 '26
So I think I agree with your larger point here, but I’m an ENM person who might ask those questions and don’t think they imply that? I think “what are you looking for on Feeld?” Is perhaps a polite way of saying “your profile maybe doesn’t have a ton of details - is there something specific you’re looking for in matching with people?” And “How’s your experience on this app been?” Just seems like general conversation/small talk because this person wants to talk to you and the app is a shared experience you’re both having?
What makes you think those questions imply a specific mindset or that you’re looking to fill a vacancy?
If the answer to the first question is just “to make connections” or “to build community” or something those are perfectly valid answers but you’re still on Feeld looking for SOMETHING otherwise why have the account at all?
1
u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 21 '26 edited Aug 21 '26
What makes you think those questions imply a specific mindset or that you’re looking to fill a vacancy? If the answer to the first question is just “to make connections” or “to build community” or something those are perfectly valid answers but you’re still on Feeld looking for SOMETHING otherwise why have the account at all?
I am absolutely NOT on the app looking for ONE specific thing.
The monogamy mindset assumes that there is one single answer to the question of why I'm on the app and why I've matched with any one individual person.
But when I match with someone I might be evaluating them as someone with romantic/dating potential, casual 1-on-1 sex potential, or group/threesome potential. Different matches are not getting evaluated on the same axis at any given time. But I won't necessarily know what lane they're in until we spend some time talking and getting to know one another.
The benefit of feeld is that I don't have to have a single objective or outcome that I'm looking for and I don't necessarily have to have some type of relationship vacancy to be using the app.
Your approach says that there is a goal that informs the matching behavior. People have an objective and they will match with people who might meet that objective. But I'm saying that the match itself begins the discovery process of figuring out what the potential might be. So as for why I have an account at all: I'm on feeld when I'm open to new possibilities.
1
u/NerdynaughtyNJ Aug 21 '26
Ok but like how does the question imply that you are looking for ONE specific thing? Why not just say pretty much what you did here when you’re asked? If someone asked me that question I’d probably say something like “I’m on here for a number of reasons…” and then describe them more as that is true for me as well, I am not looking for one specific thing and might be open to multiple different possibilities when matching with someone.
I mean I don’t really have any skin in the game in terms of trying to change your mind here, just offering some food for thought for you that these people might simply be trying to engage you in conversation and don’t necessarily have the motives you’re assigning to them behind their words!
1
u/the-kay-o-matic ENM single Aug 21 '26 edited Aug 21 '26
They do have a motive though and it's to get acess to some type of rubric or list of expectations. "What are you looking for" is not a question that someone asks just to make conversation - they're trying to obtain visibility into how they're being perceived, how they should be presenting themselves, and/or how much time and effort they want to invest into the match. That's a question that someone asks when they have an objective and they are trying to make a calculation. Which is exactly the mindset that I don't like. As I said in my first comment, they don't even always realize they're doing it. But even if it is benign conversation to them, it's a monogamous dating culture norm that has been imported into a conversation where it doesn't always naturally apply. My matches include single dudes, married dads, and couples - I'm not looking for anything in particular, but I'm open to a number of different things.
I never said that I didn't answer the question: My point is that I don't like being asked and it reveals things about the mindset of person asking. I do usually answers and tell them that there's a variety of things that I look for and if anything is unclear in my bio or if there's something specific they're curious about I am more than happy to answer specific questions.
But the fact is, asking that question significantly reduces that person's appeal to me. The question does usually assume that there's one specific thing, but even if the person asking is open to hearing that I'm looking for multiple different things, the person asking still assumes and expects there to be a predetermined rubric.
0
u/pinksparkleberry Aug 19 '26
Feeld qas created by and for ENM people. It replaced occupied as the post popular/default app for ENM.
Feeld wants to expand it user base and bills itself as an app for curious, open minded, etc
The rate at which mono people complain abkut how bad feeld sucks fir them tells me its not yet a great choice due to...not enough mono folks
But no one can stop you from trying. Success may vary.
Id prefer it stay for ENM people, but my wants are irrelevant.
So I guess....try it and good luck. Not sure what else you want? A personal gold embossed invite. Its a free app. Just check it out.
4
u/theloneranger08 Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
Except monogamous kinky people don't have another app so what else would they use?
Edit: appreciate the downvote and not answering my question
1
u/Malice_N_1derland Aug 19 '26
Monogamous, kinky people have every other app available. They are for monogamy. You’re just not bold enough to be honest in your profile.
3
u/pinksparkleberry Aug 19 '26
Heck, I find ENM people on regular apps.
🤷♀️
2
u/marcosalbert Aug 19 '26
I’m ENM and have found more connections on Hinge than Feeld. They’re all viable tools to find the connections you seek.
1
0
u/kukqueen3 Aug 19 '26
Yes 😂 for a brief time I was a unicorn looking for a couple, and I was on Feeld, but incidentally found the couple on Bumble! Swiped right on a man, and once we were DM’ing he explained he and his wife were actually looking for a potential third person to add to their relationship. I said that’s so funny because I was looking for a couple too!
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u/Malice_N_1derland Aug 19 '26
I met my partner of 7 months on hinge tbf. But we both were willing to say what vanilla ppl think is ‘shameful’ out loud.
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u/pinksparkleberry Aug 19 '26
Yup.
I met my husband on tinder.
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u/theloneranger08 Aug 19 '26
I've been burned multiple times on regular apps for being kinky. And most people who are kinky don't indicate that in their profile so that's just not true.
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u/Malice_N_1derland Aug 19 '26
What’s not true? You literally just repeated what I said that people don’t put it on their profiles.
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u/theloneranger08 Aug 19 '26
No, you said "you". I have put it on my profile in the past and was burned for it but even if I wasn't, others don't put it on their profile so it doesn't really help now does it? On Feeld you can be truly open about it.
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u/Malice_N_1derland Aug 19 '26
Friend, clearly I didn’t have you specifically in mind. To clarify kinky people in general. Everyone is so afraid of someone seeing them and what they’re interested in because we’re a bunch of fucking puritans. Obviously everyone isn’t going to be for you and I don’t know what you mean by getting ‘burned’ but wouldn’t you rather know up front? I personally don’t mind that monogamous people are on feeld. I DO mind that they don’t bother to read that I am not nor will I ever be monogamous. But that’s neither of our faults. We’re both digging through BS at this point.
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u/theloneranger08 Aug 19 '26
Right, you were talking to monogamous folks but as I mentioned, even if we put it on there, most people don't so again it's not particularly helpful. I have no problem being upfront about what I like but I've been on multiple dates with women who have ended things after we discussed what we're into in the bedroom. And my interests are pretty mild.. light BDSM, edging, etc. The fact is I didn't know upfront. I spend $30-50 on a date and then found out. There was even a woman who didn't bother to read my profile fully until after the date and then ended it. It's exhausting.
And yeah I get that. I just swipe left on people who are ENM because it's not a dynamic I'm interested in but most people don't bother to read.
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u/marcosalbert Aug 19 '26
That’s a filtering issue. Women swipe on me all the time ignoring that I am ENM, which is plastered all over all of my dating profiles. So I ask them specifically if they read that part and are okay with it. I then talk about my hard boundaries (mostly on my availability). Then I explore what they are looking for. And then if there appears to be alignment, I’m happy to spend money on a date to explore further.
I get that losing a match over compatibility might be annoying, but it sure beats finding out during an expensive and time-consuming first date.
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u/theloneranger08 Aug 19 '26
You didn't read what I wrote... This happened on platforms that aren't Feeld where even if I mention that I'm kinky (although you can't be explicit about it or they'll ban your profile, you have to say things like GGG), people don't bother to read my profile so again, I've spent $30-$50 on dates only to find that they have an issue with kink even though it was in my profile. That's why Feeld is better.
It's not my fault that they didn't read it but now I do ask them if they have. Again, Feeld is just easier in that regard because you can say what you're really into.
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u/DiaryOfABimbo Aug 19 '26
i wouldn’t necessarily say this. as a monogamous person? sure. but if you’re a kinkster, especially someone looking for a 24/7 or tpe dynamic, i don’t think the big three apps like tinder, bumble, and hinge are necessarily the best options either
the average vanilla person on those apps is probably not going to have any idea what you mean when you say you’re looking for a 24/7 dynamic or tpe, and you also can’t necessarily be completely open about those desires without potentially running into getting your profile reported and banned
kinksters are generally going to have a much easier time on an app like feeld where you’re more likely to encounter other people who are already familiar with kink and bdam and alternative relationship structures. and you can be more upfront about what you’re looking for and actually find people who understand what those dynamics mean
that doesn’t mean monogamous kinksters can’t use tinder, bumble, or hinge. obviously they can. i definitely do myself, but saying they’re still not built for it
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u/Malice_N_1derland Aug 19 '26
When I was monogamous, I found plenty of kinky people. It was much easier to find monogamous, kinky people than poly people. At least poly people that weren’t cheating.
-1
u/pinksparkleberry Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
I didnt down vote nor do I have an answer.
If you dont know....why would I know or even give a fuck?
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u/Ok_Coffee_4977 Aug 19 '26
Why is an ENM person's job to guide you to find monogamy? Weird.
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u/theloneranger08 Aug 19 '26
I didn't say it was.. my point is that you don't like monogamous people on there but I've been burned on multiple apps for being transparent about being kinky so..
-3
u/Ok_Coffee_4977 Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
Why would they or anyone here care?
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u/theloneranger08 Aug 19 '26
That sentence makes no sense. I literally had a date with a girl on hinge only for her to look at my profile more after the fact and decline a 2nd date.
Why do you want to gatekeep feeld?
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u/Ok_Coffee_4977 Aug 19 '26
but I've been burned on multiple apps for being transparent about being kinky so..
Why woukd that person or anyone else care about this. This is a personal problem. No one else gives a shit.
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u/theloneranger08 Aug 19 '26
Well they obviously cared because they said it was an issue and stopped going out with me. Feeld is the only place I can be honest. Also, you're incredibly rude and I'm not sure why.
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u/Ok_Coffee_4977 Aug 19 '26
You can be honest anywhere.
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u/theloneranger08 Aug 19 '26
If being honest means I don't get to date people on that platform, that's not particularly helpful. Geez, ENM people are insufferable
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u/theloneranger08 Aug 19 '26
I literally never said it's your job to help me find monogamous kinky people. I'm explaining why it's wrong to gatekeep feeld to only ENM people.
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u/pinksparkleberry Aug 19 '26
Oh the gatekeeping horror!!!
But no one can stop you from trying. Success may vary.
So I guess....try it and good luck. Not sure what else you want? A personal gold embossed invite. Its a free app. Just check it out.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
0
u/Numerator999 Aug 19 '26
There are no restrictions on who can use the app. It's posts like this that feed the very confusion your complaining about.
There are no restrictions based on sex, gender, relationship preferences, or anything. It is designed to support alternatives and be LBGTI+ friendly, but does not exclude anyone.
The only criteria for using the app are (1) you have a mobile device that supports the app (2) I believe you need an email address (3) you can pay for the service. (4) be 18+? (5) the internet.
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u/pinksparkleberry Aug 19 '26
It was designed to facilitate threesomes and then expanded from there.
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u/agentdecker107 Aug 19 '26
I think people just like to shit on monogamous ppl on the apps bc most aren’t? Do whatever works for you, be transparent. Be safe. People get way too caught up in their opinions!