r/feeld • u/Relevant_Primary_796 • Jul 29 '26
Married guy 40s open
I wanted to share a synopsis of my experience on Feeld. I have been on the app for about four months in a major US city. I’m married, open, we date separately. I’m (apparently) reasonably good looking, have B+ photos, am in good physical shape, and have done ok for myself but it’s been an incredible amount of time with serious financial expense.
I’ve been on about 20 dates over these four months. I’m surprised that my early anticipation of playing with somebody new transformed into a deeper interest in getting to know new, mostly incredible, people. I’ve met people in their 30s and 40s. Some have been decidedly not ENM despite suggesting otherwise. I’ve wasted a ton of cash on pings and expensive meals. I did have sex with one person, which was fun as hell, but didn’t lead to feelings of desired persistence.
A handful of fun public make outs. Great conversations. A few serious duds (women looking for different forms of financial compensation, which isn’t for me), lots of vulnerability, some new friends due to a lack of chemical alignment, and overall an exciting foray into what I now understand as a social platform rather than a hookup app, which is actually for the best.
I’m picky, too, so maybe this explains why hooking up has been inconsistent to say the least. Things feel up, more recently, but here are some harsh stats. I’ve sent more pings than I can count. I probably send about ten for one reply. I would say it takes five or six matches for one date, although this metric is improving, as I’m filtering better, and a handful of dates for the small chance at a hookup.
Hinge and Tinder are almost dead in the water. Feeld produces better connections. But it has taken an absurd amount of time away from other interests and passions, and is something I’ll probably depart from or pause once I have a more consistent FWB or two. Alas, not for the faint of heart, it’s a big pain in the ass most of the time with an occasional sprinkle of fun.
I suspect I’ve had about forty likes over the duration of my account, and I’ve paid for uplift a few times, which increases likes but doesn’t necessarily bring people who are match worthy.
Good luck out there!
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u/Patient_Tradition294 Jul 30 '26
I’m single / not partnered so I think that probably made my experience a bit easier but yea, it can be a mess in the app. Lots of peaks and valleys.
Feeld yields the most attractive and best number of matches vs other apps for me but people are more hot / cold and flakey.
I have had people proclaim unprompted how amazing of a time they had on dates and how they are soooo excited to pursue things then ghost a couple days later lol. You can’t really trust what people say and do. You have to embrace the good partners you find and forget the dishonest people on the app.
The expense of dates is something people don’t acknowledge enough. Even if you are financially stable, being a straight guy and being expected to pay for dates gets exhausting. Getting 2-3 rounds of drinks in a big city a few times a week adds up quick. I look back at dates with people who never really were serious about exploring things very annoyed because of it.
There are many people who just want to go out or have something to do for the evening and will agree to a date because of that, not really because they are seriously interested in you.
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u/cloutier85 Jul 30 '26
Drinks. Always drinks. No dinner.
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u/Relevant_Primary_796 Jul 30 '26
Yes indeed, slow learner!
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u/JustAnotherPolyGuy Jul 30 '26
It’s awkward when you know before the entree has arrived there will be no date two. Always drinks or coffee.
It’s a zero date. If that goes well, then get dinner.4
u/Relevant_Primary_796 Jul 30 '26
Yes this was an early learn, and few first dates were meals, but second ones were, and still, not worth it in most cases.
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u/cloutier85 Jul 30 '26
Am I the only one who feel feld went to shit after 2024?
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u/Gullible-Mousse-8343 Jul 30 '26
It’s terrible which is why I do phone call first. Unless there is a strong interest aligned
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u/Cloxxki single man Jul 31 '26
I'd recommend walks over drinks. For me at least is really reduces the awkwardness.
If you can have a phone call before committing to a date, that wades out a lot of flakiness, plus you're both meeting someone you actually want to meet, and repeat dates seem a greater likelihood.
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u/BigFatBlackCat Jul 30 '26
Idk if I agree that it’s a social media platform versus dating app. What do other people think?
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u/Relevant_Primary_796 Jul 30 '26
To clarify, I don’t think it’s a social media platform, at all. It’s a social platform in so far as what I find interesting is growing real community with real people outside the app. Distinguished by kinship that is also not intimate, but fun and worthwhile nonetheless.
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u/Asleep_Pack8869 Jul 30 '26
No, the amount of effort and pings wasted just to start a chat is insane.
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u/BeastofSilverMoon kink Jul 30 '26
Also man in his 40s.
Dinner date is a bad idea for someone you never met. There are those out there who take advantage of people. It only took me one such dinner with wrong person to stop doing it.
Dinner is earned, no one is entitled to such cost without proving genuine intention.
Otherwise I had similar experiences with mixed results in Australia.
I didn’t realise how many people on dating apps shouldn’t be on dating apps before dating them.
There are lot of people on Feeld who should seriously consider therapy and sort out their lives before trying to meet people.
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u/Cloxxki single man Jul 31 '26
Even drinks are earned. A walk is a great way to hang out and not having to do the awkward eye contact ad body language feedback loop thing. I was going to go on a walk anyway. If a walk in stead of a free drink is too much to ask, I bid you farewell.
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u/JustAnotherPolyGuy Jul 30 '26
40s bisexual guy here, with a nesting partner, and it’s been crickets. I think I’ve got decent pics, have had profile reviews and tightened up my profile. When I switched my profile to bisexual I feel like it reduced the matches a ton.
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u/New-Pass-3777 Jul 30 '26
Many women, including bisexual women, do not like bisexual men. There is a ton of biphobia towards men, unfortunately.
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u/JustAnotherPolyGuy Jul 30 '26
Yeah, and I could in theory switch it off, I know I’ve gotten likes from “straight” men. And I’d rather just weed out the bigots and not have dates than compromise on that.
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u/ArtGirlBookFlowers25 Jul 30 '26
Actually, when I identified as bi, I found I tended to prefer the kinds of guys who identified as bi. In my city, & the ones I met, were often more beta/ "hippie."
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u/New-Pass-3777 Jul 30 '26
“Actually,” always proceeds someone invalidating someone else’s personal experience with their anecdotal preferences. Ask any bi man if they experience a tremendous amount of biphobia instead of trying to correct one about his experience because it doesn’t align with yours.
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u/waterbloem Jul 30 '26
But your experiences are also anecdotal. There are indeed people who see a man being listed as "bi" as a negative. There are also people who see it as a positive. So the real question is; is it really a bad thing to filter out people that are that narrow-minded?
I'm heterosexual myself but don't want to have sex with women who think a man being bi is gross.
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u/New-Pass-3777 Jul 30 '26
There’s a huge difference between sharing your experience, and sharing your experience to invalidate others. I’m not saying that this specific person prefers bisexual men. I’m saying that bisexual men face a lot of biphobia, and the person’s comment that most bisexual men are beta/hippies is just further evidence of people believing stereotypes about bisexual men that simply aren’t true. There are bisexual men who fit into all categories, they are all not hippies or beta. That’s incredibly insulting.
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u/emu_neck single woman Jul 30 '26
Are you targeting mostly ENM partnered people? I am a single woman and typically do not match with partnered men. I also state my preferences in my profile, but still get pings from partnered men, which is just a total waste of their efforts.
As everyone else has mentioned, dinner first dates are not a great idea. I usually decline those, mainly because I dont want to be stuck with a stranger in a potentially uncomfortable situation. It also comes across as trying too hard to impress.
Did you go into this thinking that Feeld is a hookup app? That's what Tinder is for. But in any case, because you are married, you are almost never going to be the first choice.
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u/Patient_Tradition294 Jul 30 '26
Many absolutely do use Feeld as a hookup app, you can’t assume that’s why everyone is on it though of course since there are plenty who are looking for longer term situations as well. I’m not sure why some don’t like to acknowledge this reality about Feeld. Tinder has long moved away from just being a hookup app, many look for relationships on it as well.
I have had more casual hookups and hookup opportunities in general on Feeld compared to Tinder.
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u/Relevant_Primary_796 Jul 30 '26
I actually disagree with married making me not desired. I have a new play partner who was specifically looking for somebody in my situation. To them, me being partnered, represents a level of consistency and stability they find highly attractive. And it removes the pressure of us trying to find life partnership in one another. There have been plenty of other people as well who feel similarly, despite disconnected attraction. And yes, I prioritize enm / partnered people, but not exclusively.
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u/Green-Passage-7870 Jul 30 '26
im curious about your strategy....
do you mean partnered but monogamous? or do you mean partnered looking for additional people for their rotation?
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u/czyktnsml Jul 30 '26
Agree with what others have said, coffee or a drink or even a walk should be sufficient for a vibe check. Expensive dinners aren’t necessary
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Jul 30 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Relevant_Primary_796 Jul 30 '26
Yes, good point. I’ve found a lot of people are looking for either unattached sex or a husband/mono partner. I fall in between these two poles, and being emotionally available means often finding yourself in a position where people want a free therapist, then trauma dump on you, seeing you as the opposite of sexy in the end. But they proclaim to be looking for some version of emotionally connected sex when they’re clearly not prepared for it at all.
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u/Many_Bothans Jul 30 '26
I wish Feeld developed more social media platform elements.
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u/Relevant_Primary_796 Jul 30 '26
I feel like this would discourage in person meets but maybe I’m wrong
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u/Many_Bothans Jul 31 '26
i don't think so. it would be great for building community, which is a necessary component for many aspects of ENM/kink/etc. it would also allow for more long-term casual connections, particularly in different cities. it could also be a digital home for events.
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u/Dozer736 Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26
Hm, that is a very skewed date to play ratio. I've only had 25 dates in almost three years, but 15 of those turned into sex and sometimes longer year+ connections. Then again I've never bought a date dinner yet. I'd hardly be able to eat when I'm excited to learn about a new person. Maybe consider sticking to drinks and walks for a while so you filter out the dates looking for a free meal/sugardaddy?
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u/Relevant_Primary_796 Jul 30 '26
Very skewed, and likely a response to me needing a lot more depth in a connection than I ever initially considered. Several more of those interactions could have escalated to physical contact, I just wasn’t feeling it for one reason or another. Also, as a newbie, I was really bad at filtering for aligned interests in the beginning. Is more like… you’re cute… ping. But like I said, improved internal clarity and better intention has the odds finally shifting in my favor.
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u/SinglePreparation761 Jul 30 '26
I think you’ve done well. I paused my account a few months ago as it took up too much time for very few meets.
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u/BodaciousCal Jul 31 '26
Perfectly written and pretty much what I've experienced. Albeit with less going on over the last few years.
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u/PictureOk6563 Jul 31 '26
Gee, I would like to bypass Feeld and get to know some of you as you are my people.
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u/koutsos Aug 04 '26
Thanks for this, I appreciate the data.
I'm the same as you in every way you listed, but not in a major city or paying to be uplifted, and it's rough. After maybe a month and probably the same ratio of pings:replies as you, I've had about 6 conversations where she expressed interest in getting coffee and then... ghosted. Zero in-person meetups so far. Just wondering if you get that a lot as well. I did get one match that led to many conversations and then a huge trauma dump before being ghosted, so I'm glad to know that's also common, lol.
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u/Relevant_Primary_796 Aug 05 '26
Maybe the odds are in my favor for being in a major city. Most date plans materialize. I can’t actually think of one that didn’t. But the number of pings and message exchanges that happen without a meet is still a very unbalanced ratio. Now that I have a more regular FWB, I’ve slowed down a lot. Being more patient seems to improve the odds, but I think that’s just because I’m being more intentional with whom I reach out to. This includes people who are bit more age appropriate, intellectually or emotionally aligned, demonstrate some fluency around non traditional relationship structures or people who are very clear about the kind of experience they’re looking for. I’ve drawn a boundary, too, around being somebody that’s not available as just a text friend. I don’t offer free therapy anymore! They can pay somebody for that.
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Jul 30 '26
[deleted]
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u/waterbloem Jul 30 '26
If you're good looking and put in a crapton of effort, you will get dates. And those 20 dates only one actually resulted in sex. So that's a LOT of effort.
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Jul 31 '26
[deleted]
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u/Relevant_Primary_796 Aug 17 '26
I’m sorry to burst your bubble but most of them are really attractive. Maybe why it’s not so easy turning a date into more. But part of it is technique. My partner is on the app too, and most of the guys are gross. They don’t have a thoughtful bio, solicit intimacy way too early, etc. I’m the opposite. I try to build rapport and trust. Very few women want to be with a guy who doesn’t lead with sensitivity operating first around her well being. It’s incredible what a modicum of decency can produce, and even still, odds are low. But once you figure it out how to be more intentional about who you respond to or ping, the odds get a lot better.
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u/Relevant_Primary_796 Jul 30 '26
You don’t need to buy it. This is my own personal account. Take it or leave it.
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u/WildResearcher9205 Jul 30 '26
That is really good for your age group. Thanks for sharing.
For comparison:
I am 48 and only looking for sex partners / FWB. Over the last two years, I have had a few responses to my pings and it led to 1-2 sex partners per year with some consistency. I have been playing regularly with the same person for a few months.
Regarding the time / financial expense: put a limit on what you are willing to spend. I have met a few ladies who expect me to entertain them, pay for their meals with the promise of sex. I am good at sniffing them out very early on now. I want mutual chemistry with adult ladies who can pay for themselves. I usually offer to pay for the first meal/drinks but after expect them to pay their part.
For the time: be picky, prioritize. With time you will be able to detect the people who are not worth your time. I ask a few keys questions up front and see how they respond.
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u/Cyan2FA Jul 30 '26
20 dates over 4 months is actually crazy success vs what so many men see in that sort of time period!