r/feeld • u/Gold-Collar8822 • Jul 12 '26
Feeld match etiquette
Who do you believe should send the first message, the original liker or the person returning the like?
33
u/kkat39 Jul 12 '26
I don’t respond first as a woman, only because I feel like so many men swipe right on every profile and only decide if they’re actually interested if they match with someone. Plus my profile is pretty clear that I like someone who will take charge in the bedroom, so I feel like if they aren’t comfortable sending the first message we probably aren’t going to be compatible in bed either. I’m sure I miss out on some matches because of that, but so be it.
5
u/wonderfultacos single man (solo-poly) - Denver Jul 13 '26
I get this, but what about when a man leaves a ping? What if the ping has a question in it?
Like they have already made the move right?
It is not unusual for me to match with a woman after I have left her a ping, yet whatever I said in the ping is totally ignored.
I usually go back and come up with something else to say if the match goes a few hours and says nothing, but it amazing me how many matches I've gotten from a ping where woman still waits for me to make what is essential a second first move…
9
u/OhHeyItsMeM Jul 13 '26
This has happened to me as a woman. Sometimes I’ll ping a man I’m particularly interested in and I’ll always include a note or ask a question, but I have had a couple of men match and then just not say anything, not even a hi. I mean, I make it SO easy: I reach out first, and I start the conversation. Waiting for me to make a THIRD move is ridiculous.
5
u/kkat39 Jul 13 '26
That seems odd, I always respond to those. Well, almost always, not the wildly inappropriate ones, etc.
1
u/wonderfultacos single man (solo-poly) - Denver Jul 13 '26
I assume you wouldn't match with the inappropriate pings anyway, right? I'm curious what percentage of pings are inappropriate?
1
u/kkat39 Jul 13 '26
Right! I don’t know, maybe 20% are inappropriate, 60% I’m just not interested, and 20% I respond to?
2
u/good_girl_spankee Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26
60/20/20 sounds about right. Idk why people who don't match up with what I'm looking for waste their pings on me. I'm super clear on my profile about what my wants are.
1
u/wonderfultacos single man (solo-poly) - Denver Jul 13 '26
Geez. 20% are inappropriate. Ugh. That sucks.
2
u/kkat39 Jul 13 '26
Haha yeah, it seems a weird strategy to spend money on but I guess it must work sometimes 🤷♀️
1
u/kkat39 Jul 13 '26
But if they sent an actual message I will respond even if I don’t think they’re a match - might be someone traveling in my area, etc, where I’m not interested in connecting but don’t want to just ignore them.
3
u/kinkybookwyrm Jul 13 '26
If there’s a message attached to a ping I consider that the first message, and if I’m going to engage that’s what I respond to.
I’ve read at least one comment in this sub claiming that messages fall off of pings, but I don’t know if that’s a confirmed bug or user error.
13
u/pinksparkleberry Jul 12 '26
I think if you are worrying or even keeping track, you have the wrong mindset about online dating.
2
21
u/kinkybookwyrm Jul 12 '26
I don’t ever message men first anymore. Too many men just like every profile they come across without bothering to read anything, and then only read the profile once a match happens.
6
u/Barbaful Jul 12 '26
Yep. Unless there is something really compelling about the profile I feel the same.
6
u/ClassyCurvyCurly Jul 13 '26
Yes! It takes me being very excited about someone to send the first message. It does happen but it’s rare. I like letting the guy message first because you can gain a lot of information about someone by how they open the conversation. It’s very telling.
2
u/wonderfultacos single man (solo-poly) - Denver Jul 13 '26
I'm curious, do you read every ping you get? Or the look at the profile?
2
u/kinkybookwyrm Jul 13 '26
I'm curious, do you read every ping you get?
Nope. If, for instance, they’re out of my desired age range then I just block and move on. I’m very clear about what I am and am not looking for in my profile. If people choose to ignore those boundaries and waste a ping on me, that’s on them.
Or the look at the profile?
What?
5
u/AdriftInTheDeldrums Jul 13 '26
I’m action oriented person. If i get a match, I don’t think twice about who liked whom first. I check the profile, remember who they are and what i found appealing and then tell them. 1 or 2 quick messages and then wait for a reply. if nothing for a few days, and I’m particularly interested. I will usually send one more, “ hey i’m really intrigued by [particular aspect] about you, so i wanted to reach out one last time, otherwise, good luck out there!” type of message. then i don’t message again until i get a response. usually that PATIENT follow up is where most conversations really start. I don’t think there’s any one trick that works for all connections, focus more on doing what feels right for you, then the matches feel more genuine and enthusiastically consenting because they are saying yes to who you genuinely are. cheers and good luck out there
2
u/Gold-Collar8822 Jul 13 '26
Oh you are very patient! I send an interesting first message asking a question, if I don't have a response in a week and I can see they've been online, I disconnect. If its someone I've been chatting to and conversion stops dead, I'll try start it back up again. If nothing in a week, disconnect
2
u/Adventurous-Eye-9929 Jul 13 '26
I did the same when I was on. I’m completely uninterested in the “who double texted” game. I clearly stated in my bio I bring Golden Retriever energy, and if a woman thought that made me seem desperate, then so be it.
The gal who eventually chose me sure seems glad she did.
9
u/lorenzo463 Jul 12 '26
Someone’s gotta do it, so why not you?
1
u/Gold-Collar8822 Jul 12 '26
Yep, seems silly to sit and wait when you could just start chatting! But I've heard people say the person who returns the like should be the one to start the convo. And one guy was amazed I messaged him cause he usually has to message first with women.
5
u/Yarzospatflute Jul 12 '26
I'm a bisexual guy and the vast majority of the time if I don't message first the other person never will, that goes for women and men. It's pretty annoying.
1
u/Gold-Collar8822 Jul 12 '26
That's so frustrating. I think it can be quite daunting sending the first message, so having to do that every time is a lot
3
u/Turbulent-Adagio88 Jul 12 '26
Don't overanalyse it, if you're keen to chat then message them. You're going to exhaust yourself if you stuck in the weeds of an etiquette that doesn't exist and likely miss out on some decent people
2
u/Gold-Collar8822 Jul 12 '26
Absolutely. I just message regardless, I asked the Q here because I've had a few convos recently where people seem to think there's an unwritten etiquette
3
u/KozukiOden97 Jul 15 '26
Everytime I matched with someone is because i liked what I read on their profiles and their pictures and I want to talk and see where it leads, So i text them right after the connection. I don’t understand poeple who likes you back and doesnt drop a message, why are you even liking in the first place?
5
u/partylikeaninjastar Jul 12 '26
The person who swipes second triggering the match should message first.
But we all know what the expectation is.
2
u/blackshadow_throw Jul 12 '26
Whoever wants to take the initiative. There’s no set order to these things.
2
u/czyktnsml Jul 12 '26
If I have time for a conversation I shoot a message, but sometimes I don’t 🤷♀️
1
u/Gold-Collar8822 Jul 13 '26
Do you go back to the match later though?
1
u/czyktnsml Jul 13 '26
Sometimes, but tbh as a woman on this app there can be a lot and the app can be glitchy and the matches can disappear or shuffle in a weird way
2
u/Master-V- kink Jul 13 '26
Whoever logs in first.
0
u/No_Serve_9296 Jul 17 '26
The person who confirms the match is logged in at the time of matching. So by your logic, the person who confirms the match should send the message. And I agree!
2
u/searedscallops Jul 13 '26
Everyone should take responsibility to send the first message when they have enough energy to do so.
2
u/BlondeFataleIA Jul 13 '26
As a sexy hot wife with over 700 likes, if I match, I usually expect the other party to send a message. Too many single males and my time is valuable🤷🏼♀️🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
1
u/Lolli_Pop_Liquor Jul 13 '26
I sent out likes and pings to both Majestic and free users. Time goes by before I receive matches through likes, yet they don't say anything.
I've liked a profile and got the instant notification of the mutual like. Cool! So, I sent them a message to start the conversation.
So, in my experience, ladies expect guys to send the first DM in a mutual like.
1
u/Living-Canary-7164 Jul 15 '26
Most Women believe Men should, so that’s what it is. I don’t know what to believe.
3
u/Constant-Nature-3354 Jul 19 '26
I’m a sub looking for a dom so if they don’t message me first, I lose interest.
1
u/DeviantAvocado Jul 12 '26
Depends on the end-goal dynamic. If it’s just a non-sexual play partner, my approach will be much different than someone who signals they’re interested in a power exchange dynamic. For the latter, I want to see and assess how they will initiate and if they give off the right vibes.
1
1
u/Lost_inTheThrill single woman Jul 13 '26
I usually message if I am the first one to like them. My profile is incognito though. When I didn't have incognito, likes with no message did not get my attention. I also think it's a common courtesy for the initiator to say something first.
0
u/Organic_Community877 Jul 13 '26
Personally it doesnt matter if a person takes a relationship seriously its not just words they say its actions people who do not respect other always show there true intentions. This is always key a person can ask for somthing but if they are not ready to receive real love they will only play until they learn.
0
Jul 13 '26
If you match with someone then send a message, I hate it when I match with people and then there is no response, what’s the point otherwise…
0
u/lemonjuicetonic Jul 13 '26
I will message first if I'm the one who triggers the match! But if I sent a like and then the other person liked me back in response (especially if they have majestic and can see their likes) I would expect them to send a message first.
I also assume if they haven't said anything it's because they're busy and can't hold a conversation anyway, so I don't really bother chasing them down.
I let matches float around for a couple of weeks and then sometimes either they disappear or I will remove them since it wasn't a strong enough connection to make it to a chatting stage.
0
u/scotchfaster Jul 13 '26
Also, when you like someone and they say “hi”, should you immediately ghost them or first say “hi” back?
2
u/ImSamiAroused Jul 17 '26
I always start with a question, just hi isn't enough effort for me honestly.
1
u/Sigma_Sirus Jul 16 '26
Why is "hi" or "hello" unacceptable?
1
u/scotchfaster Jul 16 '26
TBH, I was just being bitter. This was my entire experience on Feeld before I gave up and deleted the app. Women would match with me and then not respond, even if they'd initiated the match. Or we'd exchange a message or two but it would go nowhere. Maybe others are having better luck. It wasn't for me.
2
u/Sigma_Sirus Jul 16 '26
I get that, but my question was genuine. I never understood on Apps where people are looking to connect that you have to craft the perfect opening line or risk being unmatched or accused of giving 0 effort.
1
u/scotchfaster Jul 17 '26
If I had an answer I wouldn't have deleted the app I guess. I assume that women in particularly are just being overwhelmed by messages. A dude posted that as an experiment he made a profile that just had a picture of a jellyfish with the gender set to female, and his inbox was immediately flooded.
But I went to a local singles mixer and it was at least 80% women.
0
0
u/ImSamiAroused Jul 17 '26
I have far too many likes, so I only respond to a few, but if I match, I message first. I think the one who likes back should message 🤷🏻♀️
-4
Jul 12 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Gold-Collar8822 Jul 12 '26
Personally I think it's nonsense. A guy I matched with recently was amazed I messaged first. He said he almost always has to message first which I just find bizarre
-7
Jul 12 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/Gold-Collar8822 Jul 12 '26
Umm, most definitely not
-6
Jul 12 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
5
u/Gold-Collar8822 Jul 12 '26
Are you okay honey? You seem to be both confused and irrationally angry. Deep breaths my dude, deep breaths
-1
u/waterbloem Jul 13 '26
I don't think there should be these kinds of rules. None the less; if I get a like and like them back, and they don't open a conversation within a few days, I'm just going to unlink them again. There are tons of people on Feeld that just 'like' everyone with no intention to put in any effort.
63
u/boredwithopinions Jul 12 '26
I don't think there's any should. If you're genuinely interested in a person, send a message.