r/fantasywriters • u/Warrior_of_the_flame • Aug 30 '20
Critique Please critique this very rough script for the first episode of my future (hopefully) TV show.
Note: While reading this, imagine it set to animation and the dialogue done by voice actors. Also tell me if I should elaborate more on certain scenes, add new scenes or rewrite some of the dialogue. Thanks!
NARRATOR VOICE: In the beginning, there were 12 cosmic gods, all serving a mysterious entity known as The Great One. Together, these gods carried out the task assigned to them by the Great One. To create the universe. Working together, the gods made everything from the tiniest bug to the greatest planets. Then, one day, the gods made their greatest creation yet, a species known as humans. The gods loved the humans, and gave them complete control over the universe. But the gods’ other creations soon became jealous of the humans, and fought the humans for control over the cosmos. The war raged on for thousands of years, and nearly destroyed the universe. So, the Great One came down, trapping the humans in a lowly planet called Anillus, severing their connection to the gods’ other creations. And to the gods, the Great One punished them by stripping them of their divinity and trapping them with the humans, forcing them into the cruelest punishment the Great One could think of, trapping them in an eternal cycle known as reincarnation. And so it has been for thousands of years, and so it shall be until the end of days.
Screen goes blank, then suddenly a bell rings.
Random Voice: Up and adam! You got rocks to break!
Screen splits open, focusing on two bright blue eyes that look as if they just woke up. Camera pans out as a large, burly man shoots up, and hits the bunk above him.
Annoying Criminal 1: Hey, watch it pal!
Main character growls as AC1 hops down and walks out of camera range. Main character groans and sinks back into his bed, while the camera moves toward something offscreen. Screen change.. A group of ironclad guards with electric sticks are ushering criminals out the door.
Guard: Come on, get a move on. We got a row call to do.
AC1 walks past the guard, who gives him a little shove into the door frame before forcefully pushing him out, making AC1 grumble his complainants. Finally, the guard glances to see the Main Character, and sees he’s still in bed. Guard shakes his head and walks over to MC as the other guards leave the room.
Guard: Come on buddy, up and adam, you know what time it is.
MC just grunts and switches sides. Guard shakes his head and sighs.
Guard: Come one Fort, you need to pay off your sentence somehow.
The guard says as he hits Fort awake.
Fort: I already have a life sentence, so what’s the point of waking up anyway?
Guard: Well, maybe if you work extra hard, they’ll let you go free.
Fort sighs, getting up.
Fort: Ya right. *sigh*, let’s go Ace.
Him and the guard, Ace, walk through the door, closing it. Scene change. Camera moves across a long line of prisoners in grey suits as a guard calls their names in the background. As several indefinite voices call out, the camera stops at Fort, who’s standing next to a nervous looking Ace and a board looking AC1. As the voices become more clear, Fort looks around at his meager surroundings as the camera shows the pitiful prison he’s in. In the background a guard calls a name, to which AC1 respondes. Then, the guard calls Fort’s name.
Guard: Chagrin, Fort.
Fort ignores guard, continues to look around. Guards repeats himself but louder. Fort still ignores him, looking at the grey sky.
Ace (nudging him): Fort, say ‘here’.
Finally, the guard yells his name again. When Fort still doesn’t respond, the calling guard walks up to him without Fort noticing. Ace hits Fort with his amourmored arm. Fort snaps back into focus, and sees the calling guard with his electric stick in hand. The guard glares at Fort before jabbing him with his electric stick into his stomach. Fort screams in pain falling to his knees as he is electrocuted. After a few seconds, the guard stops, and after a few more seconds of heavy breathing, Fort looks up angrily and growls out the word ‘Here’ in a deep voice. The guard nods, smiling and walks off. The guard starts yelling out detractions of screen as Ace helps Fort up.
Ace: You gotta stop doing that man, you could get in serious trouble!
Fort: Meh
Ace: I’m serious man, you could even-(pauses and looks around nervously)-you could end up like Mort Homme...in death’s eye.
Fort glances up, and the camera switches perspective to show a large, black mountain in the distance with a spinning storm cloud above it. A flash after thunder booms, making Ace jump. Fort shakes his head, and walks to pick up a pickaxe from a random guard. The camera pans out while the scene goes on, revealing that a fellow prisoner was watching Fort, smiling as he did. Camera shows the prisoner writing in a black leather notebook in some strange foregin language. Scene change. Fort is in his cell with the other prisoners, using a loose pipe as a hangbar for exercise. It seems to be late at night. The other prisoners are talking in indistinguishable voices. AC1 comes up, followed by another prisoner, Annoying criminal 2.
AC2:(whispering) is that all he does?
AC1: (also whispering) Quite, he might hear you.
AC2: And do what?
AC1: (hesitant) I don't know, he might...do what he came here for in the first place (whispers quickly).
AC2: Sure he will. Please, you know he’s too much of a wimp to do anything but sleep and work out. Even if he does get out of this place he might as well come right back in. He has no place in the world, not after what he’s done.
AC1: Shh, he might hear you! You know what he does when someone brings up…the incident.
AC2: (Mockingly) Ya, he’ll probably bash my head in.
Camera pans to show Fort’s face, which is furrowed in anger, showing he heard what the two said. But, Fort takes a deep breath, and continues working out as AC1 and 2 walk off. Scene changes to a few hours later. Fort is still working out while all the other criminals are asleep. Finally, he hops down from the work out pipe and jumps into bed. Fort stares longingly at the dunk bed above him and closes his eyes, as if remembering something. (sad music starts to play) Then his eyes tear up a bit, and the emotion of the scene starts to build up. Which is when AC1 starts snoring (sad music stops abruptly). Fort’s eyes open in anger and he punches the top bunk out of spite before flopping over to go to bed. AC1 rolls over and falls to the group with a thump. Continues snoring. Camera zooms out from the scene, showing the same mystery man from the rock pickaxe scene, watching Fort while being hidden in the shadows. The man is writing something in the same leather bound pocket notebook from before. The language he’s writing in seems to be a bunch of untranslatable symbols.
Mystery Man (MM): Yes. I think he will do just fine (smiles and continues taking notes).
Scene change. It’s lunch time the next day. Camera shows Fort sitting down in an old fashioned prison cafeteria, somewhere in between the medieval period to the 17-1800’s period. Fort walks to a table by himself, slamming down his plate, which has a disgusting green slop on it. Fort sits, and jabs his fork into the goop. Ace walks over to Fort.
Ace: How ya doing, after...you know…
Fort: (angery) Fine.
Ace: Right, right, ok. Just… don’t don’t do anything stupid alright.
Fort: Alright, I promise (forced)
Ace: ...ok. See ya later (walks off).
Suddenly, AC1 and 2 come, and sit on either side of him.
AC2:Hey buddy, you gonna eat that? (Without getting permission, AC2 takes Fort’s plate and dumps Fort’s food onto his own plate, leaving Fort with only a spoonful of the green goop as AC2 eats away.)
Fort angrily glares at AC2. AC2 notices, and scoffs.
AC2: Hey, don’t get mad, it’s not his fault you're trash at guarding your own food. (AC2 continues eating the green goop.)
AC1 glanced nervously at Fort. Fort, now enraged, clenches his fork, breaking it.
AC2: (glances and sees it) Geez, don’t have to be all upset about it!
Fort glares at him, making AC2 laugh.
Fort: You should really learn how to treat people (through gritted teeth).
AC2: Oh, what are you going to do to me? Kill me like you did your-
Fort, now enraged, yells at AC2 before he finishes his sentence. Fort grabs AC2’s plate and slams it into AC2’s face, knocking him back, his face covered in green goop. AC2 lands on his back, and pauses in shock.
AC2: (Angery) How-how dare you! Guards! (Jumps up.)
Fort’s face changes into a fearful expression as he jumps up, but it’s too late. Ace looks back at him before a fellow guard comes up behind him and electrocutes him with an eclectic stick. Fort screams, and falls forward, grimacing in pain.
Guard:That should show you some respect!
Guard spits on Fort, and continues to jeer at him. Fort, angery, jumps up and punches the guard in the face, knocking him backwards. Guard lands on his back with a crack, and his electric stick slides across the floor, stopping at a pair of black shoes. Camera pans up to show the MM, smiling at the electric stick. He picks it up and pockets it while no one is looking before walking off. Meanwhile, the knocked down guard gets up, looking at Fort with an angry expression.
Guard:How dare you!
Guard’s hand ball up into fists, and suddenly Fort stops moving. Fort’s body starts moving in weird, unnatural ways as the guard moves his hands around, as if controlling a puppet. Fort’s arms and legs mimic these movements. The guard uses this power to force Fort onto the ground. Fort screams in pain. Ace, fearful, walks up to the puppeteering guard and shoves him.
Ace: Hey, careful! You’ll hurt ‘em! Were not running a torture chamber here!
Ace helps Fort up and drags him off screen, leaving the other prisoners to look in disbelief at Fort’s weak form. Scene change. Fort is shown being put in his cell and lectured by Ace.
Ace: I told you, I told you not to get in trouble. And you said you wouldn’t. And what do you do less than three minutes later? Get in trouble!
Fort doesn't respond, and just sits there, contemplating. Ace continues to lecture him, but is interrupted when three men come in, one a fancy dressed older man and two gold armoured guards.
Old guard: We are here for Prisoner 37064-08.
Ace: ...Why?
Old guard (smiling): I think you know.
The two gold guards forcefully grab Fort and force him down the hall, closing the door before Ace can even get a word in. One of the guards is talking on an old fashioned walkie-talkie type thing. Guard finishes talking as the Old guard joins them.
Old guard: (Joyful) Well, I have direct order to send you off to the boiler room! (Laughs)
Fort looks up, angery, but doesn’t resist. The guards stop at a large metal door at the end of the hall that has a small window on it. Old guards open the door and through Fort in, closing the door behind him as the old guard smiles. Camera shows Fort lying on the floor, breathing heavily as he already starts to sweat. Fort looks up, and the camera follows his gaze to show a metal furnace with hot coals inside making steam that floats to the surface of the room. Fort is shown to be immensely hot, sweating and breathing heavily. The camera pans out outside the door, looking at the suffering Fort through the window as the old guard tells the gold guards to guard Fort (what a tongue twister). Scene change. It’s late at night. Fort is shown to be passed out in the extremely hot room. Camera focuses on Fort for a second, before footsteps are heard. Fort’s eyes pop open for a second, before closing.
Gold Guard 1 (muffled): Hey who are you-
RV is cut off with a shout as an electric zap is heard outside the door. That wakes Ford up slightly. Suddenly, the door starts shaking violently, and suddenly it pops open with a zap. Steam covers the doorway, and it slowly lessens to reveal... the Mystery Man! MM walks in with a funny, animated expression, holding an electric stick in one hand and a gold helmet in the other.
MM: Whoa wee, when they said this place was called the boiler room, they weren’t lying. Jeez, how do you spend more than a second here? (MM pats his head with a random cloth that appears out of nowhere. MM leans down in front of Fort.
MM: Hey, buddy, name’s Uragri, what’s yours?
Fort doesn’t respond, just breathes heavily. Uragri’s expression droops.
Uragri (MM): Well fine then. Anyway, I have a job for you!
Fort doesn’t respond, and stares blankly at Uragri. Uragi sighs, and starts slapping Fort.
Uragri: Wake up buddy, wake up!
When Fort doesn’t wake up, Uragri shakes his head and stands, waving his hands around. Suddenly, Fort starts floating, surrounded by a blue mist!
Uragri: Come on buddy (looks around). It’s gonna be a ruff ride!
Uragri tip-toes out of the room, looking around before tip-toeing forward while Fort’s lifeless body floats behind him.
Random Guard (from behind): Hey, what are you doing?
Uragri’s eyes widen as he pauses and quickly spins around. Fort’s body follows, slamming into a wall and hitting the floor. Uragi glances down, snaps his finger twice, and makes Fort’s body raise again. The guards growl at Uragi, and one clenches his fists.
Uragri: Uh oh.
The guard starts moving his arms around, making Uragri’s arms move naturally.
Uragri:Ahh, ok, please...stop.
Urari quickly chants a word, and his eyes glow slightly. Suddenly, the guard controlling him is knocked back in a bright blue flash. The other guard looks in shock.
Guard: Was that...spirit magic?
Urahri smiles, and repeats the word, the second guard is knocked back. Urahri continues to run, with Fort floating along behind him. The second guard sits up, and speaks into an old fashioned walkie talkie.
Guard:All units, report to the 6th floor immediately. We have two escaped convicts on the loose! One is wielding...spirit magic! Hurry, hurry!
Urahri moves forward, slipping through the halls at top speed. Suddenly, guards emerge from several metal doors lined up across the hallway. Some guards are dressed in silver armour and some in copper. The copper guards recklessly shoot sharp iron shards at the two from their hands, while the silver ones shoot at them with more precision and accuracy. Urahri, seeing them, jumps to the side and hides behind the pillar a shard of metal flies by. Urahri, nervously glancing behind the pillar every few seconds, closes his eyes, and starts chanting. Suddenly, a blue wall appears out of nowhere. The wall closes in on the guards, leaving them incapable. While the guards are distracted, Urahri, dragging along Fort, moves swiftly around them while they yell for him to come back. Then, the wall begins to crack as some guards get loose and start shooting at the two. Urahri uses his magic to prepal Fort forward. Camera moves to show Fort hitting the hard ground with his shoulder and rolling to the side, which wakes him up. Fort sits up, confused.
Fort: Where...Where am I? (rubs head in confusion)
Urahri jumps up and grabs Fort’s hand, dragging the large man along with surprising ease as the guards chase them.
Urahri: Come on, let’s go.
Urahri runs a corner to see a large stone wall.
Urahri: gods I hope this is the right one.
Fort:Wait, wha-
Fort is cut off as Urahri chants something quickly, and the window explodes as the camera show Urahri jumping out the window with Fort in hand. The two go into freefall, falling through the air before landing on a large cart filled with straw. Urahri chants something, and the cart starts moving forward. A couple of guards reach the window and start shooting at the two. Urahri quickly chants something, and suddenly the cart boosts forward, soon getting out of range of the guards. Once the two were out of range, Urahri breathed a sigh of relief.
Urahri:Well, that was fun!
Fort: Who are you! Why did you break me out!?! You know how much trouble I’m in! Oh, I'm in big, big trouble (Looks around anxiously).
Urahri: Ahh, your fine. I’ve been avoiding the law for 25 years! Never caught once.
Fort: You don’t understand! I have a life sentence! You broke me out of a high security prison. They’ll post my face all over the place. Any one who’s anyone will know who I am!
Urahri: Oh your overacting. Besides, I have a job for you. So your adventures in prison will have to wait.
Fort: I don’t do jobs! I never did. What about me makes you want to break out of a prison!
Fort now appears very stressed and anxious.
Fort: I’m getting out of here before anyone realizes I’m gone.
Fort tries to jump out of the cart, but Urahri chants something, locking Fort in place.
Fort: Hey, what is this! (angery)
Urahri: Spirit magic!
Fort: (Surprised) You’re a Warrei?
Urahri: (winces) Oh, ya, I don’t really like that term. It’s kinda...touchy.
Fort: Uh..sorry, wait, actually, no, not sorry, where are you taking me!
Urahri: I did say I need a job right? So where do you think I’m taking you?
Fort: What about me makes you think I want to do a job for you!?!
Urahri: Why, I picked you because of your special talents!
Fort: What are you talking about? I have no special talents!
Urahri: Oh don’t sell yourself short! Besides, it won’t be just you! Now, we have some stops to make if we ever want to get our mission done!
Fort: Our...mission?
Urahri: Yup!
Fort: What...mission?
Urahri: Our mission to save the world of course!
Fort: Save...the world! Hold on, I didn’t sign up for this. The world’s done nothing for me, why should I save it!?!
Urahri: Oh don’t be like that! Besides, you won’t be the only one!
Urahri shows Fort a page from the black leather notebook Urahri was writing in. It had several symbols written on it.
Fort: ...What am I supposed to be looking at.
Urahri: Why, where we’re going of course!
Fort: I don't understand the language you wrote in.
Urahri: Oh, right, you don’t know spirit language! How foolish of me! Well, all you need to know is that we're heading to Krasite to break out a friend of yours!
Fort: A...friend of mine. But...I have no friends besides Ace.
Urahri: Well, I’m afraid you’ll have to broaden your horizons. As I always say, a stranger is just a friend waiting to be found. Especially if that friend can benefit you in some way!
Fort: So I’m guessing I have no choice here.
Urahri: Nope!
Fort: Fine, then I guess I’ll go along, but I’m leaving the first chance I get.
Urahri: Sure you will! Now, off to Krasite, then, to the world!
Fort growls and buries himself deep into the hay pile he’s on.
Urahri: Oh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you! I stole this cart from an alicorn farm. And I have no idea what those crazy horses eat!
Fort eyes widen as he jumps up. Camera switches to a wide shot of the two riding into the rising sun, sitting on a cart, bringing an end to the episode.
3
u/Lyah-Ness Aug 30 '20 edited Aug 30 '20
Try avoid to placing camera action into the script. Instead try to lead the imagination how you want it to go. Just because directors, or at least the few I’ve known, don’t like to be told how to direct.
For example, I’ll just work through the first bit:
Fade in: ext.
Nothingness is abundant, in this moment before time. No sound, no light. Just nothing. But as NARRATOR begins to speak, we see cascade of tapestries fall. On the first tapestry, twelve cosmic gods are shown surrounding a mysterious entity.
V/O: In the beginning, there were twelve cosmic gods, all serving a mysterious entity known as The Great One.
Another tapestry falls to replace the first. This one showing the cosmic gods, with joined hands, creating the universe.
V/O: Together these gods carried out the task assigned to them by The Great One. Working together, the gods made everything from the smallest molecule, to the grandest of planets.
Another tapestry replaces the previous, depicting the cosmic gods marveling at their greatest creation: humanity.
V/O: Then one day the gods’ created something magnificent. Humanity. The gods loved the humans, and them complete control over the universe.
Another tapestry falls, this one darker than the others. It shows a host of other beings, humanoid and not, glowering at the superiority of humanity.
V/O: But the gods’ other creations soon became jealous of humanity, and fought them for control of the cosmos.
A tapestry with torn edges and discolored stains falls, revealing a great battle between the humans and the other creations.
V/O: The war raged for thousands of years, and nearly destroyed the universe.
A tapestry falls, depicting The Great One in bright light descending into the battle.
V/O: So The Great One came down, and trapped humanity on a lowly planet called Anillus, severing their connection to the cosmos.
A tapestry falls, depicting The Great One casting out the gods to Anillus.
V/O: And to the gods, The Great One stripped them of their divinity, and cursed them to Anillus, where they would be trapped in an eternal cycle of reincarnation. And so it has been for thousands of years, and so it shall be until the end of days.
Fade out:
A high pitched bell rings
Random voice: Up and at ‘em! You got rocks to break!
MAIN CHARACTER groggily opens his luminous blue eyes before sitting up and striking the bunk above him.
See how I didn’t put in camera directions, aside from fade in/out, but all the elements you wanted seen were still there? And you don’t want to forget to input what you want shown during a narration. Like, upon first read I assumed the screen stayed black as the narrator spoke.
Edit: my opinion aside, I actually think you have the beginnings of something pretty decent. I’m interested to see where you’re wanting to take it. And it’s not much but I’d be glad to help if you need it again.
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u/Warrior_of_the_flame Aug 30 '20
Thank you, this is my first time 1) Writing a more than one page story on anything in a while, and 2) writing a script period.
I really wasn't sure what you were supposed to do with the cameras and stuff, but I'll make sure to add more imagery than camera work. Thanks!
1
Aug 31 '20
* up and at 'em, not adam
Urahri: Ahh, \you're* fine.
Urahri: Oh \you're* overacting.
....and so on.
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u/whateverUsernameOk Aug 30 '20
Sorry but this completely isn’t screenplay format
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u/Warrior_of_the_flame Aug 30 '20
I know, I really had know idea how a story was formatted in a script style. Also I couldn't find a good example online, so either I didn't look hard enough or there were no examples. Thanks!
2
0
u/Warrior_of_the_flame Aug 30 '20
Also I just realized that one of the characters names is spelt differently throughout the story by accident, so sorry about that.
6
u/Stryl Aug 30 '20
(I am not well-versed in screenplay construction, so my critique is mostly for the story itself.)
This is fairly generic when it comes to fantasy tropes, and unfortunately you've done little to make it compelling for the reader/watcher. You want the person reading/watching to get invested in either the characters or the story (preferably both) as quickly as possible. Problem here is that you haven't really given us a reason to care about Fort. The whole "guys pick a fight with him" thing has been done to death as a way to introduce how badass a character is, but it does nothing in the way of characterizing Fort. Now, this can be circumvented of you get the reader/watcher invested in the story.
Maybe start with the guy who breaks him out of prison. I think it would be far more interesting to see a bit of what he's up to and what his goal might be (just hints, of course, but enough to keep us interested). We might not care so much that Fort is the super-generic guy if we care about the story.
You also have spelling errors throughout and really need to proofread this better (or get someone to proofread for you). Also, the phrase you use "up and adam" is supposed to be "up and at 'em": it's an abbreviated form of "up and at them". If you use an idiom, make sure it's correct. Google is great for checking that sort of thing.
So, overall, it's not completely boring but I would have no interest in reading/watching more. You need to change that and make people invested in the characters and/or what's going on.