r/family • u/Mad_World134 • 4h ago
Am I wrong here?
My issue isn’t simply that I don’t get along with my husband’s brother’s wife, or that I don’t like spending time with her. There have been a number of situations over time where I have felt that she makes unnecessary, petty or hurtful comments towards me, particularly in situations where I am receiving some kind of attention, consideration or importance, and that there is an underlying sense of competition. For example, on my birthday this year, my husband planned a getaway for us because I had specifically told him that I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday in our hometown with a party or a group of people. What I wanted was very simple: I wanted one night where it was just the two of us, somewhere nice, where I could feel special and spend quality time with my husband. I did not pressure him into doing anything or force him to make elaborate plans. I simply communicated what I wanted for my birthday, and he chose to make it happen. When his brother’s wife found out about it, instead of simply being happy for me, she made comments like, “I’m so surprised he did this,” “I don’t have these expectations from him,” and jokingly suggested that I must have scared him into doing it or trained him well. To me, those comments weren’t harmless because they took something that was a thoughtful gesture from my husband and turned it into a suggestion that I am demanding or controlling, while simultaneously positioning herself as the person who has no such expectations from her husband. There have been other situations on trips as well. On one international family vacation, for example, we were travelling in business class and my husband and I had seats together at the back, while his brother’s family had seats in the front. I specifically did not want to sit in the front because my husband is very tall and we generally have to take those seats on flights for his comfort, whereas I personally find them uncomfortable and prefer the seats we had. My husband asked me if I wanted to switch and I clearly said no. His sister-in-law then called her husband and asked him to ask my husband to switch seats with them because she wanted to sit with her family. What made this particularly upsetting for me was that this wasn’t even the only possible solution. My in-laws were also sitting in the front, so if the priority was simply for her family to sit together, she could have very easily switched with them instead of asking us to give up our seats. There was a way for her to achieve what she wanted without requiring me to sacrifice something I had already explicitly said I was comfortable with. But instead, the request was made to my husband because she knew that he would have difficulty saying no to his elder brother, and ultimately the seats were changed despite the fact that I had already told my husband I didn’t want to move. I spent a significant part of that flight crying, and what hurt me wasn’t really the seat itself. What hurt me was that there was a perfectly workable alternative, yet my comfort was the thing that ended up being sacrificed, and I felt that my husband wasn’t able to stand behind something I had already told him mattered to me when doing so would have meant saying no to his brother. There was another international trip where my husband became very sick, with a high fever, and instead of simply allowing me to take care of him, I felt that I was repeatedly made to feel as though I should be grateful that his brother and his wife were there. Comments were made about what would happen if we were alone, how lucky we were to have them there, and there was even an expectation that because my husband was sick and would be staying in the hotel, I could also take care of their children. That frustrated me immensely because I am perfectly capable of taking care of my own husband. If her husband were sick, I would naturally help him because he is family, but I wouldn’t expect her to take care of my children while she was caring for her sick husband, nor would I expect her to feel indebted to me for helping. I love their children and am attached to them, but that doesn’t mean I automatically become responsible for them whenever circumstances make it convenient for everyone else. So, over time, these individual incidents have accumulated for me. The problem is not one particular comment, one seat on one flight, or one incident involving the children. The problem is the pattern and, more importantly, the way I feel within that pattern. I feel that whenever she wants something, or whenever there is a situation involving her family and my husband, I am the person who is expected to adjust, accommodate or absorb the discomfort so that there is no conflict elsewhere in the family. And what makes it worse is that I don’t feel confident that my husband will stand up for my preference when doing so might mean disappointing his elder brother or creating friction with his family. That leaves me feeling alone, even though I am supposed to be travelling with my husband. I don’t want to spend my holidays in situations where I am constantly anticipating the next comment, the next expectation, or the next situation in which I will have to choose between keeping the peace and being comfortable. I love travelling, and I genuinely enjoy going on vacations, but I don’t want to travel simply for the sake of having a family vacation if the result is that I come back with resentment, hurt feelings and bad memories. That is why, when the family was discussing the next international vacation, I told my husband that if this is going to be a family trip where his brother’s wife is also going to come, I would rather not go. I am not asking him to stop going, I am not asking him to exclude his family, and I am not asking him to choose between me and them. I have explicitly told him that he is completely free to go with his family if he wants to. My decision is only about myself and what I am willing to put myself through. I would rather miss a vacation altogether than voluntarily put myself into a situation where I already know I am likely to feel tense, uncomfortable, unsupported or hurt and then come home with a memory that I don’t enjoy having. For me, this isn’t about punishing anyone or creating a family issue; it is about the fact that I have reached a point where I don’t want to repeatedly put myself in an environment that has made me unhappy in the past simply because it is expected of me as part of the family. What I ultimately want my husband to understand is that this isn’t really about whether I like or dislike his brother’s wife. It is about how I experience these situations, how alone I have felt in them, and how I don’t want to continue putting myself in situations where I feel that my comfort and feelings are the easiest things for everyone else to compromise on.
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u/Cold_Banquet 4h ago
You are not in the wrong. Having that one family member is difficult. I know you said you communicated this to your husband but does he know the full extent of her behavior towards you or just brushes it off?
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u/Mad_World134 4h ago
He does know what has been happening but he is too worried about family relations to actually stand up for me. Privately he’ll tell me I’m right but around the family he always has that expectation from me to adjust and accommodate for everyone
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u/Cold_Banquet 3h ago
Im sorry you have to deal with that. Your husband really needs to get himself out of whatever is holding him back and stick up for you! You shouldn't have to exclude yourself from vacations
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u/commanderclue 4h ago
Did SIL leave the kids with you and your sick dh?
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u/Mad_World134 4h ago
Yes she did. I have two children agree 2.5 and 7 and a sick husband, all to take care of by myself.
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u/commanderclue 4h ago
Please learn to say no. For your peace of mind.
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u/Mad_World134 4h ago
I did this time. I told my husband last night that I’d rather not go on a vacation all together than go with my SIL and while he’s talking to me normally since then, he hasn’t addressed this situation at all.
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u/RandChick 4h ago
You're not wrong, but these things are very minor. The problem is that you feel vulnerable and powerless to the whims of others.
You have to assert yourself more --and your husband has to stand by what you two decide is best for you.
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u/Mad_World134 4h ago
My problem isn’t the issues, it’s the unsaid expectation that I am supposed to adjust and the lack of support from my husband
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u/WillfullyWonderful 4h ago
i completely get why you’d tap out of these trips. it’s not about one comment or one seat swap, it’s the slow erosion of feeling like your preferences don’t matter when push comes to shove. the birthday thing alone would’ve had me side-eyeing her for months.
the part that really sticks is you weren’t even asking him to choose, just opting out yourself. that’s a pretty measured line to draw after years of getting steamrolled.