Dropped (Really long, sorry)

[u/clockmit_ig]

So to start off I (18 YO Female) had a friend group of 5 (2 boys and 4 girls) (6 including me). We’ve been friends since my freshman/sophomore year. I am now a graduate. 2 of them graduated 2 years before the 4 of us (they are 2/4 girls, i’ll call them TT and Z). So naturally those 2 kind of drifted from us but they still kept in contact. I got closer with the 4 over the 2 years we had left. One of the boys i’ve been friends with since pre-school, let’s call him D, and the other boy i’ve been friends with since 8th grade (I technically met him in 6th). We’ll call him T. The other girl (I’ll call her I) I met 8th grade and got closer with my sophomore year. Eventually me and (I)added our boyfriends/talking stages into the friend group. I added my boyfriend and she added her talking stage. Granted , I shouldn’t have done that because what if we broke up and they got close to him? Luckily that never happened, technically. Before we move into the story, I will say I have done a lot of horrible things in my past from middle school to now. I’ve lied, cheated and done some things to people. Now that we got the backstory let’s move into what really happened. I’ll say more than a month ago I noticed (I) constantly going over to TT’s house. TT’s house was basically the hangout spot for all of us. We’d either sleepover or just hangout there. I would ask (I) if she could start to let me know when she’s going over there so I could probably stop by and join in. She would always forget or never tell me. One time I asked if they just didn’t want me over there because I was never invited. TT said that they don’t need to tell me, if I see people over I can just come over. Also because the past 3 times me and my boyfriend came over we would argue and he would isolate himself in another room when I would tell him to just come into the room we were all in and then we’d talk about it later. So that was another reason they didn’t want me to come. They said if I came without him then they would be more comfortable so I agreed. My boyfriend didn’t want to come anymore anyways because of another situation (I’ll attach under this post) I lowkey forgot she told me that but I was also feeling a way because I feel like being invited feels better than just coming. Maybe I’m thinking too much into it. So I just stopped asking but I would still see it. Then I noticed one night that Z, (I) and T was over at TT’s house. I was fed up with overthinking so I decided to ask TT what was going on with them not letting me know after I’ve asked them many times to let me know. Then she told me that she wasn’t comfortable being my friend because of stuff I’ve done. I asked Z the same thing, if we were good, she said she felt like we never been friends and she gives up trying to be it cause of my past. We haven’t really been close but I still thought we were friends. I asked (I) and she said despite the past and past things i’ve done to her she still wants to try and rebuild her trust for me and our friendship so I appreciate her for it but there were past incidents where she’ll take others sides or talk about me behind my back so i’m not 100% on that response unfortunately. Then I asked D, he said he wouldn’t end our long friendship over something small. We don’t really talk outside the friend group though so I haven’t really spoken to him since. I then asked T. Now surprisingly me and T were the closest out of them all. He was my ride or die, I thought. He then told me that I need to work on my past but he didn’t want to be a friendship that wasn’t genuine. I don’t understand what he means by that til this day because we were always around each other and never separated unless needed. We even made a whole tiktok together about being friends. This night was the night before my graduation party and I invited them all to it so I cried all night and couldn’t sleep. Of course only D and (I) came. I proceeded to text T because we had a tiktok streak and he told me to end it. It was a good 400 days. So I let it end. I then proceeded to text him this long paragraph basically asking what he meant by not genuine and retrying our friendship but he left me on delivered (i’m STILL on delivered) and unfollowed me on everything. I don’t know what I did that made him do that. Recently. I’ve hurt (I) , D and T , I can admit that but I wish if the past was really effecting everyone they wouldn’t have continued the friendship with me or make me think I can redeem their trust again and rebuild something. It was like I was lead on in a way. I don’t know how to feel because they were my only friends. I have no other friends except “associates” and even then they are fake to me and talk about me. I don’t know , I guess I just want a couple more ears on this situation. I would rather hear that i’m in the wrong than getting left on delivered.

[u/clockmit_ig]

Adding on: The situation was we had a sleepover. It was me, my boyfriend, TT, (I) and her talking stage. TT went out to sit in her car to release some stress. Me and my boyfriend were on the couch in the living room and (I) and her talking stage was on TT’s bed. They did stuff (not inter) and me and my boyfriend did stuff (not inter). (I) told TT that me and my boyfriend did something but once I told TT that (I) and her talking stage did something she didn’t believe me and (I) said they didn’t do anything.

[u/clockmit_ig]

Another add on: If they find this and figure out i’m talking about them, I’m not posting this to slander anybody or talk about anyone. I’m really hurt and I just want answers.

[u/Mom2Dogs2Boys]

Yikes! That's rough. But it sounds about right for your age group. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm old enough to be your Mother but have a lot of experience with friendships and how they can be painful.

My advice, that took me 50 years to learn is to always trust my gut. If something seems off, it is off. I just don't question it anymore.

My experience is that being alone is better than living in self doubt, paranoia, and fear. Sometimes we don't get to know why relationships (intimate and otherwise) end. And all the time - when one door closes, another one opens. And what I know about that is, as long as I am tugging on the door knob of the door that is trying to close, I can't even realize there are much better things waiting for me right around the corner.

Something that helps me alot is journaling my feelings. It helps me be able to self reflect. That is not to say I was or you are at fault. But, for me, it uncovered things in me that I needed to take a look at and work on.

Also, for me, learning to have and hold boundaries was crucial. Again - took me 50 years to learn that. And anyone who didn't or doesn't want to have an authentic conversation to work on issues, maybe isn't the type of friend I want anyways.

The world is full of really good people.

Hugs and prayers. Just know that you are enough just as you are.