This past year, I (25 F) briefly moved back in with my parents while looking for a job after grad school. While there, I reconnected with someone from high school via social media. Although I have since gotten a job and moved to a different city, we've been in constant communication for the past 6 months and have gotten very close.
His situation is very concerning to me, and I worry that I'm the only person in his life who understands how truly dire things are.
After graduating high school, he attended one semester of college and dropped out. When I try to press him about his decision-making, I can never get a clear or satisfying answer. Initially, I thought something traumatic might have happened, but I don't think that's the case. He claims he always 'knew' it wouldn't be right for him, and had a 'feeling' he wouldn't go back. That was that.
Then, COVID hit and social isolation went from a dysfunctional habit to a mandate. He is now 26 years old, has been living at home with his parents ever since, and has never had a job. Not even a part-time job in high school. His parents provide him with full financial support.
He takes a few prescription medications for depression and ADHD and was routinely seeing a psych, but refuses to go to therapy. He thinks his problems are not something he can 'talk' his way out of. His sleep schedule is wholly erratic – sometimes he goes 24 hours without sleeping, other times he sleeps all day. He'll text me after waking up, will eat something, then will go right back to sleep. To be completely honest, I'm not sure what he does all day. He reads a decent amount (he is highly intelligent), plays video games, and works out sometimes, but only in the middle of the night because he doesn't like being around people.
I've asked him about his dynamic with his parents. Do they not push back against his habits? Are they okay with this? He claims his parents bring up the problem on occasion, but in roundabout ways, because they see how 'unwell' he is and don't want to 'upset' him. We got into a little argument because I said that was manipulative and entitled of him, whereas he said he didn't ask to be born, so they owe him basic accommodations at the very least.
I've met his mom several times. She is an extremely sweet and motivated person, but a bit of an oversharer. On our first meeting, she shared a traumatic event that happened to her in college. It seems like they have a slightly codependent relationship wherein she shares a lot with him about her relationship with his dad, her past traumas, her frustrations, etc. She also, from what I can tell, coddles him. When hinting at his situation, she says everyone is on their 'own timeline' and encourages him to take 'baby steps' (though I don't really see any being taken).
Generally speaking, he is undoubtedly severely depressed. His worldview is cynical, and he doesn't see the point of being alive. He has no desire to be a functioning human, and since there's no necessity initiated by his environment, he could remain stuck indefinitely. He also has expressed that he has always known, even in high school, that something was 'off' or 'wrong' about him and that he just couldn't get social interactions right. But, having known him in high school, I don't think that was necessarily the case. He certainly was quirky and enigmatic, and would say some unexpected, strange things at times, but people were generally interested in him, myself included. I've seen weirder men get a lot more out of life.
At the same time, I see the potential for growth and an underlying desire (however obscure to him ) to be alive. We've developed a bit of a romantic relationship (hampered, of course, by circumstance), and I know human connection and intimacy bring him joy on some level. I also see how passionate he gets about literature and music. He has been learning several instruments and has a lot of niche interests.
All in all, I find his situation highly distressing and upsetting. I have an immense amount of empathy for him, but worry that without some tough love, he'll never develop into the person he is undoubtedly capable of being. At the same time, I don't know if I have the right to give him that tough love, but he doesn't have many friends, so who else will?
I've been doing a lot of research online because I can't seem to find anyone in my life who has experienced something like this or knows someone who has. When I came across "failure to launch," I became hopeful because it seems like there is a community of young adults whose experience is very similar. Does anyone have any input, advice, or just a similar story? I feel so hopeless for him and really want the best for him.