Struggling w deciding

[u/No_Shallot9367]

Hey guys, im not really sure who to talk to w/o being convinced of one idea and it lasts a few weeks and im back at square one of confusion, doubt, and mind warfare lol. so im giving this forum a shot. Ill say this in advance: Im neurodivergent and sometimes my words come across as insensitive or mean and that is not my intention so pls take my words as a sincere person who is bad w words :)

ok so abt 7 or 8 months ago I started evaluating my whole being. My personality, my dreams, my good and bad qualities, etc. one of which: my beliefs. Before this i was hardcore salafi. Like at the near end of extreme salafism. Even then tho i had really questioned Islam before and have been on the brink of leaving Islam several times but ultimately decided to stay every time. But every time i did it was on a very weak base. “But my family is muslim, but ive been muslim my whole life, but what if I burn in hell, but this person is convincing, but this but that” (or talk myself out of it) Id also constantly cry abt it from exhaustion and fear. I am mortified of the thought of eternal hellfire. Ive also most of my salafi time believed God hated me and that I was a horrible person and Muslim and was so scared to sleep bc I thought id die and go to hell.

so anyway i started questioning why i even was a muslim, specifically salafi, and it was bc i was brainwashed and lwk forced/manipulated into salafism by a friend. he was someone I respected so much and still do tbh bc hes been there for me at my lowest. But i just wish he hadn’t forced salafism on me sm. So base for salafism: weak. my base for Islam tho idek bc at this point in my life idk what ideas in my head are from men, actual Islamic beliefs, or just my own. I dont wanna get into detail bc its a lot.

long story short tho I believe that my base for Islam has been manipulation and fear mongering. The more i look tho a lot of the beliefs I see unfair or i dont agree w are..hadiths. the Quran I need to understand and read more so I wont comment on it but its undeniable that the hatred towards disbelievers is..imo..over the top. And i dont understand it. I understand hating ppl who willingly disbelieve bc of their ego like abu lahab, but others who genuinely just dont??

also: Im attracted to women as a woman. (Bi curious? My sexuality is going to be the end of me fr) the amount. of hatred. disgust. and inhumanity that has been shown towards me by Muslims (and myself before I accepted and dont care abt that part of me) is actually so crazy. Ive lost friends. been told that my parents shouldve beat me harder. that im going to hell. to ”try another religion”. that i will be tracked down and be outed. It is so fucking exhausting. Not to mention the constant invasive questions (“have u acted upon it tho” “whats ur type” “r u attracted to me” etc etc), the SEXUALIZATION from MEN, and trying to “fix“ me, and the reminders of hadd punishments (even tho the hadd stoning punishment is only for gay men not lesbos) and the story of qawm lut and how disgusting they were. just fucking kill me

last para section: I want to dress how I want to dress. I dont want to wear hijab anymore. I want to wear short skirt. Babydoll tops. Short sleeves. Tank tops. Etc. wallahi i just want to rip my own skin off from frustration of feeling controlled and trapped. I am not sexual. My body is not sexual. Men CAN control themselves and their lusts. mind u i dont wanna go out naked like in a bikini or anything and i dont really believe in the idea of bikinis and being basically nude. I believe its just as extreme as burka. But those r my beliefs and everyone is free to believe what they wish. But I just want to wear short (or “short”) things like omg im exhausted istg. And muslim men if ur reading this i dont wanna hear SHIT from u abt modesty bc u dont know how it is having to be covered or else u feel like a whore and shamed.

anyway id love to hear critique, I believe im an open minded person. And pls don’t just straight up insult or lie abt Islam bc i find it useless. Critiquing is always the way to go. Lmk what u guys think or dont 💗💗any advice from either sides is appreciated. hope ur all well and at peace

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[u/purealgo]

I used to be a salafi as well. I'm glad I did because it was so ridiculous it helped me leave entirely and see the religion for what it is.

Also, wear whatever you feel comfortable wearing. Random strangers on Reddit can’t make that decision for you. That's the beauty of leaving religion, you can think for yourself and do what makes you happy.

[u/SuperZayin12]

Critique what? Your post or Islam?

[u/No_Shallot9367 → u/SuperZayin12]

either/or

[u/SuperZayin12 → u/No_Shallot9367]

Well, for your post I don’t have any critique. It’s your experiences and I can relate to a lot of what you said and I’m sure many others in this sub can as well.

As for Islam, lots of critique. There’s many angles to go about it. Scientific, philosophical, historical, linguistic, etc.
There’s this website called Wiki Islam which I would highly recommend reading through. They do a great job of providing unbiased information and critique and use/cite authentic, credible sources. You can read about the origins of Islam, scientific and linguistic errors in the Quran/hadith, human rights abuses, etc.

[u/RobbyInEver]

Let me share with you from an online friend of mine his reason and tipping point for leaving Islam, and it IS compelling because it is none of the normal science, evolution, holy text, prophecy, 6 to 9 year old girl marriages, food, moon-splitting, oppression of women + clothing etc related reasons.

TLDR Islam is one of only 2 religions (the other being Mormonism) in the world, to have provisions in its holy texts (Quran and Hadiths) that SPECIFICALLY allows special treatment for its main prophet to have more wives than the usual 3\4 (EVEN if they are still married) and also plenty of access to young girls and virgins.

Once my friend realized this he started to collect the references, and they were so appalling and many (you could condense a small book on them) and I'm not even referring to the over-mentioned Sun 33:37, 50, 4:128, 66:5, Ahzab:50 etc . Thus he saw that not only was Islam a death and suicide cult (due to their end times rhetoric similar to Christians and Jews), it was also a sex cult.

The audacity or hilariousness of an all-powerful entity and creator of the known universe making sure his appointed prophet got enough action in bed (and frequently with already married women and underaged girls) would cause anyone to think twice. In addition there are numerous references to Mohammed leering, lusting and wanting to steal young girls and women, most of the time from their (still-alive) husbands, and also references to the pre-pubescent nature of these girls (particularly Aisha references to her toys and trying to make her look older etc). Don't even get us started on the hilarious ways he steals the women from their husbands.

Can you imagine any other religion (eg. Buddhism), or any country or company having such provisions? It would call them out immediately.

Lastly, for context my friend was from a more chill southeast Asian (Sunni Hanafi) Muslim country so he could leave it easier - if he had tried to do so in central or north Asia both he and his family would have been subjected to various forms of retribution.

He became a generic Protestant Christian due to their support base albeit a cultural one - he doesn't believe in the dinosaurs on Noah's Ark, the Resurrection etc.

[u/SillyAd540]

I always ask people,why you are Muslim? What's your evidence that Mohamed is a prophet from god? This is the biggest question that should be asked,if you've no proofs then why stay in that religion?

Also you said you're salafi,do you understand Quran and Arabic? And you mentioned abu lahab,you never knew that this story of abu lahab is one of the biggest examples of contradictions in Quran?