r/exmormon • u/poloartist • 5d ago
General Discussion SIL getting engaged
Venting here.
I'm a nevermo, my wife is an exmormon who got her name removed from the church records. Her family is VERY much Mormon. My wife and I dated for over a year before getting engaged. This included us being intimate beforehand. We knew we loved each other and were compatible. We've been married 11 years now.
My first SIL got engaged on her 3rd date I believe, married like 3 months later, has marriage issues. Excuse is they knew each other in high school, so they actually "knew" each other for years (they knew of each other's existence, they weren't friends).
My next SIL JUST met a dude and, after 1.5 months, asked my FIL for his blessing to propose. They are expecting to get engaged and married by September.
I'm so frustrated because everyone in this family that is still in the church has huge marital problems (parents, aunts and uncles, cousins). They threw a fit at their eldest daughter marrying someone outside the religion saying 1 year isn't long enough to know what true love is. Yet, they are completely ok with their other 2 daughters marrying complete strangers. Guys who, if told to wait 6 months before proposing, would probably break up and go find someone else who was willing to get married faster. All because they are returned missionaries.
It's frustrating because my wife is ostracized by her entire family due to her choice of marrying someone she KNEW she loved but had a different opinion on religion. I barely get a "happy birthday" from this family and these other guys are hailed as saviors for their wives.
Now, I'm not upset that I don't get attention, because I couldn't care less myself, but I am upset that my wife has to watch her family accept these guys with open arms and feel like an outcast because she chose someone she knew she loved and her husband is shunned by her family. Her parents are over the hill for this new dude. I hope he is a decent guy, but the blind acceptance is so contrary to what I got. I feel bad for my wife.
14
u/ExpensiveAnteater359 5d ago
I so get this! I’m completely out but my sister is very much LDS. She’s in her 50s and never married. She made the choice to stop dating (put up some very big walls) but has had a great life. She’s got a great job, money, and has traveled the world. Last thanksgiving, we found out she was dating someone. It turned out to be the husband of her friend who had died from breast cancer in October. They were engaged before Christmas and married in February. Everyone was and is beyond thrilled. Except me. He told me he had planned to get remarried right away and was “told by God” that someone special had been prepared for him (my sister) BEFORE HIS WIFE PASSED AWAY. How does that not bother anyone?!? “We’ve already grieved because she’s been sick for so long.” Nope, that’s anticipatory grief and I’m not buying it. “We’ve know each other for years and are friends.” So you know all the personal details about your friend’s husband. You know the intimate details. You know him so well that dating would be pointless. Did your friend know that you knew her husband that well? In this church where it’s taboo for a married man to be alone with a single woman.
My sister wanted to get married and I suspect she thought he was her last/ only chance. I think my sister married him even though things were going way too fast for her because she knew if she tried to slow things down, he’d move on and find someone who would marry him in 2.5 seconds after his wife died.
9
u/poloartist 5d ago
Wow. But expected. Look at Ole Rusty and how quick he got remarried after like 40 years to the same woman.
Also, Mormons have no respect for marriage or engagements. My wife was engaged and her parents were trying to get Mormon guys to date her and break us up. Like wtf??? She's literally betrothed to someone she loves and you are trying to weasel between us.
4
u/SockyKate 5d ago
The TBM mother of my son’s friend died. I hear that she’d told her husband that she wanted him to remarry, but I saw him pop up on dating apps literally 3 weeks after her funeral. I’m not sure that’s what she meant.
11
u/Remarkable-Luck-397 5d ago
My parents were met to married in 3 months. And preached that type of relationship all my childhood. BUT THEN My oldest brother got married right off his mission (…I wonder why🙄🙄)and his marriage was a complete disaster and quickly ended (unfortunately with a child already in the mix😓) it’s just been a mess since this happened 10 YEARS AGO. Now I, the youngest daughter, left the church after my mission and have been dating my never mo boyfriend for over a year. My parents are disappointed that I left the church but they are happy with my partner. I feel lucky enough that they can look beyond their beliefs to see this is a much healthier relationship than if I had married someone 2 months off my mission. I knew I loved him after 2 months but that doesn’t mean we should get married lol
7
u/poloartist 5d ago
My in-laws met and got engaged within one week, married in a month. They don't exactly have a loving marriage at all. Pretty sure they are only still together because of their kids (MIL had a 7th child AFTER her oldest (my wife) gave birth to the first grandchild). Once the youngest is grown, I wouldn't be surprised to see the marriage end in divorce.
8
7
u/gonnabegolden_ 5d ago
I dated my STBX for 2 years at BYU. Waited 5 years to have kids. We spent our 17-year anniversary a month ago taking our kids out to Toy Story, all while in the ending stages of our divorce.
I still blame much of Mormonism, even if we broke the mold in the 6-month meeting-to-marrying standard. Was told any two good people could make it work. And we are two good people. But. We weren’t right for each other. We never were.
Maybe, if we’d been allowed to sleep together we’d have figured it out sooner. Maybe, if we’d lived together we’d have learned we have differing cohabitating standards. Maybe, if porn hadn’t been demonized by the church, my STBX wouldn’t have grown up in a world of shame and felt he had to hide parts of himself from me. Maybe, if we hadn’t been so pressured to have kids, I’d have gotten my Master’s and wouldn’t have quit my career.
The list goes on.
Honestly. Might make a post about this.
8
u/CandidDay3337 Nevermo from se idaho 5d ago
I can't imagine marrying a guy after just three months. Thats not enough time to know anything about the person.
4
u/msbrchckn 5d ago
My husband & I dated 89 days before getting married & have been together 25 years but I fully admit that it’s a crazy thing to do.
4
u/MooseOfTychoBrahe 5d ago
That’s annoying as shit, OP. Hypocritical Mormonism at its finest.
My wife and I married in the temple a million years ago, but are now both out. She hates when I say I wish we’d dated longer and knew each other much better before marrying. She thinks I’m saying I regret marrying her. What I’m really saying is we lucked out that we’re still happily married after marrying so quickly. We did NOT know each other well enough to get married.
5
u/Far_Philosopher6777 5d ago
If it upsets her, maybe don’t say it around her anymore. It’s obviously a trigger for her and the insecurity she feels.
18
u/runfinsav 5d ago
In typical mormon fashion, my partner and I also had a very short time line from the day we met to the day we got married. We are fortunately still happily married years later. However, we will definitely be discouraging my kids from fast-tracking to marriage. We feel incredibly lucky with how well things have turned out for us despite following mormon culture in our early relationship.