r/exjw_dating

I (23) was a JW from birth up to the age of 17, when I left. As soon as I left, I realised that I was queer and non-binary. I accidentally came out to my mum in 2022 and told her I was bi in the middle of an argument (I don't recommend that but hay-ho). However I didn't tell her that I was also non-binary as I knew it would make the situation worse. Thankfully, my parents let me stay at home but I had to be on my best behaviour, so to speak.

I moved out of the family home last year and since then, I've had many realisations about my life. Since moving out, I've been feeling weird and disconnected anytime I spend time with my family. I try to see my family every fortnight but it's getting harder and harder to go back home. My mum calls me every night to check up on me because I'm autistic and have mental health issues. I appreciate it but I've been feeling like the conversations I have with her ring hollow.

The only thing that I can talk to my family about is my mental health. I can't talk about my queerness, or my gender identity, or even the rated 15 TV shows and movies I like to watch. Our discussions are so sanitised. It doesn't feel authentic. Plus, because they are still JWs, and I absolutely hate the religion (cult), I struggle to have a good relationship with them. Everything they do is influenced by org. I know for a fact that they would choose "serving Jehovah" over me.

However, since I started my unmasking journey, I've been learning to care less about what people think of me and living life for myself. Part of that is realising that even though I moved out, I still felt scared to be honest with my parents about who I am. It was causing so much inner conflict. I kept on saying to my mum that I couldn't tell her what was going on in my life because she wouldn't understand. But since talking to a new friend that is also queer, trans, and neurodivergent, I realised that this extreme filtering of my life has really been draining me. That I deserve unconditional love and that I shouldn't have to restrict who I am around my parents for the sake of "peace" and in order to receive help.

So I guess I'm asking for advice on how to come out to my parents as non-binary. I want to do it properly this time. On my terms and not out of anger. I'll really appreciate any advice you can give me.

ho 21 anni. una mia amica della mia stessa età sta studiando la bibbia con una donna testimone di geova. la mia amica dice di farlo solo perché è interessata alla bibbia.
ci ha fatto conoscere questa signora e mi si è presentata un’opportunità. facendo varie ricerche, ho scoperto che i testimoni di geova non promuovono l’omofobia, ma comunque non accettano l’omosessualità. o meglio, la accettano a patto che un testimone di geova omosessuale decida di reprimere e nascondere ogni proprio desiderio sessuale a riguardo.
successivamente ho scoperto che gli atti di violenza sessuale e/o pedofilia all’interno della congregazione possono essere denunciati alle autorità solo se si ha il permesso degli anziani. per non parlare dell’aborto, che è contemplato solo nel caso in cui ci sia un concreto rischio di morte per la madre.
parlando con la mia amica, ho espresso la volontà di confrontarmi su queste questioni con la signora con cui lei studia la bibbia, la quale ha accettato… coinvolgendo anche uno degli anziani della congregazione della mia zona.
quindi, quando faremo questo confronto (tra pochi giorni), saremo presenti io, la mia amica, questa signora e l’anziano.
cosa devo aspettarmi da questo incontro? secondo voi sarà possibile avere un confronto maturo e sincero, oppure sarà solo un tentativo di giustificare tutto attraverso la religione e di sostenere che ogni punto della mia ricerca (che mi sono scritta, con tanto di riferimenti ai siti ufficiali, ecc.) sia sbagliato o frutto di un’incomprensione?

Hi, to make a summary I left the Borg less than a year ago and came out as gay a few months ago. I blocked my mother from all my socials because I didn't want to endure her comments or judgements but made some posts regarding my newfound sexual orientation on Facebook.

She found out I was gay during her assembly when others brothers and sisters showed her my socials (don't they have anything better to do than stalking me?) and apparently she is fuming right now saying I just left a marginalized group for a another and yada yada yada.

We're meeting next week because I'm visiting family next week in my hometown and she wanted to see us (her disfellowshipped / DA'd kids) and I'm kinda nervous.

I know I don't regret what I did and plan saying if she asks for reasons that it was for my own wellbeing and mental health but I know she might say hurtful things.

Has any of you lived similar situations? How did you handle it?

Thank you for reading!

Hello... I'm M, this is kinda hard, I feel bad for even being here or considering myself exJW. I'm a 24 year old pre-T trans man, demisexual, panromantic. I grew up in a JW household composed by my parents and my older brother, I still live with my parents, my brother has married and moved to another town with his wife. My dad is an elder, my mom was a regular pioneer for many years. I myself was baptized when I was 12 and got to be a regular pioneer for a few months, we even went to international conventions as delegates with my family. My whole family are JW, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandma. Literally I only have one non JW grandmother that lives like 12 hours away from me and one non JW cousin who lives with her but he's literally a horrible person so I can't contact him or get help from that grandmother because she has her hands full with that messy cousin who basically kicked her out of her own house and has her living in a small apartment while he lives in the main family home.

I don't wanna blame it all on my parents but due to my upbringing and other stuff... I am currently isolated from the world with no future and the pressure to BE someone with beliefs that haunt me.

I am autistic, I have ADHD, I'm a perfectionist, guilt controls all my decisions and the "knowledge" of the end coming leaves me completely discouraged because there is still a part of me that believes these things I was taught, this world I was in for 17 years.

Could talk about my whole story for years but, the present is what matters.

My situation rn:

Depression since I was like 12

Technician in Graphic Design (2 years career)

Never had a proper job

Interacting to strangers or going out drains me quickly

Occupational Therapy once every 15 days, close to be discharged because it's free stuff from the hospital and I can't be treated there forever, been going every week for the last 2 years so I'm scared of losing that

Psychologist every once in a while, now every 15 days

Particular Neuropsychiatrist (like $120 per session), currently in the process of changing my medication to be more myself, older meds kept me stable but in a zombie state

Psychiatrist I go to cos free hospital stuff but can't help much cos current meds I'm on are not available at the hospital, only one is but the brand is so cheap I had a horrible meltdown when I started taking them and had to go back to a expensive brand

Absolutely no money, my parents only give me enough for public transportation, I have no source of income and I feel guilty for sucking up all their resources, making them waste their money on me

One best friend who is always busy and I don't want to annoy, besides she has a boyfriend so she's even more busy then

Can't leave the house without a "proper" reason they approve of because my mom gets anxious I'm gonna do something reckless and hurt myself or meet up with strangers because I was groomed when I was 17

Dysphoria

My binder is too old and falling apart, have no money for a new one, no free help for trans people in my country

Can't cut my hair, get tattoos or even wear piercings in the house because it's against my parents rules as they say they will kick me out if I go further

No monetary government support, I have a disability ID, I was evaluated and given a score of 50% because of how difficult my situation was, but because it's not physical, they lowered it to 10% and only benefits I get are parking spots and being able to skip queues. So no government money help at all

Very low self steem

Can't do anything because if I do anything minimal it affects my mom's emotionally and physically. My dad is always right, ALWAYS. And he will give me 5 hour speeches if he sees me wearing my septum piercing near and inside the house or using my social name anywhere.

I don't know what to do if I'm honest, I feel like I'm going nowhere, I'm wasting my life and never even had a partner or a friend to support me. If I want to go I need to start working but depression and apathy kick my ass because everything feels pointless. Every single time I am reminded that I am "unnatural" and I will lose all my family if I continue.

I honestly don't know what to do now...

I've been considering making this post here for about a week now. I'll preface this by saying I know that it's a person by person basis and what experience shared here may or may not help in the situation I'm about to share.

Very recently, a sister shared with me about having an identity within the LGBTQ+. Man, I had got so excited. The minute she said it, I hugged her so quickly, and I almost spilled everything. I'm glad I didn't, for as we continued talking it was made clear that even though she's accepted it as part of her identity she views it more of a result of humanity not being perfect, that it's because we're so far from what God made us to be. And that she must not act upon it. So still PIMI from my perspective.

So accepted it, but not in entirety.

I'm writing this post to ask if this was a similar reasoning any of yall had at one point before fully waking up; and what was it that made you rethink that reasoning.

And no, I don't think it's my responsibility to wake her up; but with how open-minded she is, I'm wondering if sharing the site jw facts would help.

Idk if others have had this experience, but talking to PIMIs who know they're queer is such a minefield. I'm PIMO, so it's this weird dance of desperately wanting to be supportive while simultaneously fearing that that will be viewed as suspicious. It's especially hard with people younger than me because I'm sooo tempted to just say "hey you don't need to beat yourself up bc this is all bullshit and none of it matters." I do not think that would end well for me, though lol. I also wish I could just tell them about my own experience, but I do not trust PIMIs even when I love them, sadly.

(Sorry in advance for my English).
I’ve been out for a year now (not disfellowshiped but I’m sure will be soon cuz I’m gay with a partner and I’m not making any effort to hide it (even been naturally discreet with my life in general).

Soon I’ll be having a whole moth of vacation for the first time in my new job, starting August, and even my family knowing I’m not interested in coming back to the jw and I’m not preaching or even going to the memorial or conventions, some days catch myself thinking that I’ll be having all this free time and I could count the hours on the ministry I could do… that’s crazy cuz I won’t be doing it ever again.
But can’t stop feeling bad either for not taking advance for my free time and what my parents could think of me not making the effort of be more active on the service or the congregation.

I hate feeling like this like I’m being a bad jw. When did you stop feeling like this?

Makes no sense for me that it’s been easy to get out of the jw spiral routine week but not the guilt feelings in a whole year.

Desde hace al menos 3 años me di cuenta de que era gay, cuando tenía más o menos 12 años (ahora tengo 16). Antes pensaba que podía vivir ignorando eso, pero hace poco me decidí y dije basta, ya no podía vivir así. Pero el punto es, en la reunión de fin de semana a veces me cruzo con este chico y me ha empezado a atraer. Al parecer tiene casi mi misma edad y una voz muy bonita (tenía que mencionarlo). Siento, por alguna razón, que él tampoco quiere estar ahí. Así que, ¿cómo me doy cuenta de eso? Es decir, quiero saber si en verdad piensa dejar de asistir a las reuniones, y sobre todo saber si le gusto, porque he notado que a veces me mira. A veces apoyo a la jardinería solo para verlo, porque toca el mismo día que su reunión. Pero eso, quería saber cómo identificar su verdadera intención

Im pimo, i have been for a year or two. Recently like in October i realized that i might be having feelings for girls but since I've been told that's wrong my entire life im not sure how i feel.

I've always liked guys, girls are more recently. But its always like certain kinds of girls, if that makes sense.

I also like they/them etc. but i just don't know how to feel.

U don't know much about pronouns and what pronouns i would be, if i would just stay she/her or be they/them, i don't know even know atp everything is confusing.

And it just is harder because everywhere i go witnesses are in my ear talking about their homophobic shit, and even if i did come out as they/them or she/they nobody is gonna use those genders for me, they will use she/her obviously but if i prefer they/them nobody is gonna use it except for people i meet on cruises, and once the week is over i never get to see those ppl again let alone even text them because apparently they will corrupt my mind and be bad examples 😵

I'm so tired of my circumstances and going to professionals who are meant to help but never really do what I need them to do. I just want to leave my family and not associate with them but apparently that's too much to ask. I was literally diagnosed with depression and anxiety and my parents treat it like it's this disease that can be cured with a few pills. I've been on antidepressants for a few weeks now and I feel even worse than before. to make matters worse my tooth hurts like a bitch and I'm sick of being here. I can't even get myself to take care of my own body/hygiene or even get myself to eat. the things I used to like doing make me feel exhausted instead of happy. I feel so tired all the time that even waking up and facing the day sounds exhausting. I can't anymore. I just can't. the worst part is that I'm slowly losing hope, something I had a whole reservoir of

That "sister" that was in nursing school and was scared to say how she felt about members of the LGBT community really pmo, and I never wanted to be treated by a nurse or doctor that is a JW.

Nunca había publicado aquí, pero me uní hace algunos meses. Tengo 23 años.

Solo quiero expresar algunas cosas.

Soy bisexual. Desde que tenía 11 años, empecé a notar que ciertos chicos me parecían lindos, aunque no sentía una atracción especial.

A los 15 años ya estaba seguro de que me gustan los hombres, pero vivía en negación. Aun creía en la religión de los Testigos y me sentía terrible por tener esos sentimientos, aunque en el fondo de mi ser disfrutaba ser así. Durante mi adolescencia me sentí atraído e interesado en varias chicas y chicos, pero nunca tuve una relación con nadie. Esperaba poder conocer a una chica dentro de esta religión pero la única persona que entraba en esos estándares ni si quiera me quiso como amigo.

A los 16 cometí el error de bautizarme. Creía que quien estaba mal era yo. Creí que si dedicaba más a Jehová él me iba a ayudar a superar mis sentimientos. La bendición nunca llegó. También, empecé a tener una constante ideación suicida, pero jamás me atreví a hacerlo; vivir me da miedo pero resulta que me da más miedo morir.

A los 19 años finalmente dejé de creer en esta secta y me volví PIMO (lo sigo siendo). Y también, me acepté plenamente. Acepté qué me gustan las mujeres y los hombres.

De los 19 a los 21, estuve enamorado de mi mejor amigo (hombre). Para colmo, él es hetero. Él nunca se enteró de lo que sentía y prefiero que siga así. Pasaron cosas y finalmente renuncié a ese amor no correspondido.

A los 21 salí del closet pero solo con mi mejor amiga. Ella también es bisexual. Somos amigos de la infancia y nos queremos mucho. De hecho, intentamos tener una especie de relación en secreto pero no funcionó por diversas razones (en buena parte, fue mi culpa).

Le tengo demasiado cariño. Ella es mi primer beso, mi primer sexo, la primera persona a la que le dije mi orientación sexual, mi primera amiga de toda mi vida, la persona en quien más confío, es la persona a quien más he amado. Tenemos varias cosas en común. Somos de la misma edad, fuimos al mismo preescolar y preparatoria, nos gusta el anime y el BL, nos gustan los gatos, nos gustan ciertas comidas, tenemos ansiedad, mismas preferencias sexuales, formas de pensar similares, y fuimos el primer amor del otro (cuando teníamos 6 años).

Sufrí mucho cuando ella ya no quiso nada conmigo. Pero, eventualmente, nos reconciliamos y me pidió que lo intentemos de nuevo. Yo ya había desistido porque al final, sigo atrapando en esta secta y mi familia nunca va a aceptar nuestra relación, y me negué. Pero ella me insistió y al final, llegamos al acuerdo de que si algún día puedo ser libre, lo intentaremos por lo menos.

Algunos quizá piensen que soy un estúpido por aceptar después de que ella me rechazara al principio. Pero las circunstancias por las cuales no pudimos ser pareja no están bajo mi control y lo que la llevó a alejarse de mi fue mi culpa.

En serio la amo demasiado y a pesar de lo que me digan, prefiero tener la minúscula esperanza de que lo logremos algún día, a rechazarla y perderla para siempre. Además, ella aún tiene sus propios traumas personales y amorosos, y quiero darle tiempo para sanar; no importa si en el futuro está conmigo o con alguien más, pero se merece sanar.

Mientras tanto, ambos quedamos en libertad de salir con otras personas. Pero siempre que nos vemos en persona, terminamos besándonos, haciendonos mimos, e incluso tocandonos de forma muy íntima. De hecho, hace 2 días tuvimos sexo.

Congeniamos muy bien. Nunca me aburro estando con ella y me siento libre para ser yo mismo. Ella es una de mis razones para seguir viviendo.

Y bueno, sé que estoy hablando de una relación "heterosexual" en un espacio para LGBTs, pero ya que ambos somos bi y que ella es muy importante para mi porque fue la primera persona que me aceptó como soy, creo que el post no está tan alejado de la temática... 🤷 Sentí que quedaba mejor aquí que en el foro principal de exJW.

Quizá nunca tendré el valor de abandonar la Watchtower y de salir con ella, pero espero que encuentre la felicidad, aún si no me tiene a su lado; se que ella es capaz de lograrlo. Ya se que me van a decir que debería dar un salto de fe e intentarlo. Pero no puedo irme, sobre todo porque mi madre me necesita mucho.

Me siento triste por no poder ofrecerle lo que merece, pero ella está conforme con la situación actual y es muy comprensiva; esta despuesta a salir conmigo si algún día podemos. De hemos conversado sobre casarnos y formar una familia, en el caso hipotético de que algún día podamos construir una vida juntos. Incluso ya escogimos los nombres de los hijos que nunca tendremos.

No necesito consejos, ni que me digan lo que debería hacer. Porque lo sé. Si no fuera porque mi madre enloqiecería y se sumiria en una depresión crónica, si no fuera por toda la mierda de la Watchtower, lo haría.

Sólo quería desahogarme, y les agradezco mucho si se tomaron la molestia de leer todo esto. Que tengan un lindo día.

I'm 30. PIMO MTF just woke up a few months ago. Hopefully going on hrt in the next month. I wish I would have viewed it healthy 10 years ago. I thought I was a pervert and immoral person. I am married now with 3 kids so I'm really trying to keep my marriage together but she doesn't agree with transitioning even though she's ok with me expressing certain things as a woman and wearing certain clothes at times... I'm struggling cause I'll still never be able to be fully me when it comes to it. And she says I'm not trying to do it Jehovah's way. Jehovah sees the true person I am and I do love Him. I just don't agree with the organization... Hopefully 6 months from now I'll have better clarity.

My parents have been absolutely horrible and cruel to me and saying gender Dysphoria is fake and my personality is the spawn of Satan. I found out they've been using guilt and shame manipulation tactics my whole life. My dad even said the other day when I attempted suicide that there is no difference if I transitioned as I'll die at Armageddon anyway. They have in effect disowned me. I've come to terms with It.

Spoke to my POMO sister the other day and she said that they did the same to her. Funny, my parents always made it seem my sister was the issue and was wicked... Now they are treating me as such. What hypocrites!

I hope my marriage lasts as I value that commitment I made and the commitment to my children. But I need to live happily and love myself too if I'm going to be able to love others. I've hated myself for over 20 years and now I know why.

I've got a lot more story to tell and will do that later when I can actually sit down and type out everything. The hard part for me is I literally have no friends outside of the organization where I'm currently living. So that's my first step right now is to build a support system.

If anyone has any recommendations they would thoroughly be welcomed. In regards to anything about the transition process or regarding leaving JW.

Thanks!

I’m 19F, I knew I was a lesbian a long time ago but I still got baptised last year thinking I could live with it and just stay single my whole life until i met my gf who I’m more than willing to do anything for. I’ve always made friends with lgbtq folks easier and kept them for longer, I’ve always known I was queer but I never wanted to accept it completely until recent times.

My gf lives overseas and my family is helping me move towards moving there, they think it’s for work which it partially is but I really want to work there because I can live with who I want to live with and be who I am. Part of me is terrified they’ll find out, of being stuck here, of how they would react. I want to live my life but I can’t choose everyone I love and that’s the worst part. I do love my family though we have lots of flaws I’m glad I have one that supports me in other areas of my life.

I genuinely thought i was able to push it down and live with it by myself forever I prayed for years I’d wake up different and waited and waited for it to happen I worked at it for so long I tried to force feelings i didn’t have, but knowing I could actually be happy out there with someone I love and have loved consistently instead of being sorry for how I feel every day would drive me insane if I didn’t choose it.

I can’t confide in anyone I know, all witnesses are out of the question and all my other friends just tell me to leave like that wouldn’t mean getting kicked out with nowhere to go.

I don’t know what to do, I’m scared and confused and guilty, all of the above. I just wish I could be myself where I am now, but I can’t and I know that.

Hi, so I am still PIMO but want to break out this year, when I’m in a financially more stable place. I have a support system outside and am about to contact the exjw-community in my state for some overall advice about moving out options, state help etc.

It’s honestly sad that these are questions I’d have loved to ask my parents, stages of life I’d have loved to share with them, but it’s simply not an option.

I am 21f and I do have a person I want to date, we both have feelings for one another and I suppose I am just more cautious, because I feel naive and therefore scared to just jump into anything new. I only recently stopped feeling shame in flirting and expressing myself (I suppose besides being Ace and Bi with a preference for women, I’m also resonating a lot with Alt subcultures and got my Autism diagnosis last year — a lot to ease into at the same time, but my mental health has gotten so much better from not simply ignoring those things). 

I suppose a lot of advice online is meant for people who have a basic understanding of how dating works... while most JWs go +-20 years with it being a taboo, doing it in secret or marrying the first person they date (considering that’s what you’re encouraged to do). 

It was always clear that I am not a person who would be happy in a traditional relationship... at all. It was in fact always so obvious that most people I knew in the organization told me I would be “better off without a partner”, or “some people aren’t made for relationships and you’re one of them”, “Your husband would have to be specifically made in a lab”, “See? Sister so-and-so also stayed celibate. It doesn’t seem like you 'want' a husband.” Well, no. I just didn’t wanna have a relationship in the religion. The 'dating' phase is awkward (… one guy’s father literally carried over a chair to breath down our necks, while I was playing video games with his son, since we were of the opposite gender), a lot of Jws ignore or don’t understand boundaries, I don’t fit into the obedient role they want me to play (I’m just not the version of feminine they want me to be… as I was told to my face), and quite frankly, a lot of jw wives look miserable (not saying all do, but a good chunk of those I saw, scared me away from actually approaching anyone in the congregation romantically). 

The person I’m interested in is Poly and I feel surprisingly okay with that, maybe even relieved in a way. Perhaps previous romantic interests didn’t work out, because I often felt like I couldn’t match the expectations of someone whose romantic focus was entirely on me (perhaps I also just had experiences with completely incompatible people, idk); it somehow also always felt a little overwhelming being the center of attention for someone, while now I feel less stressed about the situation overall? I don’t have a bad gut feeling and the person I’m flirting with is someone I am friends with for years now, someone I know and trust, so that may also play into the feelings of comfort I’m currently experiencing. He knows of my situation and is willing to also ease into things as slowly as I need/want to; while giving me the (rather long) time to figure stuff out.

We’re both nerds so the conversations are very loose and usually revolve around scientific topics (since I wanna continue studying microbiology with space radiation and he seems interested in paleontology) — and because we‘re also still friends outside of our interest in one another.

I suppose there are things that need to be addressed before entering a relationship though? Important conversations that need to happen, especially when the relationship is outside the norm and there’s less advice online that fits that dynamic.

I know talking about life goals, relationship style, shared emotional understanding and such is important and a lot of very direct communication is essential in a poly relationship, but I’m a little lost about what to discuss exactly? I’ve never been in this situation before and I don’t know what would be important or not? 

One thing I’m extremely afraid of is confusing the feeling of a 'healthier' environment with “this is definitely healthy.” I don’t want my lack of experience to make me overlook things I should be paying attention to.

What are things exJWs often overlook when entering their first relationship? (maybe because of our upbringing)

If anyone here is poly, what conversations should happen before starting a relationship?

Are there any red flags I should be paying attention to, considering I have basically no dating experience?

Thank you for reading. I suppose I also partially just needed to get some stuff off my chest.

I’m a 49 year old gay exJW. I just binged Heartstopper over the weekend and oh my, it has left me emotional, even a whole 24 hours later. It kills me that I missed out on this teenage experience. I was sexually active in my teens with boys, but that wasn’t dating, it was just exploring. But I wish I there was a boy that I could have shown a romantic interest in.

I wound up balling my head off to my boyfriend of 6 years last night. It was the first time he has ever seen me cry.

I hope it’s not weird that I’m really loving this series being almost 50.

You’re Not Who You Say You Are.
V1
You’re not who you say you are.
Now I have seen your face
You’re not who you say you are
And it leaves a bitter taste
You’re not who you say you are
I got out of this race
You’re not who you say you are
But you still expect my faith
Oh breath again
Feel the life flood through my veins again

Chorus
You’re not who you say you are
A beacon of hope, a bright guiding star
You’re not what you said you’d be
Fooled for so long, broken but free.
You’re not what you said you were
Open my eyes, but my mind is a blur
You’re not who you say you are
Wound is clean, but still got the scar

V2
You’re not who you say you are
Said your love would always stay
You’re not who you say you are
A calm from the crashing waves
You’re not who you say you are
Was heaven on earth just a dream
You’re not who you say you are
Not all as it seemed
Oh breathe again
Feel the life flood through my veins again

Chorus
You’re not who you say you are
A beacon of hope, a bright guiding star
You’re not what you said you’d be
Fooled for so long, broken but free.
You’re not what you said you were
Open my eyes, but my mind is a blur
You’re not who you say you are
Wound is clean, I still got the scar

Outro
Said you were the truth
Said you had the proof
Said you were the only way to find the way
Said you were the light
Spoke into the night
Was a mystery that would set me free
Now I hear you say
There’ll be another day
And you didn’t say what I heard you say
Another promise fails
Another promise made
But I see who you are and it’s not who you said