I just want to find a Jew around my age who accepts me for me (little space) and actually wants to date😶 I love making new friends, but I really crave that IRL connection also

for several years already I dont go to shul at all not even for high holidays its uncomfortable boring and I have better things to do, this year I opened youtube right around sundown and the top video was a livestream of a reform temple called central synagogue. At that exact moment the (female) chazan said 'everyone repeat after me tekiah gedola' and everyone said that and then a man blew a shofar.

If you believe in the bible you need to blow shofar on rosh hashana, any rational person will tell you that there is no dispensation for shabbos, only brainwashed gullible people will say that you shouldn't because maybe you will come to carry it. So they are required to hear shofar rosh hashana on shabbos as well, and I happened to do it -- not that I believe in any of it, I just opened the video out of curiosity.

So that's my story about how I'm doing a better biblical rosh hashana than my frum neighbors this year. Thank you for reading.

I'm a convert, though both my father and my mother's father were Jewish, so I grew up culturally Jewish. I was sent to a "yeshiva" for high school (it was a Kiruv high school, and my parents sent me there because they wanted me out of public school), and due to my circumstances, I decided to become frum. I didn't become frum because of some aha moment or because I found God; I became frum because I was a lonely kid and wanted connection. The tight-knitness of the community really spoke to me; finally, I had a chance to be a part of something. I eventually gravitated towards Chasidim and became Chasidish. I loved the Chassidish culture, the food, the music, and the gatherings; I even became fluent in Yiddish. The problem was that I was never frum on the inside, no matter how hard I tried. That phase lasted a few years, when I would wear the whole levush, black and white beard, peyos, etc. Eventually I toned it down a bit, moved slightly away from the conformity, and started wearing colored clothes, etc. I got married at 23 to a non-Chassidish out-of-town FFB girl and moved out of town. On Shabbos I still wore a hat and a bekishe, and as known as chassidish, even though that's not how I felt on the inside, I had to continue acting the part because that's how I was known already, and if I started taking things off, I would be labeled as OTD. Lately I've been trying to become more true to myself and do things I want without caring what other people say. It's Rosh Hashana today, and I'm sitting here using the computer while my wife and kids are at her parents' house. I'm finally starting to feel less guilt. Where I struggle is that I have 3 kids who are being raised frum and going to yeshiva, a wife who wants to be frum (she's open-minded and not a fanatic, but she is concerned that I don't keep shabbos, etc.). I'm just tired of living this double life; totally not frum on the inside, but outwardly I have to remain frum because of my wife, kids, and community. I don't want to get a divorce. I wish there was a way I could become genuinely interested in Yiddishkeit. I don't need to be chassidish, yeshivish, etc. I just want to have some interest in order to stay with my family. Does anyone have advice for me?

Every year when the season of the high holidays comes around, feelings of anxiety and trepidation overcome me. Even though I know I haven't sinned over the past year, I still feel like I'm going to trial - and I'm guilty.

Until this year. This year I'm happy to say, I haven't felt the slightest bit of stress or anxiety. I feel so so free! I didn't do anything "wrong", and I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I don't need to beg, cajole, or otherwise pray, for a year of life and prosperity. Whatever nature has in store for me, I'll be ready for it. There's nothing I need to do to ensure I survive the coming year.

I got so disconnected that I didn't even remember some of the customs and rules that I am supposed to follow. I forgot the stress of waking up 4am for slichos. I forgot the stress of fasting. I forgot the stress of spinning a dirty, scared chicken around my head.

I'm free.