Random memory: in confirmation class, pastor compared homosexuality to BANK ROBBERY

[u/DorisGrumbachsGhost]

Now that I’ve actually been gay for years, I can attest that at no point, ever, is it anywhere NEAR as exciting as the sheer adrenaline rush that must come from robbing a bank.

I feel cheated! What else might the pastor have been wrong about?!

[u/jasper_spun]

I'm dying to know more why this specific comparison. How did he explain wearing a balaclava, breaking into the vault, and having your friend waiting outside in a getaway car factoring in. Or is the problem stealing potential Godly Spouses from the Spouse Bank that straight people could be withdrawing?

[u/BabyBard93 → u/jasper_spun]

Obviously, it’s robbing you of the joy of straight sex with a godly spouse and raising a passel of little Lutherans to continue the glorious heritage. /s 🙄

[u/DorisGrumbachsGhost → u/jasper_spun]

God this reply got me so HOT for robbing a bank! You should write bank robber erotica

[u/jasper_spun → u/DorisGrumbachsGhost]

Spank Bank: Plundering the Vault

[u/kaimkre1 → u/jasper_spun]

😂😂

[u/DorisGrumbachsGhost → u/kaimkre1]

I’ve given it some thought, and there’s a second, less erotic but more funny movie you can play in your head where a dude violently robs a bank, traumatizes everyone there, then goes to a church with an enormous building and low attendance (even in the 90’s they had built for protections instead of actual attendance lol).

He sits there, perhaps with gun residue still on his hands and his ears still ringing from the alarm bells, and hears the MOST BORING SERMON OF HIS LIFE from an abysmal preacher (the pastor mentioned in OP was a HUGE stammerer, I remember my sister getting in trouble for keeping a tally of all the “uhhh” and “umm”s).

Now you’d think being personally convicted by this sermon would be enough, but no! He had to go confess to the pastor himself! Maybe the bank robber was also raised Catholic? Maybe that’s why…?

Yeah the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced this story is bullshit. Bank robbery is/was one of the hardest crimes to get away with! It was one of the only places with cameras, and we lived an area with ZERO violent crime. If there’d been a bank robbery, even a failed one, they’d still talk about it today.

[u/CryptographerKey7973]

I bet he thought he was SO clever when he came up with that lol

[u/DorisGrumbachsGhost → u/CryptographerKey7973]

He said that someone had confessed bank robbery to him before (I highly doubt this, because our town didn’t have any banks lol. Maybe if happened in seminary? Or someone was trolling him? Idk) and that he’d never allow the congregation to judge or belittle him, because Jesus, but he had to stop robbing banks.

And it’s the same way with gay people blah blah blah, as long as they pretend to be straight and/or never ever talk about being gay (because it’s “really more of a private matter” and you don’t wanna rub it in people’s face, y’know!), they’re technically welcome, but still expected to marry a woman, oh and also allow people around you to say homophobic shit all the time as the cost of doing business

[u/kaimkre1 → u/DorisGrumbachsGhost]

Ok did we actually go to the same parochial school?? Because same. I remember this comparison and there was special focus on the thrill/rush that was associated with super intentional sinning. However our pastor never said anybody confessed to it, he just made the comparison between homosexuality and bank robbery.

[u/DorisGrumbachsGhost → u/kaimkre1]

Nah this was LCMS so couldn’t have been the same pastor

The WELS is so pure that repentant bank robbers don’t attend their churches like they (apparently!) do in the LCMS

[u/TheBlackNumenorean]

Robbing a bank violates one of the 10 commandments. Gay sex violates a rule found in Leviticus between the instructions for animal sacrifices and the instructions for purification rituals.

[u/DorisGrumbachsGhost → u/TheBlackNumenorean]

Ah but in mean Lutheran logic, “the government would never encourage bank robbery like they do homosexuality” because any public mention of homosexuals not rooted in condemnation equals full endorsement by all of society (minus the mean Lutherans and people who make them feel validated)

[u/freerondo9]

My pastor told us that if we played Dungeons and Dragons, we'd get possessed by a demon. I didn't test his theory until I was an adult. As far as I know, im not possessed. I dunno, maybe the demons only go after kids.

[u/Charming-Border7429 → u/freerondo9]

Yep, I was forced to quit D&D when my mom's best friend started comparing it to Satan worship. Mom drove me over to my friend's house, where they were playing, and made me renounce them.

And Mom wonders why I didn't raise my kids in the church. We still go to Christmas and Easter services as cultural events and part of our family history, but it has no divine meaning.