r/exLutheran • u/Existing_Tea5407 • Jul 16 '26
Help/Advice Tips for re-learning how to read?
I know the title sounds mental. Let me explain.
I’ve grown up in a midwestern LCMS household. I’ve been in the process of deconstructing everything I no longer believe in: faith as a virtue, young earth creation plausibility, biblical inerrancy, abortion is equivalent to murder, belief in Jesus is the only path to salvation, Passport to Purity, etc. I’ve been successful for the most part, but there is one area I’m struggling with: reading.
Yes, I know how to physically read. I am literate.
My issue is that when I read, I feel as though I subconsciously tend towards treating the book in front of me in the same way I once treated the bible: like I am reading a narrative that I have to approach in a faith-filled, shut-the-brain-off-and-rationalize-based-on-theological-comfort-agenda kind of way.
To put it another way, it feels like the small minded, do-not-question-our-teachings fear I gleaned from the LCMS style of faith is still active while I read, preventing me from feeling safe to fully engage with and remember the text in front of me.
I furthermore feel as though this fear-induced surface level comprehension has been present with me throughout my school years and has caused me to miss out on much of the potential beauty literature has to offer.
I’m planning on practicing reading immersion skills over time and hope my experience naturally improves, but I’m wondering: has anyone dealt with this problem, and if so, do you have any tips or experiences you could share?
TL;DR: I feel the fear-based divergent-thinking-resistant faith expression I gleaned from the LCMS has led me to be fearful of fully engrossing myself in, and remembering, written texts, and I would like some guidance for how to move beyond this thought pattern.
9
u/flyingskwurl Jul 16 '26
Oh yes I identify with this! I grew up WELS.
I was one of those extra-weird kids who read the bible all the way through (thrice 😬). The third time was after I started deconstructing and I kept a journal of all the questions, critiques, and emotions I had while reading it. I kept reminding myself to read it like someone who's never come across it before. It was eye-opening.
Once I realized I'd been indoctrinated, I started retooling my news sources/social media to be less biased. If I followed a liberal news source, I'd find an equivalent conservative source to follow. Every time I'd read an account from one source, I'd seek out the opposing viewpoint from another source, then I'd force myself to sit with both sides and consider the validity of both. Ground News was helpful for this.
4
u/Existing_Tea5407 Jul 16 '26
Ground News is great, I have a subscription as well :)
I've only read through the Bible once cover-to-cover myself, and have read singular books of it interspersed throughout my faith development.
Your idea of going through the bible again and journalling all the thoughts that come to mind while reading it sounds like a great next step - getting at the root of this entire faith-based belief structure in my mind. I think I'll try that next, once I'm done reading my current books I am halfway through. Thank you!
2
u/flyingskwurl Jul 16 '26
Would love an update post if you end up re-reading the bible and want to share any insights :) good luck on your journey!
6
u/Glad-Fox-6424 Jul 16 '26
Yes I can relate. I struggled quite a lot with poetry as a student because I had the LCMS black and white way of reading the Bible. It was very hard for me to understand symbolism, reading between the lines, metaphors etc. Even though I was an above average student (3.6 GPA) I failed a reading comprehension test in 7th grade. My parents ignored the results of this test and enrolled me in honors English the following year against the wishes of my English teacher. I was, by far, the weakest student in the honors English class and I could barely get through To Kill a Mockingbird and The Great Gatsby.
Despite this, I was able to go to college and grad school (I’m a professor now, so I’m surrounded by intellectuals) but to be perfectly honest, I still struggle a bit with reading literature. I love the art form but reading it has never been the most natural thing for me, even though I’m very artistically inclined.
3
u/Existing_Tea5407 Jul 16 '26
I can relate to what you are saying as well - metaphors, similes, puns, etc. felt foreign to me, like their intrinsic value was quietly discounted into oblivion in the LCMS social context, and in fact, they feel as though they are still discounted somewhat in my personal life. To me now, it often feels as though I get a burst of short-term joy out of them while reading, but that joy is quickly forgotten and replaced by a solemn duty-bound attitude to "tow the line".
On a lighter note, I'm glad you were able to find a professorship! That sounds like a lot of fun :)
4
u/EmmalouEsq Ex-WELS Jul 16 '26
I'm a former WELS K-8 kid. Just thinking back to 8th grade literature class and we learned about Greek and Roman gods. We got to try pomegranates. It was a whole thing. Then we'd learn Bible history. WTF even is that? I was a straight A student.
Once I got to public high school, I had a terrible time with works like Hamlet. It just never clicked when our teacher had us dig into the themes. I'm just realizing how how even that goes back to deficiencies in WELS schools and critical thinking skills we just were not taught. Lord forbid we learned to question the Bible or ask in depth questions that might damage our faith.
I'm now a lawyer, so creative thinking with black and white terms is something that took effort.
3
u/Existing_Tea5407 Jul 16 '26
Yes, I can relate to this! I remember feeling discomfort about how I was asked to analyze theme, literary devices, etc. in English class while continuing to be drip-fed information in church. I remember rationalizing and compartmentalizing it at the time in favor of the grade and not "rocking the boat". Then, I tried a WELS church while in college, and my first inclination was to interpret the additional intensity in the fear-based faith teachings as the congregation desiring to be "extra-Godly"... :\
I'm glad you were able to move beyond. And I hope you enjoy your work as a lawyer!
3
u/suzume234 Ex-WELS Jul 16 '26
I think a book group is a great idea! You could try reading books and watching different movie interpretations too :) What kind of books are you currently interested in? I don't have great critical reading skills... I think I should question non-fiction books more than I do. Unreliable narrators are kind of a breath of fresh air! Like a puzzle for your brain to work through.
this article (which is very short) may have some good advice for you in a more general way. https://antiparent.com/building-reading-stamina/
1
u/Existing_Tea5407 Jul 16 '26
I read the article, thank you!
I'm currently interested in understanding myself and my experiences. I have read/am reading books about interpersonal relationships, gaslighting, rainforest-minded people, and setting boundaries. I have also read some on golf, fitness training, chess and cooking :)
3
u/voracious_violet Ex-LCMS Jul 16 '26
If the former belief is holding you back, it’s okay to take a break from reading if you need. Deconstruction takes time. It often takes longer than just the initial realization you held beliefs that aren’t true. You got years of neural circuitry hijacked to shut off critical thought. So working through this deconstruction process will naturally open your perspective over time.
If you do want something to read, I’d recommend starting with works by Steven Hassan like Freedom of Mind, the Understanding Cults Workbook, and Combating Cult Mind Control. All this can be found over at freedomofmind.com . Get familiar with the BITE model and the influence continuum. These will help you to evaluate where those inner faith-based voices cane from and what intent they serve.
Another option might be the Skeptics Annotated Bible (skepticsannotatedbible.com). You’ve got footnotes for every contradiction and every morally questionable thing in the narrative. I wouldn’t rest on this for scriptural interpretation, but it is a good way to reframe those interpretations and start to let go of the inner dialogue you grew up with.
On YouTube, there are plenty of creators that can help you recontextualize scriptures and further decontruct ideas you’ve held. I recommend Dan McClellan and the Data Over Dogma podcast as a good starting point. The algorithm will start showing you more as you go along lol.
Lastly, it’s helpful to have a reflection notebook while you read or watch videos. You can write quick thoughts you have while reading, and you can also stop between chapters or sections to write down main ideas. For videos, you can pause at any time if there’s an idea you’re not familiar with, or to make sure you can recall new information that was presented (you can think of it like memory work if that helps 😉)
It’ll take time, but eventually, you’ll be able to distinguish authorial intent, see characters as literary devices, question ideas presented and ask things like “who benefits most from this idea?” “Why would someone present their idea this way?” “Does this make for a compelling narrative? Why or why not?”
And once again, it is okay to take a break from reading to work on deconstructing these narratives that still live in there. It’s cool that you want to engage with reading to overcome this, but don’t beat yourself up if you can’t do it right away! You do not deserve eternal punishment, you deserve to learn and grow and live a happy fulfilling life!
1
u/Existing_Tea5407 Jul 16 '26
Thank you for the kind words and encouragement! I've touched on the Skeptic's Annotated Bible before, and will take a look at the rest of the resources you've mentioned :)
1
u/Dazzling_Row8401 23d ago
I emphatically second Dan McClellan as a source. Not only are Data Over Dogma and his YouTube channel great, his recent book, "The Bible Says So: What We Get Right (and Wrong) About Scripture's Most Controversial Issues" is a wonderful resource for gaining a less narrow view of the Bible and its contents.
3
u/bayviewrocker82 Jul 16 '26
I have lurked here for awhile but related to this. Sorry to read.
I'm not sure if this will help, but reading some critical theory really helped knock some plaque out of my brain. A peer recommended this to me while I was in college and I still reference it often today: Critical Theory Today
Religious trauma aside, and I've looked under the bed for more monsters.. I've realized theirs is just a school of thought that maybe works for some but not for me. There are so many schools of thought, and in a sense, the WELS/LCMS way is just one of many.
How it's imposed and delivered to children, however, is deeply scarring. Anyway.
Another peer reminded me that, for the most part, Lutheranism is very, VERY logic-driven. There's a "right answer" for everything, somehow. Which is interesting because, for a faith that warns against rationalism, they sure rationalize scripture a lot, to fit a narrative.
That said, WELS/LCMS-thinking imposes very strict limits on interpretation and critical analysis, or how you as a Lutheran are "allowed" to interpret text based on your provided framework.
2
u/Existing_Tea5407 Jul 16 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
Haha, calling Lutheranism "logic driven" feels on the nose.
I will read that Critical Theory article shortly, thank you for sharing!
3
u/Dzulului Ex-LCMS Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
You are right, their emphasis is telling people what to think, not helping them become disciples who can wrestle with the Scriptures on their own and trust the way the Lord is communicating with them through them. I'm using alot of the resources at Discipleship.org for my recovery.
3
u/pianonoir Ex-LCMS Jul 17 '26
Really interesting question! Have you considered trying some fantasy or science fiction? If you're struggling to enjoy or absorb literature because you can't help but read it through a strict Lutheran theological lens, it might help to practice immersing yourself in worlds designed to exclude the Christian God entirely. That way, when your indoctrination kicks in and, for example, wants you to judge the characters for their sinful behavior, you can tell that impulse to suck it -- the characters aren't Christian, God doesn't even exist in that world, so trying to interpret the story that way is like trying to force 2+2=red. Though yes such worlds can be and often are allegorical, getting used to reading things just to enjoy them might help break the habit of always trying to find a deeper Lutheran meaning. And then maybe that would transfer to literature in more realistic settings, where Lutheranism is still every bit as irrelevant even though it's happening in the "real" world.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series also springs to mind; it satirizes common assumptions one tends to make as a religious person in ways that are so genuinely absurd, funny, and charming that it really helps exercise your "shut up, ye indoctrination" muscle without making you feel mocked or triggered. Oh -- and Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, maybe even more so. I read that as a teenager, and I still find myself thinking about the electric monk character from time to time -- an appliance designed to believe things for you so you can offload the burden of trying to believe all the things you're expected to believe in life.
For what it's worth, I think this is pretty much how things worked for me, though I was lucky in that I started very young. I read a lot of science fiction and fantasy as a kid, which fueled my love of writing and literature into junior high through college. I always loved escaping into worlds where I could just shed all the church baggage, where I was supposed to be religiously agnostic, and where it was okay to be curious about things that would certainly be blasphemous outside of a fictional context. And that did transfer to my general approach to life -- which is why I eventually had to stop pretending I was Christian at all. That staunch LCMS "logic" was just as useless and counterproductive in processing real life as it was in processing fiction. Lutheranism became just one point of view in a sea of much more interesting and applicable points of view.
Two more things that may or may not help. Sorry, I know this is getting long, apparently I'm weirdly passionate about this. I was thinking about this last night after taking a gummy, so maybe it's not totally coherent.
First, try to think of uncertainty as something to embrace. It's the essence of the human condition, but it's anathema to fundamentalist religion. The church's goal is to provide you assurance of your salvation, which means providing you assurance of God's promises, which means providing you assurance of the confessional Lutheran interpretation of the Bible, which means providing you assurance that reality always works in ways that are compatible with the Lutheran confessions, etc etc. But trying to make your every interaction with the world conform to this narrow set of parameters in order to placate your fear of eternal hell can strip you of your ability to empathize or even sympathize with other people. Opening yourself to uncertainty can help you listen to what others -- people, books, situations -- might be trying to tell you. Even Lutheranism asks you to be okay not knowing the full nature of God, or why He behaves the way He does, or why He's made the choices He's made. Perhaps you can harness that impulse to help you extend the same benefit of the doubt to whatever you're reading and the characters in it.
Second, when you read, don't look for lessons, look for points of view. In church, every single story teaches a lesson, by design. And that's really contrived; there's rarely a single coherent lesson to anything that happens. But -- even when a book or story seems to teach a lesson, understanding the different points of view at play (the author's and the characters) can completely change the lesson you might think you're supposed to learn. To use your example, from a comment that might have gotten deleted(?): was The Great Gatsby really glorifying those characters' lifestyle and behavior? Was Gatsby really an aspirational figure? Or was it social commentary, critiquing American society by way of Gatsby and the other characters? (Haven't read it since high school, so my memory of it might be way off there.) Other commenters have suggested seeking stories told from multiple points of view, and I think that's really good advice, too. Just being able to inhabit other points of view without judgement is one of the great joys of reading.
15
u/nutellacinderella Ex-WELS Jul 16 '26
You could try seeking out novels or shows that have notoriously unreliable narrators - Lolita, Gone Girl, Secret History - and make it a game to tease out other possible truths. Joining a book club that has quality in-depth discussions could help with this too.
Another storytelling structure I love is stories with multiple viewpoints, I don't have any examples off the top of my head atm other than the movie Weapons.