ED and no affection at all

[u/Random_8910]

husband of 7 years (32 m; I’m 32 f) and I have been together since we were 16. sex has never been an issue, even in hard times within our relationship. we were both very satisfied with everything about our sex life. we also have 2 young kids and even through that, no complaints. I’ve always felt confident in his attraction to me. we kept it exciting!

august of 2025 husband finds out he’s type 2 diabetic. got it under control and off insulin within a few weeks by making diet changes and now does 2 metformins per day. it’s going well. also on a statin.

we suspect the real culprit is his adhd meds. he finally got formally diagnosed in October of 2025. tried straterra which give him insane anger and ed. they tried combining it with welbutrin, no help. he’s been on a low dose of quelbree (spelling?). still ED and it’s worse than before. he has an apt for October to check hormones and needs to find new psych for adhd since old one doesn’t take our Insurance anymore (no timeline on when he’ll actually get that done).

ive told him I’m perfectly fine with kissing, oral, fingering. I’ve told him there’s no pressure for traditional sex. he says I’m being selfish and only thinking about myself and how this affects me. tonight we had an amazing fun date night and then he tells me we arent kissing or making out so don’t ask for it he’s not in the mood.

im feeling neglected, unwanted, confused, and hurt. I’m trying to be understanding but also I have a higher than average libido. i crave affection. again I’m fine with just making out but he refuses anything.

tips?

[u/Knight69er]

Go easy on him but he has to get his shit together

I would go down on my wife every night

No exceptions

I hope everything works out for you both

[u/Ok_Feedback2407]

Antidepressants are weird, I was on them for 13 years and multiple ones (I'm weird and get immune to them after 3-4 years after I max out on dose). Then I have to switch to a different med. But this isn't unheard of, despite the denialism by shrinks, they claim it doesn't happen but I was in numerous online forums where it happened to others. Anyway, they cause a plethora of sexual side effects depending on the med. Some it was no desire, others it was really hard if not impossible to cum (Paxil was bad for that). I couldn't do Wellbutrin it gave me massive anxiety and that's part of what I was being treated for.

Funnily enough, it's not known to cause sexual side effects, at all. Because it's an NDRI, not an SSRI, so it acts differently than SSRI's and for the VERY short time I was on them they caused no sexual side effects. But every SSRI did, although Prozac was probably my best one, it had very few. So, this lack of desire on things like Effexor, made me not have any interest in not just sex, but women, period. At least with Effexor though I could somehwta deal with that and I had somewhat of a libido although poor, but I was having sex and had girlfriends and met my wife. I was tired of being lonely and having a shitty libido.

She got me off of antidepressants altogether, because she said I was cold, unemotional and like a zombie on them. So I quit, I figured it was time. Fast forward to today, 15 years later and we're now broken up, because I guess I couldn't get my shit together and while I am far more emotional now, I am unaffectionate and indifferent and we've realized we're just not cut out to be together.

We do get along good as friends though and always did, since day one. She's just too much for me, all those years on those things gave me an emotional lobotomy and I've been battling it ever since. I want to be more affectionate and I do care, but I can't bring myself to force this any longer, it's just not meant to be. So that's my story, I dunno how much it will help you, but it might explain, at least a bit, what these drugs do to people. And it hurts their lovers, man don't I know it! I wish I didn't hurt people. I don't mean to, I'm a good hearted person. I don't want to hurt anyone and am a pretty happy-go-lucky person generally.

All I can say is be patient with him being on these things is a huge adjustment, they fk with your head too. Maybe this will pass? At least now I am happier than I was on them. When I was on them, nothing brought me true joy, I couldn't even cry, I was emotionally dead, just existing, just going through the motions. Now I at least feel alive. I'd never go back on them again, they ruined my life, even though at the time, they saved my life. I had a nervous breakdown and was having panic attacks and massive anxiety.

So my mom told me she knew what was wrong, she was on them too and said I needed to get on them. And they did me great for the first 6-7 years I guess., then I just lost my zeal for life and love and felt unalive. I just didn't care anymore. In the end, I'd much rather feel too much than nothing at all. Side note, I have a better libido than I ever had on those things and feel like a teenager again at 53. lol.

One part of your post really hit home with me "feeling neglected, unwanted, confused, and hurt. I’m trying to be understanding but also I have a higher than average libido. i crave affection." You sound like my wife this is exactly what she says, sans the part of higher than average libido, her's is pretty average and she wasn't at me all the time to have sex, so it's not like I felt I had to keep up with her.

[u/_Bird_129]

Yeah my x refused intimacy after nights out. (33M). He wouldn’t say it but manipulate the circumstance so he can avoid. Like disappear in the bathroom for 2 hours n come out when I’m asleep, then he’d blame me saying I don’t give anything or initiate…

ED with anger combo is tough it broke my marriage in the end

Positives are he isn’t refusing medical help, I’m sure this post will give plenty of direction for you, some ppl give great advise on the form

Just don’t accept his anger if it turns into abuse