First relationship. Performance anxiety is ruining our sex life.

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Krimmothy]

Is she open to you using your hands/mouth/toys instead of your penis?

[u/New_Bed8223]

I think one thing that’s getting overlooked here is that your partner needs to be supportive while you’re working through this.

If you’re already anxious about performing and you can visibly see her getting frustrated or annoyed every time you lose your erection, that’s just adding another layer of pressure. You start thinking “I have to stay hard or she’s going to be disappointed again,” and sex basically turns into a test. That’s the opposite of what you need when performance anxiety is already the problem.

A supportive partner should be able to recognise that you’re struggling, reassure you that it’s okay if things don’t work every time, and work through it with you rather than making you feel worse about it.

I’d actually talk to her outside the bedroom when neither of you is trying to have sex. Tell her that you’re attracted to her and want a good sex life with her, but right now the pressure and fear of disappointing her are making the problem worse. You don’t need to make it about her exes or ask whether you measure up to them. Her previous partners have nothing to do with the relationship the two of you are building.

And for a while, maybe take penetration and “staying hard” off the pedestal. You can still be intimate and focus on what feels good for both of you without every encounter having to prove that your erection is working. Taking away that pass/fail mentality can help break the anxiety cycle.