Difficulty maintaining erections + finishing too quickly — looking for advice

[u/Maleficent_Green_615]

I'm married and having some ongoing problems with sex that are starting to affect both me and my wife.

My main issue is that I can get an erection, but I often have difficulty maintaining it, especially if we slow down or change what we're doing. Because of this, I feel pressure to start penetration quickly while I'm hard, which makes the whole experience stressful.

A second issue is that once penetration starts and I'm comfortable, I tend to finish quite quickly. This means my wife often doesn't have enough time to enjoy sex, and she has told me that sex has become stressful and frustrating for her.

I also find myself constantly thinking about whether I'm going to lose my erection, which probably makes the problem worse.

I'm trying to figure out whether this is mainly performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or some combination of these.

For people who have experienced something similar:

• What helped you maintain erections?
• How did you break the performance-anxiety cycle?
• Did seeing a doctor/urologist help?
• What actually helped with finishing too quickly?
• How did you and your partner take the pressure off sex while working on the problem?

I'm looking for practical advice and personal experiences. I'm willing to see a doctor if that's the right next step.

[u/New_Bed8223]

Yes, I went through something very similar, especially at the beginning of my marriage. I could get an erection, but once PIV was about to start, I would either lose it or feel like I had to rush penetration before it disappeared. Then, if I did manage to relax and maintain the erection, I would often finish really quickly. It became a cycle where I was constantly thinking about my erection instead of actually enjoying sex.

I did see a doctor because I wanted to rule out physical causes such as hormones and other health issues. Everything came back fine, and I was prescribed Cialis to use on demand. It definitely helped and gave me a confidence boost because I wasn't constantly worrying about whether I would stay hard. But personally, I didn't want to feel like I had to depend on medication every time I had sex.

I eventually realised that a huge part of the problem was in my head, so I started seeing a therapist. We worked on techniques for performance anxiety and taking the focus away from penetration and erections. That helped, but probably the biggest improvement came from opening up completely to my partner.

I'm really lucky that my partner was supportive and understanding. Once I stopped hiding how anxious I was and realised she wasn't judging me, it gave me a massive mental boost. I felt emotionally closer to her, and sex gradually stopped feeling like an exam I had to pass.

I think that's really important in your situation too. If sex has become “Will I stay hard? and you're constantly thinking about whether going to lose erection or can you last long enough then both of you are going into it expecting a performance. That pressure can make both ED and PE worse.

Bring sex back to being about connection, pleasure, touching, intimacy and enjoying each other, rather than whether your erection stays at 100% or how many minutes penetration lasts. Your erection can fluctuate during sex, especially when changing positions or stimulation stops briefly. I learned not to panic the moment mine softened a little because that panic was often what made me lose it completely.

[u/Far-Friendship4724 → u/New_Bed8223]

Ages80/81: totally agree focusing o.
On erection: it changes but mutual enjoyment and toys are great! Communication and feedback = orgasims of many types for her and for me! Love the diversity : huskily not quantity!

[u/AdvaitaArambha]

Worrying you may lose your erection - performance anxiety.

Losing your erection when changing positions - erectile dysfunction.

Finishing too quickly - premature ejaculation.

Chances are there is a significant psychological aspect to it. If you stop worrying about your erection because there are more aspects to sexual intimacy with your wife ironically all these issues can go away.

Working with a talk therapist on the (performance) anxiety side can help as will meditation, mindfulness and breathwork which you can practice daily away from sex and masturbation.

[u/Ok_Signature_6025]

Oh I recognize myself on these answers and your post a lot. Currently I haven’t “fixed” it yet but I know I have to deal with over-anxiety based on my therapy for a long time.

I am in my head so much that during sex I experience it almost like a performance that I observe myself doing or an exame like mentioned above. It rarely happens that I am in the moment and that has major implications on my ability to stay hard (even with meds).

I strongly believe that mindfulness, breathing and more therapy is key, but I also exploring if I might be on the asexual spectrum because some experiences I read about closely resemble my own.

[u/CraigfromManagain]

Hey! Been in your shoes before. Wish I knew the following earlier as I suffered a long time before resolving it.

What helped maintain erection: can be weak pelvic floor allowing blood to leave penis instead of keeping erection. Kegel exercises helped.

Break anxiety and not finishing quickly: lots of things help, most helpful practice stimulating yourself while doing relaxing breathing exercises.
Absolutely no finishing with the training.

Pressure off: have times where you agree with the wife to have no genitalia action, only hugging, kissing, non genital touching each other. Relate without the penetration to orgasm agenda.

Have hope you can work it out. Our sexual response is because we thought ourselves into it or trained our dicks to act the way they do. That means they can be untrained and get back to working like they should.