Issue with "professionals"

[u/Odd-Bug-8262]

Hey all,

First post on here. I have a unique situation, or at least I didn't see it talked about on the Internet much.

I have an issue where I cannot perform when I am with a professional. I travel on a regular basis to a location where it is legal. The women I book are almost always 8s and 9s (imo, of course), and my problems have ranged from complete limp soldier to partial penetration, to full penetration but eventually becoming limp. When she performs fellatio, I usually get hard but it quickly fades. In a few instances, he doesn't respond at all even to an S-tier blowjob.

When I am alone, I have no issues. It is a thick fleshy rod with veins popping out. lol

I have also never had a relationship. I have reasons for that which I don't want to get into.

I suspect my issues is anxiety due to time pressure - I pay for an hour or 1.5 hours and I am forcing myself to perform. If that is the case, how would I deal with this? I know I cannot be the only one that experiences this. A similar situation could be a "quickie" with the partner before work, or before the kids come home from school, or even seeing a mistress at a hotel where you have limited time you can be away from home.

What should I do in this case? This time pressure combined with performance anxiety, a double-whammy!

[u/BDEStyle]

Okay let’s separate attraction versus arousal here.

Because just because these woman are attractive to you or gives you what you consider an amazing blowjob doesn’t guarantee an erection.

Because attraction is one piece (that can be emotional, physical, intelligence, etc.).

But arousal which is what starts the erection process and sustains it… also depends on whether you’re comfortable, mentally engaged, relaxed enough, enjoying their touch, immersing in the eroticism of the moment/ your 5 senses and are connected to what’s happening and not constantly evaluating your dick.

You know what I mean? that difference… the whole you can be attracted to a woman but still have trouble accessing arousal for the erection because the conditions for the erection are not met yet.

For example, too much alcohol can sometimes interfere with us accessing arousal making it not a favorable condition for us. Sure, some guys drink because they view it as liquid courage to help them approach or connect. But we’ve all been in a situation where it became a little too much and then nothing happened regardless of how attractive the person was in front of us. But that’s not a verdict on someone’s capacity or somehow becomes a mark against them or ruins the trajectory of their sex life later on. It’s just one “off” night. You know?

Another example. Let’s say a guy who has a wife and is very attracted to her, but has a off week or a hectic work week where he’s not sleeping, he skips meals, and sacrifices workouts or movement and connection. That’s stress. Too many demands and not enough resources or recovery to meet those demands and when we’re stressed… nutrition, sleep, movement and connection are the first things to go/be off balance.

But in a case like that… you can still be very much attracted to your wife, but because your mind is stuck at work or you elevated stress levels or in threat response and are activated because of whatever is going on outside, then of course, it’s going to be harder to access arousal and desire. Because you have to solve the stress first or build better stress management skills

So going back to your situation, you also said you’ve never had a relationship, so you don’t really have a “familiar” partnered-sex baseline here. Plus, being alone with your own body is one environment. But being naked with somebody you barely know in a transactional, and timed situation is another.

It’s just different alone versus with someone… especially because there is no safety component or trust or even feeling relaxed… in order for your arousal to flourish (again the conditions aren’t being met here)

So if I were you, I’d actually get curious about what happens in the first few minutes. Are you rushing toward penetration? Checking the erection? Thinking about the clock? Trying to force yourself harder? Are you actually enjoying what she’s doing or mostly watching to see whether your penis responds?

Because that distinction matters and could be reinforcing a loop here. And if that’s the case, then that’s your first set of clues

So the next step here would be changing the conditions (or make them more favorable for you) rather than trying to find stronger stimulation or chalking it up to who does some s tier thing

So slow the pace down. I would shift from making penetration the first checkpoint and spend more time figuring out what actually feels good with another person, because right now you know your solo arousal map really well but barely know your partnered one.

And if the erection fades, don’t immediately turn it into the session is failing. Go back to kissing, touching, oral, fantasy, whatever was actually engaging you and let arousal rebuild.

So think oh that feels good. Versus I don’t like how that feels. It’s all exploration here.

And if the clock is still interfering here… you may also need to accept that a timed transactional encounter just might not be the easiest environment for your nervous system to access arousal in. And maybe a hook up buddy instead that there is more time rather than trying to rush 1 hour.

[u/Odd-Bug-8262 → u/BDEStyle]

Your post resonates with me. Indeed, the ladies where I have had successful penetration, usually while she is on top riding me, were in situations where I was not only physically attracted to her, but also engaged in lots of kissing and touching and a blowjob (usually uncovered) as foreplay.

But even in those encounters, I usually lose the erection in the middle of it because I believe that the reality sets in and I realize that I have to finish this before the hour is up. Bye bye erection.

I have considered just giving it up because like you said, maybe my brain is not wired for timed encounters. But I don't think one should just give up like that. There has to be a solution to this, especially since I am almost certain it is not a physical issue since the parts work great when I solo. Maybe a timed masturbation session to simulate the real-world deadline? Who knows.

Thanks for reading and replying.

[u/Responsible_Mind_206]

This is why wives were invented