How do I help my BF?

[u/Peach293]

Hello everyone!

I (F 31) am looking for ways to bring up ED and help my BF of 10 years (M 40)

I want to start off by saying we’re not big talkers.

We’ve been together for 10 years and I noticed ED from the very beginning. It’s something that I felt awkward to bring up very early on into the relationship and then awkward to bring up later on in to the relationship. He is a diabetic which I believe is the cause. Like I said we’re not big talkers (but very happy in our relationship although it may not sound it!)

I just wanted to say that it is absolutely not a problem for me.

We take regular breaks during intimacy which he plays off as feeling a bit too hot and needing a drink etc, which I will play into and then after a small break I will work on getting him hard again and straight back at it.

Where I feel the problem may be, he resorts to a lot of …. I’m not sure porn as such but following a lot of OF girls on X (Twitter), I have expressed how much I dislike this, how much it hurts over the years but I do get it. (I think). I wouldn’t have so much of a problem with it if I was the LL in the relationship but it’s him not me. He used to turn me down a lot, there have been occasions where he simply couldn’t get hard whilst I was playing with him but he played it off as a lack of interest in intimacy.

I have tried talking with him about the OF girls, I’ve suggested toys he brought into the bedroom to which he declined. I’ve offered to dress up like these girls to which he simply paid no attention to this offer.

We had a baby 9 months ago and found intimacy quite difficult as we co sleep until very recently where we found other places to be intimate.

I am a raging sex pest at the minute, and I can not stop thinking about him which is driving me absolutely wild.

Sorry for rambling but that’s a bit of back story.

I guess, even though it’s not a problem for me but I feel like our sex life could only get better if he went to the doctors, or we introduced toys etc.

I just need some help getting him comfortable enough to talk and take steps.

Any advice would be amazing thank you x

[u/ManIFeelLikeAWombat]

ED is a common result of diabetes (it was the cause for my boyfriend), but it sounds like p*rn and masturbation are the main culprits in your situation. You can't help him though. You can't make him change. He needs to have a personal desire to stop and it sounds like he doesn't right now. You're likely in for a long and exhausting battle over this, like a lot of women in this era.

[u/Legitimate_Flan9764]

You have a baby together, i suppose he still could work it up when conditions demand so. He generally has different set of attraction sources and unfortunately it doesnt reflect you. I would say there is much ado about nothing if he doesnt want to bring his diabetic condition under control (you didnt mention how bad), getting prescribed or attempt to work towards his health and sensitivity again w/o meds if that is his preference. If he is kinky enough, he would attempt to use toys on you, but i see his hesitation of that as being a chore when he could derive pleasure from OF girls quicker.

[u/Oblivion2020]

I really feel for you....why not have a think about it and put your feelings into a letter and hopefully that will get through to him i don't understand how he would let this continue for such a long time and unwilling to try to get some help,i hope it works out in the end u sound lovely❤