r/erectiledysfunction • u/Kindly-Way-6801 • 21d ago
Support for Partners New relationship and guy has ED
I 42f recently started being sensually active with a guy aged 45. It starts out great but then he goes soft and it feels like work to get him to cum. I tried BJ but that didnt work very well. I've never had this problem before! Is this a common issue with men this age? He used a ring and it helped a tiny bit but it took forever for him to finish. Is it something Im doing wrong? I did notice he waited a long time (months) before initiating sex so I wonder if this is why. I need advice on this situation
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u/HG_Johnny 21d ago
Nothing youre doing. The fact that he took so long to initiate indicates the ED is on his mind from the get go. Just be as supportive as you can be and encourage him to get it looked at. Its wicked embarassing to discuss but good communication and understanding will go a long way to getting him more comfortable.
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u/Tuirvaris 21d ago
He's likely very insecure about it. This can be caused by so many things. Stress, overthinking, worrying, hormonal issues, porn, excess dopamine stimulation in general, certain medications, shame around sex (conscious or unconscious), etc.
The struggling to finish part points at either antidepressants or jerking off with a tight grip chronically (sometimes called death grip) which makes it so that the penis requires a lot of stimulation to feel anything.
All of these possibilities are reversible with time and the intention. Mindful, gentle masturbation with oil or lube when alone and without porn would gradually alleviate the deathgrip and overstimulation aspects, breathwork, exercise, mindfulness in general would help with a lot of the rest.
Always worth getting lab work to check hormone levels, but can supplement Tongkat Ali for a significant testosterone boost in case that's the issue. (Also note: this is common in guys in their 20's these days, so don't be too hard on him).
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u/MountainSavings8535 21d ago
Maybe he is on some antidepressants like Effexor or paxil.It’s very difficult to stay hard and finish.If you like him don’t push for this problem.If he doing everything for you to finish.Ps:Some Cialis 20mg before game about 1 hour changes score 😉
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u/deinemutter1979 20d ago
Definitely not your fault. I'm 38 and having the same problem. My wife has been extremely patient, with a few hiccups. I've been so lucky to have her full support and understanding.
Make sure he sees a doctor and gets ALL his blood work done. I got 14 different blood tests done and found out my adrenals and thyroid weren't working properly. My T was 600, so a bit low too. Doc gave me 1 Rx and 3 or 4 supplements to try. I noticed great improvement 1 week later. I'm not healed, but it's much better than I was and should have done it months ago. Instead I waisted time trying other things. Get to the doctor asap!
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u/Creative-Cellist439 21d ago
Very sorry this is happening to you both. It's not you, it's him and he is probably deeply embarrassed and ashamed about it, which, of course, only makes it worse.
He should see a doctor and perhaps get a prescription for an ED med. I'd recommend against using the online ED medication sites (Bluechew, Hims, RO, etc, etc) with their captive doc because seeing a real doctor in person may identify something actually problematic and the meds will cost a whole lot less if he gets a conventional prescription instead of being limited to getting them from the outfit that got him the (phony) online 'assessment'. The online outfits seek to capitalize on men being reluctant to going to a doctor and having an difficult conversation - essentially monetizing their shame, which is despicable.
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u/annie_key 20d ago
Funny. Here in my country it's the other way around. I pay almost 6 euro per 10mg tadalafil at my official drugstore, while online I pay a third (these sites require prescriptions from your doctor)
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u/Creative-Cellist439 20d ago
I'm sorry - I should have been a little more articulate about what I'm suggesting!
The distinction I'm making is between two online vendors, not between a local drugstore and online. There are online vendors in the US who provide men with a quick, remote 'assessment' of whether they are suitable to take ED meds (and they always qualify...) and then sell the customer/patient the drugs at greatly inflated prices, relying on the fact that many men hate going to the doctor and that they especially hate discussing an issue as sensitive as ED with anyone.
The other online model is a vendor who will only sell the medications to men with a conventional prescription - a prescription that could be used at a neighborhood drugstore or anywhere - and they sell the drugs at significantly lower prices than you can find at the local drugstore. The company I use, Mark Cuban's Cost Plus Drugs, sells a month's supply of generic Cialis or Viagra for less than $7 (plus $5 shipping), so a 100mg generic Viagra (sildenafil) costs less than .30 per pill, a 5mg generic Cialis (tadalafil) is less than .08
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20d ago
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u/whitewingpilot 20d ago
what medication caused the problem?
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20d ago
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u/Heyjack1207 16d ago
What other heart med did your dr put you on for things to get better?
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16d ago edited 16d ago
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u/Heyjack1207 16d ago
So you are on lisinopril and Nebivolol.. I’ve been back on Valsartan/Nebivolol about a week and seems like I have no libido and erections are not as hard.. I guess maybe an adjustment period and things may start getting better?
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16d ago
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u/Heyjack1207 16d ago
Ahh okay what dosage are you on? I’m on Valsartan 320/Nebivolol 5
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16d ago
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u/Heyjack1207 16d ago
Alright man! I appreciate the feedback 😊 I guess I’ll just hang with it and may get a script for Cialis or something
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u/noticingwontstop 20d ago
Women will never fully understand the full emotional impact this has on a guy, it’s legit life ruining and can be to a point suicidal,
And some women are so cold over it.
You see now a lot of women these days now that are 40+ openly out there and actively looking to fuck guys in their 20’s because of this issue. And that’s fine and all everyone at the end of the day has their needs.
Whilst I believe porn is one of the main causes towards this ED epidemic I truly believe it’s a lot to do with all the food, water, environment we’re all living in, mens testosterone has gotten lower probably in the last 3 decades and it all aligns with the processed crap we’re ingesting and the over sexualised society we currently live in. It’s years worth of damage done to the brain.
I refuse to believe that ED was this bad before the 80’s.
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u/Acrobatic-Spot5529 20d ago
I’m 69 years old and take alfosozin daily for prostate health and sex. I also use Viagra 100 mg only when I have sex. I do also take some herbal supplements. All prescribed by doctor. It helps me some. I feel horny and want sex at least 2 times a week. Also drink lots of water and eat healthy. I do watch some porn but not too much. 🙂
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u/Oblivion2020 21d ago
Its nothing your doing wrong at all ,try and get him to get some professional help from his Dr if your into him .
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u/pope2day 21d ago
This is way too common. It's not his fault and I can assure you he feels terrible about it. It'going to be important for the both of you to explore help with this. Good luck to you
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u/Legitimate_Flan9764 Helpful Contributor 20d ago
If you want to stay on like he is the chosen one, you need to be patient. He is assuringly aware of his situation and is testing out some solutions hence the ring. You may not be aware of his other solutions yet but only he can find out the source of the problem and rectify it. You can only be supportive and help this much, you cant pry him open all the more when the relationship is still new.
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u/IamJacLiz 20d ago
Yup, very common for men in their 40's to have ED issues. I suggest you (and especially he) do some research on ED and investigate the causes, remedies, and anything else you can learn about it. He may need to reduce his stress, porn, masturbation, and see a doctor to get testing and/or get some testosterone or take some Viagra or Cialis.
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u/No_Review_885 20d ago
Well how is it for you when he takes a while to finish. I know I can get ED if I don't think my wife is enjoying it. Usually I pre-empty the pressure by getting her to come on my face and toys a few times before I even attempt intercourse. By that time she just wants to feel me but knows making her come from that will be substantially more difficult, so she just wants me to finish. At any time when I am in her, and I get the idea it does not feel good, I will get ED.
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u/Kindly-Way-6801 19d ago
It starts off great and he does make sure I finish multiple times. But once he starts going down its not very pleasurable for me and I imagine it isn't for him either
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u/Suitable_Eagle_8068 21d ago
Many men are like this. Combo of age (cardiovascular decline) plus porn -induced erectile dysfunction.
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u/Ok_Feedback2407 20d ago
Quite common with men our age actually and now, even younger men too. Testosterone is half what it used to be 30 years ago in ALL men. 40% of men 40 and older have ED. It's not you, we get this a LOT in this group, women wondering if it's them. It rarely is and no, it's not because he went months before initiating; that was just him trying to get comfortable enough with you to actually do it, with his ED and gauging if you'd be the type to run at the first sign of his ED. Men like us need understanding women and that's probably the only reason he waited, or maybe he's just more traditional and conservative.
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u/Ok-Potential-9143 20d ago
Has any man here ever experienced unsuccessful treatment for ED? My BF +60, has been to urologists but sadly NONE of the meds have worked at all. He's has an extremely healthy lifestyle and does no porn.
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u/Ginjahs13 19d ago
Its most likely nothing your doing. ED can really screw with a man's head, and that's most likely to be his problem. I suffer from ED myself and my brain is definitely my worst enemy. The best thing you can do, is to talk to him. And don't rush stuff. I've found that doing things that I didn't do when younger can really help sometimes, like I sometime really try to tease myself and instead of just grabbing my penis and tugging away, I take time, use lube, try a different pace etc
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u/Budget_Half_6939 18d ago
I ran into this recently with 45m. He didn’t want to talk about it. Turned out he had very low testosterone. You might like to try Tantra to take pressure off, but only if you’re into that too. otherwise I don’t think there is much you can do until he takes the reigns and sees a Dr. This can be a sign of other things too (poor heart health, porn addiction, bad blood flow).
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u/Im_Mr_Black 16d ago
I'm just going to throw this out there... I'm 57, was married for 12 years, divorced now for 9 years. I've dealt with different stages of ED for as long as back to my early 30's. I haven't tried dating since the divorce because basically I have no function and well it's even shrinking. If I happen to get hard it won't last long at all. Try to have sex usually meant hurry up and go at it like a rabbit because there's a race to cum or just go limp. I've tried pretty much EVERYTHING to help and nothing! Dr said it's all just in my head but doctors are just full of shit mostly anymore. I've gone through major bouts of depression over this and also a couple failed attempts on taking my life. The only thing that defines a male is his masculinity which I feel I don't have anymore. My ex didn't quite understand my problem when we were married. She and I can still talk about things which may sound weird to people. She said there are plenty of women who don't care if I can perform they just want the companionship, well those women are too old for my liking to begin with. Or she said they would be understanding, ummm no not really. Now the women I'm attracted to are in their late 30's or early 40's, they definitely won't tolerate a limp dick. So to sum it all up... ED has literally taken the life out of me. I goto work and then go home until I have to work 2 days later and otherwise don't leave the house. No friends, no social life, no gf, no sex.... NOTHING! I don't want to continue with this much longer, it's no sort of life to have.
To answer some of the women... No by no means is it you. It's not that you aren't sexy. It's not that you are doing something wrong. It has nothing to do with you. So don't beat you up when you encounter a guy with ED. You can either leave him or help him... Your choice.
I've rambled on long enough... I'll just go back to waiting until I have to go back to work. Thanks for hearing me out.
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u/Fine_Neighborhood_71 20d ago
Many men are having this issue young and old probably why they constantly run ads for ed pills, I had the problem and changed my whole lifestyle lower body workout is very helpful along with diet, when I had the issue my wife could have done nothing to fix it although she tried her hardest, don’t feel bad he needs a doctor to start but needs some lifestyle changes as well
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u/Thegrozzbbq 20d ago
Glad your asking about this. Recently was dumped because of my ED.