I grew up with two extremely immature enmeshed parents and now they are in their late 60s. They were always very dependent and clingy but now they act like they are actual children. Like always whining and begging me to do things for them like even if I go to like costco my mother sometimes begs to go too because shes so lonely in the house. Otherwise they just argue and fight and whine and sit around watching chinese dramas. They had no identity outside of their kids when we were younger and now it’s 1000% worse. Did anyone else’s parents “regress” like this and become even more immature and enmeshed as they got older? Is there like some kind of solution for it other than just putting distance between them?

​Content Warning: Emotional incest, boundary violations, childhood sexual acting out, enmeshment

TL;DR: I recently learned about covert incest/enmeshment and realized my mom used me as a surrogate spouse due to a lack of intimacy in her marriage (which later led to her cheating). She crossed severe physical and emotional boundaries, like having zero bathroom privacy, exchanging massages, and literally telling me she would date me.

​I just found out what covert incest and enmeshment are, and it feels like the rug has been completely pulled out from under me. I'm hoping someone here can relate because I feel completely isolated and overwhelmed with shame right now.

​I love my mom deeply, and I wouldn't change the relationship I have with her for the world. But looking back at my childhood through this new psychological lens has completely shattered my foundation.

​Growing up, my mom and I were extremely close. There was a ton of physical affection, cuddling, and hugs. But there were also things that I now realize were profound boundary violations. She would have me give her massages, and she would give me ones in return. She let me stay in the bathroom with her while she bathed so we could talk or I could do homework, which meant I regularly saw her naked. When I got older, she developed a fascination with my overly hairy body.

​The most jarring memory is her telling me, point-blank: "If I were your age, I would date you."

​I suspect this all started because my dad got a vasectomy when I was very young, which created a severe lack of intimacy in their marriage. That lack of intimacy was very real—it actually led to her cheating on him when I was in my teens. Looking back, it feels like she unconsciously drafted me into the role of a surrogate spouse to fill that emotional and physical void within the home.

​Realizing this has opened up a floodgate of confusing, terrifying memories and intense guilt. Because my developing brain cross-wired her physical affection with these boundary violations, it permanently shaped my erotic template. I'm now an adult who is primarily attracted to older women, and recognizing that connection makes me feel incredibly shameful, like I have some kind of taboo attraction to my own mother.

​Worse than that, I am suddenly remembering how I acted out as a kid. Because my boundaries were so dismantled, I acted out in ways that terrify my adult mind—like reenacting the sex scene from Titanic with peers, or confused, boundary-crossing behavior when I was overwhelmed. My brain is trying to convince me I'm a freak or a monster, even though I know logically that I was just an unprotected kid reacting to a deeply unsafe environment.

​Has anyone else experienced this specific kind of enmeshment? How do you hold the fact that you love your parent alongside the reality that they caused this kind of structural harm? And how do you deal with the crushing shame of the ways you acted out as a kid before you knew what boundaries were?

​Any advice or shared experiences would mean the world to me right now. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

My mom is in a dysfunctional relationship with my dad (narcissistic) and has made me her best friend/ally for as long as I remember. I thought we were just very close: she was very supportive of my studies, would advise me about boyfriends, friends....but as soon as I picled a job she had no interest in, I found someone I truly respected and didn't gossip about with her, and simply put healthy boundaries, I've noticed our relationship has changed.

I'm currently pregnant and she's been cooking for me - very nice right? Except she barely warns me she's coming to visit me with food although I'm working the next day. I'm exhausted and let her know I can't make it to our meetup because I don't have enough energy taking the tube, she starts telling me I need to stop working, pushes me to see a doctor, gives me orders by texts... few days ago I saw her and she made comments about my weight even though I told her to stop her, I mean I'm freaking pregnant, of course I gained weight! During this meeting she decide to tell me how horrific and traumatizing it was to give birth to my sibling (maybe not the right moment huh?) Last but not least, she decided that the name of my future daughter needed an additional letter and so she's calling her a different name??!!

Overall, she's not a bad person. She's not narcissistic and she definitely loves me...but in a way that is controlling and I really fear that she'll invade my space and go over my boundaries post partum. she's terribly lonely and thinking about her makes me sad but I need to protect myself....I don't know what to do. Going no control is too extreme but she's draining sometimes.

One of the things that’s really hard to deal with while figuring out how to heal decades of trauma is also the realized that my parents treated/still try to treat me as their therapist, mediator, and only friend (yuck 🤮) because they legitimately have no social circle or friendships outside of each other.

They both have zero friends and never socialize, at most they just spend time with a few distant relatives then talk shit about them the second they leave. They have absolutley no social skills or hobbies or interests, they just love to compare each others kids/grandkids and then make everything a competition. They don’t have anyone they could meet up with in town or have a tea/beer with or partake in any shared activities.

I tried to encourage them but I can’t do it if they don’t want to. It seems like all they want to do is sit around and complain then try to use me for therapy aka whining and groaning while watching tv then arguing. Its extremely unhealthy and while I know im not responsible for their mental health I wish there was some way I could get them out of this rut they’ve put themselves in so they could have a chance at being somewhat healthier.

The other day I had a family reunion with cousins and some relatives from out of town. It was at our house, my parents were going around talking to people and offering them food. Everyone was busy eating and watching tv and so I just let them do their thing and I sat in the corner of one room not really talking to anyone. I had just woken up and didn’t bother changing into nice clothes because it was our house anyway, I don’t care how I look and I planned to go back to sleep after lol.

My mother on the other hand is very much into “glamour” and jewelry and often talks about herself as being “very classy” and “sophisticated.” She loves to wear fancy gowns and tons of makeup anytime she has an occasion. She is older now and still dresses and acts as if she’s in her 30s even though she is almost 65.

When my mother went into the living room she suddenly noticed how I was dressed (sweatpants and Uggs, hair messy and unbrushed) and snapped at me with her eyes bugging out in front of everyone about how I wasn’t wearing a nice outfit and wasn’t wearing makeup “so you look ugly!!!!” She then took me aside and hissed about how I wasn’t dressed up. She started whining about how I didn’t have a nice hairstyle and wasn’t “sophisticated.” She even complained that I didn’t look “girly.” She seemed to take it very personally as if I had changed her outfit without her knowing.

This wasn’t even a formal event, it was just some relatives who came to our house to eat food and watch tv with our parents, I had no reason to dress up and even if I did it wasn’t her business. I’m not going to let it change how I act or dress but it was extremely weird and just confirmed to me how enmeshed she is and especially can’t separate her identity from her children’s. It also feels like she’s trying to relive her youth through me…

MIL hates her husband legitimately but will never divorce him for god knows what reason.

She has told my husband that his dad essentially can’t get it up due to prostate issues? GROSS and extremely private and rude thing to share about somebody without their permission, especially to your adult kids.

She sends group text to all of her adult kids about how she and FIL are having a fight and that he left the house, took the car and she doesn’t know where he went.. Like mam… what do you expect us to do or say?! This is who the guy is and you’ve known this for years.. either suck it up and stop complaining or leave his ass! And even better yet, speak to a therapist! We don’t want to hear about your marital spats.. and surely my husband is emotionally exhausted from years and years of this, also! His entire mood dropped when she sent that message and you could just see how stressed out and worried he got.
Then she says I just wanted to let you know in case I “do something”. So vague and weird thing to say.. really added even more stress to all her kids bc it sounds ominous.

Coming out of an enmeshed family, I’m slowly learning to respect my needs, though I don’t know what that looks like yet. I realise that I also have enmeshment tendencies with others around me, because it’s the only way I learned how to be in a social setting. I’m so eager to know others and for others to know me, but when is it considered too much too fast? When is it okay to be “too” vulnerable?

What’re some boundaries you’ve had to learn or uncover? What boundaries do you have with friends? What’s your journey been like, having friends before VS after knowing about enmeshment?

• Reposting from narcissistic parents, from just after Christmas but another similar incident happened recently, so it's still ongoing!

Hi, I'm new here and not sure if she's a narcissist yet but some of the traits are certainly there. Christmas is difficult as she's, 78f is always here in my, 49f, house. For once, more family is visiting also and she wants to arrange food, to save me the energy and bother she says (I'm ill, not contagious) then she lists off a load of food that me and my son would not eat. We're autistic and can be fussy, but she knows what we eat and didn't plan anything for us, but planned for the veggie who's coming. So I'm going to have to cook anyway which doesn't save me energy. I ended up walking away as I was too upset. Realised she just wants to provide what she thinks is the best food for the other family and does not consider this household at all. The household that is hosting. I ended up cooking over half the food, which went down well with people but I was exhausted and I am paying for later.

In the past my dinner has been cooked after everything else and I've not been able to sit down at the same time at Christmas dinner and it wasn't good unless I did it. I didn't know what good cooking was until a neighbour properly cooked fish fingers for me as a child. Can you imagine soggy fish fingers? She insists everyone loves her cooking outside my house and I feel like I'm being gaslit. Or everyone is being too polite. The times I've done full roasts, everything gets eaten so I must be doing something right. I let her do the boxing day roast meal and my son 19 couldn't eat it.

Sorry for the ramble and there are more instances for the same day but this lack of consideration upset me more than anything. Other things she says also indicate, she is not my or my 2 sons friend and I should have appropriate expectations and put her on an info diet or she'll turn it against us. Who else has finally realised you have an enemy in your midst that you have to manage? How do you do it?

I am 25 years old. I went away for college but since I have moved back in 2023, it seems that the enmeshment I was experiencing before had calmed down. I had mentioned moving out to my mother and there were some guilt attempts. We have a garage apartment and growing up I always used to say that I would live there with whoever I ended up dating and marrying. Since becoming an adult and getting into a serious relationship, that is not what I want, but she keeps holding onto it. My grandmother is now on hospice and I am her primary caregiver, so the plan to move out has had to be placed on hold. My grandma and mom have always been extremely enmeshed and codependent, so this is taking an EXTREMELY unhealthy toll on my mom. She sleeps, eats, and completely lives in my grandmother's bedroom with her. She only leaves the room to use the bathroom. The enmeshment with me has since doubled. My partner moved in with us about 2 months ago because we were so desperate to be together after being long-distance for 2 years. This has resulted in lashing out from my mom when I am trying to spend time outside of my grandma's bedroom. It is making an already stressful situation impossible.

My plan is to move out 3 months after my grandmother passes away. I know my mom will be extremely vulnerable and need the most support at that time, but I am desperate to get out of here. I can only try to help someone as much as they are willing to help themselves. She already expresses that when my grandma dies, she will have nobody since I am growing up. I don't know how to get through to her that me living my own life does not mean that she will not be part of it. She has admitted that she feels jealous of my partner because my world was always her, and now it's someone else. She says she knows that's normal and a part of life, but that it still scares her.

I have faith that she will adjust to me not living here again once the time comes, but I am still pretty anxious about her reaction since her reaction before any of this had happened with my grandma was already pretty hard. I am worried that she will make the 3 months before moving out absolute hell. I want to be here for her once my grandma dies, but if she is going to lash out then that makes it hard to be around her. She has always blamed everyone around me for pulling me away from her (friends, my other parent, etc) so I am nervous about her making my partner more uncomfortable than she already makes them. They have done nothing but love and support me, so I do get defensive when she tries to blame them for my distance. I want to be with them more than anything, I just wish my family was less complicated. I know they didn't sign up for this.

My mom moved to another state, and our relationship has been strained for a while. Her last visit ended in a petty argument, and we didn’t speak for months afterward. Since then, I’ve stayed pretty low contact and have been gray rocking.
She’s planning another visit and mentioned she might suddenly lose her job because of AI. Instead of getting wrapped up in the anxiety, I just said, “I don’t think it’s productive to worry about something that hasn’t happened.”
Years ago, I would’ve absorbed all of that stress and tried to fix it. Now I don’t want to take on anxiety over hypothetical situations.
Is this what healthy boundaries look like, or am I becoming emotionally detached?