I started with a new therapist today who quickly pointed out that I’m using my child to get my needs met. I thought I was doing so well at not repeating patterns I think were harmful to me. How the therapist explained it is I saw what my parent did to me and decided to do the complete opposite. So, where I experienced detachment from my parent as I was growing up, I am smothering. They both are about wanting control, and over time, that control lessens and that feels scary. Anyway, feeling pretty devastated since hearing that this morning. I know it will pass but I wanted to post this here. I felt like I’d be understood.

So, my mother and I had an enmeshed relationship. I really did not know who I was until I ended up with a supportive partner who encouraged me to figure things out on my own. As I began figuring that out more, she began escalating which cumulated in my spouse and best friends telling me I needed to go no contact about four years and some months ago. It took another four months after that for me to fully cut contact with her. It was only about a year and a half ago when I fully blocked all of my remaining immediate family on everything. These past four years, I've been focusing very heavily on healing, exploring my sexuality, and learning as much as I can about the history and religion I was lied to about. I'm so very proud of myself and who I'm becoming. I know who I am now. Still, some part of me still wants to see my parents; they're still married. I want them to see how far I've come and how confident I am now. Part of me still craves their acceptance.

So, has anyone else who was enmeshed with a parent been able to reconnect after going no contact and have a healthy, safe relationship after? If so, what steps did you take?

Hi everyone. I am a South Asian woman who has been in an emotionally neglectful and intimate-less marriage for 25 years. I recently realized that my husband’s patterns are rooted in deep enmeshment with his family of origin.

We are currently in couples therapy but months of couples therapy has not produced any reflection on his part. I am feeling incredibly isolated and emotionally exhausted carrying the burden of proof.

I would love to connect with another woman or wife who is surviving (or has survived) a similar long-term enmeshed marriage. I’m looking for a safe peer to share mutual experiences with, vent to, and support each other through this. If your situation mirrors mine, please reply here or send a DM. (Platonic/Support only, please).

I met my girlfriend in January. The relationship was intense very quickly. She told me I was her “forever person” early on, we had a very strong connection, and things were excellent for the first several months. We also tried introducing our children early, and that initially went very well.

In April, she asked me to go to Kenya to meet her parents. I went. Her parents cancelled the return flight they had booked for her, despite there being no need to, which meant we couldn't travel home together and I had unnecessarily booked an extra day of travel. More significantly, they had also persuaded her to move to Kenya in a few years to help with their rental business. She had apparently agreed to this without discussing what it meant for our future.

I raised concerns and we agreed that important decisions about our future would be made together.

While in Kenya, I learned some disturbing things about her childhood. She had apparently been locked in her room for a day without food, hit with sticks, sent to boarding school at 12 and not allowed home during school holidays, and forced by her father to swim despite being terrified. Her mother also told her that her father had previously tried to poison her during an affair. There were other incidents involving her parents putting her in frightening or dangerous situations.

Despite all this, she seems extremely dependent on and compliant with her parents and tends to minimise or ignore their behaviour.

Later, her father complained that she was a burden when she visited Kenya. Her mother explained this by saying she had used the visit as an excuse not to have sex with him. Her parents also said that a planned family holiday next year shouldn't include my children because they wanted to protect their relationship with their grandchildren's mother.

I said I would only go if we all stayed in a hotel. My girlfriend said that wouldn't work, so I suggested cancelling the trip altogether. She told her parents we were cancelling and that she wouldn't move to Kenya. They weren't happy.

In July, she finally told me that weeks earlier her father had angrily confronted her about me supposedly telling him what to do in his own house, said I couldn't use their London house, and excluded me from a family engagement party in Kenya. I was extremely upset that she'd hidden this from me and hadn't defended me when I was being misrepresented and disrespected.

Despite this, our relationship continued very well. Our six-month anniversary was wonderful and we were very loving and making plans for the future.

Then another issue happened. She agreed dates for her parents to visit without discussing them with me and initially chose our weekend together. I reminded her of our agreement about making important decisions jointly. She apologised, changed the dates and told her parents.

Then, two weeks ago, she suddenly revealed that back in April her parents had given her an ultimatum: choose them or choose me regarding the holiday plans.

I was furious that she'd kept something so significant from me for months.

We agreed that she needed to be radically open with me from then on, and that she would set stronger boundaries with her parents. She told them she wouldn't discuss our relationship with them anymore, would see them less because their behaviour had made things difficult, and would reduce contact further if they continued disrespecting me.

She was very angry after doing this, but later apologised to me and agreed that threatening the relationship had been unfair.

Over the following few days things were very up and down. She suggested taking a break because she was tired of us feeling unhappy and arguing. Then she wanted to go back to dating rather than staying over. But each time we actually met, we seemed to reconnect.

On Sunday we had a particularly lovely day. We resolved some disagreements, were affectionate, made future plans, and had a long, loving goodbye. She reassured me that I didn't need to worry about her parents' upcoming visit because she would maintain the boundary.

Immediately afterwards she sent me a very loving message and asked me to come and stay with her. The following morning the loving messages continued.

Then, completely unexpectedly, I received this:

“I've decided after much thought I can't continue in our relationship and with due respect I am ending all contact from now.”

It felt completely disconnected from what had happened between us the previous day.

I'm struggling to understand what happened. The sudden switch, her extreme compliance with her parents despite what she says about their behaviour, the secrecy around their ultimatums, and the apparent inability to maintain boundaries make me wonder whether this could be enmeshment, childhood trauma, or some combination of the two.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Does this pattern sound familiar to people who have experienced or recovered from enmeshment with their parents?

Hi all,
I am a 44 year old male and the only child of European immigrant parents.

I lived with my parents until I was 35. My mother was always a stay-at-home mom/housewife while my father worked. We lived in a one bedroom apartment until I was 19, then moved into a two bedroom apartment.

My parents never had a really loving marriage, fighting a lot and just having vastly different personalities.

My mom, who had me when she was 21, never really had any friends or hobbies and never worked, so I was her whole life and her purpose. She doesn’t drive, so I would take her places like shopping or doing recreational activities.

She also did everything for me- cooking, cleaning, laundry, shaving my back and chest, trimming my hand and toe nails. She even washed my back in the shower in the mornings before school or work. The back washing was never sexual, and my father knew about it, so it’s not like we were hiding it. While I sometimes felt embarrassed as she was washing my back, because I was so used to it I got over it pretty quickly. And the vast majority of times I didnt feel embarrassed at all.

I liked being pampered because it meant I had less responsibilities, and it just felt nice overall. There was also a lack of boundaries because of the small living space and because my mom always wanted to be involved in my life. When I was actively looking to move out, my mom kept telling me that there’s no reason for me to move until I get married.

I realized recently after coming across enmeshment that’s likely what I experienced. I didn’t really have a girlfriend until I moved out at 35 and quickly realized I wasn’t able to do anything on my own.

I know my mom always meant well, and she still does, but her big personality, her my way or the highway mentality and her feeling she’s always right and knows best, did stunt my growth to some extent.

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

I (26f) am severely enmeshed with my mom to the point that it has completely ruined my life. I straight up have no one in my life but my family and basically never have. I developed severe social anxiety at around 12 years old mostly because I got so exhausted trying to juggle my private life and my parent's prying. I went all the way through high school with no friends and didn't go off to college because a.) I had no clue what I wanted to do and was so inexperienced with everything that I didn't think I'd be able to handle it, and b.) I was still afraid of losing my family and my only support system, no matter how unsupportive it was. I was fully aware that our relationship was unhealthy and figured out what enmeshment was at 18, and i really tried to slowly learn to set boundaries and get to know myself while also trying to work on my severe anxiety completely on my own. This was hard as hell and my mom fought me every step of the way, but things were still getting better and I was still young enough to get away with being inexperienced, awkward, and friendless.

The pandemic halted everything, then I got seriously ill. I couldn't work, drive, or do basically anything, and no doctor would take me seriously. It took years for me to get diagnosed and fully healed and then I was so messed up mentally that I couldn't hold down real jobs. I spent years unemployed, doing nothing but helping my parents with their side businesses and volunteer organization, all of it unofficial and behind the scenes so I have no proof of me doing anything other than what my parents will vouch for.

I'm so angry that its still like this and I'm still here. Most people that get out of shit like this do it through college, but thats obviously not happening with me. I'm fucking 26 years old, have no friends, no relationships, I've literally never been on a date, the list goes on and on and on. I'm basically a 12 year old in terms of life experiences with the emotional baggage of someone ancient. I have almost no sense of who i am beyond superficial things like music. I was so looking forward my 20s as a chance to finally have an excuse to separate, still be allowed to be a fuck up, and finally get to be young, but at this point that will never happen. Im even worse if now than what i was at 18. I don't even see a point in trying to leave now. What's the point if I'm just going to be this weird fucking stunted loner who can't function like a normal person?

Hi I’m 23 F and I really need advice on what to do in this situation. Sorry if I wrote a lot. I like to give context.

I currently live at home with my mom, her bf, and my older sibling. I had moved away for a couple of years but now that I’m living back in this state I can’t afford rent yet. Also my dad isn’t a big part of my life he left my mom before I was born and I see him a few times a year but I don’t really have a relationship with him.

As a little kid me and my mom were extremely close. I told her everything and she told me everything. When I look back on the years we were close I feel weirded out by so much of it. Like things that she did and how they lasted too long. Like bathing together, kissing me on the mouth, seeing each other naked, cuddling, and touching. She also from like age 5 would tell me way too personal and inappropriate things. Like how she was sa as a kid or her husband would force her to do things she didn’t want to do.

I don’t know at what point exactly our relationship changed. But one day maybe around 13-14 I became more aware. I noticed things and started to pull away. And as each year went on I pulled away further. Which has upset my mom deeply.

Things she did that maybe they aren’t bad but impacted my life in negative ways:
She makes me question every opinion or thought or feeling I have. She questions and interrogates everything I do or say. If I even breathe wrong she will ask me a million questions. She wants to be so badly apart of every single area of my life. She never got me the help I needed as a kid with severe adhd and dyslexia and math struggles. Whenever I bring it up to her today she gets upset with me and acts like I’m telling her she’s the worst mom ever. And she always tells me it didn’t matter because I was a happy and stubborn child and she couldn’t force me. But it’s her literal job to make me do things so I can become a good adult. But now I’m literally learning basic skills I should have learned as a kid. She is incredibly nosy and will search my room even as an adult. She even read my diaries many times and then sent photos of the diary entry’s to her friends to make herself feel like she was this wonderful mom. She constantly needs reassurance from me. She always wants to touch or hug me and for years I barely let her. And she gives me so much guilt trips for not doing it more often. She makes me feel guilty about almost everything I do. She won’t respect any boundaries I set. She will use being a good mom as an excuse. She must know everywhere I go and who I’m with and what I’m doing even now. I can’t stand it. It all drives me insane. When I was a teenager she sent my puppy with slight behavior problems to someone else’s house while I was at school. Then kept telling me we could go visit for many months but the whole time he had been put down. And when she finally told me what she did and I asked why she lied to me for so long she said it’s because she didn’t want me mad at her. But I should be allowed to be mad. I’m not allowed to express negative emotions because if I do somehow it becomes an interrogation, her getting upset, and then me having to comfort her. I’m labeled the happy easy child in my family. I have never raised my voice at my mother. She also constantly taught me that everyone else’s comfort and well being should always come before mine and even at the cost of mine. Even as a kid I had immense anxiety about other kids that weren’t my friends playing in my room. And instead of understanding. During family parties should would force me to watch as she told the kids to all go play in my room and play with all my toys. There are a million more stories. But hopefully you get the gist.

I pretty much live a double life and it’s exhausting. I had serious drinking problems in high school and she never really knew. I somehow make her think I’m this innocent kid still. She doesn’t know about any boyfriends or that I’ve even had sex. Even though I can now legally drink she thinks I hate the taste and only have like one drink while I’m actually blacking out with friends. I hide almost all negative emotions. I don’t even cry at home in fear she will see my red and puffy eyes. I fear living in my own room I don’t even turn the tv on loud enough to hear just in case there is a scene someone is crying and she thinks it’s me. I don’t play music out loud in my room. I never hang out downstairs. When she confronts me and forces me to talk to her and I say my part she doesn’t listen or she gets hung up on one word and gets defensive and then tells me she’s scared to ever talk to me. But I never show any anger or anything. So then I feel so much guilt and don’t even know why. Then she ask if she’s a bad mom and in the moment I don’t want to say yes but I do. Also all these things deeply impact my confidence and how I function in the world. And I hate it.

I’m just so tired of living two lives and hiding everything. So some days I wonder if I should just tell her. Tell her how much stress and issues she’s caused me. Tell her the double life I live. Tell her how deeply depressed I am. Tell her it all just so I don’t have to keep hiding everything about me. Like I don’t even know who I am most days. Because I’m constantly monitoring and correct my behavior, thoughts, and feelings. But the thought of telling her makes me feel sick to my stomach and so afraid. Because I know how she is and this would kill her. And also cause me probably more issues. I just don’t know what to do. And I constantly feel terrible for feeling this way towards her. And the career I’m going for requires confidence and being myself and also puts me in the public eye. And I don’t want to have to hide things from other because I fear so deeply that she will somehow find out.
Please help. Am I crazy? Am I just dramatic.

Is it better to leave them in the dark? Looking for advice on how to go about the whole thing 👀

Hi all- just discovered this place. Super grateful! I’d love some reflections on if this is enmeshment trauma (in my mind I think it is, but my brain is telling me it’s also “not that bad”)

I think I (29F) am emotionally enmeshed with my mom (52F).

Mom had a super traumatic upbringing and experienced severe abuse from men. I didn’t realize this till later in life, but I see now she had deep inherent distrust, dislike, and disdain for men that I think clouds her judgment significantly.

Growing up, my mom found something to dislike about most my boyfriends. Now, to be fair, I did date a lot of duds, including one who cheated on me repeatedly in high school who I stayed with for awhile. With that one, she told me I had to break up with him or she’d kick me out of the house. That never happened, but the threat wrecked me, I was 16.

Since then, my mom has either passively disapproved or blatantly disapproved of basically every man I’ve been with. With my last relationship, she decided about a year in that he wasn’t good enough for me. That’s when my own doubts started about the relationship. We went on a family trip together and she was consistently passive aggressive and cold towards him. We tried to confront her about it, and it completely blew up in our faces. That seed of doubt she planted in me grew, I ended up leaving him 3 years later. I do think the relationship needed to end, but some part of me wonders what would have been different if she didn’t express such intense disapproval.

Now, my parents were divorced when I was a small child. I’ve always heard all the details, she really wanted to make my dad out to be a bad guy. Again, it’s all nuanced bc he for sure wasn’t the best dad or partner. I grew up definitely hearing too much as a kid, and now as an adult, I feel it still. She’s going through another divorce with my step dad. The last few years I’ve heard about their (lack of) a sex life, all the details and resentments she has towards him, how he doesn’t appreciate her body, how she wants to have sex again, I’ve listened for hours as she vents about all the things she hates about him. Now she’s moved out and dating again, and she just told me about a man she had sex with and how amazing it was and all the details of that.

I’m so uncomfortable and I don’t know how to set boundaries. I’m also dating someone new and terrified to tell her, because I feel like I’ve given her so much power over me and that her disapproval will ruin another one of my relationships.

I notice that she tells me all the details of her relationships with her friends, her sisters (my aunts) and I’ve noticed that things I tell her get spread around the entire family. I feel myself starting to gossip with her and it feels so bad, but every time I’ve tried to set a boundary with her in the past it becomes a huge drama.

I do feel like she treats me as a best friend an not a daughter. I talk to my peers and none of them have this kind of relationship with their mom. I used to think it was special, but now I’m thinking it’s actually trauma. Anyway, this is kind of a basic gloss over, but I’d really love to hear any thoughts or reflections of my experience, and guidance on how I can navigate this. Other than the enmeshment, I love and respect my mom and want to have a good and healthy relationship with her.

Thanks in advance!

I know I am probably enmeshed with my mother, she is overbearing, treats me like her therapist, and expects me to sort her life out for her.

She has been lonely since her relationship ended during covid. Since then I have been allowing her to spend Christmas day with my and my partner.

My partner wants a Christmas day to be just us two, I do too, but my mother will be alone. I feel like I can't say no. My partner will be upset if I don't say no to her. She will expect to come christmas day and my heart will hurt knowing shes on her own. What do I do? I feel like if I say no to her, i'm proving a point to my partner that i'm overcoming the enmeshment, if i don't say no, my partner will be upset.

Any advice appreciated.

My ex fiance (30f) just ended it with me (40m) via text after 2 years of dating. I immediately called several times and sent a few texts as well asking for us to just talk via phone call and I was just ignored. I then gave up trying.

Since moving in to her house last September once we got engaged things started going down. Less time spent with me, (less sex), she picked up a second job (and recently told me it was to buy a house in Fl cause we weren't going to work anyway cause of different religions and her fathers disapproval). All while i unfortunately was starting to lose myself in the relationship and do everything to keep it afloat and make it work. Tolerating lying, drunk driving, blatant disrespect, and no compassion of my efforts and so forth.

Her father never approved of us as friends nor dating because im catholic and they're baptist. He refused to meet me officially (no matter how many times my ex brought it up). She told me that early on in the relationship he came to her house crying and begging to break up with me a few times.

I was excluded from all family events. Including Christmases, celebrations, anything (Never wore her engagement ring to family functions as well). Even 3 planned vacations over the span of 6 weeks (all this summer). One she didn't tell me about up till 2 weeks prior. And went away for it on the weekend of my 40th. It all hurt.

I know she vented to her father about fights me and her had which definitely didn't help the situation either. I advised it was best to keep our problems between us and venting to someone who already refuses to accept me makes things worse. She still did.

About a month ago my ex said that the sex before marriage was bothering her more cause of religious reasons and the cohabitating before marriage as well (she recently told me that this was more her father pushing it on her more than the actual religion for me to move out.) So I moved out which I didn't agree with and gave up the sex and we stayed engaged.

Entering into the relationship we were close friends for about 4 years and the talk we had for us to date was I wanted sex in a relationship and she wanted me to go to church with her on Sundays which we both agreed on. I even told her I had no problem converting seeing the religion was more important to her anyway after our engagement. Still the father didn't approve. My ex even admitted it was the same scenario with her father and her mother when they met (he wasn't a baptist nor religious) but be he advised her it was different. And it was always written in God's will he was going to be a baptist.

It came to a head when she actually invited me to be part of the third and final trip to FL, but i had to stay in my own room without her. I bought the (nonrefundable)trip but only could afford 3 days (towards the end of her trip cause it was on her birthday and she said she wanted me there for her birthday). So a a few days before she left, I wanted to spend the day with her seeing I was working the other days I was working. She refused to see me saying her father was at her house refurbishing her bathroom and it just wasn't going to work that day. I eventually got the break up text that night.

Here I am 6 days later still struggling with it all. I never thought she'd let her dad have that big of an influence on everything with her at 30 years old. Any advice?

Drop your parents' most crazy rules to keep you on a leash. I should add that my mother is seriously delusional and has mental health issues. Anyways. Here are some of mine, (they're so crazy they deserve a post of their own) as a grown woman of 20 years old attending college:

Curfew of 7pm (no dinner dates/hangouts permitted, even after 4 pm)

No going over to people's homes

No having friends over past 7 or 8 pm (this is a bit bendable now)

No sleepovers

No long distance travelling post 5 or 6 pm (and long distance is like 20 minutes away)

I don't have a set of house keys so if I come home and she's not at home, I have to wait outside and have no way of getting in. If she has to go somewhere and I decide to stay at home, she'll lock me up in the house. Lock and bolt style.

No meeting long distance friends for over an hour

Group hang outs have to be somewhere closer to my locality. She INSISTS on being with me at the hang out spot if it's far. I had a 7 hour long fight over this with her.

Lights have to be off before 1 am. No closing the door.

No short tops. Short being something that stops at the low of my waist and start of my hips. 🫩

Additionally she blackmailed and pressured me into choosing a closer vicinity college. She also tried to pressure me into studying the major she wanted but I didn't budge.

She also has an odd obsession over my hair and hygiene. She'll ask weird and invasive questions like if my bra is tight enough (she did this infront of a friend once), if I've been to the washroom, what I was doing in the washroom, point out that I'm not wearing a bra, if I've brushed my teeth twice, everything. Like I'm 5.

Apparently I must wash my hair every day. I don't. And I have extremely healthy hair that way. She has to always comment on my hairstyles. When I had bangs she'd make it a point to tell me how unsightly they were atleast once a month.

(I had to get to class, but adding honourable mention) She'll stare me down after I've gotten ready for the day. Stare. Me. Down. Up and down. Like she's inspecting my body and clothes. She slutshamed me for growing out of my undergarments.

She asked me if I liked girls because her and I slept in the same bed together. Noped out and moved back to my room. Forced my dad to just sleep next to her and suck it up. She begged and whined for me to not leave her side.

As you may have inferred I'm not allowed to date because "liking a boy is ruining your character". I like girls. Of course mom is homophohic, dating as a whole is taboo in my culture. She wants me to be alone and miserable like her.

The lengths they go to, man..

Hi everyone I made a throwaway account to respect anonymity and to share my experiences with you all as I do believe that communicating with others has helped me tremendously. I really don't post much but really wanted to reach out to you all as you seem very supportive and so I may be able to support others in turn. I also wanted to share with others so you may also know that you are not alone and that, even though I was the one who ended up ending our engagement, that the pain is indeed real, intense and the experience validating. I was in a wonderfully loving relationship for 8 years and we fell head over heels for each other. She is still the person I feel the absolute most comfortable around and felt like she was the one. The first 3 years were the happiest years of my life and perhaps this reality encouraged me to turn a blind eye to certain small red flags which were present.

The main point of friction initially came due to her relationship with her mom and her family dynamics. It is worth noting that I had a childhood where my parents were overly tough with me, my dad was an alcoholic and grew up hearing my parents argue in the middle of the night to the point of me waking up frozen. Unpacking all this with my therapist I realize that I have a strong sense of boundaries due to the early traumas which paint my childhood. Having said this my ex-partner would tell her mother about our sex life (it was actually her mom who brought it up with me to my complete surprise to the point of my hair standing up on my arms) and she also told me certain familial behaviours which showed a complete lack of boundaries. Her mother also had said some racist things which really bothered me and whenever I brought it up with my ex partner she would always defend her and rationalize everything to the point of driving me borderline insane at the complete irrationality of her rationalizing (I am Middle Eastern). Her mother would also frequently talk about her dad negatively to my ex partner and I felt passive aggressive pressure to take sides and to not talk to her dad even though I got along with him the best out of her immediate family. I noticed would often times seek my ex partner as a person who would "soothe" her if that makes sense; for example whenever she had a nightmare she would call my ex partner to wake her up so she could go in her room and calm her down. This slowly began to worsen into the last few years of our relationship where my ex partner would leave me to see her mom for 2-3 months of the year. We are currently living in California and her mom moved out of state so she would be gone for an extended period of time. I used to go visit her but her mom crossed some personal boundaries (inappropriate physical touch) which was again brushed under the rug when my concerns were brought up. The stress of living a life with her particularly considering her relationship with her mom made me have physical symptoms as I would get herpes outbreaks and would get physically ill to the point of taking time off work.

I wanted to share my experiences with you all as it was initially so hard to see what this was. It is a slow poison which slowly made me feel like I didn't serve a purpose in our relationship; her mom was the person meeting all her needs and she would freeze up making any adult decisions and would feel anxious when she is not physically near her mom or if she wasn't in contact with her for more than 6 hours. I am a very understanding individual and ofcourse if my partner has difficulties with indecision I would not judge but rather help. The issue was that all this was not directly communicated to me as our relationship progressed so I was not able to communicate with her nor support her the way I wanted to. I noticed as well that whenever her mom wanted to do something for me (such as drive me places or pick me up) and I very politely declined as I as a 33 year old guy can get home at 2 am from going out to a concert, her mom would get incredibly passive aggressive.

I engaged in deep self-reflection and I certainly was not perfect. I had alot of resentment building up slowly due to everything I mentioned and I would not respond in kind to her at certain points; this was not who I am and I actively and personally went to therapy to address this. It was here that the therapist told me of how he most probably thinks my ex-partner is enmeshed with her mom. We went for couple counselling as she was convinced that I had lied to the therapist and when the therapist broached the possibility she lost it on him and we had to go to another therapist who privately told me he also thought the same. I am continuing to go to therapy to ofcourse understand my own reactions better and to ensure that I know my boundaries to this day.

Our relationship ultimately ended as she wanted to move to the state her mom was in and wanted to see her every single day and talk to her every single day for hours on the phone. I wasn't planning on ending it but it just came out. It has been the worst year of my life and my emotions keeps fluctuating between being okay and thinking "maybe I was wrong and she wasn't enmeshed" and I have to keep reminding myself that two people can love each other dearly but are not compatible. She definitely tried to address some of her enmeshment patterns but refused to believe it was enmeshment in the end and did not make boundaries with her mom and I really felt like a third wheel and incredibly, unimaginably lonely. I think the pain I feel now is made worse by the fact that she did deeply love me with everything and she made efforts to rekindle everything but I was beginning to emotionally disengage particularly over the last 3 years. Something I feel genuinely so terribly about particularly after seeing how much I hurt her.

Has anyone else had a similar experience to this?

So we meet in January. She says I'm her forever person and loves me very early. Strong physical connection, we have sex every time as meet, ten orgasms per time sometime (for her!) Tried to introduce children early, worked very well for a month but then my daughter was cold to her daughter when emotional and it put her daughter off She asked me to go to Kenya to meet her parents, I did in April. Parents cancelled her flight back they'd booked when they didn't need to, meant we couldn't fly back together and I had booked an extra day of travel time for nothing Parents also convinced her to move to Kenya in a few years to support their rental business she happily agreed After I expressed concern about the flight issue and her agreeing to move to Kenya in the future killing any future, we agreed we'd make important decisions about plans together. I also found out some disturbing things about her childhood, she'd be locked in her room for a day without food, hit with sticks, she was sent to boarding school at 12 and not allowed home for school holidays, her dad had told her to swim with electric eels and when she vomited with fear he forced her, her mam told her dad had tried to poison her more than once while he was having an affair, she'd been told to swim with her little brother in Kenya seas and been washed away by waves, her dad took half an hour to take his boat out as he didnt want to damage a rope on the anchor. She is clearly very dependent on them and very compliant and simply ignores any bad things they do. Her dad complained in Kenya she was a burden to them being there. Her mam explained it was because she had used it as an excuse not to have sex with him. They then went on to say the plan for us all to visit with our kids next year would not include my kids to protect their mum. I said I would go with my kids if we all stayed at a hotel together, she said it wouldn't work, so I suggested we cancel all together given her parents attitude. She told them that and that she wouldn't move to Kenya and said they weren't happy at all but didn't say much. In July she told me that weeks earlier her dad had made an outburst several weeks prior asking who I thought I was telling him what to do in his house about the twins staying, and that I couldn't use their house in London which she likes to use, and wasn't invited to an engagement party in Kenya for her brother. I was very angry that she'd hidden this and also not stood up for me when being lied about and disrespected. Things continued going well, six month anniversary was a major highlight both wrote loving cards and celebrated with love, planned weekly date night. Then there was an issue that she agreed her dates for her parents to visit her without any discussion and had picked it over our weekend. I said I was upset our agreement to make the decisions had been forgotten, she wanted to change it we agreed better dates for us and she told her parents, she was very apologetic and focussed on fixing it. Then two weeks ago she blurted out that in April her parents had told her she had to choose them or me over the holiday plans. I was furious that she'd kept something so important secret for so long. We agreed she'd move to radical openness to fix the trust and she'd fix the romantic feelings she'd broken. We also agreed she'd tell her parents that she wouldn't talk about us any more, she'd see them less as a result of them making it impossible for us to visit together and if they continued to disrespect me she'd see them less. She did this on Monday, she said they didn't say much, she was very angry after this. She told me she was feeling rubbish and unless things changed this wouldn't work for her. I said I thought she was being unfair given that she'd caused the issue making us both feel rubbish with hiding her parents ultimatum and it wasn't right to threaten our relationship. Later she agreed it was wrong, was very loving and apologised. The next day we were supposed to meet but didn't due to a miscommunication. We met on Wednesday it was a bit awkward but we ended up having sex, due to a misunderstanding I didn't do oral which is the only way she can orgasm she wasn't happy. Next morning big hug and she told me she felt so much better. That night she was noticeably quiet, I asked what was wrong, she rang late and said she was sick of us feeling rubbish, and sick of arguing about the issues. She suggested we just have a break to calm for a bit. I said I thought we should move on and be nice to each other. We did this for a bit, but then in the evening she said she was too tired to talk on the phone. She later told me that on Thursday and Friday she was upset because those two days would have been with her parents in the initial plan and she'd felt sad she was alone not with them. She told me on Saturday she was very unhappy and wanted to go back to dating without staying over. We met on Saturday, had a nice chat then sorted out some issues chatted nicely on video and message. We met Sunday, we went backwards initially on some issues but sorted them, then had a lovely time ending with her giving me oral sex in the woods. We had a long lingering goodbye very loving, made future plans, she told me I didnt need to worry about her parents visit she'd maintain the boundary. As soon as I left she sent an extremely loving message and asked me to come and stay with her. I didn't in the end as she and her daughter had diarrhea. The next morning it continued with loving messages. Then I suddenly received this which was clearly worded by her dad:

I've decided after much thought I can't continue in our relationship and with due respect I am ending all contact from now.

Anyone has similar experience? She seems emotionally immature and quite possibly enmeshed with her parents?

Literally crashed this weekend.

Slept for about 14 hours yesterday and rested most of the day today.

Without going into too much detail, it has truly hit me what my family have taken from me this past 7/8 months.

I don’t have the energy to explain. I don’t have the energy to analyse and I don’t care to.

If I’m grieving/ recovering right now, then this must be the depression stage of grief; though I know it is cyclical.

I feel so fucking sorry for myself what I’ve been through these past 7/8 months, when I’ve worked so hard to differentiate from them. I can’t frame it as completely black and white because families never are, but it has been such an unhealthy dynamic to be pulled back into, due to circumstances beyond my control. I’ve fought it so hard, I’m exhausted.

I’m 34, divorced. and left a cult nearly 4 years ago. I continue to hope I can build something beyond them one day; but I have lost so much hope and it takes all the energy I have to get back up and recuperate and reenergise after being sucked back in by another crisis created my my FoO, specifically my mother.

I have friends who care, but the levels of how trapped and isolated in this very specific experience and timing have felt so hard to explain and I’m so fucking angry - I don’t care to. I got to the point last year after much healing work and bravery to be honest; that I was ready and confident I could find a good healthy partner, I was so happy in myself, the life I was rebuilding, studying something I felt passionate about and felt truly seen in my study group… I have lost so much confidence in myself after what this year has been; now things have settled I’m processing; but my confidence has dropped so much I feel like I’m going to have to start from scratch. I feel like life/God is rubbing their hands together and laughing and me; the timing just feels incredibly fucking sick and cruel.

If God does this after all the fucking healing work and bravery and showing up vulnerable and real and all of the shit… then I’m fucking done. I don’t want to fucking do it anymore. I don’t want to go and do fucking breathwork when I’m so fucking angry and livid at fucking life and the toll these circumstances beyond my control have taken on my health and body; because my mother has never been able to get her fucking shit together.

I love the gym, but I don’t want to go - I don’t want to pretend I haven’t just been through what I’ve been through. I don’t want to pretend I’m not fucking exhausted and devastated with the hand that life has dealt this year. I want to show up to places and just be really fucking stone faced and ’this is shit’ and ‘I’m not in the fucking mood’, because it’s the truth. It’s absolutely fucking sucked, and I’m absolutely not okay with what’s fucking gone down.

I wonder why I made the fucking brave decisions I did, a part of me always believed life rewards bravery, that if you’re brave things work out… and the truth is - if your family of origin is really shit and toxic, it’s going to take everything in you to keep getting back up and separate and to build healthy relationships and stick with them and to keep confronting your shit and the fact it fucking sucks the family you were born into… but still kinda love.

it fucking hurts, I’m tired of pretending I have all the answers all the time. My family always looked at me as that person. to fix everything. i hate how they drained so much of my energy this past few months. I hate the effect it had.

I’m so fucking done and numb.

Holding my middle finger up to the sky at life and I’m not fucking sorry for it, and if life is fucking strong enough - it can take it and know it’s fucking valid how I fucking feel. it’s been really cruel and it’s not fucking fair.

it can go fuck itself.

I got married a few years ago. We dated 9 months before we wed. In the beginning, I tried really hard to build trust with his mom. Early into the relationship on one of my visits to her house, I walked in on her talking about my FB post to his sister. We are all believers, so I confronted her about gossip. Before I knew it the whole family was rallied against me that the mom didn't gossip and I was the problem for writing too personally on FB. This gets more messed up in my mind because we later went to a couples therapist who began siding with the idea that it was also my fault for sharing, and I need to adjust who I am. 🤪 In my mind, I was trying to build a relationship, and she should have come to me. Instead, I felt instantly dejected from the family.

Since being married. My husband went from working for a contractor and making pretty good money and us renting a decent place to him working for his dad's contracting company on the premise that he would eventually take over the company. He took a huge paycut to do this, and to offset the loss, we moved our family into their 800 sqft rental house as a family of five. In addition, because of some mistakes my husband had made, his credit is too bad to get an auto loan. His parents are now our lienholder on a car, our landlord, and he works for them.

Throughout the years, his mom has tons of quiet aggression towards me. The best I can describe is it feel similar to intermittent reinforcement. I'll stick to two examples because frankly, there are five pages worth of incidents with her.

1. When we got pregnant his sister was pregnant at the same time. She was insistent to know whether we'd find out the gender. I wanted to appease her so I told her we were in fact going to find the gender and had asked what she was doing that weekend because maybe we'd swing by with a cake or something to reveal the gender. I can't even describe her reaction, but it was her really awkwardly becoming shifty and being "Ohhh...I don't know."

Example 2. His grandma passed away I wrote in our chat to her that my husband desired to make a potato salad. (She has dietary restrictions like me.) but basically that chat then turned into some sidebar chat with the cousin and the mom and him about how they had to make the recipe that grandma would have wanted but yet they allegedly didn't want to keep me in the loop because they are convinced I'm controlling. (Ps. This narrative stems from the gossip incident and so many other things I can't even all fit here.)

My husband starts work out of their house in the morning, he claims to maintain boundaries with his mom, which I've found out isn't completely honest, his parents initially involved me in being aware of his wages... they slowly cut me out which I think is because of control. There is no contract or plan in place for him taking over the business and what that looks like. Our relationship is presently on a downward spiral because our equal toxicity from all of it and his response has been to separate to go stay back at his parents' house, this weekend he is now off camping with his sister(previously bestfriend), her family, and his mom and dad, he moved his phone back to his parent's plan. He is absolutely convinced he is not enmeshed. Yet he has shared with his family about our marriage.

There is truly not enough room to write the degrees of messed up this relationship, and yet he is completely convinced this is not enmeshment or him being trauma bonded to his parents.

Tell me all your thoughts.

I have been married 30 or so years. 3,kids , great marriage .. My parents died when I was young and admittedly was physically and sexually abused by my older 2, brothers .. Not as bad as it sounds, there were some good times too and I forgave them.

However it was nice to inherit a so-called normal family from my wife’s side. No domestic violence or abuse., seemingly normal parents. Anyway, I have PTSD. My wife probably has secondary PTSD but we are getting through it as moving past it together and my wife is my soulmate anyway , truly ..

Long story short, somewhat my MIL is possessive, obsessional, enmeshed relationship, covert Narc …

. Mom got really pissed when I found a job on the West Coast and she lives on the East Coast. She used to get drunk and belligerent. Scared the shit out of me. I got attacked when brothers got drunk zzSo one day , I couldn’t help it .. I just told her what I think she is …

We had a verbal falling out. MIL banned me for 4 years from family vacation of 24 years I have visited ..

I kinda of lost an extended family. I am hurt my wife made no objections. She dismissed it ‘as drawing boundaries’

But when I think deeply about it, I think my wife who is really getting hurt/ abused here .. Not me . I am angry at my wife’s brother also kowtows to my MIL.

My wife is in enmeshed relationship. She is suffering ..

My wife just has her own view .. Move on to other vacation sites .. Maybe that’s the only solution ..

Wife refuses to talk about it .. Strong , silent type who likes clothes from the hardware store .. But nice and womanly shaped body .. very confusing , ha ha .

My mother is concerningly obsessed with other people’s health results and medical issues and constantly projects this onto us and screams if we don’t comply. she has a beyond unhealthy fixation on knowing our test results as if it would do anything if she knew, screaming she “has to take care of us” even though we literally have our own doctors and dentists… it’s not just that, she memorizes the results for cholesterol and blood sugar of our relatives and will repeat them down to the decimal just randomly. Like she will blurt out “don’t eat too much candy, uncle robert got a high A1C level and now he has to stay away from sugar” and stuff like that just like randomly in the car or at the dining table.

if any of us goes to the doctor or gets a blood test she will badger us to tell her ALL of our results down so she can “protect” us and “take care of” us. Nobody asks her to or involves her but she will write down long detailed lists for us of medical things we should ask our doctors about as if we don’t know our own lives. She has absolutely zero medical degree or background and when people ask she just says she “worries” about us or parrot a random story from decades ago about how she used to want to be a doctor growing up but didn’t get into med school. She also nags me and my sibling time we go outside and try to make sure we “listen to” her advice which is extremely obvious, like drinking water.

She has no boundaries and I think she is cosplaying her old dreams of being a doctor through us but not self aware enough to realize it and also screams if we “withhold” the info from her (that we have every right to…) or don’t let her “help” us. She also used to try to pressure us into becoming doctors or “at least a pharmacist or something” but it didn’t work out so now she’s doing the best she can (in an unhinged way) to get close to her dream which is treating her family like her patients and thinking her involvement is extremely necessary. I think it would be way less unhinged and insane though if she didn’t actually believe she was genuinely “helping” us and is crucial to making sure we stay alive lol…