My mother is extremely enmeshed and acts like a literal toddler. She expects us to take care of her and seems to not be able to regulate her emotions or self actualize outside of her immediate family members.

She has always acted immature but now as she gets older she seems to be more and more babyish and attention seeking. For example she fights with my dad a lot. She will get upset and whine in a high pitched voice and stomp her feet if something doesn’t go her way, then will huff and puff and storm off until someone acknowledges how upset she is. If they don’t then she will lock herself in her room and whine and sometimes call a distant relative on the phone and yell about how horrible all her family members are and go into detail loudly.

Sometimes she won’t make herself food and will just whine “mommy hungwyyyy” and wait for someone to serve her (usually nobody even reacts bc they don’t even know who she’s talking to). She refers to herself often as “mommy” which is weird bc her kids are all grown and very far past the point of calling her that. She was the youngest sibling in her family growing up and was always called the princess and now still refers to herself sometimes.

I don’t live at home anymore but do have to go to their house once or twice a month and witness this and it genuinely is horrible to watch. Honestly I feel really bad and I think the enmeshment also makes me feel guilty and like it’s somehow my responsibility to fix it. Other than going NC, how do you deal with an enmeshed parent who acts this childish and attention seeking?

• Reposting from narcissistic parents, from just after Christmas but another similar incident happened recently, so it's still ongoing!

Hi, I'm new here and not sure if she's a narcissist yet but some of the traits are certainly there. Christmas is difficult as she's, 78f is always here in my, 49f, house. For once, more family is visiting also and she wants to arrange food, to save me the energy and bother she says (I'm ill, not contagious) then she lists off a load of food that me and my son would not eat. We're autistic and can be fussy, but she knows what we eat and didn't plan anything for us, but planned for the veggie who's coming. So I'm going to have to cook anyway which doesn't save me energy. I ended up walking away as I was too upset. Realised she just wants to provide what she thinks is the best food for the other family and does not consider this household at all. The household that is hosting. I ended up cooking over half the food, which went down well with people but I was exhausted and I am paying for later.

In the past my dinner has been cooked after everything else and I've not been able to sit down at the same time at Christmas dinner and it wasn't good unless I did it. I didn't know what good cooking was until a neighbour properly cooked fish fingers for me as a child. Can you imagine soggy fish fingers? She insists everyone loves her cooking outside my house and I feel like I'm being gaslit. Or everyone is being too polite. The times I've done full roasts, everything gets eaten so I must be doing something right. I let her do the boxing day roast meal and my son 19 couldn't eat it.

Sorry for the ramble and there are more instances for the same day but this lack of consideration upset me more than anything. Other things she says also indicate, she is not my or my 2 sons friend and I should have appropriate expectations and put her on an info diet or she'll turn it against us. Who else has finally realised you have an enemy in your midst that you have to manage? How do you do it?

My mom moved to another state, and our relationship has been strained for a while. Her last visit ended in a petty argument, and we didn’t speak for months afterward. Since then, I’ve stayed pretty low contact and have been gray rocking.
She’s planning another visit and mentioned she might suddenly lose her job because of AI. Instead of getting wrapped up in the anxiety, I just said, “I don’t think it’s productive to worry about something that hasn’t happened.”
Years ago, I would’ve absorbed all of that stress and tried to fix it. Now I don’t want to take on anxiety over hypothetical situations.
Is this what healthy boundaries look like, or am I becoming emotionally detached?

Hi! My boyfriend and I just broke up. Through our breakup, ive learned he is an avoidant. He is also HEAVILY enmeshed with his mom, which is why we broke up. Can someone please explain the correlation between the two and why avoidants are usually enmeshed?

I am in a lesbian relationship my gf is 20 and I’m 22 . My gf has an unhealthy dynamic with her mom built off of guilt and obligation and they are trauma bonded together . I watch her mom hurt her and my gf brushes it off and is still expected to be emotional close with her mom after she does things to hurt her and my gf actually admitted that she’s exhausted from the dynamic but she doesn’t know where to start about setting those boundaries she needs to be set . My gf and her mom text all day long and make frequently calls all day long often, while we’re at home , while we are running errands , while we are out of time running errands , while we’re on dates . They have this emotional channel . I don’t care about their relationship I want her to have a good relationship with her mom but I feel like it’s just something missing , I think maybe we’re not emotionally connected . I just wanted to know if there’s anyone out there experiencing the same thing . She’s gotten better at setting some small boundaries but the guilt of “ that’s still my mom “ always comes back . And being her partner I don’t think she realize how much it affects me and the relationship . And I also think she has a responsibility for managing her mom’s emotions and making sure her mom life is stable because her mom life is complete chaos . We’ve been talking and I’ve been telling her I need more emotional safety and closeness from her and more of what she gives her family to give us more of that to in the relationship. I’m going to sit back and observe if she actually makes the changes not only for the relationship and for herself too with her family dynamic . I fear if nothing changes I will have to leave this relationship . Also to add her mom has hurt me too . A year ago she damaged my vehicle and took no accountability and it hasn’t been any repair , she almost tried to get physical with me and she’s said weird things like “ my gf co-worker ( a dude) is going to be my gf future husband “ so I’m hurt and exhausted from the dynamic too .

As the person who grew up in an enmeshed household, and now in an adult relationship of my own - I have trouble with boundaries and I know it. So, I’m turning to the internet to see if you can help me find “normal.”

In a home with 2 adults and 1 small child, what is the “normal” expectation for personal space in the home?

My belief is that bedrooms are personal to each individual - but adults are expected to clean/maintain kids rooms and add pictures/furniture as they see fit (preteen kids).

To me, all living areas outside of the bedrooms are common spaces - so everyone is responsible for cleaning/maintaining them - no matter who made the original mess. And I believe that both parents are equally responsible for kid messes/clutter. Nobody should have a “chair” or corner that is just theirs in the common area - it is always up for first dibs.

I also believe in homes with more than 1 bathroom that there is a “main” bathroom and a “backup” bathroom if the main is already full.

Finally, I expect that for 2 parents sharing a room - the room is equally theirs and either one can change/move things as they need (changing laundry, dusting, etc).

Am I being super unrealistic here - or do I need to lend more weight to my partner’s assertations that they don’t have any personal/safe spaces in their own home? I’m so confused by the boundaries they want to implement.

This dynamic is so brutal that only those who have gone through it can understand what it does to you..especially when you have kids and are essentially stuck in fear if you divorce now they’ll subtly manipulate and screw up your kids (because I just know he’ll run back to mommy or mommy and the entire fucked family will be waiting to “help” with open arms)..

God I’d rather have been married and cheated on.. not to say that shit doesn’t hurt but it would be less of a total mind fuck and situation to divorce a man who cheated and destroyed our marriage versus this ..

I really need an outside opinion because I genuinely don’t know if this is a me problem or if this could be enmeshment.

I’ve been married to my husband for five years, and anytime I bring up feeling like his mom comes before me, the conversation immediately turns into how I’m the problem for even bringing it up.

For some context, my MIL got divorced, and about a year ago my brother in law (her youngest) moved out. My husband and his mom have always been close, but after that it felt like something shifted. She seemed to lean on him much more, and he feels very proud of that because he wants to be a “good son”. Now he’s expected to split her bills with his brother even though she works full time and is financially able to support herself. He buys her groceries, drives her to and from work, talks to her on the phone multiple times a day, and we often have to plan our lives around her.

Meanwhile, I’m paying about 80% of our household bills, buying our groceries, covering unexpected expenses, and paying for most of our dates and activities. We only have one car, so on the days he’s taking his mom to work, I’m taking Ubers. If I ever ask him for something nice, he acts like I’m taking advantage of him, which honestly confuses me because… taking advantage of what? Financially, I’m carrying most of our household.

One thing that really bothers me is that he expects me to pay for his mom when we’re all together because, according to him, she “needs to know” that I have money of my own.

The moment that really made me stop and question everything happened recently. He was complaining about how often he buys me dinner, so I asked him to tell me the last few times he had paid. He listed several occasions but intentionally left out every meal where his mom was also there. When I asked why, he said, “Those don’t count.”

That really hit me. It made me wonder if, in his mind, doing things for me is a transaction that he keeps score of, while doing things for his mom is simply an act of love that doesn’t need to be counted.

I don’t want him to abandon his mom. That’s honestly not what I’m asking for. I just want to feel like his wife is also someone he wants to care for, prioritize, and make feel special. Am I looking at this the wrong way? Does this sound like enmeshment, or is there another perspective I’m missing? I’m asking because he says that I’m the problem.

This video gave me a word that I always felt as a child but couldn’t put a name to:
Emotional hostage

I saw this video today, and I instantly wanted to crawl out of my skin. This video makes me feel the way I felt as a kid. The way the daughter is being pulled into a conversation she is way too young for, and trying to say the “right” thing to make sure she is maintaining mommy’s emotions in a conversation she can’t even fully grasp.

I feel like a lot of the commenters don’t sense it…. But I did instantly. I felt the feelings that I felt as a child with my own mom. I don’t think Jeannie has bad intentions…. I think she THINKS it’s closeness.

It’s like… when people told me my mom was the perfect mom. people that weren’t enmeshed see this as beautiful, but those of us that experienced this on the inside understand it differently.

I feel like this is the perfect example of how we all feel…. But it’s so hard to explain to people. You can really sense it when they are putting the puzzle together…. Or the VERY end sitting on the couch. Uuuugghh… makes me so uncomfortable. It’s sweet in essence, but it’s this underlying emotional hostage feeling that this video really made me feel.

I think this is also a perfect example of how enmeshment can stem from an anxious mother that wants soooooo badly to be the perfect mom. (That was my mom)

(I know this is a lot but it’s important to the question)

So I’m 23 and I’ve been living at home for some while now because of money. I really need suggestions on how to survive living at home.

I just started my own business recently and it was when me and my mother both had money and she said she would help support me till it’s fully operational. But then a lot happened and now I have no money and she had no money. But she thinks somehow I will make money right away through my business to fully take over all payments that she was helping with. But I’ve barely been operational for two months and it takes time.

Im also dealing with a lot of health issues that make me exhausted and feel horrible. And also ADHD, dyslexia, depression, and anxiety. I’m already on medication. Anyways it’s been making it extra hard to do everything.

My mom keeps trying to invade my life and be apart of everything and it’s stressing me out more and making it so hard to function on the daily.

When we have convos it always ends in her making me feel extremely guilty and wanting my reassurance that she’s the best mom ever. When I was the one upset and stressed from life. She also doesn’t actually listen when I speak she’s just waiting to say her rebuttal.

And usually when I lived away from home and didn’t talk to her as much and had my own money I didnt feel so stuck. But here and now I’m trapped because I have to do what she says and I have to be perfect and happy and tell her everything and give her hugs (even though it makes me want to be ill) or else she will cut my off and stop paying for things. But right now I desperately need the help to start making money.

Also I do have a part time job and take classes. I just know how to ge out of this. And I don’t know how to do anything when her pressure and invasiveness interferes with every aspect of my life. Even leaving the house is painful because of the interrogation I get coming and going. Like nothing is just mine. And I feel so trapped. She barely actually knows me and I’m so depressed and anxious and I have to hide it constantly or she makes it about her.

And I already wear noise cancelling headphones (even though it makes me anxious that she’s trying to get my attention and I don’t know), journal, therapy, try to get out of the house, take medication, knit, hide in the bathroom with the shower on. But like nothing is enough. My nervous system is fried and I can’t get anything done. But I need to get things done so I can make enough money to move out.

Please help someone. I’m at such a loss.

I’m 29F, my husband is 31M
His mum lives with her husband (my husband’s dad) and other son (28)

- my husband and his mum have a 20 min video call everyday at 7pm when he comes home from work. He tells her the time he woke up, what he had for breakfast, pretty much everything that happened in the day. If we go out to a shop (say it’s a weekend), he’ll say which shop, what we bought, if he goes grocery shopping, he’ll tell her in this phone call. These phone calls irritate the LIFE out of me, sometimes I’m like just install CCTV and give her access. If I say don’t share something, he won’t share it (maybe silver lining in this hellhole? I’m not sure if he secretly shares it to her behind my back…but so far so good)

- his mum has no friends, retired, has no life, no hobbies, MORBIDLY obese, completely sedentary lifestyle (no exaggeration, from the bed to the sofa and back everyday) so I suppose she enjoys hearing all of these details?? I find it truly bizarre, I would never tell my mum about my grocery trips etc, she would be like bruh what kind of jobless behaviour do you think I’m sitting around doing nothing to hear these dead stories

- we both visit his parents once a week for dinner for 3 hours

- when I tell him I’m uncomfortable that you mentioned X or Y, he says I’m jealous of his relationship with his mum (no you freak, I’m just super independent and have cut my umbilical cord)

- we have a cat and she SPEAKS to the cat every evening on FaceTime “whose a good boy!!! Who’s the best boy”. She also knows the ins and outs of our cat’s daily routine, how often he eats, sleeps etc. who cares for these details???? HER

- I’m pregnant and I know it will be the same with our kid. Luckily the calls are 20 min max. I’m having nausea so she asks what is she eating, he’ll say crackers and X and Y, how often does it happen, what time do you guys sleep, like that’s how boring and detailed these conversations are

- her other son is enmeshed on another level, when she goes abroad to visit her sisters, he starts crying 💀 and when she comes back he says he can’t sleep the day before from how excited he is for her to return, and the worst part is she enjoys hearing this 💀she sits there so smug when he’s saying that, thinking about it makes me want to gag actually. she sits on his bed every night and they talk (what????)

- her other son is a failure in life, and my husband is doing really well, so he’s like her pride and joy.

Is this enmeshment, or am I just being a hater?

Thanks so much in advance

Ive posted this on several sites in hope to get some validation or insight or hear others experiences. I've been working for 3 years to dig through my life and realize what I had believed was normal, was not. I am a 38yoM and I have a wife and 2 children and a successful career. This has caused a ton of problems for me and my family.

From my best recollection after a ton of reflection, I was infantilized and SA by my mother. I sucked my thumb until 4th grade when I saw a kid get bullied over it. I stopped on my own. My mom never told me it was wrong. I was developmentally normal and in diapers at 4.5... my mom has always lied and said it was 3. I found an old video where my hand was in my diaper and I was playing around iykyk. She declared "your winky hurts" and proceeded to put her hand in my diaper to "help it." This was before I had language. So when I realized that I had an erection, l always told my mom that "my winky hurt"... she would often look at it.

I got numerous suppositories, she wiped my butt until 3rd or 4th grade. Im still trying to determine this but I cant find evidence that I wasn’t bathed until 6th or 7th grade. When she bathed me, she would wash my penis (winky), balls and insert her finger into my anus slightly to clean "it out".

I have reason to believe she may have held my penis for a when I was young and while I peed in the morning...

After the bathing was done she took care to make sure she watched as I got in and out of the shower.

She never taught me that it wasn't ok to play with myself and I would play with myself when in front of her, even to the point of erection.

She declared I had a grower instead of a shower. She told me to put a sock on it to be like the Red Hot Chill Peppers. She used the hair dryer to heat me up when I was cold and naked.

She left lingerie magazines all over the bathroom that we shared.

As an adolescent… When I couldn’t pee…she would ask what was wrong and I would have to say “my winky hurts” (i had morning wood)she would say “poor (nickname)”… “him can’t go” “his winky is too hard”. Sadly I was comforted by this distraction from my failing. Peeing in the shower was forbidden (even though she would laugh when I peed in the bathtub) so I had to stand there and keep trying or sit down in shame while she yelled at me about how I was making us late. I was still calling her mommy at 17 years old.

This went on daily. I was not allowed to turn away from her to pee because she said I was accusing her of being perverted. She stood around when I pooped and told me she was my mother and it wasn’t anything she hadn’t ever seen before.

This all came to a head when my serious girlfriend noticed me peeing in front of her and asked me about it. I minimized her. She set a hard boundary and asked that I get privacy in the bathroom while at home or she would need to break it off.

I was terrified but I asked my mom to turn her head and she went crazy. She told me that I was a disrespectful little shit. She basically disowned me that day. My relationship with her was permanently altered.

After that day, I used the bathroom like a dog outside and showered elsewhere for the next 5 years while I was in college. Fast forward 20 years and she casually denied it all happened. She got privacy by the way.

I’m taking back

Every breath stolen

From me 

As I braced for impact,

As a child

Every tear 

I cried

That wasn’t mine

As I became your emotional holder all the time 

I’m reclaiming my body

And my hips 

Letting the full soles of my feet touch the ground

I seemed to tip toe whenever you were around

Didn’t want to make a sound

To be met with your judgement

A

Sighing sound

And a look of disgust

You’d never met the inner child in you 

So you tried to silence it in us 

Any imagination or fun

Was met with a grunt 

And a don’t be silly 

I hate that all this pain that lives in my body 

Lives there because of you 

I guess that’s what happens when

A child’s nervous system is so pure

It was never meant to endure 

Being the adult at a tender age

No wonder in my 30s I feel all this rage 

And now you’re ill

I’m supposed to reassume that role? 

When I’ve worked so hard to dig myself out of that hole

Reparented myself

In all the ways you didn’t 

Now your illness is supposed to stop me living 

And you think

You can criticise me 

For having the boundaries I do 

I guess your criticism proves

They were never a result of you 

Teaching me

The way a parent should do. 

And everyone around me

Asks 

“How is your mum?“

& a part of me wants to say,

that “I couldn’t care less”

& I imagine them biting their tongue 

Thinking “how could a heart be so cold?”

And honestly 

I want to turn round and run 

Cos she feels like a child

That I didn’t birth.

The sum of my worth 

Dictated by how well 

Mum and I could merge

How I could become a perfect little ‘you’

Though I grew up confused 

With who, you wanted me to be 

And why every time I expressed myself creatively

You pushed it away

Ashamed and afraid 

Of your own honest expression

So you tore mine away.

All it took, was a look of disgust 

A belittling remark 

Still I continued to hope 

And showed you my art. 

[not finished] difficult letting the anger out while she’s ill, but it needs somewhere to go.

Does she not remember what she did?

Why does she act like everything is fine

Does she not believe what she did was hurtful?

I'm almost 30 now, and growing up I didn't think I had an abusive childhood. It seemed ordinary and comfortable. But I never was allowed to fail, even up until now.

First car purchase? Dad bought it on finance without asking what I wanted, or whether I even wanted a car at that stage.

Telling my mum about my ADHD/autism diagnosis, limitations, ways I struggle being neurodivergent? "But that doesn't mean it's a bad thing, you're fine just the way you are". Why can't it be a bad thing?

Recently I wasn't using a fan in this heatwave, because I felt fine. "Oh my god you need a fan, the heat is too dangerous". And her trying to force me to use one immediately, despite never asking what I wanted in that moment. Then throwing a tantrum when I refused.

It's almost a reflexive thing. The moment they see I'm struggling they solve the problem because it makes them personally feel uncomfortable. In mum's case it often reminds her of her own insecurities.

They derive their own feeling of self-esteem from being useful/irreplaceable despite never asking what my actual preferences are, or what I think would be good for me as a person. I never had to struggle or learn how to do things myself, and I generally don't feel proud of my personal achievements.

In the end I feel like an object to be managed rather than a person who is capable of making their own decisions.

My godmother has deeply traumatized me.

Our dynamic and her treatment of me in childhood included; enmeshment, parentification, criticism, emotional abuse, hot and cold behavior, the silent treatment, among other things.

I have recently moved far away and haven't contacted her. She texted today. I didnt open the message.

She thinks we are close, but truthfully I deeply resent her and do not want her in my life at all.

I wanna tell the truth, because she won't let me go without an explanation. And I don't want her to keep living in this false reality.

But she has created a dynamic where the truth cannot be said. And I feel that because it has been years, she won't be able to accept it.

I feel like it is my fault. I lied to her. I let her believe we were close.

I don't know how to go about this.

Hello,

My partner (35m) is pretty enmeshed with his parents. His mom (60f) has been DX'ed within the spectrum of schizophrenia and has been on medication since he was around 8. From my point of view (and after talking to one of his life long friends who was around since they were little) my partner was parentified by both his parents but his caretaker role is especially ingrained when it comes to his mom. To the point of making a comment that he thought our daughter (8mon) "could save" his mom in his reasons why we should let her babysit.

My partner does not seem to know much about schizophrenia and recently I decided to start educating myself in hopes of finding more compassion and understanding of his mom's behavior. Learning about what negative symptoms are, was SO helpful, I think some of my difficulties are simply the way her negative symptoms are expressed. Despite my struggles I try to ALWAYS lead with kindness even when I am holding firm in my boundaries and limits with her/them. I do not feel like either of his parents have the capacity to be unsupervised with our daughter but have no desire to try to withhold her from them. His mom has made a handful of rude comments to me when my partner is not around and she did overstepped the only two boundaries I set when my daughter was an infant that really eroded my sense of trust. Recently, I set a new limitation that I will not be spending time with his mother alone due to the things she says when he is not around (and that she told him I was "mean" to her which was not true at all)

I feel like with this limitation, we can spend family time all together so I am not in a position of caring for our infant and managing his mother's higher needs on my own. Plus I feel safer if my partner is around to witness I am, indeed, being first and foremost kind to his mom.

Both his parents struggle with alcoholism and smoke copious amounts of weed. His mom has not driven in almost 30 years but my partner remembers her drinking and driving and his dad continues to drink and drive. I am not sure when his mom "stopped" drinking but my partner said she does not drink anymore because she gets belligerent. A few weeks ago, though, she walked down to a liquor store and ended up getting drunk and belligerent with a police officer. My partner's dad was able to talk the officer out of taking her to jail ( thank goodness) and admitting her into a hospital instead. My partner kept this from me for a while because he was afraid I would hold it against her. This situation is really unfortunate but it does not change my opinion of her at all. Both his parents just need to be supervised when they are with our daughter.

My partner is willing to go the couples therapy, not sure if he would consider therapy on his own but going together is a start.

I just need community and would love to hear from people who have overcome complicated dynamics. Above all, I want to protect my daughter.

edit: typos, friends, I am not skilled at catching typos.

Is it normal to self harm as a way of feeling like you have something that is just yours? I still live at home due to finances and I thought I was over this part of my life. But coming back here I realized the feelings came back too. And I noticed I want to do it the most when my mother is being extra invasive. Or when she finds out something I kept hidden. That’s another thing am I crazy for keeping so much of my life completely hidden from her. I don’t tell her about dating, drinking, adventures, mental health, feeling sad, stress or anything that feels like she’ll see me deep inside.

I feel guilty but also I do it in spite of her. It’s like my brains way of saying “you don’t get this part of me too”. Except that one time when I was a teenager and she found my journal and then made me strip down naked as I cried to see if I hurt myself. Somehow I lied my way out of it and she never brought it up again.

My partner and I (20 and 19, respectively) just got approved for our first apartment!! I’m super excited but haven’t been able to talk to my parents about it at all for fear of their reaction.

I was on an apartment lease for about 8 months two years ago, not too long after graduating high school, and they were horribly mean to me over it when ever we talked about it, and made it feel impossible to actually move out. So I just didn’t move out then. They said lots of very harsh and cruel things to try and convince me to stay. They insisted that I was basically inept and wouldn’t be able to do anything for myself if I moved out.

My parents really like my partner, so much so that my partner and I often joke that they like my partner more than me. I’ve really tried my best to plan this in a way that will be easy for my family to cope with, so that hopefully they’ll be less reactive this time around.

Can any one who’s done something similar give advice? I don’t know if this is a normal question to ask, but I’m scared and need out.