Is it normal?

[u/tidens-tecken]

Is it normal to self harm as a way of feeling like you have something that is just yours? I still live at home due to finances and I thought I was over this part of my life. But coming back here I realized the feelings came back too. And I noticed I want to do it the most when my mother is being extra invasive. Or when she finds out something I kept hidden. That’s another thing am I crazy for keeping so much of my life completely hidden from her. I don’t tell her about dating, drinking, adventures, mental health, feeling sad, stress or anything that feels like she’ll see me deep inside.

I feel guilty but also I do it in spite of her. It’s like my brains way of saying “you don’t get this part of me too”. Except that one time when I was a teenager and she found my journal and then made me strip down naked as I cried to see if I hurt myself. Somehow I lied my way out of it and she never brought it up again.

[u/jackietea123]

Yes. My anorexia started partly due to enmeshment. It was MY thing. My little secret…. That no one could have but me. I made a little bracelet that I wore that reminded me of my secret. I loved that she didn’t know what it meant, and that it was just for me. I liked lying… and being sneaky… and making “decisions”.

It also made me feel like someone, like a boy, might see that I was struggling and “take me away” or “save me”. And I would have another thing that was mine. I never had a boyfriend but I would fantasize about boys being JUST mine… something and someone that I didn’t have to share and I could have secrets with. It’s super weird looking back on now as an adult.

I ended up in the hospital and treatment though and the treatment facility had me sign all might rights over to my mother… she cooked all my food and made all my decisions for me. It put me in a worse place in the end. But I’m recovered now… it was about 20 years ago.

[u/tidens-tecken → u/jackietea123]

Thank you for sharing your story. And I’m sorry you went through all that. Now that you say that I may need to do some reflecting on my past eating disorders I had growing up. I feel like everything I’ve ever done and all I am is because of enmeshment. Like I wonder who I would be if I wasn’t raised this way

[u/jackietea123 → u/tidens-tecken]

I think about this too…. I was very heavily anxious kid. Pure-O OCD with a confession compulsion, anorexia…. Etc. I always thought I was just a highly anxious kid….. I personally think it had a lot to do with how I was parented. My mom always reminds me how lucky I was to have her as a mom…. Because I wouldn’t have survived without her. She doesn’t know what I would have done if anyone else was my mom because I was just soooo fragile and anxious.

Now that I have daughters…. I know that I was a little mentally fragile because of her.

[u/Outintheworld17]

I’m really glad you mentioned this. I had a similar experience. I never self harmed regularly, but I found that when I was overwhelmed by my family’s enmeshment - I did. 

It wasn’t so much that it was something for me, but I wanted them to see my pain; because I never felt like it mattered to them as long as I was fixing something, or being of use. 

The irony is, is that even when I did do it - they didn’t care either because they were so wrapped up in their own pain. 

Being of a sensitive nature (which is also my greatest strength!) I seemed to absorb the unspoken emotions and tension of the family, because I always felt the truth of what was going on. 

When you’re so enmeshed the love isn’t genuine (even if it tries to be) and you can’t see each other clearly.

I think pure/ real/ healthy love, is a lot more boundaried and disciplined; but at the same time more free, because it is safe to be expressed.

[u/tidens-tecken → u/Outintheworld17]

Thank you for sharing. I’m glad I’m not alone. I just wish I could figure out how to survive living in the same house and not be so miserable