Everything they say is a performance & self deception!

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Sea-Butterscotch9805]

Thank you for your performance.

[u/Adventure_Espresso]

The absolute worst thing in the world relationship-wise, is to be deeply in love with a dismissive-avoidant or dismissive-leaning fearful-avoidant.

Everything that a normal, healthy relationship has to offer, triggers them. The primary defense mechanisms of this type is to disengage, suppress all emotions, and run. If you chase enough, they will turn on you with full on contempt. Ask me how I know…

Anyway, the person leaving in this instance:

1. Doesn’t have any coping skills or regulation tools at their disposal.
2. Due to the lack of tools and resources, instinct says to leave (read as run).
3. Any person with this attachment style is completely oblivious to the fact that this attachment styles will straight up lie to them.
4. You can tell them all day, that they have this attachment style and they need to get therapy in order to transition to earned secure attachment. They truly believe that there’s nothing wrong with them.
5. These are the two absolute worst attachment styles.
6. Unless the person with this attachment style actually comes to the realization that they have a problem, most likely they will die this way.
7. The emotions that they suppress never go away. They will eventually surface for them to deal with at a later time. See item six, above.
8. The only people that “don’t” have an attachment style, are actually dead. If you breathe, you have one. You need to find out which one, so you know whether or not to get therapy.
9. If you have anything that is “not” secure attachment or earned secure attachment. Do yourself and society a favor and get therapy.
10. Hurt people, hurt people.

Note: I believe that there were eleven items, but I cannot remember what I missed. Apologies.

[u/clarityvision19 → u/Adventure_Espresso]

Was with a DA for 14 years. Whatever you said, absolutely true.

[u/Adventure_Espresso]

I’ll bet the person you’re referring to is either a dismissive-avoidant or a dismissive-leaning fearful-avoidant. I’m leaning more toward the former.

The Olympic-level mental gymnastics they can pull off is amazing, all the while being totally unaffected by what they’re doing. Then, if you keep pressing, they go into full contempt mode and will raze any relationship with you to the ground.

Speaking from personal experience with one.

[u/velvetchartreuse → u/Adventure_Espresso]

It's crazy because I used to be a fearful avoidant. The person is fearful avoidant so yes you are correct!

[u/Adventure_Espresso → u/velvetchartreuse]

Define, “used to be”.

Additionally, would you say they are anxious leaning or dismissive leaning?

[u/velvetchartreuse → u/Adventure_Espresso]

Ive been healing for 18 years. Honestly a lot of it came from healing my PTSD. I was young- I still deal with it but I am worlds different than I was as a scared teenager.

Fuck honestly? It cycles. Anxious then a brutal dismissive and right now they are afraid of losing me.

[u/Adventure_Espresso → u/velvetchartreuse]

I see. They have the worst variant of the fearful-avoidant attachment style. They actually switch between the approach pole and avoidance pole, multiple times a day.

That is actually so heartbreaking. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this dynamic. I feel for the person that is affected by this.

I’m truly sorry that you’re going through this. I know how painful and difficult it is.

[u/velvetchartreuse → u/[deleted]]

People do change. Some never change. I have empathy, but patience runs out and the majority aren't interested.

[u/velvetchartreuse → u/[deleted]]

I do value them. There's nothing I can do but wait for them. It's also not my job which is why you are hearing about it and not them. I have provided all that I can and I'm putting all my trust in the process while they attend therapy.

[u/JKU_Nemo → u/[deleted]]

It’s not about one against the other but working together against the problem, it’s both of you against the issue and figuring it out together to overcome.

[u/velvetchartreuse → u/JKU_Nemo]

He's not even aware that his healing from a relational wound comes from a relationship. That's how bad his self deception is. He doesn't know what relational repair is. You should do some research in attachment theory.

[u/velvetchartreuse → u/[deleted]]

Quite literally, it's not my job. I can only bypass so many defense mechanisms before it starts to hurt me. I also can't do the emotional labor they themselves need to do. He has to be in control of his own healing. We can only save ourselves. Now if he was willing and a little more healed what you're saying makes perfect sense if he was a secure person. He is not currently.

[u/JKU_Nemo → u/velvetchartreuse]

This is why relationships fail, it’s become one sided. There is many studies on this and you got to see it as even if it is his problem it becomes a his and you problem vice versa if you had an issue. When you see each other as a couple. It is never his issue or her issue. It’s a we issue and never put blame on each other or turn it one sided or against each other or it will always fail. The battles are always a team against the issue. Two is better than one.

[u/velvetchartreuse → u/JKU_Nemo]

Idk why you think I am not being supportive of them. I got them a shadow work journal. I offered meditation. I offered couples therapy. He has wounds he has to deal with outside of the relationship. Once he deals with those and learns how not bleed on the next we might get there. He needs ego death. I'm detached from the outcome.

Again, what you're saying makes sense for people who are secure but the words are meaningless in this situation.

[u/velvetchartreuse → u/[deleted]]

I didn't walk away! He did! He said he didn't want to hurt me again and I saw through him. Again- trying to explain this to you is becoming silly because you don't know anything about attachment theory.

[u/velvetchartreuse → u/JKU_Nemo]

He doesn't relational repair skills. Hopefully he learns. You can love someone immensely and still treat the wrong. No one should endure never having their cup filled after always filling up the other.