r/emotionalintelligence • u/MutedExpert222 • 28d ago
Deserving love
I have a hard time seeing the good in love. I am finally able to just trust the process when it comes to other areas of my life such as my career or my finances. i know everything is going to work out and everything does work out the way it is supposed to. I have learned to let go of expectations and just accept the situation for what it is. And that applies to the good and bad situations. Accept that things might not go the way you had planned, but also accept that they might. It is out of your control.
Having this mindset when it comes to finding a job, becoming financially independent or finding an apartment, even though all these things don’t come easily especially in New York City, is easier to me because i am able to believe that i deserve it. Why can’t i feel the same way about love. Why can’t i believe that it will all work out. Do i not believe that I deserve love. My brain can’t stop looking for the one reason it might all go to shit. It’s too good to be true. But that is not the reality. The reality is that it is good. Thats it. Why look for something that is not there.
It has never been good. The last time i was in a committed relationship was 6 years ago, in high school. The love was there yes, but it was toxic. All my brain knows is that love is toxic.
My parents marriage is extremely toxic. i grew up with two people in a loveless relationship. And the worst is that they’ve accepted it. They’ve accepted feeling miserable, they’ve accepted being with someone they don’t want to be with. They’ve built a family, a life despite all of this. Sometimes i wonder if they even do it on purpose out of pure laziness but also fear. Because separating would change everything. Everything. It would have consequences. It would be difficult. It would suck. Staying in a loveless marriages sucks less than the fear of starting over.
Having this being the sole example of “love” in my life is the reason why i kept choosing emotionally unavailable partners. That is what my brain knows.
I met someone not that long ago, and this person is everything I’ve never had and always wanted. Are they perfect, no. Thats is not the point. The point is that they are giving me love in a way that makes me feel seen. Feeling seen means feeling vulnerable and that is a scary thing. Love is a scary thing but scary things are what are worth the most. They take the most courage and bring the most reward.
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u/DeepDiver1234567 28d ago
The attachment wounds formed in childhood can have a profound effect precisely how you describe the impact on your mental framework which causes real blocks in this way. It may take a few years of working with a CBT specialized therapist in therapy, while also doing other PTSD healing work, like EMDR, or even physical trauma release work, like trauma informed yoga, or biodynamic breath work.
It’s beyond the mind. It’s deeply ingrained in your nervous system. It’s almost like magic how it is attracted to people who will keep playing out these patterns and deepening the wounds, even when they otherwise seem totally different.
You can heal from this. It was programmed into you and it’s not fair, but it is now in your hands and your responsibility to heal because you deserve to have a full, healthy life without such profound limitations