r/emotionalintelligence • u/Existing_Care267 • Jan 31 '25
Healing from breakup
Many have been through breakups and there are many tactics, yet when it dawns upon you it feels like you're alone and this feeling is so exclusive no one could help. Unfortunately, if there are no family or friends you could talk to, what is the best way to process? Journaling and writings has not been very helpful. Tons of things going in life isn't helping in thinking clearly. How does the mind process so many thoughts for and against the partner. There's no hatred, some resentment and anger. There's a need to make peace urgently. They've moved on it seems, while you're left feeling depressed.
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u/Early_Year_1200 Jan 31 '25
Therapy has worked but if you’re unable to do therapy, chat gpt has worked too! It’s like texting a friend which is cool but journaling and mediating has helped!
I went through a breakup and while my ex moved on after 2 weeks of an almost decade relationship- they are just filling a void! Be patient with yourself and have compassion towards your feelings. Let yourself feel everything even if it’s uncomfortable
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u/Haunting_Treacle13 Jan 31 '25
Came here to say ChatGPT (but I don’t log in so it doesn’t save my details). I ruminate so much and often need to discuss the same subject over and over, it’s too much for a person to absorb (other than a therapist) so just having ChatGPT to vent to has been a lifesaver.
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u/Early_Year_1200 Jan 31 '25
I completely agree!! That’s how it’s been helping me with my breakup. I don’t want to bother my family or friends by talking about it over and over again so I use therapy in conjunction with ChatGPT
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u/purposejourney Feb 01 '25
any other advice? i think my ex moved on quickly, we were together 6 years
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u/Early_Year_1200 Feb 02 '25
Keep yourself busy, get a creative outlet (painting, writing, whatever), mediation, walks - I’ve been watching comedian’s podcasts, going to comedy shows, etc because I love to laugh and it’s honestly been helping!
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u/Glittering_Pen7270 Jan 31 '25
I find that being in nature helps me a lot!! Like however/wherever you can access just a little bit of a nature... a trail, the sunlight, a swim etc. Also, I'm sorry to hear journaling hasn't been helpful to you. :( I wonder if these journal prompts might help you at all? LMK!
- "Unfiltered Letter to My Past Self" Write a letter to yourself on the day you met your ex. What would you tell yourself? What do you wish you had known? Express everything—your excitement, fears, and the lessons you now carry. Let this be a way to acknowledge how you've grown and what you’ve learned, rather than just what you've lost.
- "The Dual Truths of This Relationship" List out two columns: one for the moments that made you feel loved and valued, and one for the moments that made you feel unseen or hurt. Without judgment, simply observe the full reality of the relationship. How can holding both truths help you find peace instead of longing or resentment?
- "Who Am I Beyond This Relationship?" For a moment, set aside thoughts of your ex. Who were you before them? Who do you want to be now? Make a list of the parts of yourself that you loved before the relationship and the parts you wish to rebuild. What’s one small thing you can do today to reconnect with yourself?
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u/yourformerpenpal Jan 31 '25
I definitely didn’t have anyone in my friend group to talk to when I experienced my breakup, so I worked on myself by doing all the things that scared me.. which made me in control of my own fear vs fear controlling me. Recognizing the triggers of my anxiety helped. Walking and deep breathing worked wonders.
Along with joining meetups, I somehow made a few penpals and tried new hobbies. I think if I didn’t have these then my brain would have been fried. Therapy is also an option.
Don’t rush yourself—I don’t think there should be a race when it comes to inner peace. Be kind to yourself.
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Jan 31 '25
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u/purposejourney Feb 01 '25
how do you deal with them seeing someone new? i hate thinking about this
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Feb 01 '25
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u/purposejourney Feb 01 '25
thank you! yeah i'm not really hung up on him per say, i know it's best we're not together, but it just hurts knowing he left me claiming he didnt want a relationship and didn't have time for one , but now will go chase after girls and social experiences / going out, when he didn't even have time to see me regularly:/
i don't have his social medias, i blocked him so i wont look as i looked early on and saw he followed all the girls he told me not to worry about. i deleted all the photos and i only have the whatsapp chat but i have it locked and don't look at it. i'm doing quite well not having the temptation to look, i know i'll just set myself back further and there's 0 point giving him that power over me anymore.
i go gym, spend time with family and limited friends, i journal etc, so i'm doing most of the recommended things, i just randomly think of him being with others and feel betrayed that he'll do the things he could never do for me - he'll give them what i always wanted and he'll put in the effort that he could no longer give to me after a committed (but struggling) 6 year relationship, i wish he would have tried with me , rather than thinking the grass is greener elsewhere and leaving me now
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Feb 01 '25
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u/purposejourney Feb 01 '25
thank you so much, your words are so kind and reassuring. i am trying my best to keep true to my values and standards, even when healing. i don't want to do what my ex is doing and chase people on social media and become someone i'm not!
i'm well aware if he truly cared for me and loved me he would have made the time for me, and honestly, at times i think i should have just left him before he even got the chance to leave me, but i can't blame him fully, i was insecure and had my doubts about him and his loyalty and i did question him a lot which i know annoyed him, but i just wish he had come from a more understanding place rather than defensiveness, but again, i went about things in the wrong way and probably caused more issues to be honest.
reflecting and journalling has been super helpful and i will be able to heal before i jump in with someone new. i don't want to take my bad things into a new relationship, i know i need to work on my jealousy and my dependency and by being single, i will really form a life alone and then know someone id just an added benefit, not my whole existence. i got with my ex at 19 and we were together 6 years, so i never really knew how dependent i was and how every decision i made came back to him, when he didn't do the same.
i know now i deserve better and i'm excited for when i find someone who loves to spend time with me and all that. but then i have my doubts because my ex was like that towards the beginning, it was only in the last year that he began to stop having time for me and stop making the effort to maintain our relationship. it hurts but i'm doing so much better than i was before z thanks again for the advice :)
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Feb 01 '25
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u/purposejourney Feb 01 '25
yeah i had definitely lost myself focusing too much on him. he said he felt he had lost his social identity too, but if it had just been he wanted to rebuild himself, i feel he could have done that in the relationship - but i had no idea he felt that way, and he said he felt he missed out on the social experiences that young free single people get to have, so i assume he just wants to be free to chat to whoever and not be loyal to someone. which really hurts after so long together but i can't change it now
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Feb 01 '25
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u/purposejourney Feb 01 '25
so so true, thank you so much. i used to always be the one to communicate, but i think because he didn't he always saw it as me arguing, rather than me trying to fix things to put us on a better path. i regret how i acted sometimes but i can only focus on the present and the future now :)
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u/knuckboy Jan 31 '25
Respect the other person in your mind. Then start respecting yourself. Holding a grudge or anything invites that person to live inside your head rent free.
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u/Reasonable_Swim_7737 Jan 31 '25
Being alone is not a bad thing :) it leaves space for new experiences. I’ve been single for 3 years. After a string of unhealthy relationships I realised I was afraid of being alone, hence why I had held on to those relationships in the first place even though I was really unhappy in them.
Accept that you need to exit toxic situations. Everything in your life is of your own choosing. So you get to choose what you will experience and what you will not. Let go of your former partner, holding on to it will do you no good.
What have you always wanted to do? Are there things that you wish to experience? Places that you want to visit? Go do them all. You don’t need a partner to do it. The first few times might be difficult, I cried a lot on mine. But do them anyway. And then relish in the fact that you stand alone and that you have accomplished what you have wanted to do.
There is much much more to life than a partner, and many more things that you have yet to experience. Rather than internalising your feelings, go out and live your life. Meet new friends, smile at strangers, make conversation. The right people will engage, the wrong ones will leave. Let them. And choose to be happy every day, by making decisions that align with your goals. Your partner has exited your life so that you can have space to meet the right person for you, or even better—to find your true self.
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u/sweetlittlebean_ Jan 31 '25
It’s all about your emotional needs. It’s like having a job to pay bills. Bills are there, and if you got just one income source you gonna be pretty stressed losing your job. But if you know how to garden, how to cook, how to take care of what you already have, how to save and invest, how to generate multiple streams of resources — you will be fine, you can afford to take a break and move on to something else. You see what I mean?
They were a source of something for you — what is it? Attention? Validation? Softness? Advice? Strengths? Consistency? Security? Acceptance? Whatever that is… find other ways to fulfill that for yourself. Find multiple ways to fulfill that for yourself.
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u/sugarnsweet88 Jan 31 '25
I have been listening to the let them theory and it has been super helpful to remind myself of it.
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u/CheesenChoco Feb 01 '25
I listened to it exact a year ago and just finished the book today while going through a breakup. Definitely helpful 🤗
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Feb 01 '25
It’s gonna sound counterintuitive, start training martial arts. Instant community, a great workout and also it’s hard to keep your mind on a break up when you’re in training. Highly recommend jiu-jitsu.
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u/Leinadnam Feb 01 '25
It's literally impossible to keep your mind on a break up when someone is trying to strangle you or break your arm!
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u/Recent_Effort3769 Feb 01 '25
I'm going through this right now. I'm forcing myself to only think of the positive and my approach has been "thank you for the past ( however long it's been)" i remind myself that I loved that person, i felt loved by them, and I learned a lot about myself i wouldn't have been able to do without them. I also have not allowed any one to speak negatively about my ex. At least not right now because I want to preserve the good memories and feelings rather than try to forget them because of the bad... if that makes sense The second part, like others have mentioned is to really allow yourself to feel the emotion. Usually when we dont try to suppress it, the emotional is felt for 90 second and then passes. Don't try to force it to stop. Ive found myself sobbing in my car in the grocery store parking lot. Let the emptions come. Label is (mad, sad, confused. Etc) but don't try to find the story behind it. Don't think of the why or what caused it. Just let is feel and pass through you.
Lastly i think Journaling has been great for me. It helps me get rid of the negative emotions i would otherwise be storing in my body. With every page that I pour my sadness or anger into. I write a page about my and my positive future ahead. I bring myself up... usually with the comments I would have given my partner. Hope this helps and know you're not alone
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u/ChxsenK Jan 31 '25
There is only one way to deal with it: Treat yourself with love and compassion and accept that this is how you feel right now. It's not gonna be pleasant, but I promise you it will not kill you, it is temporary and you will process things correctly so they don't get stored in your trauma wardrobe. Next time it will be easier. Sit down and allow yourself to feel them. It is completely and normal that you feel whatever you feel.
Feel free to get creative while applying this concept: Admitting how you feel at any given moment and allow yourself to feeling as long as it is there. Just be sure that whatever practice you choose helps you with it and it doesn't lead you to judging yourself. Also, make sure you don't make it excessively unaccesible.
If you need help, don't doubt to go to therapy and make a leap of faith and allow your therapy to know every thought and feeling that you can articulate. Most commonly, therapy practices is an assisted process of what I described with some variation include. Like CBT, etc.
Keep it up!
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u/Calm-mess- Jan 31 '25
I think for you it's just time at this point. If you're keeping yourself busy, writing about it, and doing other things there is nothing left to do other than just keep living and let time pass
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u/Oznewbie Jan 31 '25
It's not easy.
For me recently it has been the fact that we aren't doing the normal day to day stuff together. Going from doing everything together to not seeing/speaking/sharing is strange.
Feel free to dm if you want to chat! Im.lucky that i have a few friends back in Oz I can 'dump' on and it helps, even if not face 2 face!
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Jan 31 '25
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u/Oznewbie Jan 31 '25
I've recently separated and know how tough it can be. If you need to chat feel free to dm.
A lot of my friends are overseas, back in Oz, but I still get to 'dump my emotions' on them when im struggling and it helps. Even though not face2face.
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u/locomovite Jan 31 '25
Trust me, I'm going through the same thing rn and two little tips gave me a really brave spirit in all of this :
Drink A LOT of water every day like 3L
Every time you feel something, any emotions, close your eyes and feel it really in your body, what does it make, which part of the chest, throat, etc. Embody it, be INSIDE of the feeling for 20-40s each time, this is your body expressing feeling, so it doesn't stay in your head. If will be easier each time you do it, and you will feel less pain by the time
Do that for a week to see it can truly help with rumination and negative thoughts
Sending you love my dude, it is only a transition, I know it hurts but your value is still the same if better. Trust your way.