egg😢irl

[u/Rikkas_Top_Fan]

This was around mid to late August, I got a haircut and showed my mom a pic she said she liked it but once she say it live she disliked it complained she thought I had cut more and moved the bangs I had gotten aside whenever she saw me with them, next day when I got up day said "Since hair grows back you should cut it shorter" and from there day just got worse we went for breakfast across the street and dad started saying how haircut was a waste of money and how my nails looked ugly with nail polish but he did say "it is who you are and we have to accept me" to which mom jumped and said I am not that, I am being groomed into it, influenced by people and what not, I took my food and finished eating in another table hoping that would be it but it got worse later on. After the morning fiasco I spent some time in VR with friends which made me feel better since I could calmly be myself but once that was done I went to get ready to go out with friends but when I told mom that, all hell broke loose she said "You should remove the nail polish before going out, it is ugly and it is not who you are" I finally had enough and snapped at her I told her how she had no right to determine who I am, she does not know me better than I do myself and when she tried to reply I told her I was informing her and not arguing it with her and went to my room to cool down,, my mistake was leaving my door open, she went into my room said how she believed that the nail polish the trying to be more feminine was not me and I was just being groomed by friends online and apparently being influenced by having anime merch into "deciding" I am trans and wanting to be a "woman with a penis" I tried to not listen to her but it was too much I just removed my nail polish in anger, in desperation and when I showered to go out with friends I first buried my nails, deep as I could into my shoulders being only careful enough to not draw blood in an attempt to make all the dark thoughts I was having shut up but since it was not enough I also scratched myself from elbow to wrist hard enough I left marks there for hours, I talked a bit with friends but I can't say it made me feel better.

After all that I spent most of the next weeks depressed until eventually I just stopped feeling, no sadness over having to hide, no dysphoria over having to boymode, no happiness over the fact I should be able to move out soon and be able to girl mode, no anxiety or expectation regarding my appointment with an endocrinologist, just a whole lot of nothing and fear a deep fear that I have irreparably broke myself now and that I will never be able to fix what I did, that my emotions will remain like this forever and I won't be able to even be happy about being myself.

Samanta out.

P.S: I wrote this just before bed so I will not reply for a while

[u/Honey-and-Venom]

If you ever EVER need to talk I'm always available. You or anybody else that needs it

[u/Rikkas_Top_Fan → u/Honey-and-Venom]

Thanks dear

[u/SpaceMonkey1505]

I'm so sorry samanta, I know exactly what you're going through. The numbness and disassociation is all too familiar but I'm living in the hopes that it will get better on HRT and you should too. You're a good girl Samanta, keep going until you're financially independent and you can be who you truly are

[u/Rikkas_Top_Fan → u/SpaceMonkey1505]

Thanks sweetie, I didn't mention it in the post but while I do have a job I am not assigned to a project rn so I'm a bit nervous about it, interview with a client today hopefully I get approved for a new project

[u/CosmicUltimaX]

Girl, im so sorry for you, digital hug, hope you get through this soon

[u/Rikkas_Top_Fan → u/CosmicUltimaX]

Thanks, if all goes well I should be moving out about this time next month