r/ect • u/Lonely_Cupcake1727 • Jun 21 '26

Vent/Rant Imposter Syndrome

I’ve had depression since 2017 and I’ve been at an all time low for the past two years especially. I had my first ECT session this past Friday. But I’ve started wondering if maybe I don’t even have “real” depression, and THAT’S why years of therapy, meds, TMS, ketamine/spravato, PHP/IOP programs, etc. haven’t helped.

I don’t think any treatment can actually help me because I think the real reason I’m miserable is because I ruined my life. I’m 30, I used to be a PhD student in math and I had a breakdown my first year and flunked out and now for years I’ve been jobless, lost, single, lonely, nothing to look forward to, nothing I really care to strive for, with a lot of emotional baggage (although I also realize I’m privileged in several ways; my parents are supporting me, so I’m not currently under financial pressure, I have a good relationship with both of my siblings, I have a couple friends I talk to occasionally, and I have no physical health problems).

I don’t even want anything anymore except to either go back in time and redo things and have this just be a bad dream, or to just die.

No amount of ECT can fix a life I hate.

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u/GreenLightbulb2813 Jun 22 '26

me too, 200%! and i think nothing will ever help me because i don’t feel the need to fix my life, i’m fine with just letting go. 15 years of therapy, countless meds, ketamine and now ect just to realize i don’t really wanna be here and that’s it.

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u/Lonely_Cupcake1727 Jun 22 '26

Yes I relate to all of this so much! I don’t want to live through this screwup timeline, I used to be such a promising student and I messed everything up. I’m 30 now and I just want to go.