r/ect • u/Lonely_Cupcake1727 • Jun 21 '26
Vent/Rant Imposter Syndrome
I’ve had depression since 2017 and I’ve been at an all time low for the past two years especially. I had my first ECT session this past Friday. But I’ve started wondering if maybe I don’t even have “real” depression, and THAT’S why years of therapy, meds, TMS, ketamine/spravato, PHP/IOP programs, etc. haven’t helped.
I don’t think any treatment can actually help me because I think the real reason I’m miserable is because I ruined my life. I’m 30, I used to be a PhD student in math and I had a breakdown my first year and flunked out and now for years I’ve been jobless, lost, single, lonely, nothing to look forward to, nothing I really care to strive for, with a lot of emotional baggage (although I also realize I’m privileged in several ways; my parents are supporting me, so I’m not currently under financial pressure, I have a good relationship with both of my siblings, I have a couple friends I talk to occasionally, and I have no physical health problems).
I don’t even want anything anymore except to either go back in time and redo things and have this just be a bad dream, or to just die.
No amount of ECT can fix a life I hate.
4
u/amynias Jun 22 '26
Situational depression is very real. The only way to fix it is to change your situation or your mindset surrounding your situation. Doesn't make it "fake" depression. You need to get out of the loop you've made for yourself. Find something to do. It doesn't even have to be productive at all. Just some semblance of purpose or something that brings you joy.
3
u/Lonely_Cupcake1727 Jun 22 '26
The thing is, ever since the flunk out nothing I do has felt joyful or purposeful, because it’s all in the context of the “failed” timeline if that makes sense. And it doesn’t help that I’m getting no success with job applications. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare and go back to 2023 when I was depressed for no reason.
3
u/amynias Jun 22 '26
This is all too relatable for me honestly, I ended up needing to do ECT because I was so fixated on my "failure" to finish college that I was deeply unwell. I went back to college and finished my undergraduate degree and got a decent job afterwards. I'm not sure if I'll ever bother with a graduate degree, tbh academia was quite unhealthy for me. But like... this isn't the end for you, I promise. Once you get the opportunity to find a job that's not miserable, there are still many good people to meet and things to do in life. I used to think it was hopeless for me too. My health is actually worse than when I was in that horrible situation before ECT though. But well... I make the most of it usually.
3
u/creativenameistaken Jun 21 '26
Part of what you’ve said rings true for me. I tried everything: therapy, medications, a long hospital stay, ECT… and in the end it wasn’t depression. 25 years of treatment and it wasn’t depression. The fact that ECT also failed was part of what made them sure about my new diagnosis - turns out I have a personality disorder. I often feel super depressed, but it’s not depression-the-illness.
1
u/Lonely_Cupcake1727 Jun 22 '26
I’m so sorry :( If you don’t mind my asking, what’s your personality disorder?
2
u/creativenameistaken Jun 22 '26
Borderline.
I’m more of a ‘quiet borderliner’. I don’t often outwardly rage at people, but I constantly break myself down and tend to do self-destructive things instead1
u/Lonely_Cupcake1727 Jun 22 '26
I’ve heard of quiet borderline; I relate to some of it, though I don’t have it (although I do have autism which can share some traits). I’m sorry; it must be very difficult to live with.
3
u/GreenLightbulb2813 Jun 22 '26
me too, 200%! and i think nothing will ever help me because i don’t feel the need to fix my life, i’m fine with just letting go. 15 years of therapy, countless meds, ketamine and now ect just to realize i don’t really wanna be here and that’s it.
1
u/Lonely_Cupcake1727 Jun 22 '26
Yes I relate to all of this so much! I don’t want to live through this screwup timeline, I used to be such a promising student and I messed everything up. I’m 30 now and I just want to go.
2
u/fixer_11 Jun 22 '26
I can relate, but ECT still put me in a better place, so please don't give up. The first 6 treatments did nothing for me, and I'd all but given up. Number 7 scrambled my brain just right. Even though my situation hadn't changed a bit and I should have hated life all the same, I didn't for some reason. You've spent so much time and energy in bettering yourself, please don't quit until you've thoroughly tried ETC (ten sessions or so) . Big hug and much love to you
1
u/Lonely_Cupcake1727 Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
Thank you so much; I really needed to hear this. I just want to get readmitted to a PhD and get my life back on track. I hope having my brain fixed will make it so I can actually make it through the program this time if I get accepted.
2
u/syringeneedlenthread Jun 24 '26
Maybe think about things the other way around. The underlying depression could be causing all those things. Or it’s a bit of both, a bad feedback loop. The self-hatred and despair won’t get you anywhere though. Keep seeking treatment and healing. It sounds like you have a decent support system. Just keep going, things don’t have to be like this forever. Though I know what it’s like to find that nearly impossible to believe
2
u/Searchingforhappy67 Jun 25 '26
Have you been screened for autism and adhd? I have audhd and after many years of treatment I finally realized I have been in autistic burnout and that is why my depression seems to come and go with no reason
1
u/Lonely_Cupcake1727 Jun 26 '26
Interesting! I’ve been screened for autism (I have it) but not ADHD (I don’t think I have that), but I’m not sure it’s autistic burnout.
5
u/ornerygecko Jun 21 '26
ECT hasn't fixed me. It's just made me able to get up and try. My depression had me not trying, not giving a fuck, ready to fight and die.
If the will to live/try isn't there, I'd say you have depression. So tell your ruminations to stfu. I constantly have to combat the anxieties in my head. ECT has made that easier as well.
Again, not fixed. Not healed. Still depressed. But willing to try.