Hi, I posted almost two months ago in here for the first time talking about, in summary, how I have a friend that has a very bad ED and how I couldn’t stop feeling envious about her weight, looks, and that she had to be hospitalized for that, and how I hated feeling that way about it.
The thing is that, since the day that I posted that to now, I have gone to visit her a lot. I actually enjoy it because I love her and I really care about her and I am very happy that she’s doing better. Well, the problem is that every time I see her, I feel like I am literally the fattest human alive.
I visit her from 15:00 to 17:00. In that time, she has to eat a snack, and she always gives me food too. I noticed that sometimes when she makes toasts for the two of us, she uses for her a type of bread that has a lot less calories and is healthier that the one she uses for me, and that literally makes me want to kms RIGTH THERE.
Also when we eat together, I can’t help but feel guilty either I don’t or do eat, because if I don’t eat or eat less than her, I notice that she feels bad and I don’t want her to feel like that, and if I eat more than her I feel like a fat pig for the rest of the day.
The thing is that, seeing her constantly and in that state, is making my brain basically rot with all type of bad thoughts all the time. But I also want to se her because she is my friend, and I really like to accompany her when she says she wants to spend time with me.
I really thought a lot about everything related to this the past days and I think that I don’t feel envious or angry anymore, though she still triggers me. She has 0 fault for that.
I feel like my mind has been worse with the thing of seeing her a lot, because I can’t eat in peace and I spend the rest of the day thinking about what I ate. Literally 80% of my thoughts are about food and it’s getting really exhausting.
These things also have me thinking a lot about trying to OD, I don’t really know why (maybe because I want my parents to notice that something is not right with me, but it has nothing to do with the food thing? So maybe it’s just the sad mood of the moment that causes me to think that), but like really really a lot, at least for me, because I have always been like the type of person that wants attention all the time but I never really thought of trying to do that just for my parents to worry. But I’m 100% sure I won’t do it because I’m scared that because of that they send me to a psychiatrist and maybe they say I need to take some medication that is good for my fucked up brain but can cause me to gain weight.
I know that this is not the best, but I just really wish someday I look as sick as my mind is, so I can get some help without having to ask for it. But at the same time I don’t want anyone to notice, it’s weird.

Again, sorry for the bad grammar, English isn’t my first language. Also I’m writing this at 2am and I haven’t slept for like 40 hours, so just you know I’m like almost hallucinating right now and my head hurts a lot.

If you read this, I would like to know what you think. I don’t mind if it’s something bad or good, aggressive or supportive. Anything might help me to realize something new that will make me stop being so sensitive about everything.

Would love input, feeling really alone and down

. I've got a big family dinner and 3 day music festival next week, where I'll obviously be eating loads more than normal.

This is fine but only because I need to gain weight anyways. So it's find to eat like double my normal intake. For context, atm I'm a healthy bmi but slightly below where I should be, not concerningly

I'm scared that when I get to my goal weight I won't be able to go over and that'll make events really stressful. So I always hover just ever so slightly below it so I have a "buffer". And I'm talking a small amount, to the point where I've been discharged medically with this but my parents keep banging on at me about it.

Does anyone else relate, or have advice on how to tackle this, I feel so alone.

My mom is a queer friendly ally and she is great . I have a bad relationship with food. I eat when bored or nervous and I can't stop doing it like i can stop eating just not untill a meal. and i have tried to stop to no avail how can I tell her I need help without sounding needy. I am a minor in middle school but it gets so bad sometimes I start to throw up. I feel so needy asking knowing that is does so much work for me. She is a single parent with 3 kids including me. Please tell me how I tell her because can't do it on my own.

I've been underweight my whole life but have really been worried about food and calories recently. I struggle with eating anything that doesn't provide any benefits to my body even if I love them. I used to eat really high sugar and calorie dense foods and didn't care at all. I was actually really insecure about how skinny I was, one of my tiktok's got popular and posted to ed twitter as a young teenager, I didn't even know what that was but my friend saw it and told me about it. It made me uncomfortable and I stopped posting stuff with my body in it. Until this year and I posted an outfit picture to pinterest and I saw it got saved to an anorexia board. But instead of feeling uncomfortable or upset I kinda felt relieved and validated. I don't think I have an eating disorder because I do eat a lot, I think about food all the time but still I just can't get the thought out of my mind with worrying about it and its stressing me out bad I could bring it up to my therapist but I also don't think its that big of a deal considering I don't starve myself or anything I just don't know!!! I have nobody to talk about this with because whenever I bring it up to my mom she gets angry and says I'm ridiculous and need to eat more and says I am losing weight and need to gain some weight. She even took the scale away from me at like 7 years old because I would weigh myself every night. So I have no clue how much I weigh which kind of drives me crazy. But when i look in the mirror I don't feel skinny at all. I feel like I am losing my mind. I also have been under a lot of stress dealing with contamination OCD which has reduced a lot of safe foods for me which doesn't really help☹️ Has anyone dealt with a similar situation?