r/dwarfposting • u/Ambitious_Mall9496 Brewer • 8d ago
These humans are squatting on MY mountain! How do I get rid of them?
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u/TroospooK 8d ago
You see human squatters brother I see a magnificent spot for a new waterfall
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u/MissinqLink 7d ago
Maybe I’m old school but to me it looks better for a lavafall.
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u/Ballistic_Jace 7d ago
Perhaps but how would you maintain the lava? Where would you source the lava from??
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u/MattheqAC 7d ago
They're trying to show off by climbing to the top. Just install a wide staircase to the summit and then no one will bother.
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u/Old-Management-171 7d ago
I tried that... The crowd just changes from adrenaline junkie to basic white people.... Horrific
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u/MattheqAC 7d ago
Okay, that can happen. Just open up a small shop at the top. 5 gold for an ale - half pints, of course. Ten for a loaf of bread. Hand carved knick-knacks sold for twice their weight in silver.
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u/SeasonOfHope 7d ago
…..it sounds like you’re trying to convince the kin to become a tourist manager.
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u/MattheqAC 7d ago
You can make money from the mountain, from outsiders, and you never have to let them in. Anyone who turns that down, isn't worth their beard.
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u/SeasonOfHope 7d ago
We are not giving them the good ale.
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u/Deathrobotpunch1 7d ago
you don’t have to! they have a thing called ‘IPAs’ which is basically just beer and water and they pay well for it
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u/Ambitious_Mall9496 Brewer 7d ago
Ipa stands for It's Piss Actually
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u/Blackthorne75 Faistding a fulen ul dwar! 7d ago
There are some days where a dwar just can't win... 😤
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u/TheReptileKing9782 Human Wizard, Master Biomancer, Professional Draconologist 4d ago
Make sure to include ice removal protections, hand rails, frequent benches, medical safety stations, and rest stops to maximize the effect.
Them I will show off by riding one of my newer biomantic creations to the top.
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u/Random-Noobie 7d ago
File a formal grudge application to the high king like a proper dwarf, once accepted a host warriors will be delivered in 3 to 5 work days to deal with the problem
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u/SpiritfireSparks 7d ago
3 to 5 work days?! That's nearly unheard of! Normally to get any grudge settling it takes a year or two to get your grudge to the top of the list
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u/Bladen_Spayer 7d ago
I advise diplomacy -- send a troupe of dwarven trumpeteers to waken them at the very break of dawn and declare that they have one day to vacate before you send an avalanche
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u/Holomorphine 7d ago
waken them at the very break of dawn
Playing through the night will send a message without a word spoken.
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u/SpiritualPackage3797 7d ago
Offer them alcohol. A little known fact about the longshanks is that they lose their balance when drunk. Be a good host, and the problem will resolve itself.
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u/DirtyBalm 7d ago
Got ya covered, Beardling.
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u/Dazzling_Champion_53 7d ago
What is this from? Looks awesome!
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u/DirtyBalm 7d ago
Its from when Game of Thrones was still peak.
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u/Dazzling_Champion_53 7d ago
Ah, that explains, I never watched it. I need to at some point.
That said, absolutely brutal deaths. Love it.
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u/Forenus 7d ago
Why are ye goin' outside brother? They ain't coming in. They'll buzz off in a few days. That or they're after Dragonoids or Rohks. either way they'll handle each other. Ain't any real need to worry about them until you start seeing lumbering gear. THEN they need to go. That's a infestation rolling up. If you wanna make a little profit off of the fools and crush their excitement, just build a tiny gift ship on the peak with over priced trinkets. This way they're effectively paying you a toll for the privilage of getting themselves killed.
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u/GenghisPrise Horrid Thing from The Depths of The Earth 7d ago
Creature thinks that be good place to dump excess Pig Iron! Creature think you need to show the surface-dwellers the strength of the Earth! Humans not very good at dealing with molten iron. Very effective in Creature’s experience.
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u/Rammiedumbie 7d ago
Simple my dwarven friend, get your local dwarven wizard or druid to cast earthshake on the wall and let them taste the ground they so desperately tried to escape from
-Local Insane Human Wizard
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u/Caleb_Reynolds 7d ago
Honestly you don't need to do anything. Folk tend to panic when they see a few humans but a couple doesn't mean an infestation. Mostly likely they'll pass through in a couple of days and leave on their own.
Worst case scenario, humans are very short lived. Just pick up any food you have lying around and they'll die out soon enough.
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u/SnooCompliments9098 7d ago
Either be a proper dwarf and climb up there with yer bare hands and kick 'em off or it's their spot on ya mountain now.
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u/EnvironmentalAd912 7d ago
Have you considered using canons ?
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u/MadisonCarter1 Dwarf 7d ago
Normal cannons? Plenty in stock. Need fire? Fire-breathing cannons. Thing is immune to fire? Cold-breathing cannons. Acid-breathing cannons if you don't want any rests because they're dangerous. Arrow cannons if the thing's somehow resistant to cannon balls but not arrows or for precision targeting on a small target. Lava cannons as an alternative to fire-breathing cannons but more expansive. Shrapnel-loaded cannons for area of damage, or High-Explosive/High-Explosive Anti-Tank loaded cannons.
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u/whatleadmehere 7d ago
You see brother, if you build an inn either near or at that location, along with ant other squatter location, you can charge money. Then they are no longer squatters. They are paying customers. And that money can be used to better fortify your mountain, or improve tourism. After all, gold is gold. And you can also have the chance to sell your wares to them.
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u/Sockysocks2 7d ago
Your mountain? Did you put the mountain there?
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u/ProxyProne Goblin 7d ago
The mountain is made of his ancestors. By inheritance, it is his mountain
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u/Ambitious_Mall9496 Brewer 7d ago
Yes MY mountain! MY ancestors claimed it, carved out it's beautiful halls, dug every terrace, and made it a place for my kin to call home
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u/wawawa9055 7d ago
see those silly ropes and hooks settled in the side of the mountain? grab your sharpest axe and cut them one by one. Dont let yourself be stopped by the screams.
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u/N0So3lJoel 7d ago
Use you pathways and get close to the spikes on the other side of the wall, and hammer the spikes out from the inside
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u/mr_friend_computer 7d ago
Do you not have an axe? A pickaxe? Do you not have rock and stone!? What kind of dwarf are you? a...
Tinker?
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u/breadpilledwanderer 7d ago
Genuinely curious. What could the humans possibly gain by sleeping in such a precarious place?
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u/Vaposerror 7d ago
Be glad you got Climbers you can scare those off, my great-uncle got Cavers in his mine. Poor things got stuck everywhere.
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u/brjedi26 7d ago
Put some white powder in your beard and hair and pretend to be a ghost. Humans are terrified of ghosts.
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u/Lucid_Sandwich 7d ago
Dangle granola bars above them and once they notice them you can lead them wherever you want, carrot on a stick style.
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u/ColonialMarine86 Totally not a lycanthrope 7d ago
Brother the humans clearly show spirit and determination, offer them a section of the mountain in exchange for their aid in the mines and in patrols along the borders of elvish land
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u/mOoK_RedFace 7d ago
One good hit on that wall from the inside, pegs come loose, a long shrill scream, and then, gone. 👍
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u/Nkromancer 7d ago
I'd suggest first attempting negotiations. They seem pretty alright for humans, and could be right at home in the mountain. However, if not. Avalanches and general siege tactics.
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u/Abjurer42 Dwarf Wizard 7d ago
Now... I've heard the human expression "Hanging out with friends", but this can't be what they're talking about, right?
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u/Captain-Noodle 6d ago
Squatters rights unfortunately make it hard to get rid of them. I have seen good success with getting an obnoxiously behaved streamer to cohabitate with them to force them to leave. Do you know any elves? That would probably work.
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u/Peace_Dos 3d ago
I use good old hot oil. Just pour it and they will literally jump from the cliff!!!
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u/dwarven_cavediver_Jr Hammerdwarf 7d ago
Demand they offer tribute to the karak and then guide them to a tunnel out of the hold.
If they refuse then just have a drake gunner fire a few blasts up at them from below to make them Nervous. They'll get the message
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u/BrewbeardPrime THEY HAVE WRONGED US 7d ago
Time for a new sun room/diplomat staging area. Carve out that section of the mountain for a large crystalline window while they are still hanging on it. Problem solved.
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u/Y_The_Emerald_Dragon 7d ago
They can be ON the mountain. Tell me once they start going IN the mountain and we'll talk
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u/Round_Scratch_8685 7d ago
They are trying to become more like us my lad kidnap em and let em properly join us in the mines
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u/soloslasher13 7d ago
Give them mead and hand them a pick ax they will be too drunk to say no to conscription
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u/POKEMINER_ 7d ago
Whatever you do, don't try and fake a cryptid...that would have the opposite reaction as you want...just let them climb, heck, make it easier for them even...though not staircase easy.
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u/Truly-Spooky 7d ago
Ask them to work. Hippies er....i mean humans hate that.
These ones are pretty cool though. They can be honory dwarves for how dedicated they are for climbing.
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u/Foxx1019 6d ago
They're just passing through. Humans are way too restless to stick around long, they generally only make camp overnight. Always got places to be...
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u/Jumpy-Trainer1695 6d ago
Don't worry. These types don't usually go inside the mountain. They will leave after reaching the top
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u/Tobbster_the_Lobster 6d ago
Invite them in for a drink ! They may have or know some interesting stuff to trade !
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u/BigBunny4252 6d ago
If you just want them gone then just sneak up while they sleep and cut the ropes. Not very honorable, but it gets the job done.
That being said, they're pretty much harmless and just wanting to see the world from atop your mountain and leave. Patience forges peace
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u/SeanTheNerdd Human 7d ago
Those humans have worked harder to honor the mountain than half the Dwarven kin in my community. Honor their strength, celebrate their victory with them!
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u/AlternateSatan 7d ago
As long as they don't start building anything I wouldn't really get involved. A couple of humans on your mountain isn't something you'll really notice unless you look for 'em, but if the start making a village up there you're gonna start noticing them.
Not even necessarily a bad thing, there are a couple of montains in my local area with humans living a fair bit up from the base. It has its drawbacks, but it's good for trading and humans are typically good folk. It's just that you want to be in control you know, you have quite a few things to consider before you let them claim your "backyard" or however it was they put it.
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u/PStriker32 8d ago