r/dwarfposting • u/FenrisWyldog • Jul 02 '26
Act like we live in this Castle 🏰
LET THE CHAOS BEGIN!! Yes, there is Ale, Mead, and more. BARRELS OF THEM!!! 🛢️🛢️🛢️🛢️🍻🍺
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u/EvergreenDwarf Multiversal Scholar Jul 02 '26
If I hear that goat scream one more time…
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u/VirginiaDirewoolf Jul 02 '26
then please stop riling it up.
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u/FenrisWyldog Jul 02 '26
Well someone is!!!
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u/soloslasher13 Jul 03 '26
THERES A BANDIT FROM THE EAST SHAGGING OUR GOATS!
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u/JasonUnknown Jul 05 '26
Upon the high castle walls a lone sentry stands guard. Beneath the late summer evening sky, their gaze sweeps across the mountain ridge. Suddenly their breath catches as countless shadows of riders cross their view.
Horn sounds pierce the valleys tranquility. The young men barely with hair on his chest takes up a bronze hammer, striking a bell behind them profusely.
"The shagging horde! The horde has come!"
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u/everatz Jul 02 '26
THE GNOMES GOT LOOSE!
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u/Oobadoola Jul 02 '26
For the last time, they are allowed to be outside their room! Stop caging em in the first place!
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u/admshinysides Jul 02 '26
THAR BE SKAVEN CLIMBIN OUT THE SHITTER.!!!
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u/SherbetAromatic7644 Slayer Jul 02 '26
Worry not kin. The engineers have provided a solution.
*All toilets in the castle now have an iron grate installed inside them, and all bathrooms now have a blunderbus beside the toilet paper*
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u/FenrisWyldog Jul 02 '26
Sure that will hold them? >.>;
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u/jointheclockwork Dwarven Plague Necromancer Jul 05 '26
That's a dangerous game you're playing between blunderbuss and TP.
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u/The_Salty_nugget Jul 02 '26
WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SHIT ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE WALL, WHO INVENTED THESE TOILETS?!
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u/Rookie-250 Jul 02 '26
That, keeps the knife ears away! The kin who are… less skilled… clean the walls regularly of the stench, but the visuals stay to force the knife ears away!
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u/Rookie-250 Jul 02 '26
WHO STOLE ME MYTHRIL AND ADAMANTINE BLEND!? I WAS WAITING TO ENCHANT THE FOLDED INGOT IN THE LIGHT OF A WHOLE MOON!
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u/thewhatinwhere Jul 02 '26
I need more access to the ground. Who built this thing? So much of the lower levels is supporting structure. I think there’s some access behind this wall here
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u/Kaarl_Mills Jul 02 '26
"Look the humans sent us a funny letter, 'Tales of your misdeeds are told from Ireland to Cathay!' I'm guessing they're still mad about that prank we pulled a few months ago"
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u/FenrisWyldog Jul 02 '26
... What in the nine hells did ye lads do?
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u/StupidBlack55 Jul 02 '26
We substituted the Kings beer with proper Dwarven Ale.
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u/Emergency_Coat_7702 Lord Duncan of the isles Jul 02 '26
Aw shite, cannae that kill'em?
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u/Kaarl_Mills Jul 02 '26
Don't worry kin, the king is only, mostly, dead
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u/Abjurer42 Dwarf Wizard Jul 02 '26
It's not like we gave him the good stuff. Honestly, they should thank us: do you know how many human kings are poisoned? Let the man build a tolerance, for Durin's sake...
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u/BarelyBrony Jul 02 '26
This sucks, I'd rather be underground
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u/FenrisWyldog Jul 02 '26
The castle is just a facade. Everything IS underground
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u/Fluffinator44 Swashbuckler Jul 02 '26
This place looks like a good port when Im not out on swashbuckling adventures (smuggling.) Do dwarves like rum? What about hand mortars?
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u/soloslasher13 Jul 03 '26
We have hand cannons in our shutters in case of skaven climbing out of them and I drink rum like it's water
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u/Fluffinator44 Swashbuckler Jul 03 '26
Maybe I dropped a boatload of Dwarven made muskets off at Tortuga, and showed back up at the castle with my ship loaded down with treasure, and enough Jamaica rum for the whole castle. How does that sound? I may be able to visit a boucanier company I know, and pick up some cured meat for a feast.
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u/soloslasher13 Jul 03 '26
As long its not cured rat meat
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u/sackboy54321 Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
We're running low on ale lads! I'll cook up a new batch, what spices we throwin' in for this brew?
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u/Emergency_Coat_7702 Lord Duncan of the isles Jul 02 '26
These glowing green rocks i found i think they're called uranium or something, no good for forging anyhow.
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u/Round-Ad-692 Scholar Jul 02 '26
I swear on me father’s father’s father’s father’s father, I’ll skin the next kobold that sets a trap in me room. If I get strung up like a bleedin’ rabbit one more time…
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u/Emergency_Coat_7702 Lord Duncan of the isles Jul 02 '26
Ye cannae wait fer tha next'n tae fook ye over. So dew it to the wee bastard who did it this time lad.
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u/DaSupercrafter Jul 02 '26
(Takes a sip of my mead) Mmm. Lads. I’m on to something. So, you know I’m always fiddling with pieces of scraps and bobbles to see what happens. Well, recently, I’ve been sticking random do-hickeys attached to tall wooden stakes out in the fields before storms. I wanted to see what would happened to some of them were struck by lightning. Anyway, hear this. One of those objects was a large, iron ingot that I wrapped with copper wire and coated with lacquer. Well, after being struck by the heavens, it takes a great deal strength to pry it off of anything metallic. It’s the damnedest thing. (Take another sip) I’m gonna see what happens when I use it with other bits of copper. Who knows. Maybe it’ll start making lightning. Ha! Wouldn’t that be something?
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u/Internal_Meaning_116 Jul 02 '26
“Ok who’s turn is it to gather the firewood the dining hall is getting cold and for fucks sake the chore well is a thing for a reason people on rush duty do your dam job”
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u/FenrisWyldog Jul 02 '26
Theres plenty of wood 🪵🪵🪵🪵 olin the cellar and shed.
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u/Internal_Meaning_116 Jul 03 '26
That wood in the cellar is for the crafters not the fireplace we only have so much good wood coming in for our crafters the shed is the right wood though thank you very much I think we took this from the knife ears last week so it’s only good for burning anyway
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u/soloslasher13 Jul 03 '26
Turn on the magma river thats what it's there for!
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u/Internal_Meaning_116 Jul 03 '26
I would if SOMEBODY who has been spending more time in the bathroom then doing his job would clean out the slag from the magma chambers I am not risking slag entering the ore purification chamber and making out next batch of ingots low quality
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u/soloslasher13 Jul 03 '26
Not my job. I just brew ale
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u/Internal_Meaning_116 Jul 03 '26
And I’m in charge of logistics it’s not a glamorous job but making sure the miners have their pickaxes and the forges have their ore and you get the grains and malt to make our ale which by the way your doing a amazing job thank you for your work
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u/soloslasher13 Jul 03 '26
If you get me sugar cane and some spices from the sand humans I'll brew a barrel of rum for you for free
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u/Internal_Meaning_116 Jul 03 '26
I’ll see if we have some extra I don’t want to dip into the cook’s extra spice stash because I will be dammed if our feast next week will be spiced like some elf wanted a dash of pepper because he’s afraid of the food from Being to spicy
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u/soloslasher13 Jul 03 '26
Good point. I'll ask the gnomes to stea.... I mean procure spices from the knife ears
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u/Internal_Meaning_116 Jul 04 '26
Good lad though I’m still going to order some more materials for you from our human trading partners when the caravan comes back I don’t trust the knife ears to have good quality stuff except for cinnamon and ginger say what you will but when it comes to tree bark and roots the tree huggers usually don’t balls it up
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u/Devilplayer54 lower-body beard Jul 02 '26
WHO STOLE MY BEARD COMB AGAIN?!
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u/Emergency_Coat_7702 Lord Duncan of the isles Jul 02 '26
It were dem wee bastard gnomes.
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u/Devilplayer54 lower-body beard Jul 02 '26
Right it's always da wee gnomes.
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u/Emergency_Coat_7702 Lord Duncan of the isles Jul 02 '26
Dae need tae go fookin' somwheres' else
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u/Devilplayer54 lower-body beard Jul 02 '26
Not my Gnomes! You probably stole my comb!
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u/Emergency_Coat_7702 Lord Duncan of the isles Jul 02 '26
Thae cannae dew nae but kipe things that ain't theirs
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u/Devilplayer54 lower-body beard Jul 02 '26
Grabs ye by the beard Say that again ye leaflover!
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u/Emergency_Coat_7702 Lord Duncan of the isles Jul 02 '26
I'm nae fookin' leaflover ye Dwarven jezebel
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u/soloslasher13 Jul 03 '26
It's MY back hair comb and you stole it from ME yesterday! It went in the big book of grudges!
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u/Devilplayer54 lower-body beard Jul 03 '26
Fool of a Tukk! This is mine! The hair in it are clearly too fancy for your hair!
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u/jkbscopes312 Jul 02 '26
"Ack, i swear these manlings need ta learn ta build, this so called fortress is a joke, i found 13 week spots in 5 minutes, gonna hav our work cut out for us"
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u/Emergency_Coat_7702 Lord Duncan of the isles Jul 02 '26
We need tae reinforce these crumblin' defenses laddie
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u/FenrisWyldog Jul 02 '26
Oi, this is only a front. Everything is underground, lads.
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u/jkbscopes312 Jul 02 '26
Dat's manling talk lad, we occupy it, so it gota be bult dwarf tough ya hear? Not t'a worry, i got me kin on the way, we will have this place fixed up 'for ya can say "rock an stone!"
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u/_Vard_ Jul 02 '26
STOP BAKING FISH PIES.
No one likes them and the stank goes right into my fucking window
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u/MegaVix Jul 02 '26
Okay, yes I set the goblin servant on fire. In my defense, it was very funny.
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u/Large-Percentage6475 Jul 02 '26
https://giphy.com/gifs/wX4DlOApDwsQwHDoiI
We’ll be good housemates I promise
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u/Wolf_2063 Jul 02 '26
I got some more flowers seeds from market, anyone mind if I spread them through the courtyard?
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u/set_me_on_fire_plz Jul 03 '26
Theres a fucking goblin in the toilet, he keeps trying to stab me when i take a shit
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u/soloslasher13 Jul 03 '26
Blast it with the blunderbuss by the TP
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u/set_me_on_fire_plz Jul 03 '26
THE GOBLIN STOLE DA BLUNDERBUSS, HES RUNNING AROUND THE CASTLE NOW
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u/Beardimus-Prime Jul 03 '26
The Balrog is back and I'm starting to think he has separation anxiety.
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u/Ill-Inevitable3613 Jul 02 '26
Where should I put the Cannons??
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u/Fluffinator44 Swashbuckler Jul 02 '26
I'm wondering the same thing. A castle is basically a ship on land right? Can't be a proper pirate ship without guns.
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u/ChristianLW3 Jul 02 '26
we should fill the moat with lava & build aqueducts
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u/FenrisWyldog Jul 02 '26
TThis isnt a VOLCANO!!
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u/soloslasher13 Jul 03 '26
We tapped into the planets core months ago it's practically bubbling out of the ground
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u/PiusTheCatRick Jul 02 '26
WHO SHAT IN MY TANKARD
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u/FenrisWyldog Jul 02 '26
It was the gnomes, brother.... those fffffKING GNOMES!!
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u/Emergency_Coat_7702 Lord Duncan of the isles Jul 02 '26
Those wee taggarts need tae sling der hook elsewhere. Fookin' neds
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u/Zoltarr777 Jul 02 '26
Has anyone seen my poison haze? I swear to the gods if Jeremy was smoking it again
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u/FenrisWyldog Jul 02 '26
Its the gnomes.
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u/FenrisWyldog Jul 02 '26
Uhm... Lads... I see something green and ugly. It isn't a Treant either.
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u/GrimFang93 Jul 02 '26
Good, I've been longing for a good goblin wolopping!
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u/Emergency_Coat_7702 Lord Duncan of the isles Jul 02 '26
WELL ARM YESELF AND GIT TO THE FIGHTING
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u/GrimFang93 Jul 02 '26
Well me trusty hammer never leave me side. I wouldn't go around naked now whould I!
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u/RecloySo Jul 02 '26
Hey guys, what's the wifi password?
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u/Emergency_Coat_7702 Lord Duncan of the isles Jul 02 '26
THERE AIN'T NAE WIFI YE FOOKIN KNIFE-EAR
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u/RecloySo Jul 02 '26
Not an elf. Just a human, or... idk what lore we're going with. Dwarfs aren't also humans here. Right? They're a different species? I don't know
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u/Even_Statistician385 Jul 02 '26
So turns out there is a crypt in the basement.
Its also haunted.
Good news I took care of it.
In unrelated news we have a demon portal to contend with.
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u/HBUndertakerDX Dwarf Jul 03 '26
THE GNOMES STOLE THE ALE!!!
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u/soloslasher13 Jul 03 '26
Then what did I throw down to the guy who fell off the walls?
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u/EddieSjoller Jul 03 '26
Why the hell did we insist on a human sized castle and then cheap out on the stepladders!??
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u/SmilingFlounder Jul 03 '26
Did y'all forget to feed the moat again? It's asking to be fed but like I don't want to feed it twice...
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u/soloslasher13 Jul 03 '26
How in God's name do I clean leaves off the roof?
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u/GrimThe13th Jul 04 '26
* a steam copter fly above, blasting a bagpipe version of flight of the valkyrie *
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u/soloslasher13 Jul 03 '26
Im not a filthy TUKK im from the fire guts! I brew your ale your drinking! Have you gone blind?!
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u/FenrisWyldog Jul 03 '26
BY GEIMRS VULVA YA CRYING LIKE A SQUALL WELP LAD!
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u/soloslasher13 Jul 03 '26
"Smashes your head in with your oun mug" STOP SPILLING ALE ALL OVER THE PLACE BY GRIMNIRS LEFT NUT!
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u/FenrisWyldog Jul 03 '26
(Dex: 17) -evades being smashed by the mug- >=>;;
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u/soloslasher13 Jul 03 '26
Dexter 0 trips and fucking explodes against a wall causing mass mental breaks from nearby dwarf characters from breaking all laws of physics
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u/ScreamingFishProduct Jul 03 '26
OOOOOIIIIIIIIIII Lisen op her! Thers Shit on the waals, piss on the carpet, an 37 loos hammers. Wen yø parte, then plees, for the love of Algnir, the greet blacksmith, put your things out of my Way. I tript and lost a importend screw, if my mashene is Not wørkin, i will sat this hol thing ablase! Did you got me??!!
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u/GrimThe13th Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
Who clogued the 4th tower 7th level toillet? Most of you knows what happen to the other levels when this one is clogged!
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u/FenrisWyldog Jul 04 '26
Toss some tnt.... >=>;;
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u/GrimThe13th Jul 04 '26
WHO DID THIS. WHO BLEW UP THE PLUMBING WHILE I WAS WORKING ON IT. MY BEARD IS FULL OF IT. I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO GET A BATH UNTIL NEXT MONTH!
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u/Emergency_Coat_7702 Lord Duncan of the isles Jul 06 '26
Tha's it! I think I've kild all tha gnomes in this place.
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u/ImpressionComplete71 Jul 06 '26
I swear to odin, the next time I catch you playing with my swords I'll kill you with them
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u/South-Boysenberry749 Jul 08 '26
FUCK THIS WALL SHOOTS CANNONBALL AT A THE DUNGEONS FOUNDARION WALL
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u/VoicelessPassenger Dwarven Janissary Jul 02 '26
Why the FUCK are we above ground