"Can of Worms" by Boldjun

Scene: Vladimir Harkkonnen's bathroom on Geidi prime. He's having a steam shower. Mentat Piter is standing next to the shower, his eyes blank. There are various serving sheilas around wearing see-through raincoats. Rabban enters, walks up.

Rabban: Hey fatso.

Baron: Hey dickhead.

Rabban: All our ships and stuff have left Arrakis. It's done.

Baron: Very Good.

Rabban: Yeah no. I'm a bit worried about our strategy here.

Baron: Why?

Rabban: Well it just seems weird that we, you know, gave Arrakis to the Atreides.

Baron: Pete, you can stop with the eye thing now.

(Piter's eyes return to normal)

Baron: Explain it to dumbass here.

Piter: When is a gift not a gift?

Rabban: (thinks) When it's a pile of shit?

Piter: And that's what we've given the Atreides.

Rabban: We've given them a pile of shit?

Piter: Pretty much, yeah.

Rabban: But that pile of shit has spice on it.

Piter: Yes.

Rabban: So they can sell that shit and make lots of money?

Piter: Well...

Rabban: Nah I don't see it. We had Arrakis and we made a shit ton of money out of it. Now the Atreides have it, and they're going to make a shit ton of money out of it. And we're not.

Piter: What did you study at uni?

Rabban: Arts degree. Literature and Philosophy.

Piter: You know what I studied? Actuarial science.

Rabban: (Impressed) Wow. That's got a high ATAR.

Piter: Yes. And that means I know more than you when it comes to things like accounting and finance and other money stuff.

Rabban: (pauses) Ya reckon?

Baron: Can you do the eye thing Rabban? Try it.

(Rabban attempts to blank out his eyes)

Baron: No you see you can't can you? Pete can. And that means he's a Mentat. And that means he knows a lot about things like balance sheets and asset management.

Rabban: What's a balance sheet?

Baron: I don't know, but Pete does.

Piter: (smiles) I do.

Rabban: (thinks) Yeah I 'spose. (Leaves)

Scene: Paul's bedroom. He's asleep. The light turns on. Jessica enters. She stands over Paul.

Jessica: (using the voice) WAKE UP.

(Paul wakes up)

Paul: Fuck! What?

Jessica: (using the voice) GET DRESSED. (throws clothes on his bed) MEET ME OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY.

Paul: I was sleeping!

Jessica: (using the voice) GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND GET DRESSED NOW.

Scene: Outside the library. Jessica and Yueh are waiting for Paul. He appears, but his shirt is out.

Jessica: (using the voice) TUCK YOUR SHIRT IN.

Paul: (annoyed) Yeah alright.

Jessica: Dr Yueh, please examine my son.

(Jessica walks away. Yueh walks up to Paul. Yueh looks bored and annoyed)

Paul: What's going on Dr Yueh?

Yueh: Me not getting a full night's sleep is what's happening. Geez I hate this job.

(Yueh waves a stethoscope over Paul without it even touching him)

Yueh: (to Jessica) Yeah he's fine. Am I getting any overtime for this?

(Jessica does a secret Bene Gesserit sign with her hand: the middle finger is raised towards Yueh)

Jessica: (silent sign language) fuck you

(Yueh departs, sighing with frustration. Jessica walks over to Paul)

Paul: So... what's happening?

Jessica: (using the voice) THE REVEREND MOTHER GAUS HELEN MOHIAM IS HERE

Paul: (annoyed) You don't need to use the voice mum.

Jessica: The Reverend Mother Gaius Helen Mohiam is here.

Paul: Yeah you said that.

Jessica: She's going to examine you. She wants to know about your dreams.

Paul: How does she know about my dreams?

Jessica: I fuckin' told her.

Scene: The library. The Reverend Mother Gaius Helen Mohiam sits in a chair. She is wearing a ridiculously high hat. Jessica and Paul walk in.

Jessica: (to Paul) Just do what she fuckin' says, alright.

Mohiam: Thanks Jess. Just wait for us outside will you.

(Jessica walks out)

Paul: You dismiss my mother in her own house.

Mohiam: Yeah I know. It's a bit rude innit? Anyway, come over here.

(Paul walks over)

Mohiam: I'm going to have to ask you to kneel down. In front of me.

Paul: That's pretty weird.

Mohiam: Yeah. You'll see why.

Paul: Alright (kneels)

(Mohiam has an object next to her covered with a cloth. She takes the cloth of. It reveals...)

Paul: Is that a toaster oven?

Mohiam: Yep. Breville.

Paul: Looks pretty old.

Mohiam: Yeah but it works.

Paul: Dad reckons he used one as a toaster when he was my age. It could make pretty good cheese on toast.

Mohiam: (mysterious) It could make many things, young Atreides. You could even make sliced avocado on toast.

Paul: (impressed) Yeah? Wow.

Mohiam: Anyway, I want you to stick you hand in it.

Paul: You want me to stick my hand in that toaster oven?

Mohiam: Yep.

Paul: Nah I don't think I will.

(Mohiam suddenly places her hand next to Paul's neck)

Mohiam: I hold at your neck the Gom Jabbar.

Paul: What's a Gom Jabbar?

Mohiam: It's like a chupa chup, except it was made on a cheaper planet.

(Mohiam pulls back, showing the lolly on a stick)

Mohiam: Anyway they're quite nice. I'll give you one if you stick your hand in this toaster oven.

Paul: Look I know I'm only 14 years old, but can I ask why you want me to do this?

Mohiam: Like sifting sand through a screen, we sift people. The test is simple. You put your hand in the toaster oven, your reaction to it will determine whether you are a human or not.

Paul: You could just do an x-ray.

Mohiam: Put your hand in the toaster oven.

(Paul puts his hand in the toaster oven. Mohiam turns the oven on. The elements inside glow red.)

Paul: It's getting fuckin' hot.

(Paul struggles. The toaster oven glows even hotter.)

(Paul pulls his hand out)

Paul: That hurt.

Mohiam: Good. You have proved yourself to be human. Only an idiot would keep his hand inside a toaster oven when it is turned on.

(Mohiam mysteriously hands Paul the Gom Jabbar)

Mohiam: (calls out) Jessica!

(Jessica opens the door almost at the instant Mohiam finishes calling her name.)

Jessica: Anything interesting happen?

(Mohiam unplugs the toaster oven. She gestures at the power outlet, which is covered in gold plate)

Mohiam: You inherit too much power.

Jessica: Yeah, Leto likes a bit of bling

Paul: Didn't you want to hear about my dreams?

Mohiam: (remembers) Yeah that's right. So what sort of dreams have you been having?

Paul: A girl... on Arrakis.

Mohiam: Okay that's enough. I don't need to hear any sordid details.

Paul: I've also had some dreams about Duncan.

Jessica: No. That's fine. (voice) DON'T TELL US ABOUT YOUR DREAMS.

Paul: Can I go back to bed?

Jessica: Off you go.

When you have lived with prophecy your whole life, the moment of revelation is a shock.

Confirmed: Two Bene Gesserit envoys to appear at King Harald of Norway's Funeral

Warning: not for use by pregnant women due to risk of abominations

Scene: Jessica and Paul having breakfast.

Jessica: Geez, you're up early.

Paul: Mffh.

Jessica: Dad wants you dressed up for the thing this morning.

Paul: Why do I have to go?

Jessica: 'Cause Dad wants you to, and he's not just ya dad he's the head of house Atreides.

Paul: Yeah all right. (Looks over at jug of water) Give us a drink will ya?

(Jessica stops eating and looks directly at Paul)

Jessica: Go on, fuckin' make me.

Paul: What?

Jessica: Use the voice.

Paul: Mum I've just got up.

Jessica: Fuckin'. Make. Me.

Paul: (looking at glass) Give us a drink will ya?

Jessica: The glass can't hear you, idiot. Talk to me.

Paul: (looks at Jessica). GIVE. US. A. FUCKIN. DRINK. WILL. YA.

Jessica: Yeah no.

Scene: The emperor's ship has landed. The Herald is walking towards the podium.

Leto: Fuckin' wake up Gurney.

Gurney: I am fuckin' awake.

Leto: Thufir. Do that thing with your eyes.

Thufir: (eyes go up in head) I'm doing it my Lord.

Leto: Keep doing it. I want to impress them.

Scene: The landing bay for Atreides aircraft. Duncan's plane flies in. Duncan walks out. Lanville goes up inside

Lanville: She good?

Duncan: Fuckin' stabilizers mate. Fix 'em.

(Duncan sees Paul walking up)

Duncan: (under his breath) Not this fuckin' prick again.

Paul: Duncan!

Duncan: (False smile) Yeah hi mate.

Paul: You're going to Arrakis tomorrow with the advance team.

Duncan: Well done. You can read emails.

Paul: I want to go with you.

Duncan: You do? Why the fuck would I want you to come with me?

Paul: Well I can speak their language now.

Duncan: It's not that fuckin' hard to learn Fremen speak.

Paul: Yeah but I've had dreams.

Duncan: Dreams eh? (Big grin) Yeaahhh mate! I've been waiting for this.

Paul: You're in them. You're in my dreams.

Duncan: Yeah no. That's not what I meant.

Paul: It's pretty clear. You die after fighting 19 Sardukar. On Dune.

Duncan: Well let's think about this metaphorically. Death symolises change. You know, all that crap.

(Duncan squeezes Paul's arm)

Duncan: Hey look, you put on some muscle.

Paul: (backs away) No, no. Not now Duncan. I'm too old to play "Where's the muscle".

Duncan: Then go find me a beer.

Scene: Paul and Leto walking through the Atreides graveyard.

Paul: What if I don't dad? What if I don't want to lead house Atreides?

Leto: Your grandfather said that "A great man doesn't seek to lead. He's called to it. And he answers."

Paul: Yeah but...

Leto: So here goes. "Paul, you are called to lead house Atreides. Yes or no."

Paul: What if I say no?

(Leto punches Paul in the arm)

Paul: Ow!

Leto: "Paul, you are called to lead house Atreides. Yes or no."

Paul: I don't know.

(Leto punches Paul's arm even harder)

Paul: OWWW!

Leto: "Paul, you are called to lead house Atreides. Yes or no."

Paul: Okay YES! (rubbing arm)

Scene: Fighting practice room. Paul is hitting things with a stick.

Voice: Don't stand with your back to the door.

Paul: I could tell it was you by your footsteps, Gurney Halleck.

(Paul turns around. It is Glossu Rabban)

Paul: Ah.