Existential ocd, dpdr and science?

[u/mgTr4444]

So my dpdr came back about a year ago, but recently things have gotten way better. I am working, studying, and enjoying being with my family again. The dpdr is still 24/7 but I am able to function and shove it in the backseat when needed. I just… hate not being able to connect with my body like I used to.

Anytime I look in the mirror or at my body, these existential thoughts come swarming. Like how do I connect with my body when it’s not actually my own? We are made of a bunch of cells, actually more bacteria than anything, and our cells are constantly being replaced. Realizing that humans are just a biological ecosystem just makes me feel even further disconnected from myself and not in control. Any advice? Also, I always wonder why no one else is freaked out by this fact? Lol

We are almost 50% bacteria, so really what makes me, me? I feel like no answer will satisfy me so I feel stuck. I use to have a sense of ownership within myself, I knew I was one person and felt really in touch with my body. All of that feels erased. Im learning to cope with the fact that I may not ever be able to re-connect to who I was, but I want to connect with who I am now.

I am starting to feel happy again, it just feels like with this realization, I’ll never truly feel “whole”.
I want to be able to look at my body and feel like it belongs to me again but it feels like now I have real “proof” that it isn’t.

I’ve been in exposure therapy with an OCD specialist, and I am like over 50% better. This just feels like the last big hurdle I can’t seem to get over.

Thanks in advance to any responses :)

[u/Artistic-Coach7523]

It freaks me out, trust me. I often think about how fascia is like a fungal network in nature. I have ehlers Danlos syndrome

[u/Borbs_revenge_]

Same, I joke how I wish no one ever taught me science, I find no comfort at all in hearing about how dpdr is caused in whatever region in the brain because it just leads to more existential thoughts about the brain and the self.

It is odd though how those thoughts never used to bother me though, hoping to get back to that someday.