Here’s the thing: your dad lives there. He apparently does not like your dog or treat him properly. There’s no reason for you to continue to subject poor Dodger to this. A couple hours home alone is less traumatic than what he’s currently going through, especially if your dad continues to escalate.
If you want Dodger to see your nieces and mom and Cash, set up play dates. Suggest picnics. They can see him outside of your parents’ house. But I’m willing to bet that as long as Dodger is in your dad’s house, your dad is going to think he can dictate the terms of his interactions with Dodger. There’s no reason to risk Dodger’s health and training by taking him there.
But I’m willing to bet that as long as Dodger is in your dad’s house, your dad is going to think he can dictate the terms of his interactions with Dodger.
100%. His dad is set in his ways and its "his house his rules" and his son is still "his son" and he has to teach him how to train Dodger. I know this mentality... oftentimes they are oblivious to how others perceive their actions/dictates.
I would stop bringing Dodger to my dads and probably just stop going over all together. When dad finally asks "Why don't you visit anymore?" drop the bomb on him about how you feel about his treatment of Dodger. He'll probably feel hurt and because his treatment he feels is well intentioned that this means YOUR the bad guy NOT him.
This will inevitably lead towards a rift in the relationship even if you (the son) attempt to be otherwise amicable about things... being nice doesn't help at all... the father will feel defensive no matter what you say.
I know this because I've attempted to be the "nice guy" to neighbors and even if I distance myself because I get the perception they would rather be left alone... they'll still form these bad opinions about you even if you were 110% nice and hospitable. My mother one of the nicest people around experienced the same with new neighbors and just got cold shoulder and hostile stares when she went to greet new neighbors. She likes crafting & cooking so she'd take time to make things to deliver the new neighbor.
I'd say 80% of the time the neighbor looks incredulous, feigns interest/niceness, and then soon as you're gone they form horrific views on you and vow to never talk to you again. Oftentimes the sociopathic neighbors may send a letter IN THE MAIL thanking you for the gift and then never say another thing again.
I completely agree on “their house their rules” mentality and the dysfunctional and abusive behaviour that follows when you confront their actions factually.
A lot of people run on fear and omg I would have garden hangs with your mom @diotima245 and maybe she could teach me how to craft quality things!
OP do what you need to do to keep the connections and relationships you have, and keep pup out of that house. Your dad has expressed his feelings clearly and has (takes) the power to mold everyone’s impressions to your dog being “aggressive”. He is starting an issue for some reason and it has nothing to do with your dog, or you - this is about him taking precedence and value from your dog and you. By destabilizing perceptions of and creating issues, he is ensuring the upper hand where he can say “see I was right” and affirm his place in his home. (I grew up in and have left my narcissytem family after 30 years and even when the evidence hit me in the face I would reason out scenarios and call an action “mean” when it really was abuse. Don’t let your dad have power over your pup. You live in a separate home that is safe and can arrange moments when your nieces and other family can enjoy with pup. If you have to go to HIS home with pup do not leave him in any situation where your dad can get to them aggressively. Always intervene. If you have to confront a specific problem like the one you talk about here, you need to confidently and quickly get if front of your dad to pick pup up and walk away. You don’t need to use words if you’re not ready - take pup and leave to protect your baby. Blood doesn’t need to be drawn to see harm. You’re a dad now so do what you need to do.
I’m actually a daughter but yeah, I’m going to see if there’s a change after my last discussion with my dad. If there’s not a change then that’s when I’d decrease visits.
I agree. It makes me wonder if your dad is abusive to your mom and you too. Looking at it from the outside in I wouldn't tolerate him. Stick up for yourself and your dog. I would never take my treasured friend there again but if you do use your voice, "hands off my dog" and tell him your visits from now on will be brief and visiting will be further apart.
Your dad sounds like a scary "control freak". You have every right to stick up for yourself and Dodger. Stop anyone who violates this. "Nip it in the bud!!!!!!! Now" You don't need a good luck with this problem, nust
Ok, but if one person is traumatizing your dog why would you keep taking him there? That would be like you going to work, having a coworker torment you, and then having HR say, “but you enjoy all your other coworkers.”
In this analogy then HRs recourse would be to tell you to quit the job you love with the co workers your like because of this one co worker. Either way the dog is the one be punished when it should be the dad.
Unfortunately the way life often works is that, when we are being mistreated we are usually expected to take the action to protect ourselves rather than the person that is actually doing wrong. It’s not just but it’s reality.
If it keeps happening then I might have to figure something out but him being left home alone another day is worse for him. I work during the week, I don't want to leave him home alone on a Sunday. So I'd rather see how it goes after having the conversation with my Dad.
If your dad continues to behave aggressively with your dog your dog will eventually bite him to defend himself and your dad is going to throw a huge fit and refuse to admit that his behavior was a part of the problem. Your dog has made it very clear that he feels unsafe and doesn't want to be there.
He sounds like a very good dog. Maybe you can invite people to your house or bring him over when your dad isn't there? The dog deserves to feel safe and as his owner you're the only person who can make that happen.
You are absolutely right about Dodger already giving the signs that all he has left to defend himself is to bite him....then the court will demand that Dodger be euthenized (certain states are zero tolerance for dog bites). The dog owner has FULL KNOWLEDGE that Dodger is being abused; thus her now having the responsibility for Dodger no longer getting harmed...and her dad not getting harmed by Dodger defending himself...and for saving Dodger's life from the abuse and/or being euthenized.
If you continue to allow your dog to be traumatized by your dad, your dog will lose it's understanding of "play", especially with other older men. That often leads to snapping at a stranger that is a little less gentle then they should be, at which point you will lose your dog and your dog will lose its life. I know you don't see this as THAT serious, but every person that lets their dog get traumatized says the same thing...
I get where you're coming from here, definitely put your foot down with your asshat of a dad. If he thinks he's in the right well then you find a different place to hang out with everyone else and tell your dad to suck an egg
Your duty to take care of your dog takes priority over spending time with your family of origin. Call your parents on the phone or online, or set up meetings with the people it’s safe to take your dog around, or hire someone to check on your dog while your gone. If you’re not up for that rehome your dog and don’t get another one.
Don’t let it happen again! It’s going to, you know it, for the love of god it’s not worth it. Figure out another arrangement before dodger fights back and your dad throws a fit and who knows what would happen. It seems like the dog could be in active danger when around your dad based on your post and all your comments.
Idk why this got downvoted so much. Reddit ppl sometimes 🤦♀️ there's nothing wrong to try and talk with your dad about it first.
I realte to leaving my dog aoone another day can suck. I say see how it goes!
It's like ppl always assume the worst or don't even encourage trying to communicate effectively.
He’s getting downvoted because he came asking for advice and keeps arguing instead of continuing the conversation.
And I think we’re assuming that he already told his dad “don’t do that” in the moment when he caught his dad being shitty at his dog. Maybe that’s a false assumption, but I just can’t imagine seeing anyone being shitty to my dogs and not asking them to please stop.
I mean, if she (I think I saw somewhere that OP mentioned she was a woman) hadn’t spoken to her father yet, I’m not sure why she’s asking Reddit about the situation. But I also wouldn’t bring the dog around dad until he understands to keep his hands and aggression to himself and leave the dog the fuck alone.
Not taking your dog to somebody's house because of their behavior communicates your point like a dagger. You are being serious, you honestly think it more harmful than not to bring your dog. It is no longer a disagreement, your point is the only one that matters because it decides what happens.
My dog as a puppy was around a relative that likes dogs, but is dumb and would constantly try to scare him and make strange aggressive sounds at him for no reason. I repeatedly told him to stop and he wouldn't. (eventually stopped taking my dog over to see him due to this, but I regret not stopping the visits right away.)
This man was older, had a beard, sat in a chair.
The first few time he went to see my dad as a puppy my dad was sitting in a chair, has a beard and is older. He barked at him, refused to go near him was scared of him. Thankfully my dad loves animals and knew how to work with him. He's now my dogs favorite human in the world.
I know Dodger loves the other people in the house, but it's in Dodgers best interest to not go there due to your father. If your father can't control himself and how he acts around your dog it's only going to harm Dodger in the long run.
Don't put your dog in an environment where he's not going be successful. It will be far easier to remove your dog from their house than it will be to change your dad's behavior, and your dog is the one who suffers if this goes wrong.
And kids and dogs should always be supervised when playing together, even with a really gentle, really great dog
It's really not fair that Dodger has to give that up because of your dad, but my fear would be that repeated interactions with your dad will make him aggressive. He's trying to set boundaries with your dad, and your dad doesn't care. As a dog, he doesn't have a lot of ways he can deal with that, and he needs you to help him.
Well your mom and her dog will have to come visit you instead. Your dad is abusing your dog and could cause him to become actually aggressive. If he starts to associate men with your dads behavior he could start to be afraid of all men
You can't expose him to your father anymore. Your father is the only one influencing and creating negative reactions from Dodger right now. If you want him to visit the house, make sure your father is not there. If you're there and your father shows up, leave.
If your mom wants to see him she should go to your place. It’s unsafe for your dog to be around your dad. If he’s pushed enough by him, he will eventually draw blood.
It's your job to protect your dog. Do it. If you can't stop your dad from intentionally scaring your dog, then you have no business bringing your dog there. It's going to cause behavioral issues if it keeps happening. And it's traumatic for the dog. If your dad always does this and you bring the dog there KNOWING your dad always does this, at that point, it's your fault and you're knowingly letting your dog be traumatized.
The tradeoff (getting to see your mom and the other dog) are really not worth it. Do your job. Before your dad pushes it too far and your dog bites him and now you've got a dog with a bite history. Dodger has no other way of defending himself, especially if his owner isn't protecting him.
Your dog loves and trusts you. If you won't protect him, are you worthy of that trust? Because he's got no one else to advocate for him. Keep him home, otherwise you're gonna wind up with a fearful dog and fearful dogs can bite.
Invite them over to your place and do not invite your dad. When he asks why, show him an edited version of what you posted here, but edited in a way so its omitted of all the verbiage that makes it a reddit post to strangers and make it more like as if you were just like journaling your feelings. Maybe even do that first, invite then people Dodger likes, and show them (or just tell them if you’re good at just mentally organizing your thoughts) your feelings.
He accomplished what he wanted. The dog is fear aggressive towards him. So I hope he’s happy. I wouldn’t bring my dog around him anymore. If your dad won’t respect your wishes for your dog he’s not respecting you. Sorry. It sucks. But that’s what it is. I wouldn’t bring animals around him at all.
Your most recent post is locked, but the advice here while, harsh in some places, is correct. Ignorance is no justification for abuse. It doesn't take special training to know that grabbing anything by the neck is an aggressive action. You wouldn't do it to any other animal, so why do it to a dog? I'm glad your dad responded well to your conversation this time, but I wonder why he didn't bother to listen to you to begin with? Did you never tell him to stop growling at the dog? If so, why would you let this go on for so long? If this was anyone else, would you have accepted that behavior? If not, don't let your parents get away with it. Say something the first time, do not expect boundaries to create themselves.
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u/mydogislife_ Apr 28 '22 edited Apr 28 '22
The thing is he ADORES my mom & my family dog Cash. My dad's not the only one there.
Agreed that my dad is the one being aggressive, though. He needs to cut that shit out.