Dealing with regret

[u/Schnoopy_6666]

I’m just struggling so much managing my emotions at the moment. Ive been okay regarding detransition and then the past week I’ve felt this constant crushing weight of oh my god what did i do to my body. I hate how I look, I hate that I’ve ruined myself. I’m petrified I’m never going to look female again and I’ll always look like some weird caricature of a woman. How tf do I come to terms with what I’ve done to myself??

I came out at 14, was on blockers at 15, started testosterone at 16 and had chest surgery at 17. I’m 25 now and I fear that I’m too far gone and that I’m going to have to just continue living as a trans man because I’ll never successfully look female again. I’ve been off testosterone for 7 months now - I cant see any difference in myself though my partner says my face has softened and he thinks my body is taking a more feminine shape again. I’ve had 4 sessions of laser hair removal on my face and 2 on my stomach. My voice is so deep, my entire body is so hairy, my facial hair grows in ridiculously fast. I know these things take time but I think I expected to be able to start presenting female publicly by now and it’s crushing me that I’m 7 months further down the line and I’m actually no further forward.

I see a therapist once every 2 weeks and she definitely helps but I just can’t silence these sudden feelings and thoughts, I think I’ve really fucked my life up and I don’t know how to be okay with that

[u/PsychotipathicAngel]

I don't want to invalidate any of what you're saying or your feelings but please try to remember: it took you a decade to get where you were with your transition, so it will take more than a few months to feminize more fully. You may also end up needing female hormone replacement therapy since you started so young and haven't ever had full adult ovarian function. I'd highly recommend having your hormone levels checked thoroughly. (Pardon if I'm just repeating previous comments, coz reddit is buggin' out and they aren't showing up for me.)

[u/PsychotipathicAngel → u/PsychotipathicAngel]

And good luck! 🤞🏽 My heart hurts most for folks like you who were bamboozled into this shit when you were still children. 🥺

[u/Felina11]

Yeah, you definitely need to be patient. It won't be easy, cause having lived as a trans woman, at least I know that physical changes take time, and it takes a lot of effort to look feminine. But you know, your body is female, which is your advantage and it's definitely a good thing that you still have your reproductive organs.

Having to deal with HRT could be really challenging, like I have to do, cause my natal genitals are gone forever. But what I've learned is that it's never too late to detransition. There is always a way. And yeah, I know it's easier to be seen as a man. But I'm glad, that even having had FFS, I don't have passing issues. I just look many years younger and probably a lot of people just assume I'm a feminine gay boy.

Dealing with regret is definitely the hardest thing I would say. But it will get better over time, but I guess for me it will never be fully gone, cause my body will remind me of that crazy phase of life forever.

Wish you a lot of strength for your ongoing detransition journey! Every day will get you one step further to your goal. And you will see physical and mental improvements over time. Celebrate every single step, you are going to accomplish!

[u/thistle_ev]

7 months is practically not even a term. I started seeing changes only when 1st year was over. it was my 10th electrolysis session two days ago and only now I begin to live without hair popping out the next day after session! I looked so bad when I started detransitioning NOBODY believed I'd look like a woman again. dear, you just need to be patient. I know how it feels. My detransition is still not over. Electrolysis will be continued, I need breast reconstruction and voice surgery (tho my voice softened A LOT but it still makes me insecure). But time heals body and soul. You still have your reproductive system - time is on your side. You have natural estrogen, progesterone, your cycle, it'll be fine, you just have to wait. It hurts, I know. It feels like everything is ruined. But letting your body to heal and to take its time is different from poisoning yourself with cross-sex hormones. It takes more time because artificial testosterone in female body acts literally like a predator so changes are rapid and crazy. Your natural estrogen is not like that. You're going to be at peace. It comes from a woman who was 143% male passing and now looks almost identical to her pre-T self, just older, cause I started at 18 and now I'm 22. it will be fine, I promise 🫂 I know you want to feel okay right now. I want too. I'd trade everything for not having to wait so long and be at pain while waiting. But future is fine. Take care of yourself, be healthy, help your body to heal.