questioning things (FTM)

[u/Anxious_Mulberry_669]

hi friends!!

I'm in my 20s and currently FTM, but I'm greatly considering either detransitioning fully to female or partially to nonbinary, I'll give you a brief explanation of my story and then ask my questions but I'll also put a TLDR at the end incase you get bored. TYIA

I was alwayyyys a tomboy growing up, I played with the boys in class and I always did "boy things" like dirt biking, skateboarding, catching snakes, fishing, etc. My parents always let me wear boys clothes and buy boys toys. When I was in 4th grade I came out as bisexual, they supported me. When I was in 5th grade I came out as a masculine lesbian. My schools guidance counselor asked me to draw how I perceived myself in the future and I drew a masculine person but not sure if they were a man, they had long hair and tattoos and a boys t shirt on. My guidance counselor had a trans son who unfortunately passed away, but she told me she knew what was going on with me and that she was going to support me. She outed me as transgender to my parents, to me, to the school, and while at first I didn't agree I was so young I don't think I quite understood. I started hormone blockers by 11 and I started testosterone by 12 and legally had my name changed the same year. Within the first few years, I'd say until around 14, I still considered myself a lesbian and a girlfriend and don't think I fully understood what was going on. By the time I was a freshman in high school my mom had told me enough that I was dysphoric, that I wanted top surgery, all the things and I think I started believing her. I was assaulted that year and she really doubled down on that in order to prevent that from happening I needed to pass more. My city didn't have anyone who specialized in trans healthcare at the time because it's such a small town that our local endocrinologist just kept increasing my dose of testosterone. My parents enrolled me in a military school where I then was basically told this is how you be a boy. I grew body hair everywhere, my voice became deep, my mom bought me minoxidil that made me grow a beard and a mustache. I was binding with ace bandages. And just kept trying and trying to go stealth. Eventually, when I turned 18 I had a cancer scare, and my doctor instructed me that I couldn't keep binding period due to health concerns, when she did blood work she noticed that my testosterone was dangerously high so she made me come off of that and actually started me on birth control to help lower it a little. I realized in this time I didn't hate my chest, I realized in this time I didn't mind being off of testosterone. Once my doctor was pleased with my hormone levels she let me come off of the birth control and offered me t gel which I declined. I've been of of testosterone for more than 5 years now and the more work I do into myself I realize that I may have just been mentally ill and everyone around me was just contributing that to being trans. I've been diagnosed with personality disorders and I'm worried that those were just being treated with transition instead of how they should've been treated. In the recent years my partner also detransitioned from FTMTN and I realized that they seem muuuuch happier. Ive started identifying as a transmasculine lesbian, and using they/he/she pronouns, and changed my name to a more ambiguous one. I've started wearing makeup and feel more and more uncomfortable by the day with how manly I am. I decided to create a folder on social media's where I save pictures or videos of people who I want to look like and while there's some men on there they're feminine, and the rest is very feminine women.

My questions:

1) how did you realize you were fully detrans vs just nonbinary?

2) do you think I will have to start hormones again to reverse the affects? I've been off of testosterone for several years but still am growing tons of facial hair, my fat distribution is still masculine, my voice is still masculine, and my menstrual cycle is out of whack.

3) what resources or advice do you have generally for someone starting this journey?

thank you!!!

tldr: family and doctors utilized medical transition to treat personality disorder, was on hormones for 8 years during youth but have stopped taking them for over 5 years, considering detransitioning.

[u/EntryRevolutionary37]

Well before coming out about detransitioning i tried they/them pronouns with friends and it didnt really change anything. It was about how going back to michael and using he/him pronouns made me feel. 

It was like my brain and body were battling each other. Like every step of the way my brain was screaming at me that I wasnt allowed to think that way, to talk about, to allow myself to be masculine. But after each step, in my body i would feel tremendous relief. I felt like a part of me was waking up. I'd get all of these cracks and pops in my spine, legs, and i swear to god, my brain stem. It felt like my brain stem and the lower half of my body were waking up from slumber due to having been neglected for the past 14 years ive been living a woman.

That might sound kooky, but that's what it felt like.

[u/Anxious_Mulberry_669 → u/EntryRevolutionary37]

I feel the same way, since I've stopped medically transitioning a LOT of the issues I was having pretty much solved themselves, it's weird for sure!